Chapter Seventeen #2
When he passes Kylen, he hesitantly raises a fist, like he’s not sure his best friend will bump it. But Kylen does and then claps him on the back, letting him know they’re okay.
Before Beck leaves, he turns his head to offer me a last smile, and then walks out.
My room is completely silent, more than it was before Kylen and Beck arrived. The girls next door are shrieking again. Were they always this loud, or am I just noticing it now?
Kylen rubs the back of his neck again. “Can I sit?” He gestures to the spot next to me.
I nod.
As he lowers himself onto my bed, his shoulder knocks into mine. A chill runs down my spine, and I once again feel the heat leaping off his body. I wring my shaky hands in my lap, my heart racing through my body again. I think I might faint again. Or maybe puke. Probably both.
“I’m really sorry, Raven.” He stares at the spot in front of him, his voice quaking.
“I should have been brave enough to deliver my letter to you in person. But I thought you would rip it up before even reading it. Everything would have been different if you just…” He shakes his head and sighs.
I know what he wanted to say. Everything would be different if I just read the letter. He and I…we could still be together.
I slowly turn my head to him. “What did you write in the letter?”
With his gaze still pasted on the spot before him, he says, “I explained that the six weeks of camp were the best weeks of my life. You became one of my best friends. I woke up every morning super excited because I knew I would be spending the whole day with you, and I went to sleep super excited every night because I knew I would dream about you. You always made me feel heard. You were always there to listen to my problems and complaints. Just being near you made me feel like I was special. You have a way about you that made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. Like I could do anything. You made me want to be the best version of myself.”
He turns his head slightly to steal a peek at me before focusing back on the spot before him.
“The dance was the best night of my life. I wished I could bottle it up and experience it over and over again. I knew we would have to go our separate ways a few days later, so I tried so hard to savor every second. I wanted the night to be perfect for you.”
“It was,” I whisper.
“It was for me, too. And when we…when we kissed…” He takes in a sharp breath.
“I thought I would die from happiness.” He lays his hands on his knees as his breathing grows labored.
“When you said those three words…I don’t know what happened.
I just freaked. To this day, I have no idea why I did that.
You have no idea how many nights I stayed up late reliving that moment, cursing myself for running away.
I think I was scared. I was thrown off guard.
I didn’t think you would say it to me. But you did, and I totally froze.
Maybe because I don’t have that many people in my life that I’m close to, maybe because I’m not used to being so close to another person, closer than I’ve ever been to anyone.
Maybe because saying those three words made everything real.
I didn’t realize until that moment that I gave my heart to you.
I didn’t realize how vulnerable I really was.
And after losing my parents…well, I guess I was very careful to protect my heart. ”
He pauses for a second to focus on his breathing.
“But then I realized how silly I was. Why was I running from you? What was I so scared of? You were awesome, the most amazing person in the world. I felt for you just as strongly as you felt for me. Maybe I was worried about losing people I was close to, just like I lost my parents, but I didn’t want that to stop me from experiencing something amazing.
I always tried to be positive and look at the bright side.
But you were gone before I could explain and then you avoided me.
So I wrote it all in the letter. I was heartbroken when I didn’t hear back from you.
After a few months, I forced myself to let you go.
” He finally turns his head and looks at me.
“I’m sorry, Raven. So very sorry. I hate myself for putting you through that. ”
I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have avoided you.
You think I didn’t notice that you were trying to talk to me?
But I was stubborn and too hurt and figured you just wanted to make yourself feel better.
I felt stupid for allowing myself to fall for you.
But I should have been more mature and at least heard you out. Things could have been different.”
“Yeah.”
We both sit in silence again.
“I know we can’t change the past,” Kylen continues. “And there are a lot of emotions in all of this. But do you think we can try to look past it and be friends again? Because I always felt like you were one of my best friends.”
I stare at the floor. “I felt like you were one of my best friends, too.”
“Now that we know it was all a misunderstanding, maybe we can finally let it go. You’re still the amazing person I met at camp, and I hope in time you’ll see that I’m decent, too.”
“Just decent?” I can’t help but smile a little as I look at him.
He laughs softly. “Well, I think I’m more than decent, but I don’t want to sound cocky here.”
“You were never cocky like the other guys at camp who were trying to show off to impress girls. You were always so sweet and kind. And I loved how positive you were.”
“Thanks.”
“And you’re right that we have nothing to feel angry or hurt about.
It was a misunderstanding. And as much as I hate what Beck did, I can’t be mad at him.
I know what it’s like to feel lonely. If I saw I was losing my best friends, I’d be worried, too.
I mean, I wouldn’t have sabotaged a letter, but I would be very worried. ”
“Yeah, the jerk,” he half jokes.
That makes me laugh. “He is a jerk, isn’t he? Maybe we should throw him to the wolves and watch him die a slow and painful death.”
