Chapter 8 #3
No one had ever felt my emotions… at least not since I had been old enough to figure out how to erect my protective walls.
The prospect of having someone else read me was beyond terrifying.
I felt vulnerable, exposed, and utterly self-conscious.
At the same time, denying Linsea what I greedily plundered from her would not only be disrespectful, but could also be construed as a lack of trust. The point of this whole conversation was to lay out the truth, not keep further secrets from her.
“Very well,” I said with much reluctance, trying to ignore the loud voice at the back of my head screaming for me not to comply. “But I will only give you a small glimpse at first to see how you handle it. And if all is fine, I’ll further lower my walls. Okay?”
I braced for her to argue. To my utter relief, she smiled and nodded.
The gratitude emanating from her made me feel like an idiot.
Although Linsea initially made that request out of pure curiosity, it had shifted into something deeper.
In that instant, I realized that she wouldn’t have pushed further had I declined.
But she wanted—maybe even needed—for me to put my walls down, open myself to her willingly, and trust her.
“Alright,” I said, my worry still audible in my voice. “Here goes.”
Heart pounding, I slightly lowered my protective wall.
“Aaah!” Linsea shouted almost immediately.
She slapped both hands to the side of her head, her eyes closed tightly, her face constricted with a painful expression, while she pressed her temples.
“Linsea!” I exclaimed, slamming my psychic walls shut as I rushed to her side. “Are you okay? I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”
She blinked and took a couple of deep breaths before looking back at me. I cupped her cheeks, studying her face to assess the extent of her distress. My mate placed her palms on my chest. For a split second, I feared she would push me away, but she leaned on me for support instead.
“I’m… I’m okay,” she said, her voice a little shaky. “What in the world was that?! Is this what you feel?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry. I should have known better…”
“Don’t apologize, silly male,” she said in a slightly chastising tone. “I insisted you did. But… I thought you said your house dampened the effects of your abilities?”
“It does. This is the bearable level,” I said carefully, still examining her to make sure she was unharmed.
Her eyes widened. “That’s what you call bearable?! You mean it’s normally worse?”
I nodded grimly. “Yes. It’s normally three to four times worse when I’m outside.”
She gaped at me. A flurry of emotions flitted over her features, from shock and disbelief, to pity, sorrow, and a grim determination laced with anger. It was as if she’d found a new enemy she fully intended to take down.
“How can you tolerate it? This is sheer agony! How did you manage not to go insane?” she asked, flabbergasted.
“By living in the bunker,” I said with a hint of self-derision, settling back in my chair now that I was reassured she wasn’t harmed.
“Actually, it was an accidental discovery. Evelyn—my foster mother—was at the end of her rope. I had been screaming nonstop from the pain of the constant psychic assault from everyone that I could perceive over a much-too-wide radius outside the house. She’d been crying from exhaustion from what I’d been putting her through and desperately needed a break.
So she put me there for an hour just so that she could gather herself. ”
“Poor female,” my mate said with sympathy. “I cannot begin to imagine what it must have been like, especially if they didn’t fully understand what was happening with you.”
I nodded. “It was especially hard for her because she also had to keep an eye on me as I was quite strong and constantly trying to maim myself to end the pain. She came back into the bunker, apologizing profusely for abandoning me there. So you can imagine her shock when she found me quiet, and I smiled before hugging her. At first, she thought it was my way of trying to mollify her to make sure I would never be ‘punished’ like that again. Instead I told her that I loved it there.”
“What?! You were the one who asked to live there for the long haul?!” Linsea exclaimed, stunned.
I chuckled. “Yes, I most certainly did. Evelyn argued with me quite a bit to make sure it truly was what I wanted. But I had never been this quiet for so long, not screaming and writhing in pain. So clearly, something in that bunker was agreeing with me. So she consented. Along with her husband, William, they improved the place to provide me with all the comfort I needed.”
My female leaned against the backrest of her seat, a mix of disbelief and comprehension flitting over her gorgeous face.
“Wow, I’d totally misconstrued the entire ordeal. No wonder they didn’t file abuse charges against them,” she mused aloud.
“Correct,” I said with a smile.
Her brow creased. “But then, why did you get a hefty settlement?”
“Because the state failed me. My foster parents pleaded many times for help, but were ignored, given the run around, or redirected left and right because nobody knew what to do or simply couldn’t be bothered,” I explained with a shrug.
“In the end, it served me well as the settlement has allowed me to buy this home and to pretty much live anywhere I want without going insane.”
She slowly nodded, her blue eyes flicking from side to side as she reflected over the whole situation.
However, the main thought that dominated for me was the fact that not once had she seemed turned off, disgusted, or repulsed by me or anything I had revealed.
It shamed me that I ever doubted that my soulmate would be able to accept me with my flaws, severe though they were.
“That pill you took the other day, is it to combat that noise?” she asked carefully.
“Yes,” I replied without hesitation. “It’s called dipramine. It slows down my pineal gland, which in turn blocks part of my ability to feel people. Sadly, it’s not a full shutdown.”
Linsea stiffened, and she leveled an intense stare at me that had all my senses on high alert.
“You said your pineal gland, correct?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“It’s malfunctioning?” she insisted.
