Chapter Six
Raven
I tap my pen against my lyrics notebook as I think of the perfect opening verse to fit the song I’m trying to write.
It’s Thursday after school, and I’m supposed to start studying for my math test, which is going to be super hard because my teacher packed in so much information in only a few short weeks.
But I’m not in the mood. And the truth is, I’m not sure I’m in the mood to write now, either.
I thought delving into the world of music would make me feel better because I’ve been feeling so blah the last three days, but maybe nothing can get me out of this mood.
Ever since my talk with Kylen on Monday, I can’t get him out of my head.
I keep playing the conversation over and over, trying to dissect every word, every facial expression, every body movement, to figure out if I misunderstood what he was trying to tell me.
That maybe he wanted to be us again. How many times do I need to remind myself it’s wishful thinking?
I’m not the same person I was back then and neither is he.
But there’s still this inkling in the back of my mind…
The door opens and Sophie skips into our dorm room, humming.
She and I are lucky to be roommates, and Carly and Addie are lucky to be roommates, too.
The way Sophie’s face is lit up with pure bliss causes my stomach muscles to clench.
Ever since all three of my friends have found amazing boyfriends, I’ve felt so many mixed emotions.
I’m super happy for them that they met their soulmates so young, but I can’t help but feel jealous because I want that, too.
I knew for a while that I would be the last one to meet my perfect guy because they wanted it more than me.
But now that I see how blissfully in love all six of them are, I want it more than I’ve ever wanted it.
A part of me wonders if love is ruined for me. What I experienced that summer with Kylen was just so perfect. It was a dream come true. But then it was snatched away from me, leaving me with a gaping hole in my heart. Maybe something like that can never be filled.
“Did you have a fun date with Damian?” I ask Sophie.
She beams as she hops onto her bed. “The best! We rode on his motorcycle to our special place because the weather was a little warmer today. Then we stopped off at the bookstore because he wanted to buy me a new book that came out.”
I raise my brow at her. “Didn’t you promise your parents you would finish the books you have before buying anything new?”
She lifts her shoulders with an innocent face. “What can I do if my boyfriend wants to spoil me?”
I share in her laughter, trying not to let the hole in my heart grow bigger. I know it’s only natural that one would feel left out if all her friends were in relationships and she wasn’t, but why has it been hurting me more lately?
Is it because of Kylen? Having him here reminds me that had things turned out differently, I could have been just as blissfully in love as my best friends.
Sophie’s smile fades away as she studies me. “Is everything okay, Raven?”
“Hmm?” I force a grin. “Of course. Everything is great. I’m glad you had an amazing time with Damian.”
“Thanks. We have a rich-people dinner coming up next week, and his mom said he doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t want to. But I think he wants to be supportive of his mom, even though he’s still not sure how involved he wants to be with the Harrington Empire. Either way, I’m happy to support him.”
“And dress up like a princess, huh?” I say with a smile.
“As long as Addie still lets me borrow her clothes.”
“Of course she does. And maybe this time those stuck-up rich people will finally accept you as Damian’s girlfriend and not Harrington’s charity case.”
Sophie waves her hand. “I don’t really care what any of them think. All that matters to me is that I have Damian.”
I smile again, and again, I feel that constriction in my chest. What’s it like to feel so secure in the guy you love? Knowing that no matter what, he feels the same way for you as you feel for him? No guessing, no worrying, no hoping.
“Raven, are you sure you’re okay?” Sophie asks.
“Yeah. Why shouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know.” She taps her chin as she studies me again. “You’ve been acting a little differently the last few days. Quiet, keeping to yourself. You seem down.”
I try to keep my face neutral as I shrug. “Just stressed about school.”
She nods slowly, though her eyes tell me she doesn’t believe a word I said. I know she wants to pry, but she and the others promised they would lay off of me. I normally don’t keep anything from them, but Kylen is completely different.
“It’s just…” she starts, voice hesitant.
“What?”
She sighs. “I just can’t help but feel like something major is bothering you, and instead of telling us about it, you’re holding it in.
I just worry about you. Carly and Addie are worried, too.
You know we’re here for you. We love you so darn much and want to make your life easier.
We can’t help but wonder why you’re not opening up to us. It kind of hurts, honestly.”
