24. Sunny
A fter nearly fourteen hours of travel from Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport—including a layover at JFK and an airport shuttle from Indianapolis—I’m finally back in Bloomington.
As luck would have it, Sam is in Indy for a friend’s baby shower this weekend and called to see if I’d be up for a visitor.
She said she’d be happy to drive an hour south to see me, especially considering it’s the shortest distance we’ve been from one another since college.
Shortly after we graduated, Sam left to tour Southeast Asia for the better part of a year, then moved to New York, where she’s been working toward a PhD in philosophy at NYU.
Sam’s phone call was a welcome surprise.
My semester in Paris is over, and I’ve never felt so low in my life.
I haven’t seen Dex since we broke up three months ago.
After he went back to London, I didn’t leave my apartment for five whole days.
I hardly left my bed. I barely ate. I slept to avoid the torture of being conscious, but then I’d dream of Dex kissing me, and holding me, and loving me, and I’d wake up sobbing.
I told my professors I had the flu. I let myself have one week off from school to wallow, knowing full well that, afterward, I’d have to pick myself up and learn enough to pass the semester.
Luckily I did. I already have a job offer from the firm where I summered—one of the best firms in Chicago—and I can’t afford to lose it.
My law career is the only thing I have going for me right now.
I’ve been looking forward to Sam’s visit all day but, somehow, I managed to lose track of time in between watching old episodes of Sex and the City and eating cold leftover pizza. Now I’m scrambling to get out of my pajamas when she calls me from downstairs.
I buzz her into the building, throw on a sweater and a pair of jeans from my still-packed suitcase, and run to the door.
I greet her with a huge smile on my face—which is mostly genuine since I’m excited to see her—but I dial it up a notch to make sure I don’t look like I’ve been on the verge of tears all day.
Sam’s eyes go wide when she sees me. “Oh my god, Sunny! You look so different!”
I run my fingers through my hair. “I know. I went to a salon in Paris and got it straightened before I left. I had them chop several inches off too.”
Now, instead of curls cascading down my back, my hair is sleek and shoulder-length.
I thought, maybe, if I came back to Indiana looking like a completely different person, it would help me see this chapter of my life as a fresh start.
A new beginning, instead of a bitter ending. But, so far, my plan’s fallen flat.
“Wow,” she says as she reaches out to touch my silky hair. “It’s beautiful. It’ll take some time for my brain to adjust, because you don’t look like Sunny without your curls, but you’re gorgeous either way.”
“Thanks,” I say, smiling. I wrap my arms tightly around her. “I’m so happy you’re here. It’s been too long. Come in and have a seat. Do you want anything to drink? I have beer, wine?—”
“Wine’s great,” she says as she sits on my couch. I pour two glasses of pinot noir and join her.
“I want to hear all about your PhD program,” I tell her once we’re settled.
Sam rolls her eyes. “Trust me, you don’t. It’ll bore you to tears. I mean, I absolutely love it—but if you’re not a philosophy person, you probably won’t want to hear about my research on metaphysical solipsism. It took a string of several bad first dates before I figured that out.”
I laugh. “Okay, I’ll take your word for it. I’m so happy you’re enjoying it, though. You’re going to be a kickass professor one day.”
She smiles before taking a sip of her wine. “Thanks. What about you ? How was Paris? Did you and Dex make love under the sparkling lights of the Eiffel Tower?” she teases while batting her eyelashes.
I bite my lip. “No, actually. We…broke up.”
Her brows instantly knit together. She puts her glass down on the coffee table. “Oh, Sunny…” she says, placing her hand on my knee.
“He told me everything I was dying to hear, Sam. He said he’d quit the movie, give up his acting career, and move to Chicago to be with me. But…I couldn’t let him do it. I mean, he’s dreamed of being a movie star his entire life.”
She nods slowly. “I see your point. But why would he have to give up his career to be with you, anyway? Couldn’t you take the California bar and find a job in LA? That way, even if he has to travel a lot, at least you’d have a homebase together.”
I shake my head. “His schedule isn’t the only thing that worries me. Fame changes people. It’s already happening. The clothes he wears, the people he hangs out with. The regimented way he diets and exercises. He’s not the Oliver Dexter I used to know.”
And once the transformation is complete, he won’t want me. He’ll abandon me. Just like my father did. Like my mother, even, who was never around when I was growing up.
