Chapter 20
MYA
The day I basically put Christian out of my place brought me to a low I had never experienced. I thought I was protecting myself from pain, anguish, neglect, and trauma, but in actuality, I threw myself into all those emotions headfirst. I cried the rest of the day, allowing myself to purge, thinking I was getting him out of my system. Instead, I’d cried all week. We talked briefly every day, as we had been, but my soul was in turmoil, even more than it had been the previous week.
My heart was scolding me for turning my back on him when he was weak. At first, I took that to mean I was too soft. I always put others before myself, and that was what had me in half the predicaments I was in. I had been trying to overcome that shit for the past couple of years. I’d given my all and got nothing in return. As I looked back over things, I realized it hadn’t been that way with Christian. If anything, he’d given me more than I had given him.
It had been two weeks since I’d seen him, and I felt like I was dying inside. However, I knew he was only respecting my wishes. I told him that I would see him for my next appointment. Despite how my heart felt, I still knew that I should wait until then. He needed the time, and so did I. We dove into things way too fast… or at least I did. I’d just gotten over what Janson’s punk ass had done to me, even though we had no commitment.
We were being irresponsible when we created another life, but I expected him to man up when I told him I was pregnant. It was just as much his fault as it was mine, if not more. He was supposed to pull out… He didn’t. It was like he didn’t even give a fuck if I got pregnant. Like, he had no intention of helping me raise a baby. I didn’t understand how anyone could be so selfish and cold, especially toward their own seed. Had he asked for a paternity test, I would have obliged him with one.
Sitting on my couch with my journal, I wrote about how I was feeling. I did this every day, but I also included a note of encouragement to myself. I was a loner again, and the shit felt weird because it was something I chose, not something I was forced into. I needed the time to discover the things that made me tick, the things that I wanted and needed out of life, and the things I needed to do to accomplish those things.
I needed to be a better person for me before I could be a better person for someone else. That way, if for some reason, they fell off the pedestal I had them on, they wouldn’t take me with them. It wasn’t that Christian fell off the pedestal though. He was still the same man I adored… the same man I loved. I wished I would have told him. Love had healing virtues, and maybe that was what he meant when he said he needed me.
How could I turn my back after he said those words? I was hurting. The statement that hurt people, hurt people was so true in that moment. I couldn’t even see just how much he needed me because of my own pain. Just the fact that I could sit here and understand all the mistakes I made was proof that separation was needed for my own self-reflection.
Give yourself grace. You won’t be perfect, because no one is. You won’t get it all right, because no one does. Love yourself unconditionally without turning your back on those that love and respect you. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean to neglect others. It means not to destroy yourself seeing after others. There’s a fine line between putting yourself first and just being selfish. Get acquainted with it and admit your mistakes to the ones you love.
I closed my journal and placed my hand on my stomach, rubbing it gently. I was already fifteen weeks, and I hated that Christian was missing out on the day to day. While there wasn’t much for him to see right now from my eyes, that may not have been the case for him.
My dad had been calling all week, checking on me as well. Whenever he would ask about Christian, I would change the subject or end the call. He was my dad, so he knew something was going on, but he didn’t push. He knew I would come around in my time and tell him what was going on. I wanted to call him, but instead, I went to my room and packed a small bag. Spending the weekend with him would be good for my soul.
Once I got everything situated, I began making my way to the front door. After I put my laptop bag strap across my body, along with my duffel bag and purse, I put on my shades, grabbed my keys and thermos, and opened the door to see Janson standing there. It was like the little bit of go-go juice I had seeped right out of me at the sight of him.
He glanced down at my stomach, and a slow smile spread across his face. “So you are still pregnant.”
“Not with your baby, jackass. I told you I lost the baby. I had to have emergency surgery and everything, all before my first doctor’s appointment. I have a boyfriend now, and this is his baby.”
“Well, only one way to prove that. I’m gonna need a paternity test.”
“As long as you’re paying for it, I don’t give a fuck. You’ll be wasting your money and your time, along with mine, but if that will get you to leave me the fuck alone, I’m all for it.”
