Chapter 50
FLIP
Tristan and I are meeting at the Pancake House in a couple of hours, which means I can either stew in my own self-loathing, regret and fear, or I can make a trip to the retirement village. I’m long overdue for a Gurdy visit. I sign in with Jerico at the front desk.
“Boy, you’ve been a hot topic the last few months,” he notes as I scribble my name, who I’m visiting, and my phone number and email on the sheet.
“Yeah.”
“Gurdy will be happy to see you’re alive. There were some bets floating around about you maybe disappearing and your coach being the reason.”
“It’s still not out of the question. If I go missing, have them search his house for the murder weapon. But it’ll probably be my hockey stick and he’ll likely put it through a woodchipper.”
“That’s oddly specific.”
“It was last night’s nightmare.” I hold my fist out. “Stay cool.”
“As a cucumber.”
I leave him and go in search of my favorite retirement home grandma. Mine are long passed, so Gurdy is a beautiful stand-in. I feel shitty that I haven’t been keeping up my regular visits.
I find her in the common room, which is typical. Gurdy is a social butterfly and loves being in the middle of all the action. She knows all the tea. Who’s dating who, who gave who chlamydia, who the hound dogs are.
“I was wondering when you’d show up.” Gurdy holds out her hands and I help her to her feet. She’s all of five foot one and could probably fit in one of my pant legs.
Her white hair is permed. Her gnarled fingers soft, the skin thin and delicate. I try to picture Tally as an old lady. She’ll have sore feet, and all my joints will ache from hockey. We’ll need a hot tub. If she stays. If she doesn’t break up with me.
Gurdy doesn’t let go of my hand once she’s standing. I bend so I can link our arms.
“I’m sorry I’ve missed a couple of dates.”
“You’ve been busy.”
“It’s no excuse.”
“It’s every excuse. You’re young and you should be living your life, not hanging out in retirement homes with people who smell like they’re two weeks away from being underground.”
“I love hanging out with you,” I argue. “You have insight and perspective I don’t.”
“I’ve had a lot of time to make mistakes.”
“What does that say about me since I’ve been making so many lately?”
“Seems like your mistake was made a long time ago, based on everything I’ve been reading. Also seems like that ex-wife of yours maybe broke her NDA.”
“I don’t know that I want to pursue that. It would mean dealing with her again.”
“The problem with the skeletons in the closet is that eventually those doors get opened and they fall out.”
“I’m learning that the hard way.”
Gurdy makes a hard right. “Your girlfriend is beautiful.”
“Isn’t she stunning?” My heart swells and then aches.
“Is her heart just as beautiful?”
“Yeah. She’s incredible. I’m afraid she’s going to leave me,” I admit.
She makes a noise and hands me her key. I unlock the door and hold it open for her.
She heads for the table where the cribbage board is already set up.
Like she was expecting me. “There’s some contraband scotch in the bottom cupboard.
Get out two glasses.” She waves to her tiny kitchen and sits in one of the cushioned chairs. “What makes her incredible?”
“Everything. She’s smart, driven, talented, compassionate, fun.”
“You love her.”
“I love her.”
“But you didn’t tell her about the ex-wife.”
“I didn’t tell her about the ex-wife,” I agree.
“Because you were scared.”
“Yeah.” I pull out two lowball glasses and find the scotch—it’s dusty—and pour us both a shot.
“That’s a weak-ass pour. Do better.”
I add more. Then another splash when she purses her lips. I also pour us both glasses of water and set them all on the table, then join her. The chair is tiny and groans under my weight.
“What are you scared of?” Gurdy asks.
“I’m a headache. I’ve brought Tally nothing but drama.”
“To be fair, Tally knew there would be drama. She’s the coach’s daughter.” She raises a pointed, drawn-on eyebrow.
“She can’t escape my past and neither can I,” I say.
“Stop trying to run away from your shadow, Phillip. It’s attached to you, it won’t leave you alone because it’s part of you. You still haven’t answered the question. What are you afraid of?”
I pick up the deck of cards and shuffle them. “Repeating history.”
“Is Tally anything like your ex, apart from them both being women?”
“No. They’re nothing alike.” I set the deck between us and she cuts, then I cut and we show our cards. “Your deal.”
She shuffles the deck. “So why would you believe that?”
“Because I’m the common denominator. I’m the unchanged variable. What if six months down the line the shine wears off and she decides I’m not the one for her?”
“What if six months from now it’s the opposite? What if you’re exactly right for each other? What if you’re hiding all of her favorite parts of you? Everyone makes mistakes, Phillip. What if you’re making the biggest one by not giving her the true version of you?”
“I should have come to see you sooner.”
