20 Kierra
20
Kierra
When one week passed by, I didn’t get the chance to make sure that Amma told Gabriel about Elijah because he didn’t show up at Florence Bakery. When I texted him, he ignored my messages. If he came to my house to check in on the property, he’d do his work, say hi to Ava, and be on his way. When I picked Ava up from GS Architecture, he was always mysteriously busy and nowhere to be found.
I was officially being ghosted, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
A part of me thought he couldn’t go on forever avoiding me, but then again, why couldn’t he? There was no real reason for him to be forced to interact with me. Plus, with what he’d learned, I didn’t blame him for wanting nothing to do with me. Still, it hurt. Still, I missed him. It was like having a wish come true only to have the dream ripped away.
“You need to try harder,” Rosie told me as we met up for our monthly spa trip. “You need to go all nineties rom-com and tell him he has to see you and talk to you.” She tightened her robe as we walked into the Zen room to wait for our massages.
I grabbed a glass of lemon-and-lime-infused water and shook my head. “I’m not going to push myself into his life. He’s made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me.”
“Did he? Or are you just deciding that on your own? Maybe he just needed a little time, Kierra.”
“It’s been two weeks.”
“Exactly. So now you push into his life. Men are stupid. They don’t know when they’ve had enough time. Show up at his house, stand on his porch in the pouring rain, tell him how much he means to you,” she ordered, flopping down into an oversized chair. “Otherwise, we’ll be ninety in nursing homes talking about how you never took a shot at building another friendship with Gabriel…or more than a friendship.”
“Rosie. Stop. I’m married.”
“To a fucking dick, Kierra. I’m not saying it’s right, but you should dream about the possibilities at least. One day, God willing, Henry is going to be out of your life. Wouldn’t it be nice to have Gabriel be in it? I’m telling you…” She shrugged her shoulders. “You two were the reason I ever even believed in love—real love, that is.”
“I just…” I didn’t know what to say or what to do.
Rosie grew somber. “Just consider trying to talk to him, Kierra. And tell him how sorry you are for not telling him sooner.”
“Okay. I will.” If anything, Gabriel deserved an in-person apology.
She smiled. “Good. But also, Kierra…if you go to him, you have to tell him the truth. The whole truth.”
I sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that.”
***
After my massage with Rosie, I headed over to Gabriel’s house, uninvited. A part of me was hoping his car wouldn’t be there. It would’ve given me a reason to turn around and drive away. Yet his pickup truck sat in the driveway, and the lights were on in his house.
It took me a solid five minutes to build up enough courage to climb out of my car and go knock on his door.
The moment I did knock, more butterflies formed in my gut. The nerves rocking through my whole system made me want to break into hives.
When he opened the door, he seemed somewhat surprised to see me. He narrowed his stare. “Kierra. Are you okay?”
Are you okay?
What an odd first question to ask.
He seemed to ask me that more than not. I couldn’t help but wonder how many I’m-not-okay vibes I was giving off daily.
“Yes, well, no. I mean, well, hi,” I breathed out, tugging on the ends of my long sleeves.
Bewilderment showed in his stare. “Hi? What’s up?”
What’s up? You ignoring me for two weeks. That’s what’s up.
“I, uh, we haven’t spoken?” I said, but it came out as a question. “I mean, not since I told you about…us. And I know you’re probably mad—”
“I’m not mad.”
I released a nervous chuckle. “Come on, Gabriel. I know you are. I don’t blame you for being mad, either, and—”
“I’m not mad,” he coldly cut in again.
“Gabriel—”
“What do you want, Kierra?” he said, his voice dripping with annoyance. “Did you come here to relieve yourself of guilt? Fine. Be free of the guilt. Because I’m not mad.”
“That’s not why I came.”
“Then why are you here?” he snapped, clearly mad, no matter what he was telling me.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard.
“Okay. Thanks.” He went to close the door, and I placed my foot in the way.
“Gabriel, wait.”
“Why? You said what you needed to say, and I said thanks. End of conversation.”
“But it’s not… It’s clear you’re still mad.”
“ I’m not mad! ” he said once more. He grumbled under his breath and stepped out onto the porch. “Fine. You want to talk. Let’s talk. You want to believe in your head that I’m mad when I’m not mad. I just need you to get that into your head, Kierra. I’m not mad.”
“Then what are you?” I whispered. “Because it’s clear you’re not okay.”
“ I’m fucking hurt ,” he shouted, tossing his hands up in defeat. His voice cracked as the word hurt fell from his lips. He turned away from me and rested his hands on the porch railing. He shook his head a few times before he turned back my way. His brown eyes were flooded with emotion as he bit his lip and swallowed hard. “I’m fucking hurt, Kierra,” he murmured.
“I get it.”
“No, you don’t. You don’t get it. You don’t understand.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I needed you, Kierra,” he cried out, pounding his hand against his chest. “I fucking needed you, and you left. You walked away without looking back, leaving me with this emptiness that I couldn’t make sense of. You left me after I went through a traumatic event, and I fucking needed you.”
The strain in his voice shattered any little piece of my heart that was still beating.
He lowered his head. “I had no one,” he whispered. “I had no one to help guide me back home. I struggled for years. I thought I was losing my mind, too, because I’d dream of you and then wake up feeling more lost than ever before. You’ve fucking haunted my dreams for two decades, Kierra. So, forgive me if I didn’t answer your messages over the past few weeks, but this is a lot to process.”
“Yes, yeah. Okay. I know.”
“You said we were each other’s everything, and then you had the nerve to say you just had to leave. You gave me that bad excuse, and what? Did you just expect me to be okay? To shrug it off? Things were hard so you just left? I would’ve never done that to you. I know that I don’t remember us, but I feel us,” he said, putting his hand against his chest. “I feel you, Kierra, and I would’ve never left you at your lowest. I would’ve been by your side, reminding you day by day who we once were.”
Tears streamed down my face as I came to realize how much I’d screwed up. “There’s more to the story,” I told him, shaking my head. “There’s so much more to the story, Gabriel, and that’s why I’m here. I want to tell you everything. I want you to know all the ins and outs of who we were and what happened that night. I need you to know that if I do that, you may never want to speak to me again, but I want you to know the whole truth. The whole story. You deserve that.”
His brows narrowed as he tilted his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’ll tell me everything?”
“Yes. Everything.”
He hesitated for a moment, then invited me into his house. I sat on his living room couch and he sat across from me on the coffee table. “Okay. Tell me.”
The moment I started, I wanted to stop. I wanted to erase the memories of the night of the accident. I didn’t want to recall every single detail. I didn’t want to go into the darkness again, but I also wanted him to understand why I left. I wanted him to understand why all those years ago, I chose to walk away. I wanted him to understand why it was nearly impossible for me to ever come back to him.
And I wanted him to know about Elijah.
Even if it hurt me to speak his name.