CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Nova
Closing the door, I felt lighter and heavier at the same time.
Cas finally knew the truth about my hellflares, and we were done.
I let out a slow exhale, my back against the wall.
I fished out my phone, then hovered over the delete option for Cas’s contact.
The photo of him was blurry, his laughter infectious even through a still image – so far from his expression a few seconds ago when I told him he was the reason I was in pain.
I’d shattered his reality. It’d broken me too.
Tonight, I hadn’t recognized myself. I’d pretended being a Pain Carrier was a privilege I sought solely for the honor.
That wasn’t me. The way Cas watched me during my speech, he knew it too.
I wanted him to do something about it. Hearing his voice shake when he offered to take back his pain, I didn’t believe he ever could.
He was scared, his world crashing down, and he had every right to be.
I didn’t want this pain either. But I didn’t want to feel used.
Now that it was over with Cas, I was ready to feel like myself again.
I deleted his number and walked into my room.
‘Hey.’ Estelle had grabbed our favorite drinks from the fridge and two pints of ice cream.
The appreciation ceremony didn’t change the fact it was Sunday, which meant it was our night to binge-watch reality shows while Skye had her slumber party with Daddy and Leo.
We’d skipped Hills High, both of us fed up with anything and everything Crestview.
A new episode of Project Blue Crush played on my old mini projector, the sound muted.
‘Should we talk about Cas?’ Estelle offered.
‘I told him the truth. I can feel his pain, and I can’t be with him.’ That was how it had to be. Nothing would ever change that. ‘There’s nothing else to talk about.’ I grabbed a pint of rum raisin and flashed my brave face.
Estelle handed me a spoon. ‘You need to get your emotions out and not bottle them up. We can talk about him if you want. How ugly he looks in a tux.’
I snorted. ‘Let’s be real. I’ve been crying for a week. It’s all out at this point. We went on one date.’ We’d gone on two. Our fake date counted. So did the nights of FaceStreams, all our texts. But tonight wasn’t the night to mourn any of that.
‘Would it help to burn everything he’s ever given you?’ She picked up my body butter.
‘We aren’t setting fire to eighty-dollar body butter.’ I snatched it from her hands. ‘I don’t want to talk or think about him. It’s bad enough every hellflare feels like his touch. I can’t escape him. So while I’m flare-free, I want to eat ice cream and watch bad reality television.’
And that was it. It had to be it. Because thinking about him too long would pull me back, and that wasn’t fair to me.
I told myself I wasn’t lovestruck, but I kept thinking about what Ugo said – about it being OK to be soft.
I didn’t know I could do that until Cas.
I didn’t know it was possible to choose myself. That was what I’d done tonight.
‘That’s fair. In that case –’ Estelle popped open her fizzy lemon sour, a crystalized slice floating in the can. She took a long sip, her cheeks pinching at the tartness.
‘I don’t understand how you drink those,’ I muttered.
She tapped her jaw. ‘The tang makes me feel alive.’ She set the can down. ‘So. You kept a few things about Castor from me, but I also kept a few things from you. I’ve been researching how to get rid of my pain.’
I scooped a bite of ice cream. ‘We can’t get rid of it. That’s the reason for the transference. There’s no cure. Removing it kills the host. Someone has to carry it.’
‘Someone – but not necessarily us.’ She wagged her pink brows, a daring glint in her eyes.
I froze, spoon halfway to my mouth.
‘I found a black market for Pain Carriers. Most use it for perceta or hydromorphone, but if you know where to look and have the right connections, you can find a doctor who’ll cut out your chip.’
I frowned. ‘Isn’t that lethal?’
‘During the transference, the doctors tell you it’s lethal, but supposedly that’s because the pain reverts to the Giver. There are consequences, of course. No more helical disease means no more payments, not to mention fines and jail time.’
‘Hmm.’ I set down my pint of rum raisin. No more pain. Cas could have his pain back like he thought he wanted. But I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do that to anyone. I could never be a Pain Giver, officially or unofficially – not for a broken system.
‘What about why we can feel pain in the first place?’ I asked. ‘Did you find anything about false positives? About what went wrong with our tolerance screenings?’
She hesitated. ‘I don’t think they’re false positives. I think it’s us pretending not to feel anything because we need the money. And then Dominion gaslights us into compliance.’
I almost choked. ‘Wh–what?’
