19 Kierra
19
Kierra
Present Day
Ava had been bouncing up and down all morning with excitement about the baby shower. She’d been telling me repeatedly how cool Eddie had been and how nice he was. When we showed up to the baby shower, Ava darted off quickly and made sure that everyone was having a grand time. She put herself to work right away, helping with appetizers and the setting up of games.
It was so good to see her so light and free lately. It was as if she’d stepped out of her shy shell and was able to laugh more with others without any concerns. That was the greatest gift to a parent—seeing their child not only succeeding in life but doing so with such happiness.
That was the word of the day for the baby shower: happiness.
“They look happy,” I mentioned to Gabriel as we leaned back against the same cabinet drawer. I crossed my arms as I studied Eddie and Sarah giggling like teenagers as they opened their gifts. “They’re so cute.”
“They’re going to make remarkable parents.”
“I’m slightly envious of them. I never got this part of parenthood. I was never able to do the baby shower and the silly games. Or pick out the nursery or things like that. I wish I would’ve had that chance with Ava. I bet she was a perfect baby.”
“You would’ve been a perfect new mom.”
I snickered a little. “No, I would’ve been a mess. Worrying about every single breath she took. I would’ve been neurotic.”
“You would’ve been a perfect new mom,” he repeated.
My lips quivered into a faint smile.
There was no reason he should’ve been giving me as many butterflies as he had lately. I hadn’t even known my body still knew how to get butterflies.
I placed my hands on the edge of the cabinet and gripped it, trying to shake off said butterflies. “Have you ever wanted to be a father?”
“Yes,” he said confidently. “It’s something I still think about. Even if I don’t find my person, I’ve thought about adoption. I just wish I had my own father around to help me through it.”
“That has to be hard…you not remembering him.”
“I think the hardest part is knowing he was such a good man. I wish I could remember the good things from my past. It feels unfair to hear great stories yet hold no memory of them at all.”
He placed his hands against the cabinet edge, gripping it as I had. Our arms brushed, and I didn’t pull away. He didn’t, either. I liked it, too. I liked our proximity. I liked the warmth that flowed throughout my whole system from small touches from him.
“Do you want more kids?” he asked me.
I let out a burst of laughter, abrupt and uncontrollable. “Absolutely not with Henry.”
“What about if it was with someone else?”
The question made me pause because I never thought of that. I never thought of a world where I wasn’t chained to Henry Hughes. A world of make-believe, where I could have the family of my dreams.
I lowered my head, feeling a tug at my heart. “One more kid,” I whispered. “I always envisioned myself having two kids and a dog.”
Gabriel laughed. “That’s so strange. I’ve envisioned the same thing.”
I know, Gabriel. I know.
His words broke a part of me. I wondered what would’ve happened if I’d never left all those years ago. I wondered what he and I would’ve become. If he would’ve been the happily to my ever after. If we would’ve been sitting side by side, opening baby shower gifts and playing silly games with each other. Acting like teenagers in love, being wowed by pacifiers.
“Can I tell you a secret, Kierra?” he asked.
“Of course.”
“It’s difficult to be near you at times,” he confessed quietly.
“Why’s that?”
He paused, a look of resigned affection in his eyes. “Because once you’re gone, you have a way of occupying every thought I have for the rest of the day.”
Oh, Gabriel.
Why do you have to be so…you?
My hands began to sweat as panic filled me up from within. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I pushed myself away from the cabinet drawer, locked eyes with Gabriel’s perplexed stare, shook my head, and marched out of the room. I needed air. I needed space. I needed him.
Oh, how I needed him more than he’d ever know, and I couldn’t keep going on as if he wasn’t the biggest part of my life for the longest time.
“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Gabriel asked as he followed me down the secluded hallway. I turned to face him, and the puzzlement in his eyes made me feel awful. “Did I… I’m sorry. I should’ve never said that, Kierra. It was inappropriate and—”
“We were best friends,” I blurted out.
