Twenty-Five
H ouse arrest sucked. Big time. What sucked worse was that my phone had been taken from me at some point over the night, and they hadn’t returned it. I needed it back, because regardless of what Reacher said, I had to speak to Lissa. I had to make sure she was okay. I couldn’t believe I’d managed to lose her the job she loved so much, that I’d deprived other people like me of her support and care.
I needed to speak to her, like I needed to fucking breathe. Reacher should have been able to understand how I felt, but he was too blinded by his anger to see it.
Someone pounded on my door, and I yelled out for them to fuck off. This happened two more times, before I stormed over there to pull the door open, releasing the lock first.
“What the fuck do you want?” I glared at Has-Been, as he glared right back.
“I know you’re a cranky little shit, but you’re gonna want to talk to me. Privately.” He glanced at the two prospects guarding the door as he spoke.
I debated punching him, but honestly, I didn’t have the energy so I shrugged, and walked away from the door, hearing it close behind me.
“You need to tone down the welcome, mate. It’s just me. Stop gushing.” Despite everything, I smirked, but I wiped it from my face before I turned to look at him.
“I’d offer you a coffee, but I don’t really want to.”
He barked a laugh and shook his head slowly.
“I won’t be staying that long, don’t worry your little head. I have news though and you’re gonna want to hear it.”
He wasn’t going to leave until he’d said his piece. That much was obvious.
“Sit down if you must.”
He did, and then he sighed.
“Okay, I guess this is as welcoming as you’re gonna get. Ice, I’ve been to see your doctor lady.”
What the fuck! My fists clenched as I approached him, and he groaned, holding up a hand.
“That wasn’t some invite for you to go neanderthal on me, man. I’m trying to tell you that I took her home last night, after Reacher threw her out. She was a mess. Fucking devastated. And that was before Reacher got her fired. I just saw her again, and she’s broken. She’s lost everything.”
I dropped into the chair opposite him.
“I’ve ruined her fucking life. What a great way to say thanks for trying to help me.”
Has leaned his elbows on his knees, giving me a serious look.
“I’ve got her number. Do you want to talk to her? I know your phone got destroyed last night, but you can use mine.”
“Destroyed?”
“Yeah, Micro remembers spotting it on the floor seconds before that shit shack went up in flames. Nobody could grab it in time. Must have fallen out of your pocket when you passed out.”
Fuck. So nobody confiscated it. It was fucking melted in a fire.
“Wait. You guys burned down Mitch’s place?”
He shot me a withering look.
“The place was disgusting. Full of fucking people off their faces. We dragged them out, and torched the place. Well… you know, Torch did. Some of them fought back, but it didn’t do them any good.”
“Why are you helping me?”
Has-Been sighed, tapping his fingers on his thigh.
“It seemed like she was helping you, until, you know… the literal shitshow last night, and she was heartbroken, man. I can’t handle seeing a woman that upset. You’d know that about me if you’d ever tried to get to know me. I’m all for helping love find a way.”
“Love?” I felt something, but it wasn’t the panic I’d expected to feel, as a follow-up to that word. Warmth. I felt warm inside. What the fuck… I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
Has was watching me. “So do you want to, or not?”
I stared at him for a moment, taking that long to catch on to his point.
“Oh… yeah, if… uh… that’d be good, thanks man.”
He nodded, digging his phone out of the front pocket of his cut.
“I’m gonna go grab a couple of coffees from downstairs, to give you some privacy. How do you drink it?”
It was sad to think that we’d been ‘brothers’ for almost a decade, and didn’t know the simple things about each other. He was right that I’d never taken the time. Was that really all on me? Had he been trying, and I’d pushed him away? And if so, what the fuck for? I told him my coffee order, and he grinned, shoving the phone at me.
“Take your time. I have a feeling I’m gonna get delayed down there for at least twenty minutes.”
He reached the door before he turned back.
“If you’re gonna jerk off though, can you try not to spunk on my phone?”
I flipped him off as he left, but I was laughing. How the fuck I was laughing, with all that had gone wrong, I had no idea.
I stared at the phone for a good five minutes, trying to gather up the courage to call her. To speak to her. To risk her anger, and her pain, and maybe even the words ‘go to hell’. What could I offer her really? Not a future. Not any kind of financial support, or probably even adequate emotional support. I thought back to before I fucked things up. How it felt to have her in my arms, to comfort her as she cried. I could at least offer that, right?
