12. Dario
CHAPTER 12
Dario
Lochlan has been alone with my tia for an awfully long time, I realize. It’s not like I don’t trust Gaby. She’s always been awesome, and she was also there for me big time when I needed help the most.
It’s just…there are certain things about my past that I’d prefer my new friend doesn’t find out. It’s a miracle he doesn’t think I’m a loser yet. However, if he finds out how stupid, how weak I’ve been, he’s bound to ghost me in disgust.
I know he’s straight and this whole boyfriend thing is only pretend. But I’d still prefer it if he wasn’t aware of the worst moments in my life to judge me by them. I’d rather be friends and suffer pining after him than not have him at all.
Just as I’m contemplating getting up from the fire pit and seeing where they’ve gotten to, they both emerge out into the yard, holding drinks and laughing.
“Look, all I’m saying is that the Billy bookcases are the favorite for a reason,” Lochlan is telling Gaby, waving his hands about so much that his beer is in danger of sloshing out.
“Yeah,” Gaby scoffs. “Because they’re basic for basic bitches. If you want something sophisticated, you go with an Idan?s. What the fuck are they teaching kids these days?”
I wince and look around, but it seems like most of my younger cousins have already gone to bed, thankfully. They were probably tired out by running after Rocky and Queenie all day.
Lochlan chuckles and gives Gaby a very light push. “I bet I’m not even ten years younger than you.”
“Young enough,” Gaby says with a wink as she shoves him back before wandering off to give one of my tios a hard time.
I grin at hearing their banter, relaxing. Lochlan doesn’t look appalled as he sits down beside me in the chair I kept vacant for him. In fact, he scoots closer and immediately reaches out to take my hand, giving it a squeeze.
My heart flutters. I know he’s just pretending, but I cut myself some slack. The fact that he’s committing this seriously to the role is touching in its own way. Seeing him interacting with my family is amazing but surreal as well.
After doing a number of puppy training classes together, I know he’s got a way with people that mystifies me. But witnessing him happily chatting to some of the most important people in my life, I can finally say once and for all that it seems completely genuine. He means it when he asks people questions and he really listens to their replies.
Obviously, I’ve been fooled before. I’d like to think that I’m a little older and wiser now. I’m so much more aware of what red flags to look out for, and one of the biggest ones is about myself.
If my family raises serious concerns about someone in my life, I’m never going to ignore them ever again.
That doesn’t seem to be an issue here today, thankfully. As if to illustrate my point, when Gaby next walks behind me, she pauses to place her hands on my shoulders and lean in so she can whisper in my ear.
“This one’s a keeper.”
I blush, but she moves on before I can fumble for a reply, so I don’t have to come up with one. Just smile bashfully as she grins at me from over the fire pit.
I know he is, I think privately, where my secrets are safe. I just wish he was mine to keep.
After a couple of glasses of wine, though, it’s a little difficult to remind myself of this fact. Especially when Lochlan resolutely keeps his hand clasped around mine long after it’s necessary to keep up our rouse. More than that, when he’s talking with my dad about fishing, he keeps rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand. I’m not even sure he’s aware he’s doing it.
I’m sure it means nothing. I’ve noticed he likes hugging people hello and goodbye, and he’s a human golden retriever in so many other ways. I bet he just finds touch comforting.
Like I used to before it was weaponized against me and withdrawn as a form of punishment. Damn, I’d kind of forgotten how much I missed simply holding hands with a nice guy. Since we first tried in the woods the other day, I’ve been craving more. Lochlan does it so naturally.
When he finally lets me go to play tug with Rocky and a stick the pup found somewhere, I try not to feel the absence of his skin against mine too keenly. I do trace my fingers over where his thumb has been caressing, though, chasing the ghost of his presence.
The evening passes in a happy blur of games, laughter, and good conversation. I discover that Lochlan isn’t very good at performing charades but he’s ridiculously enthusiastic about it, and he’s actually pretty great at guessing what our other teammates are doing. In fact, when it’s my go, he’s so quick at blurting out answers that one of my tios good-naturedly accuses us of cheating.
Having a special bond with Lochlan like that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, even if it is just for a game. But the way his eyes meet with mine and light up when he guesses correctly is nothing short of beautiful.
He’s beautiful.
Gah.