“He’s not worth me going to jail, though.”
“Yeah. Me, either.”
We chuckle again, then sit in silence.
Kylen holds out his hand. “So…friends?”
I stare at his hand, remembering how good it felt when we walked around camp with our hands laced together. I especially loved when I got jealous looks from the other girls. They thought I wasn’t cool enough to be their friend, but I managed to snag the heart of a cute and sensitive guy.
I slide my hand into his. “Friends.”
He punches his free hand in the air. “I thought I would never hear those words come out of your mouth!”
That has me giggling.
He smiles. “I miss your laugh.”
“Well, don’t expect to hear it often.”
“Is that a challenge?”
“Maybe.”
“Okay. We’ll see.” He stands and smiles shyly at me. “Is it okay if I hug you?”
My heart nearly catapults out of my chest. We haven’t hugged since the dance. “I’d really love that.”
I stand and walk into his open arms.
“Thanks so much for giving me the chance to explain myself,” he whispers against my temple. “It feels like a load has been lifted off my shoulders.”
“Thanks for apologizing and explaining everything. I’m sorry for the way I treated you. The whole situation is kind of messed up.”
“It is,” he agrees. “But now we can look past it and move on.”
I nod.
He steps back. “About your song. We’re sorry we took it without your permission. We found it in the garbage and asked around for the writer. We even hung posters. But you never claimed it, so we figured we could take it.”
My eyebrows fly up. “It was in the garbage? How did it end up there?”
“I guess someone must have found it on the floor or something and thought it was trash. But it’s not trash. It’s the best song I’ve ever read. Like super amazing.”
My cheeks warm up. “Thanks.”
He smiles. “Of course. How do you feel about the guys and me singing it? If you’re not cool with it, we understand.”
I’m quiet as I think it over. “I’m not really sure how I feel about it. No one has ever heard my songs before. I need time to think about it.”
He nods. “Take as long as you need. We won’t sing it anymore.”
“Thanks.”
He dips his head. “No problem. I’ll return the song to you tomorrow. Good night, Raven.”
“Good night, Kylen.”
He smiles one more time before walking out.
I close the door after him and press my back to it.
What just happened? I feel like I’m in a dream.
I can’t count how many times I’d lie in bed imagining a scenario similar to this, but I never thought it would actually happen.
I genuinely thought Kylen ran away because he didn’t have feelings for me, but it turns out he did.
He felt just as strongly for me as I felt for him.
All this time…such wasted emotions. Such a wasted opportunity. He and I could have been…
There’s no point in wondering about what could have been.
For whatever reason, things turned out the way they did.
I don’t know what lies in store for us, but I’m not going to dream and hope for things to turn out a certain way.
The only thing I can do is be kind to him and take it one day at a time.
Whatever is meant to happen will happen.
Grabbing my phone, I ask my friends to meet me in my room. They all arrive at different times, and when we’re all finally together, sitting on both Sophie and my beds, I tell them what happened this afternoon.
Carly jumps to her feet. “Wait, wait, wait. Are my ears hearing correctly? You and Kylen are friends?”
“Yeah,” I say with a small smile. “It was all a misunderstanding. Beck and Kylen explained it all. I still can’t believe it.”
“So…there’s still hope,” Addie says, her face the brightest I’ve ever seen.
“I don’t want to think about that, Addie. There are so many emotions involved and we need to heal. For now, I’m glad to be Kylen’s friend again.”
“That’s good,” Sophie says, trying to sound neutral. But there’s no mistaking the excitement in her voice. I know what they’re all thinking, but like I said, I don’t want to hope and dream for anything. I just want to live my life as best as I can.
“This is really exciting news,” Carly says. “I’m so happy for you and Kylen, Raven. I think you guys really needed this.”
“Thanks.”
Addie raises her hand. “I have a question.”
“Okay,” I tell her.
“I couldn’t ask before because I didn’t want to hurt you, but why did you name your song, ‘I Don’t Need Your Kisses?’ Did you and Kylen…” She presses her fingers together, depicting two people kissing.
With a laugh, I say, “Yes, we did. At the dance at camp.”
“Oh my gosh!” Carly yells.
“I knew it!” Sophie practically dances around the room. “He’s a good kisser, isn’t he? He looks like he’s a good kisser. I bet you had the best kisses in the world.”
“Maybe,” I say with a giggle.
“I need to know all the details about the romantic dance.” Addie plops down near me on the bed. “Tell us every detail and don’t hold back.”
“This doesn’t mean we’re getting back together, Addie,” I warn.
“So? I still want to know all about your romantic night.”
“Same!” Carly bounces on my bed. “Don’t leave out any detail.”
With a playful roll of my eyes, I do as they say. And for the first time in my life, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s once again shattering into a million pieces. It feels good for a change.