He froze in place and blinked a few times before arching an eyebrow. “I’m sorry…what?”
I gestured back and forth between him and me. “We were best friends. You and me. Me and you. We were best friends for the longest time.”
“What are you talking about?”
“When we were kids. And teens. And…” I took in a deep breath. “We were each other’s everything.”
His brows knit together and he shook his head. “Bullshit.”
“It’s true.”
“For how long?”
“What do you mean?”
“How long were we friends?”
I blinked and shook my head. “Since a little before your father passed away.”
“You knew my father?”
“I loved your father.”
The pain in his eyes sliced straight through my heart. I couldn’t imagine what his thoughts were. Oh my gosh, what was I doing? Why did I confess to him about our past? Why did I find the need to open that can of worms and unleash it on him? I just couldn’t keep pretending like I didn’t feel everything he felt, like I didn’t see him the same way he’d been seeing me. It was all becoming too much.
“When did we stop being friends?” he asked me.
I swallowed hard. “After the accident.”
“You knew about the accident?”
I caused the accident.
“Yes,” I whispered. “I did.”
His brows knit and he appeared annoyed with whatever thoughts were clouding his head. I wished I could read his mind. I didn’t know what it was like in his head. In the past, I could read all the thoughts of the boy I fell in love with. Nowadays with this new man, it felt almost impossible to know what he was thinking.
“You’re confused and upset,” I commented.
“It’s fine,” he huffed, seeming angry.
“Gabriel. Please. I get that you’re angry with me—”
“I’m not angry with you,” he spat out.
I stood taller, somewhat shocked. “You’re not angry with me?”
“No.” He brushed his thumb against the bridge of his nose as he looked away from me. “I just don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
“How my fucked-up mind could forget about you.”
My heart skipped a few beats as I kept my stare on him.
When his head lifted and those dark eyes locked with mine, I almost began to weep from the idea of what we could’ve been.
“Can I ask you a question, Kierra?”
“Yes. Of course. Anything.”
“Did I love you?” he softly asked.
A tremble hit my bottom lip as my eyes filled with tears. I nodded slowly. “Yes.”
“Did you love me, too?”
“More than words.”
He fiddled with his hands and nodded as he sniffled a bit. “And then we fell out of love?”
“No,” I urged. “I don’t think people like us ever fall out of love.”
“Then what happened to our love?”
“I ran from it.”
“Why?”
Because I’ve caused so much pain.
When I couldn’t reply with words, Gabriel kept talking. “It makes sense that I loved you, because when I first saw you…I didn’t know you, but I could feel you.” He cleared his throat and sniffled some more. “And when I felt you, I didn’t feel lost anymore. I don’t know a lot, and my mind is still messed up, but I think that’s what love is. Something that makes you feel a little less lost.”
“Gabriel—”
“Did I hurt you?” he asked. The pained expression in his eyes showed the level of guilt he was feeling. “Was it my fault?”
I rushed over to him and took his hands into mine. “No. Oh my goodness, no. Not at all. I swear. It was me, Gabriel. I was the one who left. You did nothing wrong. You could’ve never done anything wrong.”
“Then why didn’t you stay?”
If only I could tell him everything. But I knew Amma would’ve hated all the details to come out, and it would’ve damaged her relationship with her son. I didn’t want to cause her more pain than I’d already had. Still, I couldn’t continue acting as if Gabriel and I didn’t have the connection that we’d had for the longest time. He was one of the largest parts of my life—if not the biggest, after Ava.
Truthfully, a part of me resented Amma, too. Her keeping such a massive secret hidden from Gabriel seemed so deeply cruel to me. The more I thought about how much Gabriel had missed out on, how he didn’t have memories of his little brother, the more it irritated me.
“I made a lot of mistakes back then. I was young and scared.”
“Sounds like a bullshit excuse,” he murmured as he rubbed his hand against his temple. “So, wait. Time out. If we were that close, did you know my mother?”
