Chapter 11
11
I smile at Bella as she sips an unappealing juice that is brighter than the well-maintained lawn outside. While I might aspire to improve my health, I prefer smaller steps, such as eating plants instead of drinking them.
‘Don’t worry. I haven’t made cocktails for two,’ Bella says and smiles as if she’s reading my mind.
She’s only been living here for three weeks but we already seem to know each other well.
‘Thank goodness. It was traumatic enough binge-watching that old Love Island series with you over the weekend – it’s enough, at the moment, to have my taste in television challenged, thanks very much.’
She gives me a grin that exudes inclusiveness and understanding.
‘You enjoyed every minute. Don’t tell me you didn’t.’
She flashes her white teeth again and turns away to wash up before leaving for the spa where she works. That’s one of the many things I like about her – she constantly does the dishes, tidies and vacuums.
‘Want me to make chicken stir fry tonight?’ she asks.
‘That would be great. Thanks. And I’ll make the dairy-free rice pudding you showed me on that website for afterwards.’ Bella has introduced me to healthier cuisine. And no one’s more surprised than me to say I now do three runs a week. They are only short and I’m dripping with perspiration afterwards, but she promised the adrenaline high would make me feel much better. Despite today’s aching limbs, she was right.
Hugo is baffled later on as I pass him on the way out of work.
‘Violet Vaughan,’ he calls, ‘what is your secret?’
Blushing, I head over.
‘Is there a special pill I can take to get your bright eyes and skin?’
‘I wish,’ I say and grimace. ‘It’s the result of several tortuous jogs.’
‘You? Running?’ Gym fan Hugo laughs. ‘Well, all I can say is that as time passes, it looks as if your life without Lenny is the best thing that could have happened.’
Even though, in that moment, I beam and lift my chin, I’m still getting used to compliments about my appearance.
‘You know, Hugo, you could have been right about Beatrix,’ I say, changing the subject. ‘I should have listened.’
He puts down his pen. ‘You mean it’s not simply lust that’s brought Lenny and her together?’
‘Have you heard of Alien Hearts ?’
‘Get with the programme, mate – that’s old news. I just wish Wilde’s agent would hurry up and submit it.’
‘Lenny let Beatrix have a sneak peek for her new Out There Stories imprint. She’s desperate to sign Casey Wilde. That could be why she’s interested in him.’
Hugo doesn’t respond. Doesn’t say I told you so . Instead he stands up and his long arms stretch over the desk. As best as he can, Hugo gives me a hug. ‘Then it looks as if Lenny is going to get what he deserves. In my experience, cheaters usually do.’
I head home, whistling one of my flatmate’s favourite Beyoncé tunes – ‘Single Ladies’. Feels appropriate. Between them, Hugo and Bella are making me believe that I’m an okay person.
In fact, she’s the ideal person to live with – easy-going, a real team player and passionate about looking after yourself. Bella is qualified to do facials, pedicures, manicures, aromatherapy massages, all sorts. She’s fond of her regular clients and works with some of them, over months, to do a complete makeover, covering diet, hair and make-up. She says there is nothing more rewarding than unveiling the end result – not so much because of what she’s done to their appearance, but because of the difference it makes to their self-esteem. Also, we both love coffee shops and she never stops talking to Flossie.
When I get home, she’s chilling on the sofa, which is a rare sight. Bella’s always full of energy. Although she has got her pink jogging suit on, which means she’ll soon go out for her evening run. I tell her what Hugo said.
‘Beatrix needs her comeuppance as well, in my opinion,’ she says and pulls a face.
‘That’s never going to happen. Her career’s on fire. She’s just been nominated for another award.’
‘You’re more than a match for her, Violet. Why don’t you beat Beatrix at her own game?’
We went to the cinema last night and I told her more about Lenny and Beatrix. The film was a romance. Not my usual genre, but since Lenny left, I’ve found myself fascinated by other people’s relationships, even if they are fiction. I’m looking for signs of where I’ve gone wrong and, if I’m honest, a sense that I’m not the only one ever to get hurt. Bella and I both cried at the same moments – and we both found the ending disappointing. She reminds me of my childhood best friend, Flint. I’ve never really had one since. On the day she moved in, we sat talking until gone midnight. She told me her ethos was to be the best possible version of herself. We discuss that again now, as Beatrix’s name comes up.
