31. Lyssa #2
The way Benji responds, sinking just as deeply into it as I do, feels like a personal victory. Mine, my body screams. I’m wearing his jersey, I’m kissing his beautiful lips, and I don’t want it to end. I love this. I love…
“What was that for?” he asks when we both come up for air.
I love…the words feel loose on my tongue, driven forward by alcohol and emotion. Benji’i face looks light, expectant
It would be so easy to say. And to mean it.
But so, so hard to take back.
I’m saved from having to answer as Andi bounds up, Grant and Bella in tow. “Hey, you two lovebirds!” she coos, then looks at Benji. “No drink in your hand? You must not be taking this pre-Christmas celebration seriously enough.” She cuts a glance at Grant. “You should get your captain a drink.”
Grant smirks. “Want anything?” he asks Bella.
She shakes her head, looking pointedly at Ryan. "There are about two drinks closing the gap between my drunk and his, and I don't want to be there."
Grant laughs and looks at me in question. When I shake my head too, he salutes and slides off toward the bar.
“So what’s your plan for Christmas, Benji?” Andi asks.
He shifts so that we’re both facing her and Bella, and slings a casual arm over my shoulder. I surprise myself when I lean into it, and Andi beams at the sight.
“Just my normal Christmas with family,” he replies. “You?”
She shrugs. “Same. Bella?”
“My dad and I have some fun traditions,” Bella says with a smile. “I’m also just enjoying the break from school, so I’ll be sleeping in.”
Andi groans. “Christ, I always forget you’re practically an infant.”
“Shut up!” Bella shoves her good-naturedly. “What about you, Lisa?”
I’m momentarily caught off-guard. “Um, I don’t have any plans.”
They gaze at me – Bella in surprise, Andi in sympathy – and I feel my face flush. Is this what every holiday is going to be like? Andi opens her mouth, presumably to invite me to her place, when Benji cuts in.
“I’d love it if you’d come to my Christmas.”
I step away and blink up at him, searching for any signs of pity or regret. But his face is entirely earnest; hopeful, even. “You would?”
He nods. “I know it’s only been a couple weeks, and Thanksgiving was a bit much, but so much has changed, and –” he clears his throat, shifting on his feet. “I just…if you want to, I’d love it. If you came with me.”
I open and close my mouth, unsure what to say.
I want to be excited by the offer, and he’s right.
Since Thanksgiving, we’ve begun an actual relationship.
The last few weeks together have been phenomenal.
But the second I think about what could be a fun time with Benji, another family comes to mind – one that I had lost myself in, claiming as my own.
What had been a replacement for all I’d lost became something I lost all over again.
Because of him, because of me, the illusion shattered the day I left.
Home. I want one here, and this feels like another step to making it one. But is it really home if the second you settle down, all you feel are the walls closing in?
I’m suddenly aware that Andi and Bella are witnessing this, and I haven’t answered him. I go for the safest option in the moment. “Yeah, I’ll think about it.”
Benji smiles, but it’s a smile tinged with sadness. I want to pull him away, maybe try to explain myself, but Grant comes barreling back at that exact moment, no drinks in hand.
“Dude,” he pants. “Ryan is spewing and we need someone to help get him home.”
Bella rolls her eyes and whispers a quiet called it. Andi smothers a laugh behind her hand. Benji groans. “Why can’t you handle it?” he asks.
“You know me! If you puke –” he gags and clasps a hand over his mouth for a moment before continuing. “– I’ll puke.”
“Fucking unreal,” Benji mutters with a shake of his head. Then, he looks from me to the girls. “You all good to make it home together?”
“Yeah,” I say, the conversation having sobered me up significantly. I’m ready to get home and curl up with Winny. “I’m probably gonna head back now.”
Andi and Bella voice their agreement, and as we all shuffle to the door to wait for the rideshare, Andi nudges me. “You okay?”
I nod. “It’s just…Christmas is a big step, is all. I’m not sure about it yet.”
Bella leans against the wall and studies us, like we’re a question she hasn’t quite figured out the answer to yet. “Benji seems like a great guy. What’s the holdup?”
“Baggage, kiddo,” Andi says. “Sometimes you can meet a great guy, but it’s after quite a few shitty ones.”
Bella frowns. “I hope I never have to deal with a shitty guy. First bad thing he does, I’d kick his ass to the curb.”
Andi tenses and glances at me, waiting for the blow to hit. And yes, it does hit a sore spot – I can’t count how many times have I heard someone say in passing, I could never let a man treat me that way – but it’s Bella, and I know she means well.
So I just say, “There are a lot of ways to end up in a shitty situation without even realizing it until you’re in too deep. And not everyone can kick ass the way you do, Bella.”
She flushes and ducks her head. "Sorry, that was probably a stupid thing to say," she mumbles.
"I've just had too much to drink." I gather her into a hug.
The last thing I want is to make her feel bad for her questions.
She's young, and I really do hope she’d never have to deal with any of the things Andi and I have been through.
"Sometimes, you fall in love with a man and build a life as equals, and that’s fucking amazing. Other times, you lose yourself in a man.” I pause and sigh. “And some men…well, some, you’re lucky if you simply survive them.”