Chapter 48
DRED
“Connor’s here.” Everly’s nails are digging into my arm.
She’s been halfway in my lap since we arrived at the hospital over an hour ago. Apparently Connor drove Lexi home sometime after practice, and a couple hours later she realized her Braxton-Hicks contractions were actual labor.
I offered to drop Everly and Victor off at the group home—explaining that babies come in their own time and we’d likely be hanging around the hospital for a lot of hours—but they said they’d rather be with me, so here we are.
I have a feeling they wanted to come partly because they hoped Connor would show up.
Since leaving Connor, I’ve been surrounded by my friends—particularly Roman, Lexi, and Callie, who have very much become my family too—and the twins have been like shadows.
In my downtime, I’ve been fully immersed in gala preparation and working towards getting myself on the foster parent list. Thankfully those two things have kept me preoccupied.
I haven’t told Everly and Victor yet, because I don’t want to set them up for disappointment if it doesn’t pan out, but my happiness eggs are fully in this basket.
There’s no adequate way to prepare for the way it feels to see Connor in three dimensions.
I’m sad and angry that he can’t own his feelings.
My heart aches with the loss and races with longing.
I wish I could magically erase everything that’s happened between us since Christmas, when the best news for Meems signaled the beginning of the end for us.
Callie stands to rush over to say hi to Connor, but then turns back to me, which breaks my already shattered heart even more. She’s seen me crying over Connor. Now she doesn’t know what to think. But I nod to her, and she runs the rest of the way to him.
He opens his arms, and she throws hers around him.
“Why isn’t Callie mad at him?” Everly rubs her face on my arm, like a cat looking for comfort.
“They have a different relationship.”
“Does it make you upset that she’s hugging him?” There’s real longing in her voice that matches what’s in my heart.
“No, it doesn’t make me upset.” He’s always felt like an island. I’d rather not contribute to that. “You should go talk to him.”
“Why doesn’t he come over here and talk to you?” She presses her cheek harder against my arm.
“He probably wants to be respectful.” That’s easier to swallow than him truly being incapable of doing so. “Lexi is my friend, but Connor is also friends with the team and Roman and Lexi,” I explain. “It’s complicated for us, but it doesn’t have to be complicated for you.”
“Why can’t things just go back to the way they were?”
“I wish it was that simple, sweetheart.” I lean my cheek against the top of her head. “Go say hi. He’s been asking about you.”
“He has?”
“Yup. He asked Lexi how you’re doing, so now you can tell him yourself.”
“I’m mad at him, though.”
“You can be upset and still want to talk to him.”
She rolls her bottom lip between her teeth. “Will you be upset?”
“No, not at all. It would make me feel better if you went over there, actually, because I know you’re missing him and he’s missing you, and there’s no need to keep feeling that way when you’re both right here.”
“Okay.” She drags herself out of the chair, but looks over her shoulder at me twice as she crosses to him.
Victor watches her from the other side of the waiting room where he’s playing cards with Dallas and Flip. He’ll be less likely to approach Connor out of loyalty to me.
All of Lexi’s closest people, who are also the ones most upset with Connor, are here. It says a lot that he’s willing to brave the angry masses to show his face.
Rix drops into the chair next to mine. “How you doing?”
“My heart is pretty beat up,” I admit.
“Have you talked at all?”
I shake my head.
“Maybe today should be the day.”
“Maybe.” My chest constricts as Everly’s hands start flailing while she explains something to Connor.
Victor is the stoic one who keeps his emotions on lock, while Everly lets all of hers out. Everly feels very much like her parents have broken up, and it’s the same for me. I turned four pieces into a whole in my head, and I’m drifting between sad and angry at the loss.
“I just don’t get why you haven’t talked! How can you solve anything if you don’t? You can’t make me feel like I finally have a family and then take it all away! It’s not fair!” Everly bursts into tears, and Connor wraps his arms around her.
She sags into him, sobbing against his chest. My poor glued-together heart threatens to turn into pieces again. Connor glances at me over her shoulder and the sadness in his eyes almost does me in.
He holds her while she cries.
Like a father would.
Like my partner would.
Like the man I fell in love with would.
I ache with the desire to go to them, to comfort her, too.
But they need this moment, where she falls apart, and he shows her he cares.
I want our feelings for each other to be big enough to get past this, but I also need him to see what happens when he shuts out the people who love him.
The consequences are real, and vast and painful.
I need him to find the place where he’s ready to own the hurt he caused. Maybe seeing the impact on Everly—a girl without a family, who for a moment in time believed maybe she could have one—will help give him the clarity he needs.
I excuse myself to the bathroom, because I’m on the verge of tears. When I come out, Everly drapes herself over my back like a weighted human blanket. “I miss him.”
“Me too.”
“He misses us, too. He misses you.”
When I look up, Connor moves toward us, and his eyes find mine. I see the regret written all over his gorgeous, forlorn face. His hand lifts, and for a moment I think he’ll reach out and touch me. Ground me. Ease the ache in my heart. But he doesn’t.
I wish love didn’t come with thorns.
Roman appears in the doorway, and all eyes move to him. His wide smile tells us the most important thing. Lexi and Roman are parents.
“We have a brand-new baby girl!” he announces.
Hammer is the first to hug him, and then everyone converges, smiling and laughing and congratulating. It’s a beautiful moment, and my heart fills with happiness for him and Lexi and her sisters. They deserve this opportunity to feel whole.
But the piece of me that longs for my own family aches, and I wonder if I’ll ever have a heart full of my own happiness, and not just joy for the people around me.