I found her name in Has’s phone, which he’d removed the passcode from, if he even used one, like he knew I’d dither long enough for the phone to lock.
“Has-Been?” Lissa’s voice was soft, and kinda breathy, which rubbed me the wrong way immediately. What the fuck had they been up to that left her answering a call to him like that? She sounded all sultry and fucking horny.
“Sorry to burst your bubble, darlin’. It’s only me.”
She let out a gasp, and then there was a little sniffle.
“Oh god, Ice. Are you okay? I was so worried.”
Was she crying? “Yeah… I’m okay… still, would you rather be talking to Has? I can get him back if that’s what you want.”
She sniffled again, but her response was shaky, quiet.
“Why would I want him? I’ve been trying to get up the courage to call you, but I couldn’t. I messed everything up.”
The hell? I started pacing the room, because honestly, it just feels better to move when I’m on the phone.
“What did you mess up? Everything that went wrong with us, that’s on me. I’m a fucking disease, and I fuck up everything I touch. I never should have touched you, because you didn’t deserve to lose everything. Reacher shouldn’t have done what he did.”
She sniffled again. “Maybe he was right. How can I possibly expect anyone to take advice from me, when I’ve managed to fuck up my own life so epically?”
Jesus. This was harder than I’d expected. She should be in my fucking arms, where I could soothe her pain, and sadness.
“Let me talk to Reacher, see if we can get him to retract what he said. That it’s not true.” It was a dumb idea, and she clearly agreed. I just had no other answers.
Lissa
“ I appreciate that, Ice, but the part that was enough to lose me my job was the mistake I made by driving under the influence. He can’t say that part wasn’t true. It is true, and it can be easily verified. I made a stupid mistake that cost me my career. Sure I blamed him, and I cursed his name a lot, but they’d have found out eventually. I probably should have told them myself. I’m not making my best decisions right now, clearly.”
He fell silent, and I wondered if he’d gone, or the call had dropped.
“Ice?”
I heard him take a breath, but he didn’t speak immediately. I was just about to prompt him again, when he finally replied.
“Well, I’m sorry to be one of those bad decisions, doc. Let me help you out by fixing that one.” The call ended abruptly, while I stared at the phone in horror. What the hell just happened? He hung up on me? Oh no, he fucking didn’t!
I called him back, and he actually answered.
“Stop making bad decisions, darlin’. Ringing me back is a mistake.” The call ended again. Bastard!
I called again, and he let it ring a few times this time.
“I’m serious. Don’t call again. This is me helping you sort your shit out. Get your life back together. No more of me fucking it up for you.”
He hung up again, and this time my attempt to call him back was ignored. I tried texting back but it was ignored for so long that I gave up waiting for a response, and decided that working my way through my wine collection was the best plan for the rest of my day.
Finally, my phone pinged.
Has-Been: Sorry, love. I tried to talk him into calling you again, but he’s being a stubborn asshole.
Ice had clearly given the phone back to him, but why wasn’t he using his own?
Me: I’ve noticed that about him. Thanks for trying. I can’t keep chasing someone who doesn’t want me.
I held back the words I wanted to add… ‘because nobody ever did’. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel that, so deeply that I could scream. I just didn’t want the wrong attention from the man. Or would it be the right attention, but still the wrong man.
I finished another glass of wine, idly pondering the lack of food in my stomach.
Has-Been: Want me to punch him?
I giggled at the thought. Why would I want that? And did I? A tiny part of me almost wanted to say yes, because he’d hurt me. He’d rejected me, after I literally lost everything for trying to be with him.
Has-Been: Kick him in the nuts?
Has-Been: Twice?
A full laugh surprised me. It must have been a combination of the wine and Has-Been’s attempts to cheer me up.
Me: Three times?
It was just nice to have someone want to actually spend time with me, even if it was only the occasional silly text message from a man I barely knew.
Has-Been: Consider it done. And don’t give up on him. He’s a dickhead, but I think he really likes you. I’ll knock some sense into him for you.
I giggled again, and wondered why the hell I was chatting with Has-Been, when the man I really wanted was his brother.