“Not exactly. It didn’t form properly.”
My mate’s sharp breath intake freaked me out, especially since her emotions appeared to be all over the place.
“What is it?” I asked.
She shook her head. “In a minute, I will tell you. But please answer one more question for me first. Have you tried psychic disruptors to shield you from people’s thoughts and emotions?”
I made a disdainful gesture. “I did. Every possible model out there, but none of them work. I produce excessive amounts of melatonin, but mine is… unusual. It’s melatonin, and yet it’s not. The doctors said it was abnormal, but they couldn’t quite explain how. Why do you ask?”
She took a long sip of her flavored water before answering.
“I asked my nan if she had any idea why a Temern doctor might want to harm you.”
My back immediately stiffened, and a sense of dread washed over me. Noticing my reaction, Linsea reached across the table to squeeze my hand in a reassuring fashion.
“Don’t worry, Kayog. My nan is absolutely trustworthy. She believes that you might be an Edal.”
I blinked. “What is that?”
She gave me a detailed description of everything her grandmother shared with her. Although there were undeniable similarities, the differences struck me as too significant for me to qualify.
I shook my head. “Those are fascinating revelations. However, that cannot be my case, if only for the fact that I grew to be this old.”
My mate nodded. “That stumped her, too. But there are too many signs pointing in that direction. Maybe the time you spent in that stasis pod played a role. Maybe your parents did something before they resorted to letting you go that helped you survive those first few critical days. There are too many unknowns for us to truly assess whether you somehow benefited from something the others didn’t, which saved you. Would you consent to a medical exam?”
“No,” I said in a tone that brooked no argument.
Although she had expected that answer, I hated the disappointment that emanated from her.
Despite that, the stubborn determination lurking underneath made it clear she wasn’t ready to give up.
I didn’t quite know how I felt about that.
A part of me loved that she clearly wanted to help me while the other dreaded that she would attempt to coerce me into something I wasn’t comfortable with.
“I understand your very valid concerns based on previous experiences,” Linsea said in a reasonable tone. “But there has to be a cure or a way to fix whatever is ailing you. For this, we need the assistance of top medical professionals.”
“I don’t trust them,” I said forcefully.
“Fair, but you could sense if they had ill intentions,” she countered.
“True, but by then it might already be too late for me. They could have me trapped and unable to escape whatever they have in store for me,” I argued, hating that I sounded excessively paranoid.
To my surprise, Linsea rose from her chair and circled around the table to come next to me. I slid my chair back and welcomed her when she settled in my lap. My chest instantly warmed, and the sense of peace I always felt in her presence cranked up a notch.
“Do you trust me, Kayog?” she asked in a soft voice.
“Yes,” I replied without hesitation.
“Then I need you to trust that I will never let anyone harm you, let alone a medical doctor. You say we are soulmates. Although I cannot perceive things the way you do, I cannot deny that there is a strong connection between us like I’ve never felt with anyone else before.
If you’re mine, I will raze this world and any other to the ground before I let anyone take you from me.
I refuse to let you continue to live at the edge of life because of something that could possibly be cured. ”
A powerful emotion constricted my throat. I had to swallow hard a couple of times before I trusted myself enough to speak.
“There are no ifs about it, my dove. I am yours. No one in any universe can ever complete me the way only you can.”
“Then let me take care of what’s mine. Let me take all the steps necessary to fix this,” she said in a slightly pleading tone.
Years of fear and distrust shouted at me to stand my ground and turn down her offer.
But beyond the fact that I genuinely trusted her, I couldn’t continue living this shadow of a life filled with pain.
I owed it to us to try everything possible for a chance at the kind of future my beautiful dove deserved.
“Very well, my Linsea. I will trust you to do what you think is right.”
The emotion that welled within her in response to my words wrecked me.
We weren’t in love with each other, but we might as well have been.
The songs of our souls intertwined in such a beautiful crescendo that it nearly had me in tears.
What I wouldn’t give for her to be able to hear how we harmonized the way I did.
She leaned forward and rubbed her beak against mine.
I reciprocated, my hand gliding in a gentle caress down her back and the length of her slender waist. Her mouth parted, and I instinctively responded in kind, my tongue timidly poking forward before making acquaintance with hers.
A bolt of fire lit in the pit of my stomach as we deepened the kiss.
Her pleasure mingling with mine quickly had me throbbing in a way that I didn’t want to…
at least not so soon. That I clearly perceived her own arousal didn’t help my inner battle for restraint.
With this being her first time coming to my house, I didn’t want to let things go too far so that she wouldn’t wonder if I had brought her here specifically in the hopes of taking advantage of her.
Instead, I broke the kiss and nudged her up.
Although a little confused, she complied while casting an uncertain look my way.
It had to be confusing for her not to be able to feel anything from me as empathic abilities were an intrinsic part of a Temern sensory system.
It would be like losing the ability to see or hear for someone else.
With a vocal command, I activated some soft music, the type I often listened to in order to relax.
The happy smile Linsea gave me was all the confirmation I needed.
I drew her back into my embrace. For the next eternity, we swayed to the music, exchanging tender kisses and gentle caresses as we basked in each other’s presence.
Whatever the cost, I would marry my dove.