“I don’t know why you acting like I’m being unreasonable. You were pissed that I didn’t jump and run in the beginning, and now that I’m taking initiative, you’re still pissed.”
“You must be a dumb muthafucka if you can’t understand my frustration. I’m telling yo’ ass that I lost the baby… a baby your ass didn’t even want to claim. It’s like you want to do the opposite of whatever I need. When I wanted you to claim the baby, you wouldn’t. Now that I’m pregnant again, you wanna claim this one. We haven’t slept together in almost six months. Don’t you think my stomach would be bigger than this? You just want to make me miserable, but I don’t understand why. Is it because I’m not calling or chasing your ass?”
He slid his hand over his face and chuckled. “Girl, I could care less about you chasing me.”
“It’s couldn’t care less, you ignorant fucker.”
He pushed his way into my apartment, pushing me backward, causing me to stumble and fall on my ass. My immediate thought was my baby. I quickly dropped the straps that dangled on my arm and placed my hands on my belly. The pain that shot up my back sent me into a panic.
“Ooooh my God! Noooo!”
Tears fell from my eyes as I checked between my legs to make sure I wasn’t bleeding. I didn’t see anything, but I was so nervous. Janson stood there with his mouth open. “Oh shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to knock you down.”
“Get out!”
I looked for my phone in my purse to make a call, when another pain shot up my spine. It stilled all movement, causing me to grip my stomach again. My head was spinning, and the only thing I could do was turn to my side and pray while holding my belly. I watched that fucker turn to leave, but when he got to the door, his hands flew up in surrender, and he began backpedaling.
The eyes that met mine only had the tears falling down my cheeks. Not long after, I saw the anger that flooded him, and he knocked Janson on his ass. He dived on top of him and hit him again, knocking him out cold. He immediately grabbed his phone and dialed 9-1-1 as he slid next to me on the floor. The panic in his voice had my heart hurting even more.
“Christian… what are you doing here?”
“I came to see about you, baby. I’m glad I did.”
He rested his hand on my stomach as he kissed my forehead. “Is that Janson?”
“Yes. He pushed his way inside and made me stumble backwards. The weight of the stuff I was carrying pulled me to the floor.”
“Where were you going?”
“To Mesquite to surprise my daddy.”
“You had to know that I wouldn’t be able to go an entire month without seeing you, right? Had his ass not shown up, I would’ve missed you. You would have already been gone.”
I nodded as the pain once again shot up my back. Christian was about to move me, and I yelled, “Don’t! I don’t know what I hurt. It could make it worse if you move me.”
He nodded and glanced over at Janson, who was now stirring. He stood and went to him, blocking my view somewhat. “Why the fuck were you here?” Christian asked.
“She’s pregnant with my baby,” Janson said as he strained to get up.
“Naw, nigga. I met her at the hospital when she lost that baby. The baby she’s carrying now is mine. I will take yo’ punk ass out of here and worry about the consequences later,” Christian said as he pulled a gun from his waistband.
My eyes bucked. “Christian! No!”
“You know I could kill you and get away with it, right?” he said to Janson, completely ignoring me. “You are trespassing and assaulted a pregnant woman. I could blow your fucking brains out without consequence.”
Janson was stuttering all over himself, begging Christian to be cool. “Yo, man. I won’t bother her no more. Please, don’t do this. I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you right. You fucked up. What should I do about that though? I mean, if I kill you, I know you won’t come back. If I let you go, you could try to get revenge later.”
“Man, listen. I swear you won’t see me near her again. Please.”
When I heard the sirens in the distance, my heart started to slow down from the high-speed race it was running. I thought Christian would lower his gun, but he didn’t. I assumed he didn’t want Janson to try to leave. He slowly backed up to me, while Janson sat there with his hands lifted. When the cops knocked on the door, Christian put his gun away and yelled, “Come in!”
The cops entered slowly and looked around to see us all on the floor. “Who’s the homeowner?”
“She is,” Christian said. “She needs an ambulance. He’s the aggressor.”