She waves the comment away. “You were busy wooing your future wife.”
“I’m so in love with her.”
“Have you told her yet?”
I glance up from my cards. They’re shit.
“Phillip.” She puts two cards in her crib and gives me her full attention. “What the hell are you waiting for?”
“The right time,” I mumble.
“Is that the same reason you didn’t tell her about the ex-wife?”
I purse my lips and play a six.
“Fifteen for two.” She lays a nine. “Stop sabotaging your own future.”
“Twenty-four for two.” I match it with my own nine. “I need to make sure we’re stable before I put it out there.”
She plays a seven and takes two points. “Nut up, bro.”
I almost spray my scotch on the cards. It’s good stuff. “Who taught you that saying?”
“Nate and Essie were here last week. They brought his younger brother. The young Stiles. He has secrets, that one.”
“You think?”
“Oh yeah. Dark cloud over that boy. Looks like he’s afraid of hugs, and also desperately needs one. But really, Phillip, put your big boy pants on and tell her how you feel. If she’s the one for you, she’ll be able to handle all the downs, just give her a chance. And yourself.”
Gurdy beats me three times, not for my lack of trying.
I walk her to lunch and hang out with her friends for a bit before I make my way to the Pancake House to meet with Tristan.
I know he won’t stay mad at me, but he’s married to my sister, so that means he’ll have to handle her emotions over the secret I’ve been keeping all these years.
He’s already there when I arrive, two beers on the table. He shifts in his seat as I take mine. It’s a practiced move so both our legs fit under the table.
“How’s Rix?” We’ve been messaging, but I haven’t seen her since last night. We don’t have practice until later, which is when I’ll have to face the rest of the team.
“Okay. She’ll be here in about forty-five minutes, but she had to go into the kitchen this morning to get out meals for a few of the guys.” He pushes a beer toward me. “How are you?”
“Wishing I made different choices at the moment.”
Rainbow, our usual server, stops by to take our order. Tristan gets the hungry man, and I order a regular breakfast because my appetite is trash.
He waits until we’re alone before he digs in. “That’s a big secret to hold onto.”
I’ve hurt him. Again. I complicated our relationship when he was traded to Toronto and moved in with me.
We’re okay now, but we’ll never be the same.
Not just because he’s married to my sister, but because we crossed some lines that can’t be erased.
It altered our friendship, and I hope this new revelation doesn’t change it in another irreparable way.
“Telling people meant owning the mistake. She ruined me for a long time.”
He nods slowly. “Did she leave or did you?”
“She did.” I roll the bottle between my hands. I tell him what happened, how it happened, why she decided to leave, and what I gave up to get her out of my life.
“Shit, man.” Tristan drags a hand through his hair and shakes his head. “That’s…she’s a terrible person. I mean, I wasn’t ever really a huge fan in high school, and when you broke up again, I was kind of relieved, but I didn’t realize it had been this serious.”
“I didn’t want it to be the thing I was dealing with at the beginning of my career,” I explain.
“Yeah, man. There’s enough pressure without that noise, too.”
Rainbow drops off our meals. She’s chipper as usual and probably doesn’t concern herself with the hockey gossip.
“This just explains…a lot.” Tristan accordions a slice of bacon into his mouth and chews thoughtfully.
He doesn’t need to elaborate. I already know what a lot encompasses. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Tris.”
“Look, I know you have it coming at you from all sides, and everyone will have feelings and opinions, but we were in different cities for a lot of years before we ended up here. I can’t even be upset that you told Dred because it’s fucking Dred.
She’s a damn saint and I’m sure she compelled it out of you over Battleship.
Dredging up the past sucks, and you have it done to you often.
You’re forgiven, Flip. For whatever you think you’ve done wrong, let it go, okay? We’re good.”
He means it. “I appreciate it, Tris. More than you can know.” Now I just need my sister’s forgiveness. And my parents’, my teammates’, and my coach’s. It’s an upward climb.
Rix slides into the booth next to me like she was summoned. “I’m so glad you’re not dead.”
“Vander Zee might still take me out.” I wrap my arm around my sister. “I’m sorry.”
She tips her head up and regards me with empathy. “You must have had a good reason to keep such a big secret for so long.” I start to tell her the same story I told Tristan, but she puts her hand on my arm. “What caused it to fall apart?”
“She didn’t want me, she wanted the life I could afford her.”
Sadness washes over her. “I’m so sorry you had to carry that hurt with you for so long on your own. You can let it go now, though.”
All this fear has been weighing me down, holding me back.
I keep expecting everyone’s anger, but all I get is compassion.
Maybe I should extend a little of my own to myself.