Chapter 50
DRED
It takes another half an hour before Connor can get back to me through the throng of photographers and excited library staff. He looks beautiful, regal, uncertain, and hopeful. Meems is on his arm.
“Hi, Mildred.” My name from his lips makes my heart ache.
“Hi, Connor.” So much has changed since Connor proposed that contract—my life upended, I lived a fairy tale, my heart has been broken, and my resilience tested. “Hi, Meems.”
“My sweet girl.” She wraps her arms around me and gives me the kind of hug that makes me want to weep.
“Thank you for that generous donation.”
“It was all Connor.” She winks. “I’m heading home.”
“Should I walk you out?” Connor asks.
“Absolutely not.” She holds our hands. “You two need to talk.” She kisses me on the cheek, then does the same with Connor. Dallas swoops in to escort her to her car, where a driver should be waiting.
Connor tugs at the collar of his shirt. “I promise I didn’t orchestrate that.”
“Meems does what she wants,” I reply. “And that was quite the amazing contribution you made on behalf of your family.”
“I want your programs to run without you having to spend all your spare time writing proposals, and I want my mother and sisters to have peace, and Meems to be able to focus on her health instead of family drama.”
“What about what you want?”
“I’m working on that.” He clears his throat and tucks his hand in his pocket.
“I’d love to talk. I understand if now isn’t the best time, or maybe you need more time, or maybe you’ll never be ready to talk…
But, uh, if you find you are, I would love to apologize.
” He swallows. “And tell you how I feel about you.”
I don’t want to hand my heart over just to have it battered again, but I can’t ignore the glimmer of hope this offers. And anyway, I can’t move forward if we don’t deal with the fallout. “We can talk.”
Hope softens his features. “Now? Or would later be better?”
“We can talk now.” I’d rather do it here, on my turf, where my friends are close and so are his teammates in case I need someone’s shoulder to sob on.
He follows me into the hall. I poke my head into one of the storage rooms. There are empty boxes and supplies everywhere, but it’s private and we won’t be interrupted, so I usher him inside.
He glances around. There’s nowhere to sit, and we can’t really give each other much space.
He rubs the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry.”
I cross my arms and wait, because I need to hear what he’s sorry for.
“I was horrible to you.”
“You absolutely were,” I agree.
“You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
“I didn’t.”
“There is no excuse for how cruel I was, no reason that could ever justify why I shut you out the way I did. But I’ll try to explain.
” He takes a deep breath. “I self-sabotaged out of fear, and I had no right to take those fears out on you. You’ve been nothing but kind, and soft, and empathetic, and I didn’t meet you halfway.
I didn’t meet you at all, and I wish so badly that I could take it all back, but I can’t.
I can only tell you that I see what I did and the hurt it’s caused you, and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making up for it. ”
I hug myself, my emotions on the edge of unraveling. I want to believe what he’s saying, but I’m terrified to put my faith in him, in us.
“How can I trust that you won’t just shut down on me like that again? What happens when there’s another situation with your family?” Or heaven forbid, the day we actually lose Meems. “I can’t be on the outside of your spiral, Connor. I can’t give my heart to you if you’ll keep mistreating it.”
He nods, throat bobbing. “I see what’s been done to you, and what I did to you, and I promise that I will never let my self-loathing take over my love for you again.
Because that’s exactly what I let happen.
I didn’t put us first the way I should have.
I can’t undo the past, but I love you, Mildred, more than I ever thought possible.
And I will never make you feel unwanted again. ”
Tears rise, cresting on a wave of joy and hope and deep uncertainty. I want those words to be enough, but I need him to live that and not just tell me. And that will take time.
“You pressed your fingers into a wound I’ve carried with me my entire life.
You cannot do something like that to me ever again.
I won’t accept it. I won’t allow it, and I won’t stay for someone who uses my weaknesses against me, unintentionally or not.
I don’t want a husband who is cruel. I’d rather be alone. ”
Shame washes over his face, along with deep sadness and heartbreaking acknowledgment.
He’s owning this. All of it. “You deserve to feel cherished every day, Mildred. I know how fortunate I am to be able to love you, and if you give me a chance, I promise I will never risk losing you or take your amazing heart for granted again.”
Connor pushes his sleeve up and peels several bracelets from his wrist. He skims the back of my hand and I flip my palm over as fragile hope blossoms in my chest. He’s speaking my language, showing me with actions that he understands his error as he places the first one in my palm, then the next and the next.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
I miss you.
I finger the delicate beads, my chest aching even as small pieces of my heart start to mend.
“I want the best of you, Connor. I see everything you have to give.” The way he’s been showing up for the people he cares about, being there for Everly at Ariel’s birth, standing up to his father tonight, finding a way to make things better instead of giving in to the worst side of himself—those are acts of selflessness, and that’s the man I fell for.
“I just want you. But you have to give me all of you, not just pieces. And not just sometimes.”
He rubs the back of his neck and drops his head. “I didn’t want you to see all the bad parts.”
“There are no bad parts.” I move closer and tuck a finger under his chin so his steel eyes meet mine.
He’s so forlorn. The fallen prince, used to being told he’s not good enough.
“But I deserve the man who gives because it’s the right thing to do, and who will do anything to make the people he loves happy, because it makes you happy too. That’s who I fell in love with.”
He curves his fingers around mine. “I want to be the man you play board games with, who reads to you while you’re in the tub, who you wake up beside every day, and spend your holidays with. I just want the chance to show you I can be the husband and partner you deserve.”
I want this. I want him. I want the life I saw unfolding before fear got in the way. But I’m going to be cautious.
“Why don’t we start with a date?”