The other police officer went to Janson as the other approached us. Christian surprised me when he said, “I need you to know I have a weapon. I’m going to lift my hands slowly so you can remove it for now.”
The officer nodded as he put one hand on his weapon. Christian lifted his hands and said, “It’s in my waistband on the left side.”
I noticed the other officer had his weapon drawn, pointing it in our direction. It was legal to carry in Texas without a license, so Christian had done nothing wrong. Actually, it was honest of him to even admit he had it.
“My wallet is in the back pocket on the same side. You’ll find my driver’s license and my license to carry as well,” he said.
Well, there went that. He was licensed in an open-carry state. Good for him. After the officer removed the gun and his wallet, the other officer lowered his weapon and assisted Janson from the floor, removing him from the apartment.
“You can stand if you would like to, sir,” the officer said to Christian.
“No, sir. I’ll get up once the ambulance gets here.”
He stared back at me and lowered his hand back to my stomach, rubbing it in circles. “Christian, can you check to see if you see any blood?”
He tore his gaze away from mine and looked down. “No. I don’t see anything, baby.” He lifted his gaze back to mine. “You were right. I’m sorry.”
I lowered my head for a moment. “No. I turned my back on you because of my own trauma. I’m sorry. You said you needed me, and I still made you leave.”
I broke down in tears, and he quickly swiped them away. “No, I get it. If you weren’t strong enough to handle my brokenness, you did what you needed to do for you and our baby. Your well-being is important to me, baby. I’m still working on some things, but I knew I needed to come check on you. I miss you, girl.”
“I missed you too.”
He kissed my lips as the paramedics came through the door. Thankfully, they had a board with them. I was so scared. Christian stood and stepped out of their way as he spoke to the officer. I knew the officer didn’t want to pressure me too much about what happened, and since I wasn’t in a life-or-death situation, it could wait.
“Ma’am, what’s hurting?”
“My lower back is throbbing, but I keep feeling a sharp pain go up my spine.”
“Okay. We’re going to put this board here behind you and roll you back to your back. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Most likely, you’re probably experiencing anxiety, but we are going to get you to the hospital for them to rule out everything else and to check the baby.”
I nodded slightly, then they rolled me to my back. I cupped my stomach in a protective manner, still praying that everything was okay as they strapped me to it. I glanced up to see Christian still talking to the cop but staring at me. He gave me a wink and a slight smile, easing my nerves a bit.
Once they lifted me, Christian grabbed my purse and keys from the floor. Shit! I hoped my laptop wasn’t broken. I think I fell on top of it. That may have been why I was hurting so badly. Thankfully, I had a Microsoft account that saved all my work to OneDrive, where I could log in and access it from any computer.
Once outside the door and down the stairs, they lowered me to a gurney. I noticed Janson sitting in the back of the cop car, staring at me, sadness filling his gaze. That shit wasn’t remorse for what he did to me though. I believed it was regret for not leaving when I told him to.
“Mya, I’m gonna follow behind the ambulance. Okay?”
I nodded as Christian leaned over and kissed my head. I was so grateful he showed up when he did. Janson was going to leave my ass on the floor. Had I been severely injured, it would have really been bad. He would have left me to die.
The paramedics got me in the ambulance, and one stayed in the back with me while the other went to the front to drive. He started an IV and made small talk. Once he asked what happened, my floodgates opened all over again, and the pain spiked. My blood pressure was through the roof at that point.
He pushed something through the IV he’d started a minute ago, and I started to calm down almost immediately. “What was that?”
“It was a very low dose of Midazolam. High doses and long-term usage can affect the baby. Since this is a one-time usage, the risk is minimal. Anxiety attacks can definitely affect your baby though. Be sure to breathe deeply, and try your best to stay calm. I’m sorry I brought it up. If it continues to happen, I’m sure your doctor will recommend things you can do to naturally help with that.”
“Thank you.”
My eyes started getting heavy, so I knew it was about to knock me out. My tolerance was shit when it came to pain medications. I glanced at the paramedic and smiled. That was the last thing I remembered before that medicine guided me to dreamland.