Twenty-Six
S pending time with Has-Been had been weird, but not necessarily unpleasant. Yet again I wondered why the fuck we hated each other. Sure he was a smug asshole, but weren’t all of us at times?
I banged on Reacher’s office door.
“Yeah?”
I poked my head inside. “Got a minute, Pres?”
He shrugged, setting aside his phone.
“Depends on what you’re gonna yell at me for today.”
I grinned as I sat down.
“Me? Yell at my Club President? Doesn’t sound like me, man.”
His lips twitched a bit. I guess that’s as much of a smile as I’m gonna get from him.
“So what do you want?”
I leaned back in my seat.
“Something to do. I’m going out of my tiny little mind up there. Also, the prospects tailing me all over the fucking place? Getting kinda old.”
Reacher looked just as fed up as I felt.
“And if I could guarantee that you won’t go back to using, I’d give them a break, but let’s be honest here. You’re not feeling it yet, but pretty soon you’re gonna be fucking desperate for more coke, and I’ll do anything in my power to make sure you don’t find any.”
I nodded. “I get that. I’m trying, Pres. I really am. Giving me something to do is the best way to stop me going that route. When I’m just sitting up there, it’s all I can think about. Well, that and Lissa. Keep me busy, please, I’m begging you.”
He rifled through some papers on his desk.
“There is actually something you could help with, but you gotta understand, brother. I have so much shit going on right now, that I could really fucking do without another meltdown coming from you. I want you back on the inside, but you’re gonna have to prove that you’re with us.”
“I am. I really fucking am. Look, I fucked up, and by fucking up, I also fucked the woman I was falling for, and not in the way I was really desperate to. You know we never got that far. I want her though, Reacher. I want her like I want to fucking breathe, so if I have to prove myself to you, before you’ll trust her around me again, then that’s what I’ll do.”
He handed me the papers.
“This is one of Rossi’s guys. I… I have my suspicions about something he’s involved in, and I want hard evidence, before I take it to Rossi. I don’t want him anywhere near my fucking people until I know for sure, especially our old ladies. I think he’s working both sides.”
I looked at the pages he’d handed me. A copy of the guy’s ID, and some notes on places he’d been seen.
“Links to the cartel?”
He shrugged. “I hope not. But that last hit we did? Seems we missed two vital fuckers who are trying to set up again. I think they were tipped off, and none of our guys would have done it, so it has to be one of his. This guy… I dunno. There’s something off about him. You know how it is, I can’t go to Rossi and say ‘your guy’s dirty’ unless I know for a fact he is. For all I know, this could be a fucking family member, once removed, or some shit.”
I nodded. “Who got you this much?”
Reacher grinned. “Let’s just say that one of our members has developed some rather light fingered skills, and I really wanna nurture that fucking skill. He took his ID and slipped it back to him once we got a pic.”
“Nice. I take it I’m being kept out of the loop on who that is too?”
He rubbed his face.
“For now. It’s not just you. I’m not telling anyone. You know how the guys are, they know we have a pickpocket among us, and next thing he’s gonna get blamed for every damn thing that goes missing.”
That was a fair point. “I’ll get right to work. Guessing I can’t convince you to let me take my setup back to my room?”
Reacher shook his head firmly. “Non-negotiable, brother. Makes me a pussy to say it, I’m sure, but you need space from the work you do. We’re not failing you again like we did before.”
I stood up, heading for the door, stopping with my hand on the handle.
“Reacher, you and the guys… you’re the only real family I’ve ever had. If anyone failed anyone, it was me failing you. It’s not gonna happen again, I swear.”
I meant every fucking word. First, I’d get my place back in the club, and then I’d get my old lady by my side where she fucking belonged. If I could convince her to give in to her feelings for me.
Lissa
M y first day waking up, unemployed and alone, was a nightmare I wished I could wake from. I had literally nothing to fill my day, and it loomed ahead, long and unbearably empty.
“I’m such an idiot.”
I forced myself to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed, although I just threw on a pair of tailored shorts, and a smart sleeveless top. My entire wardrobe was so smart, and businessy, and responsible. What a pity I hadn’t even measured up to the clothes I wore. And now they seemed so wrong, because what right did I have to dress that way, when I’d thrown everything away for a stupid mistake. Not Ice. Never Ice. He was the one thing in my recent life that made it worth waking up. But that damn drinking and driving incident. Had I really been so far gone over him that I’d put aside all of my common sense that night?
When my phone buzzed, I lunged for it, praying for something, anything to focus on, instead of the nothingness my life consisted of.
