Chapter Seventeen
Raven
While I’m working on my English homework, someone knocks on my door. I assume it’s either Carly or Addie, but when I pull the door open, I’m surprised to find Kylen and Beck standing there.
“Oh, hi,” I say, feeling my walls once again shoot to the roof.
Kylen looks super nervous, and I’m not sure what expression Beck wears. Maybe guilt? Regret? What exactly are they doing here?
“Is it okay if we come in?” Kylen asks. “We need to talk to you.”
“O…kay.” I widen the door and step back, allowing them to enter. I have no idea what this is about, but it seems Kylen’s nerves have just magnified by a hundred.
We stand in the middle of the room, the two of them across from me. We just look at each other. The room is so quiet I can hear the girls next door shrieking over some good news they got.
“Is this about the project?” I ask, noticing that Kylen hasn’t taken his eyes off of me once since he entered my room. It’s a total contrast to how he’s been the last few days, since we both were avoiding each other’s eyes.
“Not the project.” Kylen rubs the back of his neck and his free hand clenches and unclenches at his side. “It’s, er…” His chest expands and deflates as he takes a deep breath. “I know you wrote the song.”
My heart turns into an ice cube as panic pricks me from every corner. “W-what? No I didn’t.”
“I saw your face,” he says, voice hoarse. He clears his throat. “When the guys and I performed it at lunch. I know you wrote it, Raven.”
I spin around and fold my arms over my chest. I don’t want to outright lie again, but there’s no way in heck I’m admitting it to him. Did he really figure it out just by looking at my face? Geez, was I that obvious?
“It’s about us,” he says in a gentle voice. I hear him step closer to me. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I feel the warmth radiating off his body. “About what we went through at camp.”
I twist around and narrow my eyes. “You can’t just come into my room and start accusing me of things without proof. Do you really want to tick me off? Just leave me alone.”
“No, Raven, you don’t understand. You had it wrong all this time. We both did. You never got my letter.”
I take in the desperate look in his eyes. Whatever this guy is feeling, it’s genuine. Full of pain. “Letter?” I ask, my voice shaky. “What letter?”
Kylen opens his mouth, but then his lips snap shut and his brows furrow. As though he’s not sure how to explain whatever he wants to say.
Beck moves forward with an even guiltier look on his face. “It’s my fault, Raven. All of it is my fault.”
I gape at him. “What are you talking about?”
“Remember the dance?” Kylen asks. “How we…” It seems he can’t finish his sentence.
Tearing my gaze away, my throat feels as dry as a desert. Is he kidding? Of course I remember what happened at the dance! As if I’ll ever be able to forget it.
It was the weekend before camp was over, and it was a tradition for the camp to have a dance.
Like many girls, I was super excited to share an amazing night with the boy of my dreams, dancing the night away in what I thought would be the perfect and best night of my life.
It was like that at first. I wore the prettiest dress I owned, did my hair and makeup, and felt like a real princess.
When Kylen picked me up at my cabin, I really thought I fell into a fairytale.
He looked so dashing in his suit, the most handsome guy in the entire world.
His eyes shone so bright as he gazed at me with what I can only describe as love in his eyes.
The night was magical, the kind of thing people write songs about. I never imagined I would ever experience something like that, and I couldn’t believe my dreams were actually coming true.
Then we decided to go somewhere private.
We strolled around the area, just the two of us and the beautiful nature around us.
And then, under the beautiful night sky, we kissed.
It was the most amazing thing I ever experienced in my life.
I didn’t think I could ever be happier. I thought my heart would explode.
We kissed again, and then again. Like we couldn’t get enough of each other.
And then I told him the three words I felt for weeks. I told him, “I love you.”
I’ll never forget the alarm that flashed in his eyes. Instead of pulling me into his arms and murmuring into my ear that he loved me, too, and pressing a loving kiss on my lips, he stepped back, eyes still wide with fear. He spun around and ran away.
He ran away.
He just left me there, allowing my heart to shatter, piece by piece.
It was then that I realized it was all a game to him.
I was a joke. He never cared about me, he just wanted to play around with my emotions.
I cried myself to sleep for nights, not caring that my cabinmates heard.