I can’t sit around and watch Dex fall out of love with me. I’m already damaged as it is. This would break me. That’s why I pulled the goddamn thread and broke us up.
“I’m so sorry,” Sam says. “Are you guys still talking at all? How did you leave things?”
“I told him we should take some time to focus on our careers, and maybe in a year, or two…” I shrug.
“I probably shouldn’t have left things open like that, but I can’t bear the thought of closing the door on us completely.
I’d like to think there might be a chance for me and Dex down the road. Even if it’s years from now.”
She takes another drink of her wine when I realize I still haven’t touched mine. I reach for my glass. “Anything’s possible,” she continues. “Maybe you’ll reunite at a nursing home and have hot geriatric sex. ”
I almost spit out my pinot noir laughing. Sam’s deadpan expression turns into a grin.
“I’m telling you, Sunny, my grandma’s in a nursing home and she gets plenty of action. All the residents do. It’s like being in college all over again, but better, because you can’t get knocked up. STDs are rampant, though…” she adds with a frown.
I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. “Oh my gosh—Sam,” I say, catching my breath. “I haven’t laughed that much in a long time. I really needed that.”
“That’s what I’m here for,” she says with a wink.
Just then, there’s a knock at my door. I get off the couch, wiping tears from my eyes, my cheeks still warm from giggling. I look through the peephole.
It’s Jeremy.
“Hey,” I say as I swing open the door. “Long time no see.”
He just stands there, in the doorframe, unsmiling and squinting his eyes at me.
“Um…Jeremy?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.
He shakes his head. “Hey. Hi. I—I barely recognized you.”
“Oh.” I run my fingers through my hair. “Yeah, I straightened it.”
“Wow,” he says, still serious. “Yeah, it’s different.” He blinks a few times. “Looks good.” He presses his lips together and I try to determine if his expression is happy or neutral. It’s hard to tell with Jeremy. I think I see a hint of an upward curl, but I’m not sure.
“Thanks,” I say, tucking my hands into my back pockets.
I haven’t seen Jeremy since before I left for Paris.
We emailed all the time while I was abroad.
Not about anything in particular, just little anecdotes back and forth about our days.
I didn’t tell him about my breakup, though.
I probably would have—had I not witnessed the love of my life in a literal panic over my friendship with him.
Now just being in the same room with Jeremy feels like a betrayal, regardless of the fact that Dex and I are no longer together.
“Well, welcome back,” Jeremy says, giving me a hug.
For as much time as he and I have spent together over the past couple of years, you’d think we would have hugged before. But this is the first time.
“Hey,” Sam says coming up behind me as Jeremy and I pull apart.
“Jeremy, this is my friend Sam, from college. Sam, this is Jeremy.”
He briefly shifts his gaze to her. “Hey,” he says, his micro-smile disappearing.
“Hey yourself,” Sam replies in an unusually sweet tone. When I turn to look at her, she’s flushed.
“I, um, sold some of my old law treatises to this first-year downstairs, so I was in the building,” Jeremy explains as I turn to face him again. “Thought I’d stop by and see if you were back from Paris. And here you are.”
“Here I am,” I echo back. “Do you want to come in? Sam and I were just having some wine. You’re welcome to join us.”
I’d much prefer he didn’t, under the circumstances. But it was nice of him to stop by, so I feel bad not asking. Plus, Jeremy’s my closest friend in law school, and we study well together. I guess I’ll have to get over this guilty feeling eventually .
He shakes his head. “I gotta get going, but thanks. I’ll, um, see you in class? Monday?”
“Sounds good,” I say as he waves goodbye.
As soon as I close the door, Sam grabs my shoulders and spins me to face her. “Sunny,” she whispers. “What…the…fuck?”
I’m clueless. “Huh?”
She takes my hand and pulls me back to the couch. “ That’s Jeremy?” she asks when we’re seated.
“Yes…” I respond slowly. I still have no idea where she’s going with this.
She leans back against a throw pillow. “So you’re telling me that’s the Jeremy who’s, like, a genius and stays up all night reading random textbooks?”
I chuckle. “That’s him. Why?”
She shakes her head. “Because I was not prepared for him to look like that.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I mean, the way you described him—smartest guy in the class, lives at the library, studies astronomy for shits and giggles—I just figured he’d be a total nerd.” She pauses. “I mean, we’re all nerds, I suppose. But I thought he would look like a nerd.”