Cammy: Babe, meet me for a drink tonight. You need to talk to me, and I can just picture you sitting there, stewing over that bitch. Don’t do that to yourself.
She knew me terrifyingly well.
Me: I’m just not sure I’m in a company mood right now. Sorry x
The phone rang a moment later.
“Don’t give me that crap. I’m not company. I’m the closest thing you have to a best friend. So meet me for a drink, or I’ll be on your doorstep with wine at five thirty.”
I actually smiled. Thank god for Cammy.
“Wine is what got me into this mess, Cammy.”
She fell silent for a moment. “I’m such a bell-end. Okay, I’m bringing coffee, and muffins or something equally sweet and naughty.” Sweet and naughty. That made me think of Ice. Of his many sides. His many faces. He was so much more than he realised.
“Actually, you know what? I’m due an afternoon off, and it’s dead after 2pm. I’m coming to you as early as I can. So get that look off your face, and I’ll see you in a few hours.” A few hours? Wow. I’d slept in until almost eleven in the morning. I’d never done that before. Was it because I’d been awake until nearly four? Intermittently crying and wishing I’d die in my sleep?
I killed some time until she showed up, and she took one look at me and dragged me into a tight hug, her perfume wafting around us. Lily of the Valley. So pretty, and so her.
True to her word, she brought the biggest lattes possible with her, and a bag of muffins and cakes from the coffee shop. And that was something that hit me hard. With no salary, even a coffee shop treat was a luxury. I hadn’t realised just how much I relied on my better than average salary, to enjoy the nicer things in life. It was the one and only reason I’d worked for a private clinic, instead of a government funded one. Big mistake.
“So… tell me what happened.” We were sitting on my sofa, our legs curled under us, coffee on the table beside us, and sweet treats in hand. I was picking off small bites of blueberry muffin and enjoying every bite.
“It’s a mess, Cammy. I’m such an idiot.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.” She giggled. “Just kidding, but talk. You know it helps, because it’s what you do for others.” Damn. She had me there.
“I’m falling in love with Ice.”
She frowned, swapping her half-eaten cake for her coffee.
“The biker guy? He’s the only new one you’ve seen lately who seemed even remotely attractive.” Remotely attractive? He was fucking god-like.
“Yeah. He’s so… I mean, he has a lot of anger, and pain, but when he lets me in? My god… he’s the most amazing person. So sweet, and gentle, and intense. I… I can’t help but want him, and I know it’s wrong. So fucking wrong.”
Cammy sipped her latte. “So… you were fired for that? I thought you were fired for something else? A police matter?”
I wondered what the hell that bitch had told her.
“I got in a little deep with Ice. I was worried about him, and drove to the clubhouse, but I’d been drinking. I shouldn’t have driven, but I was an idiot. I got caught.”
Cammy watched me, her eyes wide.
“You… I don’t know what to say… was this before or after you guys started shagging?”
I didn’t want to betray Ice’s issues, or what happened, but I wanted to talk it all out.
“We haven’t. We almost did, but the timing was off. Uh… he got upset, and went back to his dealer.”
Cammy gasped out loud this time.
“He used?”
I nodded, feeling like the biggest failure in the history of rehab counsellors.
“He was found unconscious and bleeding heavily from his nose.”
“Coke?”
I nodded again, but stayed silent.
“Babe… you can’t blame yourself for that. He’s addicted. We know how often they slip up and use again. It’s not your fault. Remember that these people are always just one bad decision away from falling back into the hold of their addiction.”
I sighed, taking a moment to drink some of my coffee, relishing the taste that I’d miss when I couldn’t afford it anymore.
“I feel like I could have stopped him. If I could have just talked to him, but he was… anyway, it… he’s better off without me. Another therapist can do a better job, especially without there being feelings getting in the way.” Unless he was just the kind of guy that women fell for. Was that why I started falling so fast?
“Lissa?”
“Yeah?”
“I asked what you’re going to do next. I think you’re right that coming back isn’t going to work, even if the bitchqueen revokes her decision. She’d never leave you alone. She’d be micro-managing you to death.”
Unfortunately she was right, and that only left one decision for me for now, and it was going to hurt.
“I’ll have to go home. To my parents. To my old life. I’ll have to start again from scratch. Maybe if I’m really lucky, this cockup won’t follow me there.”
“You’re going back to London?”
She looked gutted, and I felt that intensely too. If I left, I’d never see Ice again. London might only be about fifty miles away, but it felt like another world. Another country. Fifty miles felt like the other end of the world, because I knew it’d be the end of us. Not that there even was an ‘us’ to worry about. He’d made that clear, hadn’t he?