I switch to herbal tea for the last couple of hours, not wanting to overdo it and embarrass myself—either by confessing to my family that Lochlan isn’t really my boyfriend or by confessing to Lochlan that I wish he was. I notice that he swaps between beer, water, and soda, which reassures me. Not that I’m policing his drinking or anything. I’d still like him if he was a party animal.
It’s just that Shane was a spiteful drunk. I hate that I keep comparing Lochlan to him, but the fact that he’s not getting wasted in front of my folks then being snippy is another green flag to me.
He’s tipsy enough that as we decide to hit the hay, I have to practically drag him away from complimenting my dad on the turkey dinner, and both him and my mom on their beautiful house…and equally beautiful son.
“You’re a nightmare,” I mutter as we head back inside the house. To my surprise, he takes my hand again, despite the fact that no one’s really watching us. Before I can tell him that he doesn’t have to impress anyone, a voice calls from behind us.
“I’ll show you where you are for the night!” Gaby says. We stop and let her catch up, and I can’t help but notice a sparkle in her eye that usually means she’s up to trouble.
She’s always up to trouble, though, so I try not to put too much weight into it.
“Come on, you two,” Lochlan says, whistling for the dogs to follow us.
“Oh, is Mamá okay with them sleeping with us?” I ask Gaby.
Gaby snorts. “I think the general vibe is that if they pee on the bed, you guys have to clean it up. But yeah.”
“That’s fair,” Lochlan says sagely.
“Are most people staying over?” I ask as Gaby leads us upstairs. Some of my relatives come from a fair distance and more people than usual joined us for the day. I assumed a few families might have organized motels, but now I’m not so certain.
Sure enough, Gaby nods. “It’s okay, though. Your mom’s worked her magic and made room for everyone. Don’t worry, you’re back in your room.”
She winks at me again and scampers ahead to the door of my childhood bedroom. Mercifully, Mamá and I redecorated it before I went off to college precisely because she does like to host as much of the family as she can during the holidays. I didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable sleeping there.
Mind you, while a lot of my relatives would probably find it intimidating to have a Klingon Bird of Prey ship looming over the bed as they slept, I bet Lochlan would have gotten a kick out of it.
Not that he’s going to be sleeping here tonight.
“Cool,” I say as we approach a proud looking Gaby. She’s swung the door open and is presenting the room like a gameshow assistant displaying a fabulous prize. “And where’s Lochlan?”
She laughs and lightly slaps my chest. “Oh, no one gives a shit about that, babe. If you can’t resist the urge to fuck, just keep it quiet so the kids don’t hear. Hell, so I don’t hear.”
“W-what?” I splutter. My feet feel like they’ve rooted to the spot and my heart is suddenly racing a million miles an hour. “Mamá said she made up two beds?”
Gaby snorts and pats my chest before releasing me. “No, she said she made up lots of beds. I was there, I heard her. I also helped make them all.” She pinches my cheek, but I’m too stunned to react. “I made sure you got the best sheets and fluffiest pillows. Now say ‘Thank you, Tia Gaby.’”
I blink, too full of dread to play along with her joke. But my mind is also whirring. If I want my family to believe we’re a couple, I’m not going to get very far by refusing to share a bed. In fact, I should be acting relieved and excited right now.
Doing my best to smile and look coy, I rub the back of my neck. “If you’re sure Mamá and Papá won’t mind?”
She claps Lochlan’s shoulder in a friendly manner and winks at me. “I promise you, mijo, they’re thrilled.”
With that, she wiggles her fingers at us and strolls away. Which means I no longer have an excuse not to look at Lochlan.
I wince, peeking over at him. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“Ah, it’s fine,” Lochlan says with a shrug as he wanders into the room, looking around appreciatively. I hurry after him and the dogs come as well, sniffy everything they can shove their noses into. “I’m used to sharing sleeping space when I’m on shift.”
“Yes, but not…” My words die in my throat as I realize Gaby’s given me the duvet cover and pillows from when I was five. The set with cartoon trucks, diggers, and cars all over it. “Not that,” I say, indicating the source of my mortification. Why couldn’t they at least have been the ones with the Toy Story aliens on? “Honestly, I didn’t think we even still had those sheets.”
Lochlan just shakes his head. Even though I’m dying inside at the thought of sharing a room with him, let alone a bed, I kind of assumed that he’d be cracking jokes to lighten the mood.
“Seriously, dude, I don’t mind,” he smiles but it looks heavy, like now that we’re alone he’s…sad about something. Awkward, I’d understand. Amused or even pissed off. But sad? I’m not quite sure what’s going on. But before I can ask, he points at the bed. “Look, new toothbrushes. Just like your mom promised. Do you mind if I freshen up?”
