Chapter Nine
Gavin
From the foot of my driveway, I could see my dad was working in the garage.
The gray day was waning quickly, and light shone around the brown rectangle of the garage door.
I waved to Candace and her parents as they drove away with a cheery honk, then squinted down the street.
The Yates lived ten houses away near the end of the block, and I wasn’t sure if the lights were on.
The garage door whirred open, disappearing upwards.
My dad appeared in jeans and a winter jacket, wiping his hands on a rag and smiling hard, wrinkles fanning out from his eyes and mouth.
It made me ache. “There’s my boy! Did you have fun?
” He pulled me into a hug, and I clung to him.
He smelled like grease and coffee and Dad.
“Hey,” I mumbled.
He stepped back and glanced down the street. “I was hoping to say hi to Candace and her folks. Did you have fun on the slopes?”
“Yeah. They had to get going, sorry.” A bald-faced lie. They’d wanted to say hi too, but I needed to have this conversation with my dad before the pressure in my chest splintered my ribs. I tried to smile. “Looks like you had fun on the beach. Nice tan.”
“Not bad, huh?” His teeth looked whiter than usual. He was tall like me, and we resembled each other in the face, although his hair was black. I’d gotten my auburn brown from my mom. Dad’s smile faded. “Everything okay? Come on inside—we’re letting out the heat.”
I followed into the garage, dragging my little suitcase over hard bumps of snow still scattered across the asphalt.
I pressed the big button to close the door after me, and it hummed its way back down as I peered around at the familiar space.
It was a double garage, and Mom’s Audi was parked on the left beside the work area.
Dad had a space heater plugged in near his workbench.
The snowblower sat on the floor with its outer shell removed and its guts exposed.
Dad scratched his head. “This darn thing isn’t quite getting the job done. Want to shine that flashlight in there?”
It was so tempting to pick up the flashlight and pretend nothing was wrong. It would be so easy. Smile and nod and laugh at the right times, just like I had for the past four years.
“Gav?” Dad straightened up from where he’d bent over the snowblower. “What’s up?”
I took off my Little America mitts and fiddled with them. “I didn’t mention it to you before, but I ended up driving home with someone from high school. It was a coincidence—we were both trying to rent a car.”
He smiled tentatively. “Yeah?”
I didn’t let myself look away. “It was Charlie Yates.”
Dad’s flinch was like a slap to my face. He tried to smile. “Oh, from down the street?”
“You know exactly who he is, Dad. He’s the boy I kissed when I was fourteen. The boy I didn’t talk to again after I told you what happened. The boy I loved all these years, even when I tried to hate him.”
His face creased. “Gavin… I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to say it’s okay! I want you to say you love me just the way I am, and that I’m the same person, and this doesn’t change anything.
” My breath caught in my throat. “That’s what I wanted you to say four years ago.
I was so scared, Dad. And I needed you to say it was okay.
I hid for four years and lied to myself, and to everyone else.
I lied to Candace. I’m lucky she’s still my friend.
And it was all because I was afraid you wouldn’t love me anymore. ”
Tears sprang to his eyes. “Of course I love you. How could you think I wouldn’t? If you’d…I…”
“If I’d what, Dad? What was I supposed to do? You told me I was confused. You sounded so sure of it. I thought you had to be right. I wanted you to be right, because clearly if I were gay, it was something to be ashamed of.”
“No.” He spoke firmly. “I never said that.”
“You told me not to tell Mom!” My cry filled the garage, and we stared at each other in the ensuing silence.
The hurt scraped through me, hollowing out another chunk of my heart.
“If it wasn’t something to be ashamed of, why did you say that?
What else was I supposed to think? I came to you because I trusted you. Because I needed your help.”
Warm air wafted over me, and I turned to find my mom in the door leading into the house.
She wore her slippers, slacks, and her fancy green cashmere sweater, which meant she’d cooked a dinner she was proud of.
With her standing at the top of the three steps, we were the same height for once. “He told you not to tell Mom what?”
“Andrea, it’s okay. Go back inside, and we’ll be in soon.” Dad put on a smile and wiped his hands with a rag. “Just finishing up in here.”
“I’m gay, Mom.” The words hung there, the space heater buzzing and the distant TV murmuring.
Mom stared between me and my father. “What?”
“You heard me. I’m gay.”
She made a little snorting sound as she shook her head. “What? Gavin, that’s ridiculous. Is this a joke?”