‘It means keeping fit. Respecting your body,’ she says. ‘And being well-groomed – keeping your image current. It’s all about making a statement that says I mean business and I don’t need anyone else to make a success of my life. My friends are great. Colleagues too. But I’m not depending on either to give me a helping hand. You know, one day, I’m going to open my own spa.’
I don’t doubt it.
‘Something of a perfectionist, aren’t you?’ I say, teasingly.
‘Takes one to know one. Look how orderly your food cupboards are; how your books are shelved in alphabetical order. And it’s obvious you put everything into your job to push your career forwards.’
It’s true. Nothing than less than A grade would satisfy me at school, even though Mum said I worked too hard. I’d been in awe of Uncle Kevin as a child. How his world was much bigger than hers. I set my heart on widening my horizons, going to a top university and getting a great job. A tidy room means a tidy mind, Mum used to say, and she was right. Often, when she worked late, I’d spring-clean the whole house. Then I could rest my mind and finish homework, do extra reading and plan out strict timetables for revision.
Irfan always praises my attention to detail and I’ve never really thought about it before, but in my own way I’m not unlike Bella – I want to be and do my best.
Truth be told, I want to be the best.
‘I’m no stranger to heartache, you know,’ says Bella.
I sit down next to her.
‘My ex cheated too.’
That makes me feel better. I wonder if anyone has ever cheated on Beatrix. Somehow I can’t imagine it.
‘God, what a fool I was, with my dreams of us growing old together – I’d constructed a whole story in my head. We’d get married, barefoot, on a beach in The Maldives. Our kids would have ginger hair like him – a boy and a girl, twins so that I’d only need to give birth once. When I found out he’d slept with our neighbour, I felt humiliated to think I’d planned our future in such detail.’
‘I was the same. Lenny and I were going to be legends in publishing. I imagined us married for fifty years and the industry lauding the union of such a brilliant agent and editor…’ I sigh. ‘How did you cope?’
‘I made even more effort at the gym, got my hair re-styled and revamped my make-up. I cut out processed foods. Plus I worked all hours at the spa and got a pay rise and permission to build my own client list so that those customers had continuity. It was my idea and the boss loved it. Believe me, I made sure my ex would regret what he’d thrown away. I bumped into him a couple of months later, at a pub where we used to hang out. I was with the girls, celebrating my success at work.’
I take off my new belted trench coat and drape it over the back of the sofa. ‘What happened?’
‘He sat at the bar staring. Eventually he came over, just as everyone toasted me. You should have seen his face. He looked like a little boy who’d lost his favourite toy.’
‘What did he say?’ My stomach flutters.
‘That I looked even better than usual – the actual word he used was stunning. Talk about fickle. He kept shaking his head and then tried to win me back; said he’d made the biggest mistake of his life – that our neighbour wasn’t half as driven as me and not a woman he wanted to spend his life with.’
‘That must have felt satisfying, to knock him back.’
Bella stands up and stretches. ‘Yes, but to my surprise I let him down gently. By that stage I no longer wanted to hurt him. My confidence was back. I just felt sorry for him; said I’d moved on and wished him well. But inside, all was calm – as if I’d achieved a degree of closure.’
That makes sense. Sometimes I lie awake at night, going over and over what Lenny has done. It’s like the rushed bad ending to a novel – as if more chapters need to be written to properly tie up all the loose ends; to present me not as the victim but as a strong, self-reliant woman.
‘Just think about that article in yesterday’s newspaper about people to watch in the publishing industry…’ Bella says and reaches down to touch her toes.
‘It listed Beatrix as a perfect role model for young women.’ And she is for me – or was. My jaw clenches. But not any more.
‘If only people knew what she was really like. I don’t care how much she’s achieved, she’s no role model if she ploughs through other women’s lives to reach for her own means. At the very least, she slept with your boyfriend while he was still living with you.’