I’m so thrown by his attitude that I simply nod as he grabs one of the packages. “Uh, sure. Why don’t you take my en suite, and I’ll use the bathroom in the hall.”
That gets a slightly happier smile out of him, which makes me a little less nervous. But I’m still feeling confused as I take myself out into the hall again. Then confusion morphs into something uglier.
All my old fears crawl back up my chest and into my throat like they’ve never left. I barely register brushing my teeth as I start worrying that I’ve upset him somehow. That I’m going to walk back into that room and find him disappointed in me, which is so much worse than just being plain old mad.
Except Lochlan isn’t Shane and I really need to get a grip on myself.
When I do return, there is a shock waiting for me. Just not the kind I was expecting.
“Oh, hey!” Lochlan says brightly, as if he’s not standing in my old bedroom wearing nothing but his goddamned briefs. The way they cling to his ass, thighs and… bulge …leave nothing to the imagination. I quickly avert my eyes, but he doesn’t seem to notice or be bashful at all. Like he always parades his muscular body around in his gay friend’s childhood homes.
“Hey,” I manage to say in a strangled voice. He’s busy folding his clothes into a neat pile on top of my dresser, so I get a second to see that his chest is sprinkled with freckles and soft red hair, just the way I’d imagined.
Oh, god. This is how I die.
“Do you have a side?” he asks. He lifts Queenie then Rocky onto the bed where they start running around and sniffing the bedding. Please don’t pee now, I beg silently. This moment is awkward enough.
“Hmm?” I blink and drag my gaze up to meet his, desperately hoping he didn’t catch me drinking in all six foot five inches of golden skin and thick, juicy muscles. Dios mío, I’m having fantasies about being crushed by those legs again.
Lochlan points at the bed. “A side that you prefer to sleep on.”
“Oh,” I say, understanding but absolutely not caring. “Um, no. You?” I’m lying, of course. My side is the one he’s on. But the thought of him coming any closer to me in this state is making my brain short circuit.
“I’m good here,” he says thankfully, and pulls back the covers, getting comfy in the bed where I jerked off nonstop when I was a teenager.
This is fine, I tell myself as both dogs rush to lick his face, their tails wagging furiously.
Now what? The idea of stripping down and sharing a mattress is terrifying. But at the same time, I’m never going to get comfy enough to sleep in jeans. It’s not a long drive I have to do tomorrow, but I still don’t want to be awake all night. It’s the same reason I’m not doing the noble thing and offering to sleep on the floor. This whole charade has exhausted me in the past few days leading up to it, plus all the memories I’ve been stirring up about Shane. I suddenly just want to sleep so badly I could cry. I just want my brain to stop.
After a few torturous moments of deliberation, I pull off my pants and socks, staying in my underwear and T-shirt. There, that should be both comfortable and modest.
“Okay, settle,” Lochlan says firmly to the dogs and points to his feet. Queenie trots down to lie at the end of the bed right away, but Rocky takes a little more encouraging, giving me a few extra seconds to think.
All I have to do now is get into a bed with the ridiculously hot straight man that I’m head over heels for. No big deal.
He doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo that we’re supposed to be stressed, though. By the way he’s got his hands under his head, he looks completely relaxed. Or maybe not relaxed…but lost in thought. He certainly seems oblivious to the turmoil I’m going through, which is probably a blessing. But how is this not wildly uncomfortable for him?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see me as sexual in the slightest. That thought is depressing enough that it strangely quiets some of my nerves. I finally pull back the covers and get under them before he can notice my hovering and ask why I’m being weird.
Even though he’s the one being weird, in my opinion.
As soon as I lie down, he flips on his side, frowning at me and biting his lower lip. The lamp is still on behind him, but since I closed the door to the landing, we’re now mostly in shadow. I was hoping the low lighting might have hidden my skinny body, but let’s be real. I’d need some serious CGI to turn me from Steve Rogers into Captain America.
“Hey,” Lochlan says softly, pulling me from the anxious, random thoughts that were no doubt doing their best to distract me from the situation I’ve found myself in.
“Hey,” I say back. Maybe if we talk a little, it’ll somehow be miraculously less awkward when we try and sleep without accidentally kicking each other. “Again, I’m so sorry about all this. You agreed to do me this ridiculous favor, and now–”
“Gaby told me about Shane,” he blurts out, his expression pinched.
