17. Sunny
I ’ve been planning Asher’s birthday surprise for weeks.
The school year’s almost over. We’ll be graduating soon, and I’ll be moving…
so I want to make this night extra special.
We still haven’t discussed where our relationship is headed, but I’m okay with that.
Right now, I’d rather focus on the present.
On spending as much time with Asher as I can.
Last weekend, we hardly left his bed. He was exceptionally attentive to my needs.
Sometimes I think that’s his way of trying to influence my decision about our future—with really good sex.
While I appreciate his efforts tremendously, I wish he didn’t need to convince me that we belong together.
I should be thanking my lucky stars for him.
But I have the perfect date planned for his birthday and, if all goes well, I’m hoping that any flicker of doubt I have about Asher will be extinguished.
We drink velvety red wine, and eat warm crusty bread dipped in herby olive oil, and enjoy proper spaghetti and meatballs that aren’t cooked by me.
I tell him to save room for dessert, and then I take him back to the Cheesecake Factory, where we had our first date.
I order one tuxedo cheesecake, and I really do split it with him this time.
Then I take him to the top of the John Hancock building for drinks, and we toast each other with miles of city lights twinkling around us like stars.
But as I lie in his bed, there are nervous flutters in my stomach.
I should be on top of the world right now.
Our date was amazing. Everything went according to plan.
Asher was surprised and happy with his birthday celebration.
He even gave me multiple orgasms. For some reason, though, I feel restless.
So I tell Asher we can’t go to sleep just yet.
“What do you mean?” he asks, rubbing his eyes. “It’s practically morning.”
“I want to watch the sunrise with you,” I tell him. Asher smiles and kisses me. I hand him his glasses from the nightstand, and we put on our clothes and walk to the rocks by the lake. We sit, and he holds me as the sun begins to appear above the horizon.
“I love you so much,” he says, staring at the sky ahead. It’s dark blue with murky wisps of coral.
“I love you too,” I tell him. My pulse quickens because I know exactly what he’s going to say next. And I dread it.
“We can do this, Sunny,” he utters softly. “Bloomington is only four hours away, and we both have cars. It won’t be hard.”
My heart sinks.
He pulled the thread.
I have no choice but to face reality now.
I have the perfect boyfriend. We’ve been together for nearly a year, and he’s treated me with nothing but love and respect. He’s smart, and motivated. Not to mention, he’s hot…he cooks… and he’s great in bed.
And I still don’t see a future with him.
I still don’t love him as much as I love Oliver Dexter.
And I hate myself for it.
I hate myself for stringing him along—but I was sure I’d be over Dex by now.
Well, it’s been nearly two fucking years .
Six hundred and eight days, to be exact.
I give up. I surrender.
But if I tell Asher the truth, it will shatter him. I don’t want him to think he did anything wrong. He’s the gold standard of what a man should be. It’s not his fault that his girlfriend is irrevocably in love with someone else.
So I blame it on the distance.
“We’ll be busy,” I finally say. “Eight hours is a lot to drive in one weekend, especially with all the studying we’ll have to do. We’ll end up canceling, and postponing, and disappointing each other. And then we’ll break up anyway, but during grad school, when there’s so much more at stake.”
The look on Asher’s face devastates me. “So you’d rather give up before we even try? I love you, Sunny. I want to try.”
I can’t hold his gaze.
“But I guess you don’t,” he continues when I don’t say anything. “So why did you do all this for me tonight? Just to break up with me?”
“Of course not,” I say, my eyes filling with tears. “I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you. How much I love you. I’m so sorry, Asher.” I sob. “I didn’t mean to break your heart.”
Asher looks at me and nods. Then he says exactly what a perfect boyfriend would say. “I know you didn’t.”
I take his hand and hold it in my lap.
We sit in silence for a few minutes. Eventually, he lets out a resigned breath.
“We should go,” he says, quietly. When he helps me up, his fingers are still threaded through mine.
“I’ll walk you back to your dorm,” he offers, which brings another round of tears to my eyes.
He deserves so much better than a girlfriend whose heart belongs to her ex.
When he meets the love of his life one day, he’ll be happy I did this.
Before we leave, Asher turns to face the sky a final time. We watch hand-in-hand until the bright sun shines above the horizon.
That’s when we let go.