Chapter Five #2
“Yes!” His breath puffed out in a white cloud, his voice rising.
“Because otherwise I want to kiss you so fucking much it’s like a, a stomach flu—like I’m going to vomit, and I’m sweating and shaking.
And I know you don’t want me to kiss you, so just stop.
Please.” He rubbed his face before fisting his hands at his sides, his eyes squeezed shut. “Please leave me alone.”
My breath came in shallow little pants that stuck in my throat as I stepped forward and cupped his cheeks with my hands. “Who says I don’t want you to kiss me?”
His eyes popped open, and I swooped down and pressed our lips together before I lost my nerve.
It wasn’t the hyper mashing it had been the first time at the pond, but I kissed him firmly.
His lips were dry against mine, and this was probably a huge mistake, but as I tilted my head and softened the kiss with a gentle peck, I didn’t care even a little.
Charlie’s breath shuddered through him, and I nuzzled his cheek before drawing back, still holding his face. Snowflakes caught in his dark eyelashes, and he stared at me with parted lips. I caught a flake on my fingertip.
“But you’re straight,” he whispered hoarsely.
I shook my head, running my thumb over his lower lip, which was wet now.
“You have a girlfriend.”
“We broke up after graduation. We’re just friends now.
She’s dating guys in New York. I…well, I was going to come out at Stanford, but I haven’t worked up the nerve.
I know—super lame. You’re the first guy I’ve ever kissed.
I mean, obviously you were back then. But you are again now. First. And second.”
He shook his head. “This isn’t happening.”
He tried to step back, but the snowbank was there, and he flailed for a moment as I grabbed his arms. “I know this must be a surprise, but—”
“A surprise?” He batted my hands away and edged around me to the open parking lot. The snow was coming harder now, the white flakes dotting his hair. “This is…what the fuck, Gavin? You were going to come out? What are you saying? You’re bi now?”
“No. I’m gay. I’ve always been gay. I tried not to be.
I tried to get over it. I tried so hard I became really good at denying it.
Too good.” My mouth was dry and the words were going to choke me, but I had to shove them out.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did. For how I stopped talking to you.
I was afraid, but I know that’s no excuse. ”
He shook his head. “I don’t understand.”
“I…at that party, after I danced with Candace and she made out with me, I tried to find you, but you’d already gone home. I threw rocks at your window, but you didn’t come. I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted you.”
Charlie wrapped his arms around himself. “I saw you two together. I was really mad. Jealous.”
“I’d have been pretty hurt too if the situation was reversed. The next morning, I went to talk to my dad. He was in the garage, working on the lawn mower. I told him what happened. Told him how much I liked you. That I wanted you to be my boyfriend.”
I could still see it so clearly: the clumps of dried grass scattered on the grease-stained concrete floor, the cicadas humming in rising crescendos beyond the garage, and the driveway blacktop a little oozy in spots under the sun’s merciless late-summer glare.
Sweat had beaded on Dad’s forehead, and it dripped down his temple as he stared at me.
“Kiddo, you’re confused. This is normal. You’re not gay. There’s no way.”
The jagged scars those words left still ached. Until he’d spoken them, I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed him to tell me it was okay. That I was okay.
Charlie opened and closed his mouth. “You really liked me?” His voice was so small.
“More than anyone. I wanted to go kiss you again so bad. But my dad kept telling me it was a mistake. That I was confused, and the feelings would go away. That the move had been too stressful, and of course I’d gotten really attached to my first friend in Norwalk.
He said I wasn’t gay. That I couldn’t be. ”
“And you believed him?” It was barely a whisper, Charlie’s eyes shining.
I had to blink away my own tears. “He was my dad. He knew everything. He always knew the right things to do. I told myself he had to be right. He had to be. Because obviously he didn’t want me to be gay. So I couldn’t be. I had to stop.”
Charlie gazed at me with such tenderness. “Gavin…”
I had to get it all out, so I barreled on.