I get up from my desk and lower myself next to her, wrapping my arm around her. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to shut you guys out. It’s just…” Now I sigh. “I just feel silly about the whole thing. I’m embarrassed.”
“About Camp Lover Boy?”
“You know his name, Sophie.”
“I know,” she says with a laugh. “Forgive me. Kylen Barrett.”
“Yeah. I…” I push some hair behind my ear. “The truth is, I’ve been a little messed up since he arrived at Harrington. I don’t know how to make sense of my emotions. Seeing him in the flesh after all this time…” I shake my head. “I don’t know how to explain.”
“Well, you can try,” she offers. “We’re on scholarship. I’m sure we can keep up.”
That makes me laugh. “Okay. Thanks. You can text Addie and Carly to come over. We have some time before curfew.”
She hugs me. “Are you sure you want to talk about it? I don’t want to pressure you.”
I nod. “I do. You’re right that I should talk to you guys about it. It’s not healthy to keep it all bottled up inside me. And I know you guys will make me feel better.”
“Okay. I’ll text them to come over.”
She shoots off the text while I put my lyrics notebook away. I also stash my guitar in my closet. I was hoping strumming some chords would inspire me to write the perfect opening to my song, but my creative jug seems to be totally empty.
Carly and Addie arrive a few minutes later and lower themselves next to Sophie on her bed. I return to my bed and wring my hands in my lap.
“Sophie told us you want to talk to us about something, Raven?” Carly says.
I nod as I stare at my slippers. “I want to tell you guys a little bit about what happened between Kylen and me the summer after ninth grade.”
I know they must be extremely excited to finally hear about it, but I’m thankful they’re being cool about it and are wearing supportive expressions. Though Addie seems to be struggling to contain her intrigue more than the others.
“So we met at camp, obviously. I don’t want to go into too many details because I don’t want to relive it, but basically, we got close that summer.
I…” My cheeks feel warm. “I know it sounds cliché, but I fell head over heels in love with him. He was so kind and sweet, so attentive and supportive. I didn’t have many friends there, and he and I were practically attached at the hip.
It really was the perfect summer. Like a dream come true. ”
“It sounds wonderful,” Sophie says.
“It was.” I swallow. “But I soon learned it was only one-sided. Kylen didn’t feel the same way about me.”
Their faces fall.
“Are you sure?” Addie asks.
“I confessed my love to him,” I say as I stare down at my knees. “I gave my heart to him and he…well, he stomped all over it.”
Carly’s hand flies over her mouth as her eyes widen. “Oh, Raven.” She gets up and gathers me in her arms. “I’m so sorry that happened. And ugh.” She rubs her forehead. “We teased you about it all this time, not knowing how painful it was for you. I’m so sorry.”
“Me, too.” Addie hurries to my side and gives me a big hug. “I was so obsessed with the idea of you guys having an epic love story that I didn’t realize I was hurting you. I’m so sorry, Raven. I feel so bad.”
“It’s okay,” I try to assure them, but Carly is also hugging me and telling me how sorry she is. “You couldn’t have known,” I tell them. “I should have opened up about it.”
“You didn’t owe us any explanations,” Addie says. “We should have been more sensitive about it.”
“It’s okay. I’m not hurt by you guys.” I take all of their hands in mine. “I’m glad I’m finally talking to you about it. It feels really good. Liberating.”
Sophie smiles in relief. “I was hoping it would be.”
“Seeing him at the assembly on Monday must have been so hard for you,” Carly says as they settle down next to me on my bed. “It probably felt like you were being stabbed in the heart with a million knives.”
“Yeah, kind of,” I say. “It was more like I was trying to figure out how I was going to avoid him because I never wanted to speak to him ever again.”
“And we kept trying to push you to him,” Addie says with a guilty expression. “I feel like such a rotten person.”
“It’s okay, Addie.” I close my arms around her with a smile. “I’m sure I would have done the same if the roles were reversed. You guys couldn’t have known how I felt when I didn’t tell you. I promise I’m okay.”
“Okay.” She offers me a small smile.
“But something happened, didn’t it?” Sophie asks. “That’s why you’ve been down the last few days. It’s not just the fact that Kylen is here.”
I nod. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Carly quickly assures me. “We support you no matter what.”
“Thanks, but I want to tell you. It’s been eating away at me the last few days and I feel like I might lose my mind.”
They nod and scoot closer to me, Addie sliding her hand into mine.