“Oh,” I say softly. Well, at least he’s succeeded in distracting me from my previous worries. But now my brain is scrambled with a whole load of new anxieties.
“I’m so sorry, dude,” Lochlan says in distress. “She thought you’d already mentioned it to me, then she was determined to give me the scoop because she was worried you wouldn’t tell me because you were ashamed—which you definitely shouldn’t be—and, well, she was basically like ‘this is what he’s been through, so if you hurt him, I’ll kick your ass.’ I understand if you’re mad.”
When it’s clear he’s finished speaking, I take a deep breath and attempt to assess how I’m really feeling. Because, yeah, I really didn’t want him to hear how weak and stupid I was.
But he’s not looking at me like that’s what he thinks at all. In fact, he seems upset. Like…actual tears pooling in his eyes.
I can’t stand that he’s fretting about what my reaction is going to be.He hasn’t done anything wrong, not really.
“I’m not mad,” I assure him genuinely. Before I can think better of it, I reach out and cover his big hand with one of my smaller ones. “I was afraid of what you’d think of me if you found out. But I know Gaby was just trying to protect me from doing something so stupid again.”
His frown depends. “Stupid?” he repeats.
I sigh and look away from him into the gloom. “Letting myself get fooled like that. Manipulated.”
Lochlan’s face morphs into something…incredulous. “You’re not stupid or foolish or anything like that!” he cries. “You’re brave! Dario, I’m so proud of you!”
For a second, I’m speechless. “Proud? I was a complete idiot!” My throat is getting tight and hot tears sting my eyes, but I do my best to choke the words out. “I believed the lies he fed me about my old friends! My family. I had to escape my old house when he was away with the help of a police escort.”
Lochlan shifts and grabs my hand between both of his, eyes blazing. “Exactly. That must have been so scary. But you did it. You got out and you’ve already built yourself a whole new life!”
He’s got it all wrong and I shake my head, clenching my jaw before I speak. “I should never have gotten into that situation in the first place. If I had any sense, I wouldn’t have.”
Lochlan’s brow knits as he stares at me. “It’s not about sense. You’re a nice guy and he was an asshole. That’s not your fault.”
“It is my fault!”
I shout so loudly the dogs lift their heads and whimper. I don’t want to upset them or for any of my family to hear me, though. So I take a breath and at least lower my voice if I can’t control my emotions.
“I stayed so long and pushed everyone else away,” I choke out, tears spilling down my face. “I told them they were the crazy ones. I was a coward. I should have?—”
In a sudden flurry of movement, Lochlan has dragged me against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I’m so stunned that I just freeze, but he presses his temple against mine and makes a keening noise.
“Dario,” he rasps. “A lot of people never escape. You know that, right? I’ve seen it so many times in my job. People stay or…or worse. So much worse. I think this is why Gaby told me the whole story. Because if you really think you were a coward or stupid or any of those things you just said, maybe you do need your boyfriend to convince you otherwise.” He lets out a puff of air and a small chuckle. “Or at least your pretend boyfriend.”
After a few seconds, I remember how to breathe again. My head is swimming and I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of Lochlan’s strong body encircling me as well as his warm, woodsy, spicy sent. I’m not strong enough to resist. I tuck my face against his neck and my entire body shudders for a moment.
“I know it could have ended much worse,” I mumble after a while. His embrace tightens around me. “It doesn’t stop me from feeling weak and foolish but…thank you, Lochlan. It means a lot to me that you care.”
“Of course I care,” he says, sounding relieved. “And I promise that you’ll never have to go through anything like that again.”
“I know,” I agree, feeling a little of that relief myself. “My family has been incredible throughout it all.”
“No doubt,” he says fondly. “But I meant you have me now. If anybody even thinks about trying something like that with you again, I’ll kick their ass back into the last century.”
I laugh weakly, but my appreciation runs true and deep. I don’t doubt he means that. My golden retriever friend, who has no idea what cradling me in bed while we’re both mostly naked is doing to me. My body is going haywire.
But my heart feels like one of the jagged fissures that’s been there for so long has just been superglued back together.
I realize I’m drifting off to sleep in his arms, but I don’t fight it. Lochlan Bell might not be my boyfriend, but he’s the best pretend boyfriend I could ever ask for.
It’s not much. However, after everything I’ve been through, I’ll take it.