Chapter 28
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
I don’t want to go home, but there’s nowhere else to hide. All I want to do is go to bed and disappear. I want my brain to stop spiraling. I want my chest to stop hurting. I want to close my eyes and shut out the whole world.
My uncle's car is in the driveway when I pull up, but the house is quiet. Other than the light coming from the porch, it’s also dark.
It’s almost eerie as I focus on every imperfection—the chipping paint on the shudders, the flower pots with dead plants from summer, the worn-out doormat.
I never noticed until now, but our house is falling apart—just like our family.
I turn the handle and walk in as the door groans.
There’s a small glow from the TV in the living room where Dad and his brother sit on the couch. Neither of them are watching TV. Dad’s head is buried in his hands, and Uncle Joe pats his back. They both look up at the sound of the door.
My heart sinks, taking him in. Dad’s eyes are swollen and red, and for the first time, I see how thin he’s become. He’s at least fifteen pounds lighter than he used to be, and his body is fragile. He’s never been weak before. He’s always been strong—the rock of our family—my rock.
Pain stabs my lungs as I suck in a sharp breath.
What is he now? He blames me for Ethan’s death. He hates me. Even more, he wanted to abandon me. Some might argue it was the alcohol talking, but I know the alcohol only made him say the things he’s been holding back.
Dad stands and approaches me. I tense and resist the urge to curl in on myself. His stance is straight, no longer wobbling in every direction. His misty eyes plead with me, saying more than anything coming from his mouth. “It was a mistake. I–I didn’t mean. It just happened.”
He pulls me into a hug. I let his arms wrap around me, but I don’t hug him back.
He cries, head resting on the top of mine. “Please. I don’t want to be a bad father. Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”
I’ve wanted a hug from him for so long, but not like this. It’s tainted by his betrayal. If he cared about me, if he was really sorry, he wouldn’t keep doing this. He’d stop the drinking. He wants me to tell him he’s a good father, but I can’t. He isn’t. Not right now, anyway.
I push him away.
“Becca, please—”
“You need help. Until you get it, stay away from me.”
His face crumbles further. He reaches out to me. “Please.”
I shake my head and slowly move toward the stairs, leaving him behind.
He’s not the only one who can abandon someone.
The second I lock my door, my back slides against it until I’m on the floor tucking in my knees to my chest. I pull at my hair, wanting to scream, but only silent sobs pour out of me. My breathing quickens, and I dig my nails into my skin to distract myself from the pain in my head.
Why do I deserve this?
What did I do that was so bad?
My phone lights up in my dark room, and Caleb’s contact picture fills the screen. I want to pick it up. I want to hear his voice. I want to be told that everything is going to be okay, even if it’s a lie.
I know better.
Instead, I send the dreaded text.
Me:
I can’t do this anymore. We should break up.
I power my phone off. The text told him everything he needs to know. If I answer the phone, he might talk me out of it, and I’ll never forgive myself if I’m the reason my dad goes to jail. I’ve ruined my family enough already.
They’d probably be better off without me. Everyone would be.
Those thoughts get stuck in my head on repeat, growing louder and louder. I want them to shut up, but they don’t stop until I’ve cried myself to sleep.
There’s a tap.
Then another.
The third one is when I realize it isn’t in my dream. It’s coming from the window.
I rub my eyes, but it doesn't make it any easier to see because my room is pitch black. It’s the middle of the night. When I pull back my curtains, the glow from the moon seeps in, and my eyes adjust.
Down below, someone is standing in our yard with a bandage wrapped around their head.
Caleb.
I step back, quickly closing the curtains.
My head pounds as I rub the temples on either side of my head.
The rocks start flying again, tapping the glass harder each time. Caleb starts yelling my name.
I tear the curtains away and open the window. “Are you trying to wake up everyone in the neighborhood?”
“I need to talk to you,” he says.
“What are you even doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?”
“I snuck out because I needed to see you.”
