Chapter 18
I’m in an unfamiliar pub close to the bookshop. It’s dark inside and there’s candles on all the tables. They threaten to fall to the ground at any moment. Part of me is hoping they do.
I sit at the bar and order a couple shots of vodka.
I take one, then the other, then another one.
Once I start, I don’t stop. I just keep ordering them.
The noise in my head doesn’t stop, it just gets louder and louder.
I play with my angel necklace while downing shots.
The scene of Teddy and I fighting plays like a broken record in my drunken brain and I can’t get it to stop.
The fire in my throat makes me gag, but I don’t stop.
I feel insane, and really drunk. I glance around the pub and notice so many different walks of life.
People are looking at me, or am I just looking at them?
I suddenly feel incredibly exposed. Tears sting my eyes as I continue rubbing my angel necklace.
Oh mum, what am I doing here?
What must you think of me now?
Look at how far gone your little boy is now.
My hands begin to shake a little. I look down at the bar, avoiding people’s gaze. There’s a group of men looking at me now.
I think I’m going to throw up.
It isn’t until I get up to go to the toilet that I realise I’m actually quite drunk, and my legs are threatening to give out underneath me.
I’m not as drunk as I was at that party, but still drunk.
Why am I even thinking about that?
I don’t even feel human anymore.
What does that even mean? To be human? Is it to feel things? Emotions? Why are all my emotions out of control? Is it me that’s out of control?
Is a sickness in the mind just as severe as a physical one?
Is my mind sick?
Why was I standing on the edge of the roof that day? Did I want to end my life? The pain? What did I think I was going to accomplish?
I don’t think I wanted to die, I think I was just sick.
I needed help.
I need help.
Help me.
Please help me mum.
Why aren’t you here anymore?
Why is the room spinning?
Okay, I’m definitely gonna throw up.
I run to the bathroom and close the stall behind me. I throw up to the point I can’t breathe and blood clots threaten to burst in my face. My head is spinning.
If there’s a god, I hope he’s happy, because he abandoned me a long time ago.
This is all the vodka talking. I’m not used to being so cynical. But the thoughts are coming too fast with no space to process them.
I’m so tired. I just want to go home.
I don’t even know what home is anymore. The one home I had was with my mum and she’s been gone a long time now.
How can I live my life without you, Mum?
Look at where it’s gotten me.
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and go to leave. The stench of acid on my breath must be awful. I open the stall door to a tall, muscular man. I don’t clock what’s happening till he starts speaking.
“You’re new here, aren’t you?” He asks, his voice deep and loud. I wonder if the whole pub can hear him. There’s other guys here too but I can’t think about that yet. I need to deal with the guy towering over me first.
“Yep,” is all I can muster.
“What was all your looking about, eh?”
“Loo… looking?” I slur.
“Aye, you were giving me ‘fuck me’ eyes,” he spits out. What even are fuck me eyes?
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Oh, are we getting aggressive now? I like that. What’s your name?” He asks, his voice steady. His words are calculated. Whereas mine are slurring.
“I don’t need to give you my fucking name asshole. Get out of my way,” I say through my teeth. I go to walk past him but he blocks my path.
“You look like a girl,” The man laughs.
Then before I even realize it’s going this way, he’s got me pinned to the side of the stall with a thud. My head is whipped back into the wall. He starts grabbing my trousers and is trying to pull them down.
This is it.
Is he really doing this right now?
I can’t let this happen.
What the fuck do I do?
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
“Stop it!” I shout, but he ignores me.
My breath is ragged and it hurts when I attempt to breathe in fully. His grip is strong and terrifying. The lights are red overhead and all I can think about is hurting him.
So that’s what I do.
I take my leg and heavily extend it into the monster’s balls. He yelps out in pain. Once he’s distracted, I cock my arm back and give him a punch to the nose. He screams out in pain again as he backs out of the stall.
“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” I scream at him. I punch him again, this time hitting his right cheek. I like the feeling of my hand connecting to his face. He deserves that much. He’s on the floor now.
“My fucking nose, you bitch!” He screams at me. He attempts to get up but decides against it. He spits blood in my face. I want to hit him again but then I see the one person I didn’t want to see this.
Teddy stares at me, horrified.
“Noah? What the—”
“Teddy wait, just,” I plead, but he’s already gone.
“Yeah, go run after your little boyfriend, fucking fag,” the bleeding man mutters, then he cries out in pain once I step on him to get out the door.
I’m running after him out into the street. My head is heavy and my steps aren’t quite connecting to the floor like I’m used to. I feel like I’m going to collapse at any second.
“Teddy, wait!” I shout, and to my surprise he stops, yet doesn’t turn around.
I go to get closer but he extends his arm out and shouts “Just, please stay there.” I stay where I am. He’s shaking.
He’s terrified of me.
“What the fuck Noah? Like genuinely what the fuck?” He shouts in disbelief as he turns to face me. I go to move closer to him but he stops me again.
“I said stay there!” He clutches his head with his hand and breathes deep.
“Look at you! Your face is covered in blood, your knuckles are… oh my god, Noah,” He groans, his face is in his hands. I look down at my bloody knuckles.
What have I done?
But he was going to hurt me…
“Please just let me explain, I—”
“How the fuck can you explain that Noah? You broke his nose! Normal people don’t do that!”
Normal people?
I start to break down because I can feel our bond start to wither. I slowly step towards him.
“Please can I just explain to you what happened?” I say, trying to sound calm but my voice is too shaky for that. I’m way too drunk for this. I’m crying bloody tears and I know I probably look terrifying right now.
I needed to protect myself.
“He was going to hurt me, Teddy.”
He doesn’t stop me when I start walking towards him.
“What?” he chokes out.
