4. Sunny #2
“Sunny, that’s so exciting!” Mia says, turning toward me at a stop sign. “How’s the sex? Is he good in bed? Oh my god, I shouldn’t even be asking you that, I’m sorry—you don’t have to tell me. Only if you want to!” She attempts to suppress a squeal.
“It’s great,” I say with a bashful grin.
But I’m lying.
It’s not what I imagined at all. It hurt a bit at first—I was prepared for that—but I thought that, with time, it would start to feel good.
It didn’t. It still hasn’t.
Although he’s a great kisser, sex with Chris is quick and anticlimactic, for me at least. I keep trying to enjoy it. But the pleasure never comes…
And neither do I.
So I fake it. Because Chris is a nice guy. And he’s into me, and—the sex has to get better at some point, right?
“Well, I’m extremely happy for you,” Mia says as she pulls into my mom’s driveway. The lights are on, which is strange because my mom told me she’d be at work.
“You deserve a great boyfriend, Sunny. I know you’ve wanted one for a long time,” Mia continues softly with a tilt of her head.
I smile and look down at my lap, then back up at her again. “How are things with you and Evan? Still good?”
Mia’s been dating Evan Chen (whose house was the setting of the infamous spin-the-bottle party) since freshman year of high school. They’re madly in love and adorable together.
She smiles. “Better than ever. Thank god we’re both at OSU. He’s in Hong Kong right now visiting family, but he’ll be back soon.”
“You two are the cutest,” I tell her.
“Well, let me know if you change your mind about the party tonight,” Mia says, giving me one of her extra-tight squeezes.
“Will do. Thanks again.” I get out of her car, grab my things, and head to the front porch while Mia drives away. As I’m searching my purse for my keys, my mom opens the door.
“Hey, Mom! Weren’t you supposed to be working today?” I give her a hug. “I thought that’s why you couldn’t pick me up at the airport.”
“I just got home, maybe ten minutes before you,” she explains as she grabs my suitcase and we make our way inside. “You know how unpredictable my schedule is.”
I let out a small grunt of acknowledgment as I lock the door behind us and let my heavy backpack fall from my shoulders onto the tiled floor.
“Ice cream?” my mom asks as she makes a beeline for the freezer.
“Rocky road, please—thanks,” I yell from the foyer as I kick off my shoes.
“So how do you think you did on your exams?” she asks when I join her in the kitchen a minute later. “Did poli sci go okay?”
She’s busy scooping and doesn’t see me shake my head.
I’m not surprised she’s interrogating me about my finals within minutes of my arrival, but that doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed.
I’d bet good money that the Dexters aren’t grilling their son about his grades right now.
They’re probably grilling a delicious chicken dinner in their backyard.
I sigh before I answer. “I think I did well. I studied hard and felt prepared.” I take a seat and, when she sets our bowls on the table, I immediately dig into a mound of gooey marshmallow.
“Oh, good,” my mom says with a relieved smile. “When will you have your grades back?”
“In the next few days. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know as soon as I get them,” I say before swallowing a huge spoonful of ice cream. I squeeze my eyes shut. Brain freeze.
“I know you will, sweetie,” she replies, but I can tell she’s already onto her next thought.
And unlike me, she’s barely touched her ice cream.
“It’s just that Northwestern Law is so competitive, so we need to make sure your application stands out.
Shouldn’t you be doing something besides babysitting this summer?
It’s probably too late to get an internship, but maybe you can volunteer somewhere… ”
The truth is, I plan to spend my free time this summer catching up on all the romance novels I didn’t have time to read during the school year, and maybe even writing something that doesn’t involve political theory. But I don’t tell my mother that .
“I’ll be fine, Mom. My schedule will be even more demanding next year, so I’d really like to take this summer to relax.”
Her eyebrows go up like she’s surprised I’ve expressed a boundary with her. Come to think of it, I’m a little surprised too. A year away at college must have done me some good.