It's a strange angle to be looking down at him. His head is bent back as he looks up at me. Normally, it’s the other way around.
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“I’m not leaving until you come down here.”
Why is he making this so hard? It isn’t fair. I’m not sure how much more I can handle.
“Why are you doing this?”
Here it is. He’s going to try and talk me out of breaking up with him.
He’s going to give me a million reasons why we should be together.
If I tell him the real reason we have to break up, he’ll try and convince me that he can change his mom’s mind.
Either that or it’ll ruin their relationship, and I’m not ruining another family.
I’ve already destroyed mine, and that’s enough.
“I need to make sure you’re okay,” he says.
“What?” My mouth parts in shock.
“I need to see with my own two eyes that you’re okay.” He steps closer to the house. “Either you come down, or I’m going to find a way to climb up there.”
“Don’t you dare. You have a concussion.” I step back and grab my jacket off my chair. I drape it over my shoulders.
I know better than to go down there, but I find myself walking toward the door.
It’s dark and quiet. Dad left with Uncle Joe at some point, and Mom is in bed. She knocked on my door when she got home, but I didn’t reply. She usually knocks more than once, but not last night. Last night, she gave up.
I don’t know why that hurts. That’s what I wanted, isn’t it? For her to leave me alone?
I shake the thought out of my mind and pause at the bottom of the stairs. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves before walking outside.
A cool breeze brushes against my skin, sending a shiver through me.
At the bottom of the porch is Caleb.
My Caleb.
His skin is still pale, but his eyes are full of life and worry.
I walk down the porch steps, meeting him in the grass. I can’t hold his gaze. Mine falters, and I tug on my sleeves until they cover my palms.
“I don’t believe you,” he says, a sense of urgency pulling at his words. “I know you don’t want to break up. Something else is going on. I know you.”
My cheeks warm and tears build at the brim of my eyes, but I control them. I don’t let them fall. “You’re wrong. I already told you I can’t do this anymore.”
He rocks on his heels, rubbing the back of his neck. “Want to know what I think? I think you’re scared, and you’re trying to run away because you blame yourself for me getting hurt.”
I roll my watery eyes. “You shouldn’t even be here.”
He steps closer, gently hooking his finger under my chin and raising it so I have no choice but to look at him. “I won’t believe you want to break up until you say it to my face. Because I—” his voice cracks, breathless. “I love you.”
He loves me.
I want to be loved so badly, to be needed, but his words gouge a hole into my heart. The blade in my heart twists until I’m lifeless. He’s only fingertips away, but he’s untouchable.
He can’t be mine anymore.
My tears spill over, and he wipes them away. His hand lingers on my cheek. Please don’t.
His dark eyes drink me in. “I just need you to know I love you. You make me feel whole. You are all I think about every second of every day. But . . . I love you enough to let you go if that’s really what you want.” He tucks my bangs behind my ear. “So tell me, is that really what you want?”
I want him to hold me tight and never let me go.
I bite my cheek, trying to stop crying. “I’m sorry,” I whisper through sobs. My shoulders shake, and I hug my middle as my stomach knots up. “I need you to go.”
Caleb’s face falls.
Part of me wants him to stand his ground. To tell me no. But I know that won’t happen. Caleb is a people pleaser. If I tell him to go, he will.
“I’m so sorry,” I cry.
There’s an awkward silence. Neither one of us says anything. I know I should leave, but I can’t seem to move. I want to scream. To throw up. To pull my hair out.
Why can’t things ever go my way?
Caleb hesitates, but then he puts his arms around me, hugging me. “It’s okay,” he whispers.
I want to grab on to his jacket and pull him closer. I want to rest my head on his shoulder as he holds the broken pieces of me together. But it doesn’t matter what I want . . .
He steps back, bangs falling into his eyes. This time, he doesn’t bother to fix them. It would only reveal the tears he’s trying to hold back. “I’ll go.”
As he walks away, a part of me goes with him. The part that made my world bearable.