30 Kierra
30
Kierra
I showed up to Tamera’s house with a duffel bag and a defeated smile. “Hi.”
She smiled at me as she opened her screen door. Her eyes fell to the bag, and she nodded in a knowing way. “Okay, sweetheart. Come on in and tell me everything. I’ll make us a pot of coffee.”
***
“Did you know Ava’s biological mother?” I asked Tamera as we sat on her back porch talking.
“Claire?”
“Yeah.”
“I did. She was young. Very young. But a sweet girl. Henry painted her as a crazy woman, but truthfully that was when I realized he had some darkness in him. She was so young and naive. She had a lot of emotional stuff going on at her home, too. I figured that was why she signed over the rights for Ava.”
“Do you think she wanted to do that?”
Tamera shrugged. “I think she was so damaged before and after Henry that she just wanted some form of peace. Pair that with postpartum depression and that woman didn’t have much of a chance.”
I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. “She showed up as a client of mine.”
She sat straighter. “Who? Claire?”
I nodded. “She’s been a client of mine since we’ve moved.”
“My goodness. How did you find out she was Ava’s mother?” she asked.
“She told me today. She knew the whole time that I was Ava’s stepmother and wanted to find a way to get close to Ava. I guess Henry has a restraining order against her. She said she just wanted to make sure Ava was okay.”
“Oh goodness. That’s a lot.”
I sighed and brushed my hand through my hair. “Life feels like a lot.”
“I think this is the first time I’m truly realizing that my son is just like his father. I’ve tried to convince myself that Henry was different. That no parts of his father lived within that boy’s soul, but I knew that was a lie early on. I knew there were parts of me that lived within Henry, but most of them belonged to Jack,” Tamera confessed. “Do you know how much that hurts? To see the baby I once carried in my own womb turn out to be such a monster.”
“Tamera…” I sighed, feeling awful for dragging her into this situation. “I’m so sorry.”
“Does he hurt you?” she asked. “Does he belittle you? Has he ever put his hands on you?”
I paused for a moment. A part of me wanted to protect the image of her son for her. Yet my head nodded. Her eyes flooded with tears as she stared out into the night sky. She sniffled a little with a slight shake of her head. I felt instant guilt from telling her that.
“He scares you?” she questioned.
“More often than not.”
“I thought it would be a onetime situation with his father.” She fiddled with her hands. “It’s never only once. It was only the first time. And you never really forget the first time. The first time Jack hit me, I almost thought I’d imagined it. We’d been married for years before it happened, and we were so deeply in love at first. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that someone I loved could do something so…cruel. I couldn’t comprehend that. I loved him. He loved me, too. The second time he hit me, I blamed myself for making a mess around the house. The third time, I had a panic attack at the stoplight we were at. I was pregnant with Henry, and he punched me in my stomach.”
“Oh my goodness,” I gasped as tears began rolling down my cheeks.
“Once Henry was born, Jack was gentle again. He was kind and attentive. He promised me he’d never hurt me again. For a few years, he held on to that promise, too. For a while, I felt as if I had my husband back again. That was until he lost his job, and I realized that whenever something bad happened, he’d need a punching bag. That punching bag was me.”
“He was a monster.”
“He was, yet I stayed… I stayed until his very end. Do you know how often I used to daydream about what my life would be like if I had left? Do you know the dreams I’d used to dream?” She shook her head in awe as the stars sparkled over our heads. “If I’d left, I would’ve gone back to school. I would’ve finished my nursing degree. If I’d left, I would’ve raised Henry in a small apartment that wasn’t luxurious, but it would be mine and mine alone. I would’ve dated. Oh, my gosh, I would’ve dated so many different types of men until I found one that felt right to me. I would’ve fallen in love, too. A real love that didn’t hurt. A kind of love that healed the broken pieces. We both wouldn’t have been perfect, but we would’ve been perfect for each other. If I’d left, I wouldn’t have years of trauma to unpack. My load of scars would’ve been lighter. My bruises would’ve not been as deep. If I’d left, I would’ve been happier sooner.”
She turned her body toward mine and took my hands in hers as she continued to speak. “Now, Kierra, I can’t tell you what would happen if you left. That’s your story to write, your tale to create. Your pages are blank if you leave, and you get to create that narrative. But I can tell you what will happen if you stay.” Her voice lowered as she brushed away the tears rolling down my cheeks. The sincerity of each word from her made my broken heart keep beating. “If you stay, he won’t change for the better. If you stay, he’ll still hurt you. If you stay, he’ll still hit you. If you stay, you’ll lose more and more of your brilliant light.”