I knew they were curious, but they never asked me about it because we weren’t friends.
In fact, I think I sometimes heard them giggling to one another.
I don’t know why that made everything worse.
I guess because I felt hated, unaccepted, the scum of the earth.
Was I really so unlovable that no one wanted to be my friend?
That the only guy who I thought liked me was really pretending?
It’s a good thing I had Carly and Sophie, or who knows how broken I would feel. I held onto their friendship for the rest of camp. Knowing they were in my life was the only thing that got me through the days.
Shoving the memories away, I look right into Kylen’s eyes. “Yes, I remember the dance at camp. Is there something you want to say about it?”
I know my words are like daggers, but all the pain and heartache I’ve felt the past year and a half is bleeding out of me.
Kylen’s eyes widen and he staggers back a little, as though my words are real darts and stabbed him in the heart.
“I know I hurt you,” he says, pain, regret, and guilt laced to every word.
“I’m so sorry. But you don’t know the whole story.
I came back looking for you that night. I wanted to explain why I ran away.
But you were gone. I looked around for you, but I figured you must have gone back to your cabin.
I tried talking to you the next day, but you avoided me.
I didn’t see you once because you did a good job staying away.
I knew I messed up royally and that you wouldn’t give me a chance to explain if I stopped by your cabin, so I wrote a letter.
I explained everything in detail, why I did what I did, how I felt.
I spent hours on it. And I asked Beck to give it to you.
” He slowly turns his head to his best friend.
When I raise my eyes to Beck, I find the guiltiest look I’ve ever seen on a person. As though he wants to punch himself, then throw himself into a river, and then punch himself again.
“I read it and then threw it out,” he says in a low voice, eyes dropping to his shoes.
“I know I shouldn’t have, but…” His breath constricts.
“I was jealous of your friendship. I was lonely. I was hurt. I felt like I was losing my best friend because he kept ditching me to hang out with you. I know nothing I say can excuse my behavior, but I was so scared I’d lose him.
And then I read in the letter how he felt about you and how he wanted to keep in touch.
A fear I never felt before paralyzed me.
I thought I would spend the rest of my high school life without my best bud because he would be obsessed with you, just like he was at camp.
I thought he would cancel our hangs to video call you instead.
He would go visit you on holidays instead of spending them with me.
I should have talked to him and told him how I felt instead of throwing the letter out.
It was such a crappy thing to do. I’m really sorry, Raven. ”
My legs bring me to my bed, where I sit down and gawk from one to the other. There’s a huge lump lodged in my throat and my heart beats so fast it feels like my vessels will burst. It seems like I can’t get my vocal cords to work, but when they do, I whisper, “You wrote me a letter?”
Kylen nods. “I explained it all. And I wrote down my information so we could keep in touch. When you didn’t contact me…
” He swallows as his gaze drops. “I thought you didn’t care about me anymore.
It hurt like heck, but I didn’t want it to destroy me.
So I just let it go. I let it all go.” His eyes lift to me. “But I never forgot.”
My chest heaves as I try to suck in air. My vision is a little spotty and it feels like the room is spinning. Am I going to faint? Or is this a panic attack?
I manage to regulate my breathing, telling myself to relax. Kylen wrote me a letter. He didn’t stomp all over my heart. This was all a misunderstanding.
Beck marches over and takes my hand. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness.
I don’t deserve Kylen’s, either. It would be totally understandable if you would throw me to the wolves and hope I die a slow and painful death.
But I can’t change the past, no matter how much I want to.
The only thing I can do is apologize and hope you see that I’m genuine. ”
I keep my eyes on Beck for a few seconds before closing my other hand around our interlocked ones and offering him a small smile.
“What you did was terrible. You really suck, dude. But I understand how hard it was for you. I really appreciate you coming all the way here to explain and to apologize. I do forgive you, but it might take some time until I feel like I can trust you. I need time to process all of it.”
He quickly nods. “Yeah, I totally get it. Take all the time you need. Not like I’m going anywhere,” he jokes, then grimaces. “Sorry. It’s not the right time to joke.” He releases my hand and steps back. “I’ll leave you guys alone. You must have lots to talk about.”