Chapter 13
VIVIAN
The Next Day—Thanksgiving
Confusion—that’s what plagued my mind last night as I lay awake, my thoughts racing in a million different directions, replaying the evening. What was I thinking, playing with fire like that? Dangling our friendship by a thread. I got up early to work, knowing sleep wouldn’t come anyway.
I’ve been sitting in my home office for hours, staring at blueprints, trying to focus but making no progress. The lines blur together as my mind drifts back to Leo and Ben. It’s Thanksgiving today, my second one without Ben. Last year, I was a complete mess, barely getting through the day. This year, I’m not around family or my long-time friends, and though I’ve had more time to heal, I’m worried about handling the emotions, especially with my conflicted feelings and thoughts about last night. It’s almost noon. I give up, leaving the blueprints on my desk to get ready for Michael and Stella’s.
I head downstairs to the parking garage to meet Leo, my thoughts spinning. What do I say? How do I act? I don’t want it to be awkward, but I can’t ignore the tension from last night. I can’t ignore the fact that I sat on Leo’s lap, grinding against him while we made out—his tongue in my mouth, his hands tracing up and down my body. A knot tightens in my stomach just thinking about it .
God, I like him so much. He’s my friend, and there’s a connection and undeniable attraction between us. But deep down, I know we don’t want the same things. Hell, was I really willing to risk everything on the slim chance that he might change his mind for me?
My thoughts linger on our brief make-out session. Wow. His lips, his hands on me, his body. He’s an incredibly good kisser. I’ve made-out with a few guys over the past year, but those encounters ended in disappointment. The emotional connection wasn’t there, or they lacked the patience I needed. Some moments were nice, but nothing compared to last night. I haven’t felt such a mix of excitement, nerves, and attraction since high school with Ben—the feeling of newness and anticipation.
I know he enjoyed it—he was hard as hell—but I can’t shake this feeling that it meant a lot more to me than it did to him. Maybe I’m just another one of his Saturday nights… except those usually end in sex for Leo. It might’ve just been kissing, but for me, it was everything. It felt so damn right, and I was so turned on, I didn’t want to stop. That’s a huge win for me. Why did he stop? Was he really afraid of ruining our friendship, or did he think I couldn’t handle more? Or was it something else? Did he think I’d reject him, and that’s why he pulled away before it went further?
“Hey, Viv.” My thoughts are interrupted as I approach Leo’s parking spot. I’ll follow his lead. He’s confident, mature, and I trust him to handle this normally. He embraces me with a hug, but doesn’t linger too long. Short and sweet, almost like before.
We get into his BMW and head to Michael and Stella’s in Evanston. We drive in awkward silence for a few minutes before Leo clears his throat. “It doesn’t have to be awkward, Viv. We had a glass of wine, watched a movie, and made out for a bit. No big deal.”
No big deal.
Easy for him to say. Now I know how he feels about it—just another make-out.
Leo glances over at me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yeah, maybe later,” I say, waving it off, trying to keep my voice steady. “I’m already nervous enough with this being my first Thanksgiving away from home. Let’s just focus on getting through today. We can talk later, maybe on the way home tonight.”
He nods, seeming to understand. “Yeah, of course. We’ll talk later.” He grabs my hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “I know you don’t have your usual support system, but I hope you know that I’m here for you. It’s not the same, I get that, but I’m here. If you need a break, just say the word. Do we need a code word for ‘get me the hell out of here?’ ” A smile spreads across his face.
I smile in return. I don’t know how he does it, but he has a way of making everything better. For a brief moment, I really do feel like it’s going to be okay. “Yes, we definitely need a code word. Should it be a Thanksgiving word or something completely random?”
“A Thanksgiving word is obviously less noticeable. You know, cranberries, gravy, stuffing… or maybe we go for a random, inappropriate word like titty, dildo, boner… or bang! I know you have a special attachment to bang.”
I laugh. I can’t help it. “Oh, it’s definitely dildo!” I exclaim, keeping my tone as serious as possible. “I can’t wait to find a way to slip ‘dildo’ into the conversation at dinner. ‘Stella, can you please pass the gravy? By the way, I have an incredible new dildo I just bought on Amazon. I can send the link to anyone who’s interested.’ ”
Leo laughs and kisses the top of my hand. “We got this, love,” he assures me, letting go of my hand and returning it to the steering wheel. And I believe him.
I change the subject, keeping it casual. “I feel bad not bringing anything for dinner.”
“Don’t worry about it. Michael’s a top chef. He’s got it covered. Your bottle of wine is more than enough.”
We pull up to Michael and Stella’s, the last to arrive. Their home is beautiful, a two-story with two front porches that wrap around either side. It’s Michael, Stella, their two kids, Stella’s parents, Meredith, and her wife, Piper, whom I haven’t met yet. Stella welcomes us inside and introduces me to her parents and Piper in the kitchen .