“Well, what are your plans for next week?” she asks. “I suppose you’ll want to see Dex?” Her tone is nonchalant, but she avoids eye contact.
“Of course,” I say without elaborating.
“Does Chris know? About your plans?” I look up from my bowl to see my mom pursing her lips as she works to excise a plump black cherry from layers of vanilla ice cream with true surgical precision.
My heart starts pumping faster. I’m irritated, partly because she wouldn’t even know about Chris if it weren’t for my roommate, who spilled the beans when my mom visited me on campus for my birthday.
It was a rare weekend she happened to have off from work.
“What’s there to know?” I say with a scowl that only ever appears in the presence of my mother.
She takes a moment to swallow her bite, then shrugs. “Well, Chris is a nice boy, that’s all. And I don’t think he’d be too happy if he knew his girlfriend was planning to spend the entire summer with her high school crush.”
“High school crush ?” I stammer, nearly dropping my spoon. “What are you?—”
“Oh sweetie, you don’t have to pretend. I mean, who wouldn’t have a crush on Dex, right? He’s gorgeous. But he’s not a serious boy?—”
“What are you even talking about?” I ask, my eyes narrowed and my nostrils flared. “Don’t you remember how amazing he was in the senior play? You said it yourself—he’ll probably be famous one day. He is supremely talented, and smart, and very serious about acting?—”
“Well, that’s not a serious career now, is it?
” My mom stands up from the table and takes her bowl of half-eaten ice cream to the sink.
“Chris, on the other hand, has his entire future planned out. Do you know how hard it is to get into the seven-year medical program at Northwestern? He’s a bright boy, Sunny. He’s good for you.”
“Mom, you’ve never even met Chris! You only think he’s good for me because you’d love to have a doctor son-in-law to patch me up whenever disaster strikes?—”
“Well disaster does strike, when you least expect it,” she says, her back still turned to me as she scrubs her dish.
My mom never talks about losing her parents in a car accident when she was seventeen, so I typically don’t mention it. I’ve never confronted her about her anxiety either. But something has to change. Neither of us benefit from her constant worrying.
“It’s awful how your parents died,” I say. “And becoming a surgeon so you could spare other people that pain…that’s admirable. Helping people is something you can control. But there are certain things you can’t. And living in fear won’t change that. Worrying won’t keep me safe.”
She still hasn’t turned around, so I have no idea what she’s thinking.
How she’s feeling. But I guess I’m setting another boundary.
I’m not quite sure what’s gotten into me.
Maybe I’m gearing up so I can talk to Dex.
I want to know why he stopped talking to me. I want to know if we’re still friends.
“Let’s not make this about me, Sunny,” she says at last. “I had a really long night at the hospital, and I’m exhausted.
” She tucks her hair behind her ear and finally faces me.
“All I’m saying is, you need to be careful not to fall into old patterns.
A lot has changed since high school. You have a boyfriend now.
So if you’re planning to hang out with Dex, you should probably mention it to Chris.
You wouldn’t want him to hear from someone else and get the wrong idea.
Doesn’t that Rogers boy down the street go to Northwestern? ”
I don’t know a boy named Rogers, nor am I aware of anyone on our street who goes to Northwestern, but my mom doesn’t wait for me to answer. She plants a kiss on the top of my head and says, “I’m going upstairs to get some rest.”
I stay seated at the kitchen table for a few minutes in stunned silence before I grab my things from the foyer and head upstairs to my room. I plop down on my bed, my head spinning. These conversations with my mom suck all the life out of me.
It’s exhausting trying to be what someone else wants you to be.
There’s only one person I want to talk to right now. The one person I’ve always been myself with. My heart sinks, wondering if I should reach out to him.
A minute later, the phone line in my room rings.
But it’s not the person I want it to be. It’s Chris.
“Hello?” I answer.
“You made it home!” he says with a smile in his voice.
“Yup…” I reply with a heavy sigh .
“Well, that doesn’t sound good. What’s the matter?”