Bella stretches her arms into the air. We’ve talked a lot and she’s never exactly badmouthed friends or colleagues or family, but she has a sharp edge if there’s the hint of injustice in the air. Her ponytail swished vigorously from side to side when I told her about Kath’s condescending nephew. And the more I talk about what happened with Lenny and Beatrix, the higher her pitch becomes. With it, my sense of anger towards them increases, as if she’s turning up its volume.
‘Go and look in the mirror,’ says Bella.
‘That’s not my preferred activity.’
Bella gives a mischievous smile. The more I get to know my new friend, the harder she is to resist.
Take last weekend. My clothes had become even baggier. Turns out I’m now a large size twelve. Bella insisted we go clothes shopping, which is an activity I’ve never enjoyed. I usually just head straight into M&S and stay there. Because she insisted I should be more adventurous, with my heart pounding I ventured into several boutiques. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. With the music blaring, I felt less conspicuous and picked up several items for work and new jeans, all tighter than my usual style. Bella tried on clothes as well. I enjoyed giving her my opinion and listening to her advice. For fun we tried out platform boots and posed in wedding hats. I also looked in the window of a hair salon. Bella reckons my brown hair would look great with blonde highlights.
Reluctantly I get to my feet. It’d been a busy day at work. Bella yawns. She’s always more tired when her day includes doing lots of massages. I head over to the mirror above the fireplace. Bella stands next to me. I look from her face to mine. Perhaps if I paid more attention to fitness, my face would have more shape – more character, like hers. Her cheekbones and defined jaw line are two striking features that make her look like a determined, assertive person.
I’ve never been bothered about my looks before. Not in such detail, anyway. I’m all for being smart and making the best of myself but I have no interest in contouring my face or having my eyebrows threaded. I don’t really see how that can make me an improved or happier person. Or at least I didn’t before. Bella is raising doubts.
‘You’ve got amazing eyes,’ she says. ‘One’s slightly bluer than the other.’
The only people to ever have noticed that are Flint, Mum and Uncle Kevin.
‘Wouldn’t it give you satisfaction for Lenny to see you looking even more attractive than Beatrix – with your amazing personality intact?’ She nods at my reflection. ‘Wouldn’t he feel a fool for letting all that go? For losing someone who is the whole package?’
It would be like giving a book a new cover. A refresh, while keeping the contents the same.
‘But I wouldn’t want him back. Not now.’ Or rather I won’t take him back. Want is a different matter – despite my feelings of injustice.
‘This isn’t about going back. It’s about moving forwards: holding your head high and coming out winning. Imagine the first time he sees you with a glossy new image. Can’t you almost taste the sense of control? His realisation that you don’t need him any more?’
‘I’m not sure. Maybe it is best to let things lie.’ Something inside me solidifies, though, at the prospect of being in charge, of triumphantly steering my own destiny again despite the hurt and the knock to my confidence.
‘Best for whom? I don’t like to judge people, Violet, and this isn’t judging – it’s fact. You need to realise, for the sake of your self-respect, that Beatrix’s been a bitch. He’s acted like a bastard. There’s no respect. You shouldn’t let them treat you like that.’
‘But we’re not at school. Tit for tat, that’s not my way…’ I say, but with uncertainty now.
‘This isn’t about getting back at him – you’re not sabotaging his relationship or career. It’s simply showing him what he couldn’t see before – that you’re the best catch. It’s about making him and Beatrix eat their words about how you look.’
Bella clears her throat and stops her stretches.
‘I know a way to help you move forwards. Thoth Publishing – the twenty-year celebration you told me about that’s in the middle of June. Five weeks from now. Just picture Lenny’s face. You walk in looking amazing. We’ll find you an A-list dress. Contour that face.’ She takes my hands. ‘Oh Violet, you’ll feel on top of the world. I hate to see you lost in your thoughts and looking depressed. How you stare out of the window or at an upside-down newspaper. I’m grateful for having my room and a flatmate who’s such fun and cares for her neighbours. And you work harder than anyone I know.’ She squeezes my fingers. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong. You didn’t deserve what happened. What you do deserve is to feel fabulous and untouchable.’
Someone like Bella sees me as fun? A lump forms in my throat.