The kitchen is a dream. Truly designed for a chef—a culinary haven with handcrafted cabinetry, Wolf appliances, and an extra-large island with quartz countertops and backsplash. It opens up to a spacious living room with ample windows for natural light and a two-story fireplace tiled all the way up. I admire the fine craftsmanship and design, finding myself wanting a tour of the rest of the house.
Soft background music plays, mingling with the sounds of kids playing nearby and the voices in the kitchen. It smells incredible, and I can’t wait to try Michael’s take on Thanksgiving dinner. The sounds and smells remind me of home. As I look around at the faces, some new and some familiar, I realize that today is going to be fine. I’m going to be fine.
We’re all in the kitchen making small talk. I’m getting to know Piper, while Leo and Meredith are in a corner, deep in conversation. Stella is laughing with Michael as he oversees all the cooking that she is helping with. I instantly like Piper. I find myself laughing with her easily, as if we are old friends. It’s fun to finally meet Meredith’s other half, and I can see why they mesh so well.
After a couple of hours of socializing, appetizers, and drinks, we take our seats at the table, which has been elegantly decorated for the holiday. Our conversation is light and fun as we dish up our plates. I sit between Leo and Stella’s mother. As I spoon cranberries onto my turkey, Leo leans over and whispers, “Do you need your dildo?” he asks teasingly, drawing a smile from me.
I lean my head close to his. “I mean, always,” I retort, “but not right now.” I pat his thigh, a silent thank you for checking in on me. A surge of emotion overcomes me, and I’m suddenly worried that I might cry. It’s a mix of gratitude for him and the emptiness I’m trying to fill inside. I fight back the tears and breathe deeply, gaining control.
The rest of dinner is great. Stella’s dad is hilarious and inappropriate in the best way. He tells funny stories and dirty jokes that make her mom blush with embarrassment. I really like these people.
After dinner, we all help clean up. I’m in the middle of washing dishes when Leo stands behind me, gripping my shoulders to take my place. He nods toward Meredith, who’s sitting at the table with Stella. “I’ve got this, why don’t you go have a chat and relax.”
God, he really is great.
“You sure? I’m happy to finish.”
“I insist. Go relax.” He scoots me out of the way, and I can’t help but think about what a great partner in life he would be, just like Ben was. I force that thought from my mind, as it’s a moot point, and join Meredith and Stella. They immediately include me in their conversation about their December holiday plans. This is something I’m genuinely interested in, knowing I’m going to miss some of my favorite holiday activities and traditions this year, not being in Utah until later in December. Stella tells us that they take the kids every year to a light show and this year’s will be at the botanical gardens. Meredith tells me about the Christkindlmarket downtown, which piques my interest. I love the one in Utah and have gone the past few years.
“You’ll have to get Leo to take you. It’s fun, and a great Christmas market! The spiced wine is to die for.” Meredith lights up with excitement as she tells me about some vendors and different food creations there.
Stella turns to me, “Speaking of Leo, what’s the deal with you two?” She asks as she nods to where Leo is doing the dishes.
“What do you mean?” I ask, feigning ignorance.
“Oh, come on. There’s nothing going on between you two? You know, more than friends? It just seems like there’s maybe… something more, you know?” I notice Meredith out of the corner of my eye, watching cautiously.
“You think?” I ask, scrunching my face. “No, we’re just friends. I mean, we have a flirtatious relationship for sure… but just friends.” I can tell my answer doesn’t convince Meredith, but Stella seems to buy it.
“Ah, okay… damn. I had a bet going with Michael that you two were secretly more than friends. I swear, the way he looks at you, I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that… I’ve actually never seen him with any woman more than two or three times, except you, Mer, but you don’t count.” She laughs as she shrugs. “Guess I owe Michael a blowjob.”
Meredith interjects, “Oh, come on, Stell. You know Leo—he never lets things go beyond friendship.” Hearing Meredith confirm that reality makes my heart sink. I glance over at Leo, who is still at the sink, oblivious to our conversation. He looks sexy doing the dishes, and the weight of Meredith’s words settle heavily on me. I force a smile as I nod along to their banter.
The rest of the night goes perfectly. After cleaning up dinner, we linger around the table, immersed in conversation and laughter. It feels like being with old friends, and I savor every moment of that easy, familiar comfort. As we ready to leave, I’m overwhelmed with a sense of peace and gratitude that I could spend a holiday I expected to be difficult, away from home, with genuine, caring people.
Leo and I grab our coats and say our goodbyes to everyone. As we walk toward the car, my heart begins to race.
I click my seatbelt into the buckle and find myself torn. Part of me wants so badly to talk to him, to set boundaries and define what we are to each other so that there is no more confusion and conflicting emotions. The other part of me wants him to pull me into the back seat and fuck me. I glance at Leo, wondering if he can sense the turmoil within me.