“My mom,” I say. “I’ve been home for half an hour and we’re already butting heads.”
“Wow, that was quick. What were you arguing about?”
I shrug, even though he can’t see it. “Just stupid stuff. Nothing important. How was your drive home?”
“All thirty minutes of it?” he says with a chuckle. “It was fine. But…I really miss you. I can’t wait for you to come visit next month.”
“I miss you too,” I say as I open up my laptop and navigate to my email browser.
“I don’t know how I’m going to last twenty-eight whole days without you in my bed,” he tells me.
My eyes widen and a knot forms in my stomach. And in that moment, I realize I’m actually relieved to have a break from faking orgasms.
“Yeah…me too,” I say after a long exhale.
“So what are your plans for next week?” he asks.
“Um, I’m not sure yet. Probably just seeing old friends. Maybe hanging out with Dex.” I’m not sure if I’m being courteous, as my mom suggested—or if I’m sabotaging myself.
“ Dex ?” Chris asks with a note of surprise in his voice. “I thought you weren’t talking to him anymore.”
I swallow. “Well, we were both busy with school, and we stopped talking as much…but that doesn’t mean we’re not friends.”
I hope.
Chris scoffs. “ Okay… ”
“Okay, what ?” I ask him with a bit more sass than I intended. That conversation with my mom really got to me.
“I don’t know, Sunny. You had pictures of that guy all over your dorm room?—”
“Oh my god, Chris, I had like two pictures of us when we were kids ?—”
“You definitely had more than two pictures of him. And one of them was from your high school graduation, and he had his arm around you, and…” Chris pauses. “He’s a good-looking guy, Sunny. I’m not an idiot?—”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Every time you talk about him, you blush. Admit it—you like him. I mean, how could you not?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Dex and I have never been more than just friends.”
Chris is silent for several seconds. “So, what…you’re just gonna spend your whole summer with him? Like old times?”
“Chris, you can’t tell me whom I can and can’t hang out with,” I say decisively.
“No. But I can break up with you.”
There are tears streaming down my face now. I’m just not sure why. “Is that really what you want?”
“I guess Kim was right all along. You’re really not that into me.”
I snort. “Oh—you mean Kim from down the hall who has a massive crush on you?”
Kim with the silky straight hair guys can run their fingers through.
“She doesn’t have a crush on me,” he says unconvincingly. “But regardless, she’s right. I’m way more into you than you’re into me. I can tell, Sunny. When we’re, like, messing around in bed, and stuff. I just feel like…your mind is somewhere else. Thinking about Dex, I guess.”
A stabbing pain pierces my chest.
Everything Chris is saying is true. I just figured I could keep those feelings buried in my subconscious. I had no idea my affection for Dex was that obvious.
I sniffle. “I don’t know what to say, Chris…I’m…I’m really sorry I made you feel that way.”
“Yeah, well, shit happens,” he says, followed by a lengthy exhale. “I’m gonna go.”
“Yeah.” I nod. “Okay.”
“Have a nice summer, Sunny.”
It sounds more like, Have a nice life .
I choke back more tears. “You too, Chris,” I say before I hang up.
I’m sobbing now. And I know it’s not because Chris and I just broke up.
It’s because I’ve spent the last three hundred days with a heartache that I’ve been trying so hard, and apparently unsuccessfully, to hide.
It’s because I’ve missed Oliver Dexter so much I can hardly breathe. Like I’ve been missing a part of me I need so I can feel...like me.
I’ve been so many different versions of Sunny since I started at Northwestern. All I want is to feel like myself again.
And I’m never more myself than when I’m with Dex. I know that sounds woefully co-dependent. But I can’t help it. Maybe this is what happens when you fall for the guy who’s been your best friend since kindergarten.
When my tears slow down to a trickle, I wipe my eyes and scroll through emails on my laptop. I stop when I find Seth Arden’s party invitation.
And that’s when I call Mia.