I wait for her to continue, but she doesn’t. “And? What does he look like?”
“Are you kidding me, Sunny? He’s FUCKING HOT!”
I tilt my head. “ Jeremy ?”
“Oh my god.” Sam buries her face in her hands and takes a deep breath before looking at me again. “Are you blind?” she asks, now laughing at me .
I give a sheepish shrug. “I just don’t think about him that way, I guess.”
“How is that even possible? He is sexy as hell . You must have had blinders on while you and Dex were together.”
I frown. “Probably.”
She takes a sip of wine. “And they are night and day different. Jeremy’s more rugged. He looks like he has an edge to him. Like he’d bend you over a desk and?—”
“Okay, Sam—I get it,” I say, reaching for her hand. “I don’t need that image in my mind.”
She gives me a disapproving look. “What you need is to get over Dex. And you can do that by getting under Jeremy. I’m pretty sure I picked up on a vibe from him too.”
“No,” I say adamantly, searching for my wine glass.
I find it on the floor, next to my feet, and take a sip.
“There was no vibe. I think he was just thrown off by my straight hair. I’ll admit he was acting a little weird…
but we haven’t seen each other in months.
And Jeremy’s not really known for his social graces.
” I laugh. “Most people in our class can’t stand him—they think he’s arrogant. ”
Sam smiles. “Well, it looks like he’s got the goods to back it up. Just keep an open mind, Sunny, that’s all I’m saying.”
I breathe out heavily. “That’s not going to happen. Ever. For one thing, I’m not attracted to him. For another, he has a girlfriend?—”
She rolls her eyes. “Of course he does. They could break up, though…”
“But most importantly,” I continue, ignoring her last thought, “ I couldn’t do that to Dex. He felt threatened by my friendship with Jeremy. He even asked me if I was cheating on him.”
Sam’s eyes widen. “The plot thickens.”
I take another sip of wine. “Yeah.”
“Well, keep me posted. And if this love triangle ends with Jeremy and Dex dueling for the honor of your hand, please let me know so I can be there to watch.”
I smirk. “Who would you root for?”
She scratches her head. “Hmm. You , of course! I’ll always be rooting for you to be happy.”
My eyes tear up. I give her a hug. “Thanks, Sam.” When I pull away, I spot her empty wine glass. “Do you want a refill?”
She winces. “I shouldn’t. I actually have to get some work done tonight. I know it’s lame. I brought my laptop.”
“Hey, I totally get it. This isn’t college anymore. We’re in the big leagues now. Do you want to work in my bedroom? You can sleep in my bed tonight too. I’ll take the couch.”
“Are you sure? I’m happy to stay out here.”
“Don’t worry about it. I fall asleep studying on this couch all the time. I’m used to it.”
She laughs. “Thank you.”
But long after she goes to sleep, I’m still lying awake, staring at the ceiling. Talking to Sam about Paris, and reliving that last night with Dex, has my mind spiraling.
Dex’s panic attack terrified me. I was so worried about him.
I still am. It keeps me up at night, sometimes.
We may not be together anymore, but I will never not love him .
I need to know that he’s okay.
I turn to face my cell phone, sitting on the coffee table. Then I pick it up and call him. He answers on the first ring.
“Hey,” he says, surprised.
“Hi.” I bite my lip. “I hope I’m not calling too late.”
“It’s fine. I was awake.”
“Did you finish making the movie?”
I hear him smile. “Yeah. I did.”
“How did it go?”
“I’m proud of it, Sunny. I’m glad I didn’t quit. You were right. Thank you.”
I nod silently.
Dex clears his throat. “I also wanted to say—I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you in Paris. I was just going through a hard time. But I got back to LA a couple of weeks ago and started therapy. I’m already feeling a lot better.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’m getting help. Like I promised I would.”
I sigh. “Good. I’m relieved to hear that. And…I’m always here for you, no matter what. I hope you know that.”
“I do. Same here.”
“Okay,” I say softly. “Thank you.”
“Are you back in Indiana?”
“Yeah. I start classes on Monday. I can’t believe it’s my last semester.”
“Good luck. I know you’ll knock ’ em dead.”
“Thanks, Dex.”
For a moment, we’re quiet. I close my eyes and revel in it. Just me and him, breathing.
“Thanks for calling, Sunny.”
It’s a less dramatic goodbye than the one we had in Paris.
But I still have trouble falling asleep.