Chapter 47
CONNOR
I’d gotten used to feeling like part of the team, but now I’m back where I started when I first joined the Terror. On the outs. The problem.
Madden has been firing eyeball daggers at me the entire practice.
Even Stiles and Bright, who usually don’t take sides, are stonewalling me.
Coach Vander Zee seems to think my on-ice issues have everything to do with the Grace family scandal that’s making headlines.
My mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and has been staying with Portia and Bryson.
Isabelle has gone into hiding and refuses to leave the house.
I wish I was less surprised by the whole thing.
It’s not as high on my radar as it should be, though, because my own life is in shambles.
My teammates know, but other than Meems, my family is unaware.
Even Romero is pissed. “You’re your own worst enemy, man,” he grumbles as we head to the locker room after a messy practice.
“I know.” Meems spelled that out for me yesterday, and I’ve had the past twenty-four hours to think about how right she is.
“You need to figure your shit out,” Ryker adds.
“I know.”
Ryker sighs and shakes his head.
He and Romero are the only two people on the team still talking to me, and nothing they have to say is kind. It’s also not untrue.
I keep my mouth shut as we strip out of our gear.
Coach Vander Zee comes in and reads us the riot act, then asks to see me in his office.
I nod and close my eyes a moment. If I get traded again, it’ll be my own damn fault.
And it’ll mean I won’t be close to Meems anymore.
But if I end up on the other side of the country, Mildred won’t have to deal with me, and maybe that would be better for her.
I’m still sitting on the bench, spinning worst-case scenarios and hating myself, when Madden appears in my peripheral vision. We’re both in boxer briefs. The rest of the team is in the showers.
“You’re a fucking asshole,” he informs me.
“Yup.”
“I know what you did for Tristan and Rix at their wedding.”
I shrug. “My family owns half the hotels in Aruba. If I hadn’t done it, I would have been an even bigger asshole than I already am.”
Flip crosses his arms. “I mean with his mother.”
That gets my attention. “He wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about that.”
“Well, he told me, and Dred knows, too. That was an amazing thing to do, you fucking dickbag.”
“The wedding would have been ruined otherwise.” I scrub a hand down my face. “I could have done the same thing for Mildred, you know. I could have just stepped in and paid off the debt for her, no questions asked.”
“She wouldn’t have accepted the money.”
“But I could have fixed the entire problem without her even realizing I’d done it. I could have made it go away like that.” I snap my fingers. “But I didn’t. I locked her into a contract. I made her mine.”
Flip hauls off and punches me in the face. Like I wanted him to. I see stars, and the ache is immediate and vicious.
“You should do that again,” I goad. “It’ll make you feel better.”
“Push my buttons all you want.” He shakes out his hand.
“But the only reason you’re doing it is because you hate yourself, and you want someone else to take away the emotional hurt you’ve caused by distracting you with physical pain.
You locked Dred into a contract because you wanted her.
Not to piss me off—although I’m sure that gave you a little thrill—but because you actually liked her, and it was the most logical way in your messed-up brain to have her.
Man the fuck up, Connor. Take some responsibility for yourself.
” His eyes are on fire, and he looks particularly wrathful.
“You broke my best friend’s heart. I know you’ve got your fair share of issues, and your family is a mess right now, but what you did to Dred is un-fucking-forgivable. ”
My stomach bottoms out with that statement. “She’s better off without me.”
He sneers at me. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
So many things. “Mildred is kind and good and all the things I’m not. She’ll get sick of me and my messes. I’m not good enough for her, and I sure as fuck don’t deserve her. Especially not her heart.”
Flip’s lip curls, and his expression shifts to irritation. “First of all, everything you’ve done, however convoluted and backwards, says something completely different. Secondly, you don’t get to decide who my best friend deserves to love or what choices she makes.”
I frown. Of all the reactions he could have, this is the last one I expected. More shots to the face, yes, but not him defending her feelings for me.
“Don’t be a fucking idiot, Connor. Dred is loyal to the core and the most amazing person.
You want her back? Figure out a way to undo the damage you did when you decided shredding her heart was the best way to keep your own safe.
She has been hurt by so many people.” All his anger turns to anguish.
He takes a moment to center himself. “By the people who were supposed to keep her safe, who were supposed to love her the most. And despite all the shit she’s endured, she is still one of the best people I know.
Own your stupidity, and find a way to take yourself off that list.”
He leaves me sitting on the bench, eviscerated.
But he’s right, about all of it. And I added myself to the list of people who have hurt her. I need to fix that—to prove to her and to myself that I’m nothing like my father. That I can love her the way she deserves. That I can take care of her heart, if she’s willing to give me a second chance.
I wait until the rest of the team is out of the showers before I step in. When I’m done, I head up to see Coach Vander Zee. He’s alone in his office when I arrive. He looks tired.
“Have a seat, Connor.”
I take the chair across from him.
He tents his hands, pointer fingers touching. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better.”
He squints, eyes going to my jaw. I know from the mirror in the locker room that it’s already turning purple. “What happened to your face?”
“Just clumsy.”
He arches a brow. “That’s the story you’re going with?”
“Yup.”
He sighs. “The issue with your family must be stressful on top of everything else.”
I shrug. “I have bigger problems.”
“I heard that things aren’t so good at home.”
“From Coach Forrest-Hammer?”
“Yeah.”