Leo pulls out into the road and we both start saying something at the same time, making us laugh.
“You go,” he says.
“I was just going to say that I had a really great time. Thank you for inviting me to your Thanksgiving and for making this day not only bearable but enjoyable.” My voice cracks. Goddammit. “You have no idea what this day has done for me, knowing that I can have some normalcy during a holiday. It’s a huge stride for me.” I look at him tenderly, “Seriously, Leo. Thank you so much for everything.”
“Anytime. You know you’re one of my closest friends. I’d do anything for you… I hope you know that.”
I form a slight smile as I blink back the moisture pooling in my eyes. “I do. And I feel the same way. You’re my very best friend here in Chicago, and after last night….” I pause, choking back the tears threatening to fall. “I don’t want to lose your friendship.” I guess I’m starting the uncomfortable conversation .
“Look… Viv, I know this is difficult. No one wants to have this kind of chat; it’s uncomfortable and hard. If I didn’t care about you so much, it wouldn’t be worth having, but I do. I care about you… a lot. So I think it’s crucial for us to talk about what happened last night.”
I nod, knowing he’s right.
He continues, “I’m very attracted to you, that’s no secret. From the moment I saw you running past my house to now, my attraction has only grown stronger. And I doubt that will ever go away. You’re an incredible woman, and goddamn, you can kiss!” He flashes a smirk. “I’d never want you to think I didn’t enjoy last night. It was fucking incredible.” He pauses briefly, earning a smile from me. “But I also know we want different things in life. And I respect you enough to admit I can’t give you what you deserve. I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness or complicate your life in any way.”
He stops talking and waits for me to respond, as if I know what the fuck to say to that. It feels like an impossible situation, and I find myself not wanting to deal with it, leaving the elephant in the room and tiptoeing around it—that might be easier.
He glances in my direction, silently urging me to speak.
I take a moment to gather my thoughts. “Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate it. I’m obviously attracted to you too, and I value our friendship.” I pause, choosing my words carefully. “I know you don’t want a relationship. Last night wasn’t about that. It was just lust, a moment with someone I’m attracted to and feel comfortable with—something I haven’t felt in a long time. Honestly, I know we should set boundaries, and define our friendship, but I just don’t want to. I like how things are. I have fun with you, I trust you, and I like our dynamic.”
I take a deep breath, my voice steady but vulnerable. “Pushing the boundaries of our friendship last night had more to do with me than with you. Since Ben died, I’ve struggled with getting close to anyone. But with you, I felt safe enough to push past those walls, to see if I could move beyond the guilt and fear that’s held me back. I’m sorry for crossing a line; I won’t do it again. But I didn’t do it with the intent of snagging a boyfriend… I’m not that naive. ”
I sigh deeply and lean my head back against the headrest, closing my eyes for a moment. “I just don’t want things to change between us. I know that’s taking the easy way out, avoiding the problem, but can we pretend this never happened and go back to how things were?” I open my eyes and look at him, hoping he understands and feels the same way.
Leo glances at me, his expression softening with understanding. We reach a red light, and the quiet sound of the car fills the space between us.
“Hey, I get it. I don’t want things to change between us either. But pretending nothing happened isn’t realistic. We both know the attraction is too strong to ignore.”
The light turns green, and we continue driving. As the river comes into view, he pulls into the parking garage and parks the car. Leo turns to me, his eyes earnest. “I’m worried that if we keep sitting close and touching, even if it’s just friendly, it’ll be too hard to avoid crossing that line again. It’s not about setting boundaries to define our friendship, it’s about protecting it. We can’t have any wandering hands. I care about you too much to risk messing this up.”
“Noooo. I love the wandering hands,” I say in a playful, whiny voice, not wanting to comply with these new rules.
Leo chuckles, “I do too, love. I do too.” He reaches out, taking my hand in his. “Maybe we can find a middle ground. We don’t have to let what happened define us, but we can acknowledge it and be mindful. We can let it be okay without pretending it never happened.” He gives me a reassuring smile, his eyes filled with warmth. “What do you think?”
“You’re right,” I say softly. “We need to protect what we have.”
Leo’s grip on my hand tightens briefly before he lets go. “So, we’ll keep it platonic. The flirtatious nudges and hugs are fine, but no more snuggling during movies, no wandering hands. We can keep the loving, friendly touches but nothing beyond that, to avoid temptation.”
I smile, a mix of relief and sadness washing over me. “Agreed.”
We both sit in silence for a moment, absorbing the new boundaries we’ve set. Then, with a deep breath, I open the car door. “Thanks again for today, and for talking this through.”
He nods, his eyes soft. “Anytime. You know I’m always here for you. ”
We step out of the car and walk towards my back door, then turn to face each other.
“Goodnight, Leo,” I say softly as I wrap my arms around him for a friendly hug.
“Goodnight,” he replies, his voice warm and steady.