CHAPTER TWENTY #2
On another shelf sat small boxes of contacts – gold rings circling the iris to mimic oculsight. It made me question what was real and what was manufactured. Why the glassways ended before reaching South Alta. How Pain Carriers stayed out of sight, out of mind – used and ignored.
The last shelf sent my heart up into my throat: bottles of small yellow pills stamped with the Dominion logo. Perceta – oxycodone. An opioid. Nervxs or leeviate was supposed to be enough. Heat rose up my neck as anger and confusion twisted together. I needed to see Nova. Now.
I left the hotel, avoiding the protestors outside holding signs demanding transparency in the Freedom System, shouting about fodder for the rich.
I couldn’t get their faces out of my mind – the angry Pain Carrier at the Legacy Party town hall, the way he’d glowered at me.
Then the server this evening: the facade, the tight jaw as he insisted he only needed water.
I’d seen that expression too many times on Nova.
I knew that server felt his hellflare, just like I knew Nova would endure anything for Skye, for her family.
Every time I blinked, I saw the discarded bills in her home – final notices newly marked PAID.
I couldn’t stand it. Someone was lying to me. I tried texting and calling Nova, but I got the same message each time in Centaurus’s enthusiastic voice: this user’s notifications are silenced.
I can’t wait.
Pulling into her neighborhood, I noticed for the first time that the streetlights in South Alta weren’t solar-powered.
One flickered as I passed; two others were completely out.
I parked out front. If I stopped to think, I’d back out of my plan.
I jogged around to the side of her house, trying to remember the layout from the one time I’d walked through it.
I’d seen Nova and Skye’s room for the briefest second – one side clean and decorated with constellations, the other crowded with art supplies, and piles of clothes and textbooks.
Conveniently for me, that side was closest to the window.
I picked up a small pebble and tossed it gently, then another. I considered walking right up and knocking, but it was pitch black outside, and pulling back the blinds to see a shadow-shrouded figure that close in the middle of the night would freak her out. It’d freak me out.
With the third pebble, the blinds shifted and Nova appeared, her braids tied up in a hot-pink scarf. Estelle was there too, bowls of popcorn and fizzy soda on the bed. Nova froze and so did I. We stared for a moment before she shut the blinds.
Shit. I paced at her window. This was stupid of me –
The lock on the front door clicked. I jogged around to meet her, freezing again, unsure what to do. It was the way she looked at me – so much hurt, so much pain. I shouldn’t have come. This was selfish.
She gestured toward my car. ‘Can we talk inside? Skye’s having her slumber night with Daddy and Leo in the family room. I don’t want to disturb them.’
I nodded, opened the passenger side for her, then slid into the driver’s seat. I took a deep breath, my question burning at the tip of my tongue: can you feel my pain? I could only stare at her. The flickering streetlight sparked in her eyes.
She tightened her robe. ‘I assume you didn’t come over to sit awkwardly in your car.’
‘No, I didn’t.’ I gathered my voice, placing my hands on the steering wheel, then in my lap. Suddenly, I didn’t know what to do. Everything would change for us after this conversation.
I wanted us to go back to how we were, before my family got involved. But if she gave me the answer I expected, how would we survive that? How would she ever get past my family after what they’d done, after I hadn’t done enough?
That was what I saw in her eyes tonight. She’d been strong for me, but I’d done nothing. She’d gone through that interview alone, then the gala. I’d brushed off Leo and her father – the town hall.
‘Is this about me standing you up this morning?’
I shook my head. ‘No. You needed your space. You probably still do. I think I understand why.’ I paused, bracing myself.
‘I know that server felt his hellflare tonight. I heard the stories at the town hall. But you keep telling me you can’t feel a thing.
I think you’re lying to me. You, my family – maybe everyone.
I hate being lied to. Just tell me the truth. We can work through it.’
Silence stretched between us. One minute.
Two. Then Nova laughed. ‘You hate being lied to?’ There was no humor in her voice.
‘Did you hate it when you found out how much of Lucille B. Anarcha’s history was left out of your schoolbooks?
Because that lie made me furious. Or how about telling everyone I chose to be your Pain Carrier and waived my anonymity so your family could parade me around? Another lie that pissed me off.