“Did she happen to mention how Mildred is doing?” I ask.
“That’s a conversation you should probably have with Lexi, or possibly your wife,” he offers. “I don’t know the story, and I don’t need to, but if you need time off the ice to sort out your personal issues, we can arrange that.”
“I don’t know that time off will fix this,” I admit. It certainly won’t make things with my teammates better.
“You’ve had a lot thrown at you this season.” He doesn’t elaborate. Just lets it hang there.
“Yeah,” I agree. But I made my own bed.
He sighs. “Look, Connor, you’re an excellent player—better than your stats suggest. We brought you to this team because we see the potential in you, and up until last week, this season has been the best of your career.
The pressure can be intense, especially when you have conflict coming at you from all sides.
You worked your ass off to get here, just like the rest of these boys.
I know you’ve felt the need to prove yourself, not just to the team, but to everyone else, too.
I don’t envy your position, or what you deal with off the ice.
But when shit goes sideways, it’s easy to get caught in the spiral and let it pull you down.
If someone offers you a hand, take it, because it can be the difference between staying in the hole you dug or finding a way out. ”
I nod. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I’m trying to figure it out.”
“Just take the time, if you need it.”
“Thanks, Coach. I’ll let you know, okay?”
“Okay. Rest up. We’ve got a big game tomorrow.”
I leave his office and head down the hall to Lexi’s. My palms are sweaty by the time I knock on her open door.
She looks up from her computer screen, but doesn’t speak.
“Can I talk to you?”
She motions to the chair across from her.
“As Lexi and not my coach,” I clarify.
She nods.
I cross the room and take the offered seat. “Have you talked to Mildred?”
“Yes.”
“How is she?”
She crosses her arms. “How do you think she is?”
I drop my head, focusing on my wedding band. “I really messed this up.”
“In full Connor form, you absolutely did.” Lexi rubs her belly. “What is it that you’re trying to ask?”
“I don’t know. I just…I want to know if she’s okay.”
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Then what would make you think she is?” She shifts in her chair, like she’s struggling to get comfortable.
She’s due soon, so I imagine there isn’t a whole lot of room left for that kid or her internal organs.
“You can’t mine me for information about Dred,” she says after a moment.
“She is my best friend, and I have to protect her and keep her confidence. I’m in a unique position in that I know the details of your arrangement.
I also know that the parameters changed drastically over the past several months.
You had choices, Connor, ones that could have had a very different result.
I think you need to ask yourself why you chose to hurt someone you love in this way, instead of being honest about your feelings.
” The furrow in her brow deepens, and she holds up a hand.
I jump out of my chair. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just…I had Braxton Hicks earlier in the week. It’s probably the same thing again.”
“Shit. I’m stressing you out.”
She shakes her head. “I’m fine. I’m just really pregnant.”
“Why don’t I drive you home?”
She grimaces and rubs her belly.
“Please, Lexi. Let me do this for you.”
“Yeah, okay. That would be good.” She pushes herself to standing. “Let me just get my stuff together.”
I help Lexi with her things and walk her to the elevator.
I’m struck by the fact that these people who love Mildred and have her best interest at heart aren’t shutting me out the way I did her.
And they’re also not pouncing on my weakness the way my father would.
Instead they’re reaching to pull me out of the hole I dug.
And doesn’t that tell me everything I need to know about the woman I married?
She is loved and beloved, and she and everyone around her want to show me I can be too.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime gift, and it’s my turn to step up and prove that I deserve it.
When the elevator arrives at our floor, Romero and Ryker step out.
“Everything okay?” Romero asks, putting his hand over the sensor to keep the doors from closing.
“Yeah, just Braxton Hicks.” Lexi rubs her belly like she’s trying to make a genie appear. “Connor’s driving me home.”
“You want one of us to follow in your car?” Romero offers.
“It’s fine. I’ll come back and get it once Lexi is settled, but thanks.” I follow Lexi into the elevator.
“Message if you need any help,” Romero says.
“Thanks, man.” I give him a chin tip and press the button for the parking garage.
The doors slide closed, and Lexi leans against the railing. “The rest of the team will come around.”
“I’m used to being on the outs.”
Her eyes narrow on my jaw. “What happened to your face?”
“Flip and I had a discussion.”
“With your fists?”
“I deserved it.”
She sighs and continues rubbing her belly. “I really hope this doesn’t send you back to last-season-style conflict.”
“He’s pissed that I’ve messed up my life and his best friend’s, but his focus is on the team.”
She grimaces and grips the rail.
“Let’s not talk about this. I feel like it’s causing you unnecessary stress. Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to the hospital?”
She shakes her head. “My water hasn’t even broken. I’m better off at home. Thanks, though.”
We walk out to her car, and I get her settled in the passenger seat for the drive to her and Roman’s place. Once she’s upstairs, I make sure she’s comfortable. “You sure you don’t want me to stick around until Roman gets home?” I ask.
“He’ll be home in an hour. I’m just going to clean the cupboards or something.”
“Shouldn’t you be resting?”
She shrugs. “I feel better when I’m moving around. Thanks for the ride, though.”
“No problem.” I open the door.
“Connor.”
I look back over my shoulder.
“The first step to cleaning up the mess you made is to reach out to Dred.”
“I know.”
I need to prove to myself and Mildred that I will never hurt her like this again. That I won’t let my fears get in the way of my love for her.