23. Dex
I t’s like a scene out of a war movie.
There’s an explosion?—
Then nothing.
The audio cuts to silence. The screen goes white.
Then… slowly …the world starts to fade back in.
Your vision is clouded by smoke and dust, but you see pockets of light and shadow.
In the distance, you hear a faint ringing. It gets louder.
You begin to make out other sounds. But they’re very far away.
“Dex?”
“Can you hear me?”
“Come back to me—please.”
Her voice pulls me out of the rubble.
“Dex? Are you okay?”
It’s Sunny.
And she isn’t far away, she’s right in front of me. On top of me. Straddling me. Her clothes half on and half off.
I’ve never seen her look so scared.
It takes me several seconds before I remember why. One minute I was kissing her, and the next—I was out of my mind.
Sometimes the panic’s so bad that I leave my body for a while.
I should have gotten help for my anxiety a long time ago. But now? Someone will leak the story. I can see the headlines: “Dex Oliver: Insanely Hot or Just Insane?”
Fuck that.
I can’t trust anyone to help me. I have no choice except to ride it out.
But I have to pull myself together now. I need Sunny to know the truth.
I can’t live like this anymore.
I’ve been a mess since we started shooting this film.
Not on set, of course. The acting part is going great.
The problem is when we wrap for the night.
The second I walk through the door of my apartment, I’m Ollie.
Last night, in Sunny’s bed, was the first time I’ve slept for more than a four-hour stretch in months.
I’d needed to see her so fucking badly. I was such a nervous wreck on the train ride from London that I actually walked into her apartment as Dex Oliver.
I don’t usually have to do that around her.
I just haven’t been myself in so goddamn long, I’ve practically forgotten what it’s like.
When I was kissing her in the foyer yesterday, I was convinced that if I didn’t have her right away, the only genuine part of me might die.
She’s the antidote to everything that’s wrong with me.
All it takes is sharing the same air with her, and I breathe more deeply than I ever do when we’re apart .
I was so happy today. Strolling the streets of Paris with the woman I’ve loved my whole life. I was myself again. There was no Ollie, no Dex. Just me and Sunny. The way it’s supposed to be.
But then we got back to her place, and all I could think about was the fact that I’d have to leave her for London in the morning.
And then what? I have no fucking clue when I’ll see her again.
I don’t know what my life will look like after I make this film.
All I know is that if I keep going down this road, I’m going to lose her.
It’s already happening.
The more famous I get, the more I feel Sunny slipping away.
And who can blame her? I cancel on her constantly.
She has to go months without seeing me—unless, that is, she wants to turn on the TV and watch me all but fuck other women on screen.
She claims it doesn’t bother her, but I don’t know if I believe it.
It would destroy me to see Sunny with another man like that. Even if it weren’t real.
Then there’s the media. The paps. The tabloids.
Just being Dex was one thing—but I’ve created a monster.
How long will Sunny put up with me being Dex Oliver?
I’ve decided I don’t want to know the answer.
“I’m lost without you,” I tell her as I try to keep my breath steady. “I’m going to quit the movie. I’ll move to Chicago, and we can be together after you graduate.”
Sunny looks at me for several seconds, stunned.
Then she shakes her head. “Dex, I know you’re scared.
You’re on the cusp of something extraordinary.
And your life’s about to change. But you can’t quit this movie—and especially not for me.
You won’t be happy doing anything else, and you’ll regret it. You might even…resent me.”
“I could never resent you, Sunny. You’re my whole world,” I plead. “I’m nothing without you.”
Her eyes are glistening. “How do you think I’d feel if I let you give up the chance to be a movie star?
You’ve been dreaming about this since you were a kid.
And maybe you don’t realize how spectacular you are, but most people who chase this dream never even come close to achieving it. You’re so close, Dex…you’re so close.”
Maybe she has a point, but I don’t care. My dream means nothing if I can’t have her. “Sunny, if this movie is successful and my career takes off, how will it ever work between us? It’s barely working now!”
She buries her face in her hands. I wrap my arms around her as she cries.
“I know that you’re hurting,” I say into her beautiful hair.
“I hear it in your voice whenever I have to cancel our plans. Or when it takes me forever to call you back, or when you see some bullshit story about me online. You’re trying so hard not to show it, but I know you, Sunny. You’re not happy. Let me fix this.”
She pulls away, rolls off my lap, and sits facing me. Then she nods. “You’re right. This isn’t working. We’re both miserable. Maybe we should take some time to focus on our careers…”
“Wait—what?” I stammer. “Are you serious? That’s the exact opposite of what I’m suggesting!”
“What you’re suggesting is preposterous, Dex!
I cannot be the reason you give up your career.
If you quit now, you’ll never get a chance like this again.
You’ll be blacklisted. You committed to this movie, and you need to see it through.
And I need to finish law school, and pass the bar exam, and… who knows, maybe in a year or two…”
She doesn’t finish the sentence. She’s trying to let me down easy, but I see what’s happening.
She doesn’t want me anymore.
I unraveled in front of her. I let her see what’s underneath the act.
She’s disgusted now. There’s no way I’ll get her back.
My eyes dart around the room, looking for something to ground me.
But all I can see is Sunny’s life without me.
My hands are shaking. No, my entire body.
My heart, and soul, and the earth above me?—
I know this feeling all too well.
There’s no exit again, because I’m in hell.
I manage to get the words out, though I can hardly breathe.
“Sunny, tell me the truth—are you fucking Jeremy?”
Her eyes go wide. She gasps. “What? Dex, no! Jeremy’s just a friend. There’s nothing going on between us?—”
“He’s in love with you. He’s gotta be. Every time I call you, you’re with him. It’s only a matter of time. If you don’t already love him, you will. I know you will.”
Sunny’s practical. She’ll choose Jeremy because he makes sense. They’re going to be lawyers, living in the same city. They want the same things. It’ll be so much easier for her to pick him .
“Dex…please,” she sobs. “This has nothing to do with Jeremy. Yo u have to believe me.”
I really wish I could.
I can’t breathe.
But my mind keeps playing tricks on me.
I can’t breathe.
I don’t know what’s real, and what’s anxiety.
I can’t breathe.
I can hardly make out what she’s saying to me.
I can’t breathe.
How many more times can I go through this before it kills me?
…
“Does this happen to you a lot?” she asks me when it’s finally over.
I wipe the sweat off my brow and sigh. “Yeah,” I tell her.
“It does. Not as much when we’re together.
That’s why I needed this weekend so badly, Sunny.
I can only be my real self when I’m with you.
When you’re gone, I’m a disaster. I’m up all night panicking.
You’re my remedy Sunny. Or you were . But now I’ve lost you. ”
Her lip quivers. “I can’t believe I didn’t know. I remember you got upset like this when your dad was sick, but….I had no idea how much you’ve been suffering.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t want you to.”
I didn’t want her to see how fucked up I am and run away.
Exactly like she’s doing now.
“Dex, I know you think I’m the solution to your anxiety, but I’m just a temporary fix. Have you…talked to anyone?” she asks me, wiping tears from her eyes. “Your doctor? Or a therapist?”
I look down at my lap. “When I was a kid. Not recently. ”
“You need to tell someone, Dex. You shouldn’t have to live like this.”
The pity on her face when she looks at me—it destroys any hope I’ve ever had that I can be the man she deserves.
I give up. Why try anymore? I’m pathetic.
I’m worse than pathetic—I’m Ollie. So I cry, like a child, in her arms.
She sobs with me. “Please promise me you’ll get help,” she says.
I know I won’t. But I’d like to leave here with a shred of dignity, so I lie.