‘Here’s the best one and the truth you’re looking for: I feel every touch of your helical disease beneath my skin – the way it burns and slashes my nervous system like a freakin’ knife, the way it brings me to my knees if I’m not pumped full of the only weak pain medication I can get my hands on.
But did I lie to you about that? Or did your family and their Freedom System lie to me? ’
Shock and guilt flooded every part of me. She seethed, and I could only sit there, destroyed. Eyes wide, I tried to speak. She could feel my pain. I was hurting her – I hurt her. It wasn’t just physical. I heard it in her voice. It was more than that.
‘I’m in constant pain, Castor. There’s no way for me to get rid of helical disease.
And now I can’t get rid of my name being tied to your family.
The reason I didn’t show up this morning is because whenever I let myself think about all this – about what knowing you has done to me – I …
’ Her voice cracked. ‘I wish I hadn’t met you. ’
Her words stabbed straight through me. She was in pain because of me; she suffered because of me. Even if she hadn’t confessed it, I’d heard the hesitation, the masking, every time. I chose to be oblivious because believing her lie was easier than facing her truth.
‘I – If I could –’ I stumbled over my words.
I pictured myself almost drowning at Northend.
Remembered how I feened for another hit of hydromorphone.
The trip with Grandfather to his old neighborhood, the street full of addicts.
I had to give up my pain. I couldn’t have kept it.
But if I had known – ‘I’d take it back. If I could, I’d take back my disease in a heartbeat. I never would’ve done it.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t believe you. You can’t say it without your voice shaking. You have the worst poker face.’
‘We can undo this. I know you’re doing this for your family. I-I saw the bills. I can help you. I can support you –’
‘You barely know me.’
‘You know how I feel. I care about you. You said Leo was looking for a foreman job? Dominion’s building a new opioid treatment center in Westlake – he can work there.
Your dad needs his disability papers pushed through?
I’ll call the Whits – hell, the governor. What do you need? I’ll make it happen.’
‘Cas –’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ My voice broke. ‘You never made it seem like things were this bad. Those notices in your living room the other day – that’s why you’re doing this. You’re sitting here in pain – my pain – and I’m walking around so stupid because I didn’t see it.’
Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I notice Nova’s pain? Perla’s? Dr Munroe’s?
I thought knowing Jaiden made me different. I thought knowing and caring about Pain Carrier history meant I understood what they were going through. I didn’t know shit.
And here I am, thinking about myself when it’s not fucking about me.
‘What do you need from me?’ I whispered. ‘I’ll do whatever you say. I can fix this.’
She reached to push my hair out of my eyes, then stopped.
Her gaze cut straight through me. ‘You’re so used to solving things so easily.
This isn’t that. You’ve already done what you can.
’ She settled back, wrapping her arms around herself.
‘You gave up your pain. You’re free of that burden.
You’ve found your freedom in the Freedom System. ’
‘Don’t do that, Nova. I don’t want this for you.’
‘No one wants this for themselves. But we do what we have to.’ Her voice went flat. ‘You won’t take back your pain. You won’t become an addict. You have the privilege not to be.’
‘What can I do? Tell me what to do,’ I begged.
I could do it. I could take my pain back; I tried to convince myself. I could talk to Grandfather, Jacinta. They’d fix the system. There were new trials, a better pain medication. There was always an answer.
‘I don’t want your help. You’re my Pain Giver.
I’m your Pain Carrier. We have our contracts, our NDAs.
We should follow them. There’s a reason people from the glassways don’t come down here.
Some people just don’t mix – Crestview and South Alta.
Pain Givers and Pain Carriers. There’s no reason for us to see each other any more. I can’t see you any more.’
‘Please.’ I wiped my eyes. This was the end. ‘Please.’
‘Estelle’s waiting for me.’ She opened the door, then paused, the smallest smile on her lips. ‘Bye, Castor Cas.’
I held my breath as she crossed her lawn and went inside. I didn’t let it out until the front door closed. Something shattered inside of me.
I slammed my hand against the dashboard. ‘Damn it!’
I’d lost her.