“Yes.”
“And when you two met again, did you recognize each other?”
I knew where he was going with this. I knew that his mind was starting to piece together the deceit that had taken place over the past few weeks since we reconnected at the dinner party.
I nodded slowly. “Yes.”
“So. My mother knew you but pretended she didn’t?”
“Gabriel, it’s more complicated—”
“Thanks for sharing this,” he said, his voice growing colder than before. I saw the shift in his body as he tensed and stood taller. “I should get back to the shower.”
“Gabriel, wait—”
“No, it’s fine. It’s not a big deal. I’m fine.”
“You’re not.”
“How the hell would you know? You knew me before, Kierra. You don’t have a damn clue who I am now,” he snapped.
That hurt, but I couldn’t blame him. I’d just watched him go through a tailspin of emotions within a few minutes. It was a lot for him to take in all at once, and now he was transitioning straight into anger.
But he was Gabriel, after all, so his anger wasn’t loud. It simmered behind his stare. It raked repeatedly through his hair. It sat against his clenched jaw.
“You’re mad,” I whispered.
“I’m not,” he lied.
He wouldn’t look at me. I couldn’t blame him. I went weeks without telling him the truth. I didn’t expect him to simply roll over and take the reveal without an array of emotions.
“Gabriel…”
He held up a silencing hand and began to pace. He rubbed his hands against his face repeatedly, mumbling under his breath.
“Gabe! We are about to cut the cake and we can’t find the…” Amma came around the corner to find Gabriel and me standing in the hallway. Her gaze locked with mine for a second, confusion swirling in her brown eyes, before she looked at her son. “Is everything okay here?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Gabriel huffed, shaking his head as a short chuckle left his mouth. “Did you know that Kierra and I were in love in the past?” He kept laughing. “Who am I kidding? Of course you knew, but for some reason, you both thought it would be best to lie to me about it. So, yeah. Everything’s fine. I’m just surrounded by fucking liars. Let me go help with the cake.”
He stormed off, leaving me standing there speechless. Amma’s eyes locked with mine. I saw nothing but rage shooting through her.
I took a step toward her. “Amma…”
“What is wrong with you?” she whisper-shouted. “You told him?”
“I had to. He kept going on about how he felt a connection with me, and it felt wrong to lie to him.”
“I didn’t ask you to lie. I asked you to stay away.”
“I know, I know. It was impossible to do that, though.”
“No,” she said. “It wasn’t. You’re just so selfish that you couldn’t stop yourself from pushing back into his life.”
My stomach knotted up and I shook my head. “I didn’t tell him about Elijah, Amma, but I you need to. You should tell him everything. He deserves to know. I love him, and I can’t keep Elijah from him. You shouldn’t want to, either. Even though it’s hard. He deserves to know his brother.”
“You can’t do that…”
“One week,” I warned. “I’ll give you one week to tell him. Otherwise, I will.”
“We were fine while you were gone. We were good.” Her eyes shut and she shook her head in disbelief. “You were dead to us. Why couldn’t you just stay dead?” she whispered, her body slightly trembling.
As she walked away, my chest filled with heavy levels of guilt as if I’d made a mistake by telling Gabriel. But I knew I hadn’t. That made it hurt even more.
I stayed in the hallway for a few minutes longer. I didn’t know if I could find the strength to walk back into the baby shower to see Gabriel. To face Amma again. Maybe she was right. Maybe I should’ve stayed out of Gabriel’s life, but it felt like the universe had brought him back to me. How was I supposed to simply walk away again after I was given a second chance?
“Mom? Mom!” Ava called out, hurrying into the hallway. The moment she found me, her lips turned up in the biggest grin. “Hey! What are you doing here? It’s time for cake.”
I pushed out a fake smile and tried to keep myself from sobbing. I wrapped an arm around Ava as I nodded my head. “Yes, okay. Let’s have some cake.”