“Andrea, let me talk to Gavin, and—”
“No, Dad. You both need to hear this. I’ve hid this for so long. I’m gay. I always have been. I always will be. This is how I was born.”
“But how can that be?” Mom stared at me incredulously. “No, honey. You and Candace. You love her.”
“I do. But not like that.”
“I don’t understand. You and Candace were so happy. Did something happen at college? I know San Francisco is liberal-minded and that can confuse—”
“I’ve always been gay. It’s not new.”
She wrapped her arms around her stomach and took a step back, staring at my father. “I don’t understand.”
Dad sighed. “Gavin, are you sure that you’re not…” He waved his hand around.
“No, Dad. I’m not confused. I wasn’t then, and I’m not now. It’s not a phase. It’s forever. It’s the way I was born.”
“So you’re saying…” Mom blinked owlishly. “But I never thought… I’m your mother. I should have known.” She pressed her hand to her mouth. “I should have known!”
I wanted to agree, but I couldn’t bear to hurt her any worse. “It’s not your fault I never told you.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks. “But Gavin…”
“I know it’s not what you want to hear, Mom.”
She clutched her hands together. “There are so many things you’ll miss out on.”
“Maybe some things will be different, but—”
“Some things?” She shook her head. “What about children? My grandchildren?”
“Huh? What about them?” I almost wanted to laugh, it was so surreal. “I’m eighteen. I’m not having kids for years.”
She pressed her lips together. “But if you’re gay, then…”
I took a deep breath, trying to stay in control. “Gay people can have kids, Mom.”
“Oh, Gavin. No. It’s just not right! Children need a mother and father.”
“Children need parents who love them the way they are!” My shout was swallowed by the dull concrete.
“Darling, if you make this choice, think of all the obstacles you’ll face! Jake, talk to him.” She spun to face Dad. “You don’t want this for him any more than I do.”
Dad shook his head. “It’s not a choice. Is it, Gavin?”
My eyes burned, but I managed to speak without sobbing. “It really isn’t. I tried to choose. When Dad told me I was confused, I wanted to believe him. I didn’t want to let you both down.”
“Oh, Gavin. I’m sorry.” Dad ran his hand over his face. “God. I’m so sorry.”
Mom glared daggers at him. “When exactly did this conversation take place?”
“The summer we moved here,” I answered. “Right before school started. I was friends with Charlie Yates that summer. I didn’t know anyone else, and we spent hours together every day. Remember?”
“I remember. He was a nice boy. I assumed you drifted apart. I never really thought much about it.”
“Labor Day weekend, we…we kissed. Made out.” I waited to see if she’d flinch or grimace or maybe puke, yet she only watched me steadily.
“Then we went to a party and I met Candace. She liked me, but I didn’t like her the way I did Charlie.
I told Dad everything, and he said I was confused. He said I wasn’t gay.”
I sniffed loudly, swiping at the tears dripping down my face before going on.
“But I knew I was. I knew it. I’d had crushes on other boys, even though I’d never admitted it to myself.
But I was afraid, so I tried to be straight.
I dated Candace, and I never even talked to Charlie again.
It was terrible, what I did. They both deserved better. I hurt them so much.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Dad said.
“Of course it was! Even if it was your fault too, in the end it was my choice. I thought if I was strong enough, I could do it. I could be who you wanted me to be.”
Mom pressed her hand to her chest. “Oh, darling.”
“I can’t, though.” I looked back and forth between them. “I’m gay, and I won’t pretend anymore. Charlie hated me for the way I turned my back on him, but he forgave me. We drove home together, and we became friends again. More than friends.”
“You and Charlie?” She blinked, and I could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to process it.
“We had sex,” I blurted. “I’m gay. Like, officially.” My face must have been beet red, but I needed to lay it all out on the table.
The shrill ring of my dad’s cell phone on the workbench made us all jump. Dad grabbed it and flicked the button for the ringer. A swell of fake sitcom laughter from the TV inside filled the silence.
Mom looked at me with such sorrow that I wanted to turn away.
“I don’t know what to say, Gavin. You’re my son, and I love you more than anything in this world.
But this isn’t what I want for you. This isn’t…
I don’t know what to make of it. I had dreams for you.
Dreams of how your life would be. This…this will ruin everything for you, honey.
” Fresh tears tracked down her cheeks. “Life will be so hard. You can’t want this. Not truly.”