Chapter 46
DRED
Heartbreak gets two thumbs down from me. Moving back into my apartment feels simultaneously right and wrong. And it is mine now; I own it. It’s a wedding gift I won’t part with.
I nearly had a heart attack when the cleaning woman let herself in while I was in the shower crying my heart out an hour ago.
Apparently Connor has had someone come in every other week to dust and vacuum, like he was ready for this.
Like he expected me to leave eventually.
Because he believed I wouldn’t want to stay.
And now here I am, heart in tatters, frustrated and angry that he pushed me to make this decision because of his own fears.
There’s a knock at my door, and then it swings open because I’ve left the security latch off for Flip. He’s laden with grocery bags and a huge tub of ice cream.
I burst into tears.
He sets the groceries and ice cream on the closest surface and opens his arms. I fall into them and sob all over his shirt.
“I’m sorry.” He heaves a sigh. “I’ll kick his ass, if you want.”
“Maybe…” I hiccup.
He lifts me so my feet are dangling and carries me over to the couch.
Once I’m arranged in a not-awkward position, I continue sobbing into his shirt.
For the briefest moment, I wish my feelings for him weren’t solely platonic.
Flip is broken too, but at least I know that he loves me, even if it isn’t the kind that dreams are made of.
When I can finally take a full breath, and I’m not hiccupping my way through every attempt at speaking, Flip grabs us both a drink, piles two bowls with half-melted ice cream, and settles in next to me, letting me hug his arm.
Before I can explain everything, there’s another knock on the door. “Hello?” Rix’s questioning lilt filters down the hall.
“Maybe Flip’s checking on the place,” Tristan says.
“We’re in here!” I call out.
Tristan and Rix appear in the living room a few seconds later, Tristan carrying several containers, likely filled with Flip’s weekly food-plan items.
Rix’s eyes go wide. “Dred? What happened? Are you okay?”
“Connor and I are over.”
“What? Why? But he’s so in love with you.” She wraps me in her arms.
Flip gets two more bowls of ice cream, and they join us in the living room for sad story time.
“I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me, but he refuses to own his feelings,” I explain.
Flip nods slowly. “Do you want to start from the beginning? Because usually people marry each other after they fall in love, not before.”
That he’s made it this long not knowing the whole story speaks to how amazing he is as a best friend. And the rest of my friends showed up for me too, the whole time.
So I start from the beginning—with Callie’s hockey games and Connor coming to the library looking for Meems’s books, me putting together who she was and how connected I already felt to her before Connor proposed the arrangement to alleviate the possibility of me losing my apartment, and then signing the contract.
Tristan arches a brow. “You signed a contract to marry him?”
I explain the parameters.
Flip’s expression darkens. “You know I would have helped you with the apartment, and I wouldn’t have made you sign anything.”
Tristan and Rix share a look.
“What’s that about?” Flip motions between them. “You can’t tell me you think what he did was okay.”
“We both stood to gain something,” I reason.
“Connor did a lot more at our wedding than just fix the accommodations,” Rix says.
“What do you mean?” Flip asks.
“My mother showed up,” Tristan explains.
My eyes widen. “What? When?” Tristan hasn’t seen his mother since she abandoned their family when he was twelve.
“The day before the wedding. I didn’t see her, but Nate did.
I wasn’t there, but Essie and Nate explained what happened after the wedding.
Connor paid her off. He gave her three million dollars to stay out of our lives.
He made her sign a contract, too, saying she’ll have to pay it back if she ever tries to contact one of us again.
And he refuses to accept any form of repayment. ”
“He said it was our wedding gift,” Rix adds.
“Wow.” Flip runs a hand through his hair. “That’s…wow.”
This absolutely sounds like something Connor would do, especially considering the circumstances. I let my head flop back against the couch cushions. More tears fall. “This just makes what’s happened so much worse.” I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“Maybe he’s scared, like I was?” Tristan offers.
I nod, and Flip hands me a tissue.
Tristan and Rix stay for a few more minutes, but then leave me and Flip to talk with a promise to call later.
“I wish you’d come to me with this, Dred.” Flip’s sadness is written all over his face.
I set my ice cream soup aside, taking his warm hand in my cold one.
“But you understand why I couldn’t ask that.
Even if we didn’t want it to, it would’ve changed our relationship.
I couldn’t take that risk. Our friendship is too important.
Connor felt…like a safe person to make that arrangement with.
He loves his Meems so much, and I love her too.
I thought I could play the role and keep my heart out of it. ”
“But that changed for both of you.”