“Teddy, he had me pinned up against the wall, he was tearing at my trousers, he—” I fall to my knees and break down. I’m sobbing into my hands in the middle of the street. I’ve never felt so pathetic.
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry,” Teddy cries out. He comes down to me.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to shout at you, I… I just want to know who killed my mother,” I sob as he strokes my hair. We hold each other in the dead of night as we cry into each other’s shoulders. “I’m suck a fucking idiot. I almost let it happen again, I almost lost control. He almost—”
“Noah, stop. This isn’t your fault.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I screamed at you over something so stupid and made it this big thing.
I was just so scared Teddy. I don’t want to lose you.
I should have been supporting you through this but instead I freaked out.
I thought whatever is going on with this graffiti was connected to my mum, and eventually you’ll get hurt like she did.
I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.
I’m already struggling as it is trying to live my life without my Mum.
I can’t live my life without you too, Teddy.
Please believe me.” I finish talking as my sobs quiet down.
“Can I tell you something?” Teddy asks and I nod about a hundred times.
My head still feels heavy. “Noah, you are the most beautiful, most kind human being I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.
You’re also the most hurt and beaten down human being I’ve ever met.
Life has been so fucking cruel to you. I don’t want to lose you to this war you’re fighting.
You have to stop worrying about the bronze family.
I don’t want you to fall into a darkness you can’t escape.
” I stand up and hug him tightly. “Please stop chasing this. Don’t let it consume you.
Please. This is too much for you,” he pleads.
I nod again. I don’t know what to say with my words, so I show him.
I kiss him. It’s slow and soft. His lips taste salty with a hint of the sweetest Iced Coffee imaginable. I need to go on my tiptoes to get to his height.
He colours me in with the deepest shade of yellow, the one they use for smiley faces and dandelions and the sun in the corner of kids drawings. Our bodies are illuminated from faint street lights.
In this kiss, we’re in our own corner of the universe.
I want my life to be with him. I want this so badly.
I can’t mess this up. When we back away I realize some of the blood from my face is on his.
He licks his hand and rubs my face in slow circles, trying his best to get the blood off, then I do the same to him.
“C’mon, let’s go home and clean up. You need some toothpaste,” he says, with a small chuckle.
“I might have threw up earlier,” I slur. I hold his hand and we begin to walk back to the flat. My hand stings as he touches the bloody knuckles, but I’m too drunk to care.
“We can get your hand seen to too. Daisy did a first aid course in high school.”
“I’m not sure I trust that,” I laugh, and Teddy laughs with me.
Daisy bandages up my hand while I drink some water and tea.
“Did he deserve it?” She asks as she finishes up the bandage.
“He was going to hurt me in a pub bathroom, but I’m okay,” I tell her, not giving her much detail. My head is starting to hurt again.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” she says with a smile. She finishes up and I take a look at my hand. It’s not as sore as it was, but I’ll probably feel it more tomorrow.
Teddy comes out from his room with a pile of clothes in his hand.
“Hey, I got you some pjs,” he tells me, handing over the pile.
“Does this mean I get to stay here tonight?” I ask, trying to hide the excitement in my voice, but the alcohol doesn’t really help.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go anywhere in your state,” he points out. I look down at the pjs. They’ll probably be a bit big for me but it’s okay.
“I’ll go change,” I tell them, heading to the bathroom.
Their bathroom has a shower/bath combo on one side of the room, then a toilet and sink beside each other.
There’s a big mirror in front and I notice how completely drunk I look.
My eyes are droopy and bloodshot. I probably don’t look very attractive right now.
I float around the room attempting to take my clothes off and put the pjs on.
It’s grey pajama bottoms and a plain black t-shirt.
I bring the t-shirt up to my nose. It smells just like Teddy.
It smells of his deodorant with a little bit of sweat mixed in.
It makes me smile. I’m definitely keeping these.
I head out the bathroom and into the living room. Daisy and Teddy are talking, but fall silent when I enter.
“Bedtime for you I think,” Teddy says. I turn to him and pout.
“I don’t want to yet,” I tell him. He frowns.
“Well I’m going to bed, so goodnight,” she says with a smile, before heading to her and Cat’s room.
“Goodnight, Noah,” she says, patting me on the shoulder.
“Thanks for this,” Teddy tells her. She simply nods, before continuing down the hall. I practically fall onto the couch.
“Can we watch a movie?” I ask, still slurring my words.
I don’t feel like sleeping just yet. I just want a cuddle.
I want to hold him tight and never let go.
Teddy sighs before sitting down next to me.
He motions me to snuggle in and I take him up on the offer.
He kisses me on the forehead while grabbing the remote to turn on the TV.
He grabs a blanket too, and covers us with it.
“What do you want to watch?” He asks, scrolling through the menus.
“Luca.”
“The Disney movie?” He asks, to which I nod. I nestle in under his arm, my happy place.
“Will you take me to Italy one day?” I ask, my drunken brain is coming up with random stuff and saying it before a second thought.
“If you want to, mi amor,” he says, smiling above me.
“That’s Spanish, and you’re not even saying it right,” I giggle.
He runs his fingers through my hair as he turns the movie on. I lean into his face to kiss him, and his soft lips make my body relax completely.
“I like it when you call me things like that. Honey and baby sound nice when you say them,” I mumble. I close my eyes as I lean closer into his chest.
“No sleeping, I thought we were watching the movie?”
“I’m just resting my eyes… jeez,” I reply. I open my eyes to watch the movie, but between the warmth of his chest, and the way his fingers are moving through my hair, I can’t help but close my eyes. I’m not going to sleep, I’m just going to enjoy this for a moment.
“You’re my favourite person Teddy,” I tell him, before I fall into a deep sleep on his chest.