“The next day at school, when I saw you coming in the hall, I pretended I didn’t.
I walked right by you like you weren’t there.
” I swiped at my cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back and do it differently.
I wish I could have been stronger. But I didn’t want to disappoint him.
He told me not to tell my mom, and I just felt…
God, I was so ashamed and afraid.” I looked at the lights of the cars on the highway, trying to blink away my stupid tears.
I only realized Charlie had moved when I felt his cold hand grasp mine. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I forced myself to meet his gaze. “I wanted to. So much. But I knew I couldn’t be friends with you and not need more.
So I tried to pretend you weren’t there.
That Candace was everything I wanted. And I know you blamed her, but she’s a good person.
It wasn’t her fault. She’s actually the one who encouraged me to admit that I’m gay.
She’d started to suspect, and she confronted me this summer.
I was already working up my nerve to tell her, and she made it so much easier. ”
He nodded jerkily. “That’s good.”
“Back in ninth grade, I wanted to believe that if I didn’t see you anymore, it would go away. Then I could be normal again. Then I wouldn’t disappoint my dad and upset my mom. I was a coward, Charlie.”
He squeezed so hard my fingers started to go numb. “You’re really gay?”
I nodded. “I wanted to tell my parents before I left for college. But my dad has to know, and my mom’s not stupid. I think they’re hoping if we don’t talk about it, it’ll go away. Guess that’s a Bloomberg family trait.”
For a few heartbeats, Charlie just looked at me, and I tried to think of something else to say to explain why I’d been such a pathetic weakling. Then he was wrapping his arms around me so tight.
“It’s okay, Gav. Everything will be okay.”
As fresh tears burned my eyes, I bent my head to his shoulder and clung to him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He petted my hair, murmuring little nothing words as the snow fell.
It felt so good to have my arms around him, and when I lifted my head, our mouths came together like it was the only possibility.
Our lips parted and Charlie’s tongue slid against mine.
I could taste the sweet-tart tang of Red Bull, and I wanted to keep kissing him and hearing the little moans he made low in his throat for days and days.
We pressed against each other the way we had years ago, but now we had muscles and stubble, and I’d never felt more like a man than I did in that parking lot in Ohio. “Please,” I whispered.
He pulled back, his lips shiny and eyes dark. “You really want me, Gav?”
I groaned and thrust my hips against him. “I’ll get down on my hands and knees right here.”
Charlie kissed me again, sucking my tongue. We were both getting hard, and we rubbed against each other like dogs. He squeezed my ass. “I’ve dreamed about this for so long. Even when I hated you, I wanted to fuck you more than anyone else.”
A wheezy bang echoed across the pavement to our dark corner, and we jumped apart, our chests heaving. We watched a pickup truck leave the parking lot, backfiring one more time before it disappeared toward the highway. Shit, fuck, fuck. My heart pounded and I exhaled, relief flooding through me.
Our eyes met, and we laughed, and God, it felt warm and sweet like hot chocolate to really laugh with Charlie again. I peered up at the thickening snow. “We should get back in the car.”
We hurried across the parking lot. I looked down so I wouldn’t slip on any icy patches, and my face hurt from smiling, my ears going numb in the cold.
I did it. I told him. I actually did it. And he actually kissed me back.
I had the keys, so I pressed the fob twice and got behind the wheel as Charlie went to the passenger side. A thin layer of fluffy snow covered the windshield and the back window, and was gathering on the side windows too. We sat there in silence for a few moments.
I cleared my throat. “Should we get some food? Then I guess we need a motel.”
“Right. Uh-huh.”
More silence. I remembered the whole Christmas/Ava situation, and reached over to cover Charlie’s hand with my own. “Maybe the storm won’t be as bad as they think. We might still make it.”
Charlie squeezed his eyes shut, obvious guilt rippling through him. “Thank you.” He opened his eyes again. “Thank you for letting me come along in the first place. I don’t think I ever said that. I should have.” He turned to me, and there was such tenderness in his gaze. “Thank you so much.”
