Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Caleb takes my hand, pulling me away from the house. “Maybe we should come back later.”
I shake my head and hurry up the steps, my heart pounding like a drum. Everything around me slows down as I swing the door open.
“Get out!” Mom yells into Dad’s face. Her makeup is smeared and faded from crying for who knows how long. She shoves a suitcase toward him.
Dad’s back is arched, and his eyes are bloodshot. He holds a half-empty beer bottle in one hand and something else in his other hand. I can’t make out what it is.
“What’s going on?” I say with the door wide open, giving Caleb and Jordy front-row seats to my family drama.
Mom looks over at me as if she’s just now realizing I’m here. She covers her face, shaking her head. “We’ll talk about it later,” she says.
I can’t take my eyes off the suitcase. “No. We have to talk about it now. Are you kicking Dad out?”
“It’s not that simple,” she says.
Dad brings the bottle to his lips.
Mom’s lip curls, and she rips the bottle out of his hand. “You’ve had enough! Get outside and wait for your brother to pick you up.”
Dad reaches for the bottle, but mom chucks it across the hallway before he has a chance to touch it. It shatters on the ground, beer spewing everywhere.
“Hey!” Dad yells.
Mom shoves the handle of the suitcase into him, and with a quivering lip, she says, “I’m done.”
“You don’t mean that!” I yell, rushing to take the suitcase away from Dad.
Dad’s eyes are glassed over, but when he looks at me, they clear up into unmistakable rage.
It makes me feel dirty, like I’m nothing more than a piece of trash lying on the side of the road.
He’s never looked at me like that before, and it makes me shiver.
Still, I refuse to accept that the Dad I once knew is gone.
“Please,” I beg, taking hold of Mom’s arm. “Don’t make him go.”
“I want to.”
My head whips around to Dad. No matter how clear his words were, I don’t hear them.
He grips the handle and pulls the suitcase behind him as he staggers away.
“No!” I scream, trying to follow him. Mom wraps her arms around me, stopping me from moving. I double forward, reaching for him. “Dad!”
He passes Caleb, who doesn’t seem to know whether to let him go or stop him.
“Becca,” Mom says, trying to soothe me with her forced calm voice. “He needs help.”
Tears burn my eyes, and the room is spinning—making it hard to breathe. Every breath feels like a knife in my lungs. “No. We need to help him!”
“Don’t you think I’ve tried?” she yells, releasing me.
I stumble out of her grip. Heat races to my head, and I spin to face her, nails digging into my hands. “You’ve done nothing but pretend like everything is okay. Your son died, and every day you go around acting like nothing happened!”
Her jaw clenches down, and she gulps as her back becomes rigid.
“You’re always shopping and cleaning and spending time with your friends!” My hand flies wildly into the air. “Why are you okay? Why aren’t you falling apart like the rest of us?”
“He was my baby!” she screams. Her hand flies to her mouth as she catches her breath.
Then, as if I pushed over the first domino, she breaks down.
Her face shatters into a thousand pieces, and her facade melts away.
She blinks away tears and looks off to the side, hugging herself. “He was my baby,” she whispers.
It isn’t enough. I get in her face. “Then why do you act like nothing’s happened? If you loved him, you should be upset. You shouldn’t be packing up his room like he didn’t matter!”
“You don’t think I miss him? It takes every ounce of energy I have left to get out of bed in the morning knowing Ethan won’t be standing in the kitchen.
Do you know how hard it is to deal with a child who doesn’t acknowledge anything you do?
I am so exhausted trying to pretend like I’m okay, but I have to! ”
“Why?” I yell. “Why do you have to? No one wants you to do that! It’s in your head!”
She sucks in a ragged breath. “Do you hear yourself? Ethan never talked to me that way!”
“Why don’t you just say it? I know you want to. Say you wish I died instead of Ethan!”
She slaps my face, sending a jarring pain through my jaw. “Don’t you ever say that again!”
Her eyes immediately widen, and she looks at her hand in horror.
Caleb leaps to my side, tugging me away from Mom. “Let’s go.”
I shake him off, keeping my eyes on Mom, despite the tears filling them. “I hate you.” I turn away, running to the door. “I’m going with Dad.”
Caleb follows close behind. “That’s not what I meant. Please stop, and let’s talk about this.”
I pass Jordy without really seeing him. My shirt slips off my shoulder, and I don’t bother to fix it. I rub my cheek, trying to make the sting go away, even though the emotional damage hurts more than the physical.
“Dad!” I call out.
He isn’t waiting like he’s supposed to. He’s heading to his car that’s parked by the sidewalk. He opens the door without acknowledging the sound of my voice.
I run faster through the yard, my feet sloshing in the wet grass until I’m close enough for the scent of alcohol to fill my senses. I wrap my arms around his waist like I’m a small child again. My hands grip his jacket, and I bury my head into him, muffling my sobs. “Don’t go,” I cry.
He sways, trying to push me away. “Get off.”
I squeeze him tighter. I need him to want me. To need me. To let me be his little girl again.
He pries my arms off and shoves me back, throwing himself off balance. “It’s your fault.” His voice trembles with each word.
I take a step backward. “What did you say?” I ask, my throat drying up.
His eyes are full of so much hatred, and they’re locked on me. He waves his finger in my direction accusingly. “The accident was your fault.”
I shake my head.
My Dad. My friend. My confidant.
He hates me.
My face is hot. I need the pain to stop.
“Ethan is dead because of you!”
My mouth drops open, and my lungs lose all their air as my tears plow down my face.
I can’t breathe. I can’t think. His words echo a million times over. I’m nothing more than a speck of dust in this big world. Worthless. All this time I’ve tried to push the memories of Ethan away because they kept reminding me of the truth. I am the reason Ethan is dead.
“If you hadn’t been in the car that day, he would still be here!”
I bite my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. “Please,” I whisper.
Dad’s tears start to fall, and he turns away, wiping his face on his sleeve. “I can’t look at you anymore.”
My sobs bubble out as my chest heaves. “Dad, please.” I grab on to him again. “You can’t drive right now.”
He jerks away.
“Dad!” He can hate me all he wants, but I can’t let him drive away and end up like Ethan. I take out my phone, barely able to hold on to it from how badly my hands are shaking. “Please, let’s call Uncle Joe.”
“I’m fine!” he yells.
Caleb wedges his way between us, blocking me from doing anything else. “Let me take care of this,” he says, eyes pleading.
Dad starts to get in, but Caleb pulls him back.
“You really shouldn’t be driving right now,” Caleb says. His voice is calm.
Dad swings his arm. “Leave me alone!”
Caleb dodges the blow but doesn’t let go of Dad. He tugs on him harder, forcing him out of the car. “You’re drunk. You can’t drive.”
Dad stumbles back, leaning on the car to stabilize himself. “I’m not drunk.”
Everything moves in slow motion.
Caleb slams the door and blocks Dad from being able to reach the handle.
Dad grabs Caleb by the arm and tries to pull him away.
Caleb wrestles with Dad, blocking every attempt to grab the door handle until Dad has enough. He grabs Caleb by the collar and shoves him back with the full force of his body.
A crack ripples through the air as the back of Caleb’s head hits the car mirror. He crumples to the ground.