“At first I thought… I thought he was just doing these things to make me happy because it made his Meems happy. It made sense. The more content he kept me, the more real it would look to everyone else, right?”
He nods. “It definitely looked real by the time you got to the wedding.”
“I started sleeping with him after the wedding,” I admit.
“And then…I started sleeping with him. I moved into his bedroom. It felt like we were building a life together. He brought the twins to the house for Christmas for me. And I wanted to keep them forever. I wanted what was happening to be real, Flip. I wanted those kids to be ours. I wanted Meems to be mine, too. I wanted to be loved, and love back and not have it all taken away.” I break down again, tears rolling down my cheeks, dropping onto his shirt and my hands.
“But he was so cruel. So needlessly, painfully cruel. And it hurts so much, because I know he’s a good person, and I know he feels the same way about me as I do about him.
He just can’t admit it. He ruined it all out of fear, and I’m in pieces all over again, afraid I’ll never be able to put myself back together. ”
Flip wraps his arms around me and rocks me, like I’m a child and he’s the parent I never had, but always wanted. We wear so many hats for each other—best friend, mother, father, confidant, champion, therapist, cheerleader, ass-kicker.
“Tell me I won’t feel like this forever,” I cry. “Tell me it won’t hurt like this for the rest of my life.”
“It won’t feel like this forever.” He kisses the top of my head. “But it will hurt for a while—at least until he gets his head out of his ass. And maybe even for a while after that.”
“What if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass? I feel so stupid for falling in love.”
Flip stops rocking. “For one, you’re not stupid, Dred. You’re one of the smartest people I know, so be nice to my best friend or else.”
I huff a laugh and give him a look. “I fell for your nemesis.”
“I hate that he’s hurt you. I hate that he’s actually a nice guy behind all the bullshit.
I hate that his fear reaction is to be cruel.
And I hate that I might end up breaking his face because he’s too much of a numpty to own his feelings for you.
But of course you fell for the guy everyone loves to tear down who also just wants to make his grandma happy.
He did everything in his power to try to make you happy, too.
We all saw it. I saw it. It would be hard not to like him for that.
” He shrugs. “Plus you have wicked chemistry.”
“So I’m not losing my mind? He has feelings for me?”
Flip nods. “Like you said, he just doesn’t know how to handle them, and he’s being an idiot.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help,” I whisper.
“Me too, but I understand why you didn’t.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder and squeezes me. “I wish my shit hadn’t gotten in the way of that. Then maybe your heart wouldn’t be broken.”
“I guess you and I get to be divorcees together, huh?” I joke.
He huffs a humorless laugh. “There’s some real irony here, isn’t there? I married Fiona in secret, thinking we would spend our lives together, and all she wanted was the money. You and Connor got married based on a contract but ended up falling for real.”
“And here we both are.”
“Here we both are,” he agrees.
Flip married his high school sweetheart in his last semester of university.
He was headed for the pros after graduation.
They’d dated in high school and had broken up when they went to different universities, but they’d reconnected in their final year.
He loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
They’d kept their marriage a secret, not wanting their parents to talk them into waiting until they’d graduated.
And then a few months in, Flip realized she was only in it for the lifestyle it would afford her.
It was an expensive, painful lesson—one he learned on his own.
I’m the only person who knows. Not even Tristan or his sister are aware that he was married, or that he basically handed Fiona his first year’s salary to get her out of his life.
“I want a family, Flip.”
“I’m your family.”
“I want kids, though. I love being an aunty to Callie and Fee, and to Lexi and Roman’s little one who will be here soon, and all the other Terror babies that are yet to come.
But I want my own kids. They don’t have to be biologically mine.
I wanted to keep the twins so badly at Christmas.
For a moment I imagined I could.” I believed Connor and I could.
“But what if I’m too broken to be good for them? ”
“You’re not. You’re an incredible, resilient, amazing person, and you have so much love to give,” he assures me.
“I also have actual savings now. I donated some of it to the library and a few charities, but most of the money is still there.” It’s socked away into investments and GICs because I didn’t know what else to do with it.
“We can talk to Rix,” Flip says. “She’ll help you with the financial side.”
“I started the foster parent application process last year. I didn’t have the finances to support it then, but I do now.
I know Victor and Everly will age out in the next few years, but I could still love them.
I could be their soft place to land. I can give them a home they can always come back to. ”
Flip hugs me. “You would be great for them. Tell me how I can help, and I’ll do everything in my power to make this happen for you.”