I leaned over and kissed him, and he opened his mouth, moaning softly as he grasped at me.
I wanted to be naked with him—we had too many layers on and the gearshift was digging into my ribs.
But God, I was kissing Charlie Yates. Wet, smacking sounds filled the confined space of the car, and I didn’t even need to turn on the heat.
That summer, I’d been drawn to Charlie immediately—the way he’d raced straight into everything he did, seemingly without a moment’s hesitation.
But until he’d had the guts to kiss me by the pond, I hadn’t been able to give my feelings a name.
And as soon as I’d spoken them to my dad, I’d wished I could swallow them forever.
But I was done being quiet.
As my moan filled the car, Charlie tugged up my fleece and tried to unbutton my jeans, kissing my neck. The humid gusts of his breath sent shivers through me. “Need to touch you.”
“Uh-huh,” I agreed, letting go of his shoulders and back long enough to open my fly. My dick strained against my underwear, and I gasped when Charlie pulled it out with a cold touch. He stroked me, the friction sending sparks to my fingers and toes and little moans to my tongue.
Charlie has his hand on my cock.
“I dreamed about this so many times,” I muttered, kissing him messily.
He didn’t stop jerking me as he eyed me speculatively. “About being with a guy?”
“Yes,” I panted. “But it was always you in my head.”
Grabbing my face with his left hand, Charlie kissed me hard.
He spit in his palm and then ran his thumb over the head of my cock, rubbing the drops there down over my shaft.
I was on fire, but I wanted to touch him too.
I fumbled at his jeans, whimpering at the loss as he let go of my dick to help me pull out his.
Then he was stroking me again, and I licked my palm and took hold of him.
He wasn’t cut, and I pulled down his foreskin.
The angle was awkward, but I managed to get a good grip on him, and holy crap I was touching a penis that wasn’t mine.
And it was Charlie’s! I figured I was doing okay by the way his breathing hitched.
“I dreamed of this too,” he murmured, pressing our foreheads together. “Imagined what you’d look like when I made you come.”
Groaning, I stroked him faster, the heat in my hand and in my groin flushing me all over. My heavy balls tightened. “Charlie…”
“Do you want to come for me?” He panted in puffs that mingled with mine as he stroked even faster. “That’s it, Gav. Like that.”
I spurted over his hand, shuddering and probably gripping his cock too tightly, but he didn’t complain as I rode out the waves of my orgasm, my mouth open as he milked me. I closed my eyes and leaned against him, boneless but for the hand I still had wrapped around his dick.
“That’s it,” he repeated, letting go of me.
I opened my eyes to find him sucking my jizz off his fingers, and I was pretty sure I might come all over again. I got my second wind and concentrated on jerking him. “Your turn.”
He buried his face in my neck and sucked hard as he thrust his hips into my grasp.
It was too dark in the car with the snow thick on the windows, and I couldn’t wait to get him in a room where I could see his cock and explore his foreskin.
Take him in my mouth. “I want to taste your cum,” I whispered.
Charlie thrust harder, grunting and fucking into my hand. “Yeah. Oh shit.”
“I want to do everything with you.”
With a sharp cry, he came, making my hand wonderfully sticky as he bit my neck lightly. He slumped against me, and I squeezed my hand out from between us. Tentatively, I licked my skin where his spunk had splattered me. It was salty and musky, and I took another taste.
“Plenty more where that came from,” he said, raising his head with a smirk.
We kissed, and it tasted like sex. The few times with Candace, we’d cleaned up quickly, but I imagined with Charlie I could wallow in sweat and cum for days and love every second of it. “Before, did you compare wanting to kiss me to having the stomach flu?”
His laughter filled the car. “I guess I did. Um, sorry?”
I put on a solemn expression. “You make me want to vomit and shit my pants too.”
Pressing a hand to his chest, Charlie shook his head. “That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”
We were laughing so hard we could barely kiss, but we found a way.