‘It’s just my theory!’ Estelle rushed on. ‘I finally asked Rox. He feels his flares too. There’s something bigger here, I think. But I’m not focused on that. I want my chip out.’
My thoughts spiraled. The Foxes would know if that were true. It’d mean their research was a lie. But how had they kept it quiet?
‘This is what Daddy meant,’ I whispered as everything clicked into place.
The NDAs. The precision and speed with which Albert Fox shut down the rumors about me and Cas.
‘Daddy questioned Cas about why his family didn’t want him to come forward with the truth.
Why they didn’t want attention on the rule they broke.
Otherwise people would dig into the proximity requirement – why it exists, why there are such strict rules around anonymity.
What do you think Carriers would do if they could confront their Pain Giver? ’
‘If I knew who mine was –’ She dragged a finger across her throat, making a tck sound.
‘That’s extreme, Estelle.’
‘Come on, I wouldn’t really.’ She paused. ‘At least, I don’t think I would. I’d be on the run or in jail. And my parents need the money.’
‘Well, I’m glad jail is what’s keeping you from murder.’
‘It is for a lot of people, I hear.’
I rolled my eyes.
‘I really want my chip out,’ she said softly. ‘I heard there are some people who go underground to avoid the consequences. Dwayne is still missing.’
I straightened up. ‘Still?’
‘His parents and roommates are acting like it’s completely normal, but no one’s seen or heard from him since that protest your dad got caught up in. Now it’s like he never existed. His name’s been erased from the school roster.’
It was so much to process. ‘How’d you learn about all this?’
Estelle cleared her throat. ‘So, promise you won’t get mad at me or Leo.’
‘Why would I be mad at – Wait. Leo knows about this? My brother, Leo? Leo Williams? You two have been researching illegal activities and didn’t tell m–’
‘Hold on. Before you get upset, I just learned about all this today. Leo saw me at a Legacy Party meetup this morning and asked why I was there. He’s been learning a lot at these town halls and connecting with other supporters about the black market.
He doesn’t know you can feel your pain, but he suspects it.
I told him I’d talk to you. He wants to help.
And you know he’s going to do something whether or not you let him in. ’
I sank into my pillows. Estelle saying that brought my thoughts back to what I’d wanted from Cas.
I hated how much he was still on my mind.
But this wasn’t about him, his family or their Freedom System.
This was about me – the pain I felt regardless of them.
Estelle and Leo had found this black market, but my reality hadn’t changed.
I could never cut out my chip. I needed my Carrier payments.
I’d already used the first stipend to keep our lights on, and the interview money for Skye’s hospital bills.
The next instalment would be for Daddy’s medication.
He’d been denied disability for a fifth time.
His illness was manageable with medication, but he needed money for it, which required a job he couldn’t get because of his arthritis.
He was stuck in a familiar, frustrating cycle.
Society wasn’t set up for us to break it.
‘I’ll tell him the truth tomorrow. But I can’t stop being a Pain Carrier, not now.’
‘I know.’ Estelle rested her head on my shoulder. ‘No one can.’
FIFTEEN DAYS LEFT
I woke Monday morning, my hellflare chaining me to the bed.
I hissed. Blue light charged through my arm.
It was my third hellflare since speaking to Cas.
I tried to hide them from Estelle, but she’d held me through the night, and we cried together.
She kept telling me how strong I was. I’d seen her in the past with her flares, but those were nothing compared to the multi-day pain events that kept her shut away in her room.
She told me she could never push through those hellflares like I did, and how proud she was of me.
I was in all this pain so Alta Bay’s golden child could be their surfing champion.
This was why I couldn’t be with Cas. I couldn’t like someone who did this to me.
This was his helical disease. And he’d never take it back.
He spoke clearly when offering money to fix things, but him carrying his pain again? He stuttered, hesitated.
I fumbled through my drawer, grabbing the last of my nervxs and taking it without water. When I flopped back on my bed, Leo stood in my doorway.
I glanced past him. ‘Where’s Estelle?’
He stepped inside and closed the door. ‘Giving us time for some brother-sister bonding.’ His gaze darted to my empty bottle of pain pills. ‘I know you feel more of your hellflares than you’re letting on.’
‘And I know you’ve been talking to Estelle.’
Leo leaned against the wall. ‘I hate that it was you and not me. I didn’t start learning the truth until after your transfer. And then you were still painting that damn mural. I thought if you were in pain, you’d stop.’