I nodded and whispered lightly. “I know.”
“But that’s not all,” she swore. “If you stay, Ava will notice. If you stay, she’ll witness his actions. Maybe not at first, but she will eventually. If you stay, he won’t even try to hide it from her. If you stay, she might try to stop him. If you stay, she might get pushed if she tries to intervene. If you stay, he might shove her. Hit her. Kick her. Punch her, too. If you stay, her spirit will start to break. If you stay, she’ll either see herself in you and allow men to treat her that way, or she’ll become ashamed of you and push you away or blame you for not being strong enough to go. If you stay, you might not only lose yourself, but Ava may lose her light, too.”
“You don’t get it, though,” I whispered, brushing away my tears. “If I go, he said he’ll keep her from me. She’s my daughter, but not on paper. On paper she’s his, and I’d lose her. That’s why I’ve stayed so long. That’s why I put up with everything I have, because the only thing I want in this world is my daughter. I can’t lose her. She’s my world.”
“You won’t lose her, sweetheart.”
“Yes, I will. I know I will.”
“No,” Tamera said sternly, “you won’t. Because when you leave, she’s going with you. I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that she does. You aren’t leaving him on your own, Kierra. This isn’t all on you. You’re walking away with a team of people who love you. Who will fight when you feel weak. Who will speak up for you when your own voice shakes. I promise you. And Ava is old enough to stand up in court and speak for herself, and I know she’ll choose you.”
“How can you be certain of that?”
“Because she told me so. She’d choose you over and over again, in every lifetime. Just like I would.”
I stared down at my hands and shook my head. “But he’s your son…”
“Yes,” she agreed. “But you are my family.” She placed a finger beneath my chin and tilted my head up to look her in the eyes. “And it’s about time for you to learn how to breathe again. All I need is for you to say the word. Say you want to get away, and I’ll put the wheels in motion. Say you want out, and we’ll make a way.”
“Okay.” I nodded slowly as trembles found my voice. “I want out.”
Tears rolled down Tamera’s cheeks. She cupped my face in her hands and smiled as she kissed my forehead. “Brave girl. Brave, brave girl.”
***
Tamera made dinner for Ava and me. Afterward, Ava and I lay out in the hammock for a few hours, staring up at the stars. We swayed slightly as she rested her head on my shoulder.
“I’m glad you came over, Mom,” she whispered as she fiddled with the sleeves of her shirt. “I love Grandma, but I really needed you, too, tonight.”
“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.” I hesitated as I bit my bottom lip. “Can we have a grown-up conversation?”
She glanced my way and narrowed her eyes. “I’ve been wanting you to do that for years. I’m not a silly kid anymore, Mom.”
“I know, but sometimes when I look at you, I still see my little five-year-old girl who I want to protect from all harm, no matter what.”
“Yeah, but then who’s protecting you?”
I smiled a sad smile and kissed her forehead. A small sigh rippled between my lips. “I’m leaving your father.”
She sat up slightly, making the hammock rock more. “What? Really?”
I nodded. “Yeah. But it’s complicated. When your father and I married, we signed a prenuptial agreement and it states that if there were a divorce, he would get full custody of you.”
“What? No way. I don’t want to go with him. I hate him,” she barked out, sitting up completely, almost tossing the hammock all the way over. She stood. “He can’t do that. You’re my mom.”
“I know, sweetheart. It’s just a paragraph in a document that he has hung over my head for a long time. But…I spoke with a lawyer. He told me that a clause in a prenuptial agreement attempting to stipulate the rights of a stepparent in a future child custody case would likely not be enforced. There’s a lot of complexities when it comes to parental rights and custody cases.”
The fear in Ava’s eyes settled. “Oh. Okay, good.”
“But if your father gets his way, he might drag this out and keep his threats coming. You might have to testify in court that you want to be with me. I know that’s a lot to ask—”
“I’ll do it,” she cut in. “I’ll do anything for you.”
The tears burned at the back of my eyes as the words left her mouth. “I don’t want you to feel responsible for making sure I’m okay, Ava. All I care about is you and your safety.”
“You are my safety, Mom. Besides, you said forever, right?”
I stood and walked over to her. I held a pinkie out in her direction. “Forever.”
She wrapped hers around mine. “Forever,” she echoed.
I pulled her into a hug and held her for the longest time. “I love you, Ava Melanie.”
“I love you, too, Mom. And I’m really proud of you.”
I’m really proud of you.
That was the line that made the tears fall.