13. Lochlan
CHAPTER 13
Lochlan
“This asshole wouldn’t even let Dario have a Trekkie mug in the house,” I continue to rant, aware that I’m sounding like a broken record. But it’s been six days, and I’m just as pissed about everything I learned over Thanksgiving as ever. “Like, he totally got a kick out of making Dario feel small. After I found out, Dario called himself stupid so many times. He’s the smartest person I know!”
Lili sighs and puts her weights down. We were supposed to be working out in between calls, but it’s like my brain can’t focus on anything else right now. I feel bad for distracting her, but she’s my best friend and I really, really need help sorting this out. Because my other, new best friend is already beating himself up enough about it all, so I can’t talk to him again.
“Sorry for being a pain in the ass,” I mumble, dropping down to sit on the rowing machine.
“Yeah, you are,” she says, rolling her eyes. But she also reaches out and grabs my arm. “You know why? Because finding out someone you care about was in an abusive relationship is a total mindfuck. I get that you feel completely helpless right now because unless you find yourself a Delorean, you’re not going back in time to stop it.”
I perk up with a little smile. It always tickles me when she says something dorky to get me out of my feelings. Normally she deliberately confuses Star Wars and Star Trek just to piss me off, but she’s right about this one. I’d love Doc Brown’s time machine to scare that jerk Shane into switching colleges before he could ever meet Dario.
But then he’d just have found some other sweet guy to terrorize, no doubt. That bums me out again.
“I can’t stand that this guy is still living rent free in Dario’s head,” I say. “Dario should be proud that he was able to get himself away safely. But he still feels like it was his fault. Like he was asking for it.”
Lili tugs my hand and pulls me to come sit on the workout bench next to her. “That’s what these people do,” she says, wrapping her arm around my back. “They gaslight and manipulate their victims so they can control their every move. It’s how they get their sick kicks. Then they isolate the person they supposedly love so their friends and family can’t make them see how awful the situation is.”
“‘Love,’” I scoff, feeling my blood rush as I clench my fists. “What Shane did is nothing like love. It’s the opposite of love.”
“I know, hon,” Lili says sympathetically, patting my shoulder. She takes a breath and holds it long enough that I look at her and frown. She narrows her eyes at me and exhales, seeming like she’s deciding what she wants to say next. “I think you know all about the right kind of love.”
Oh. Why was she worried about saying that? “Damn straight I do,” I grumble. “When you love someone, you do everything you can to lift them up and support them.”
“No, not ‘damn straight,’” she says with a tired laugh, shaking her head. “Damn not straight. Beast, buddy. You know you’ve been doing nothing but lifting up and supporting Dario since you met him, right?”
I’m really not following her. “Yeah, cuz he’s my friend. I love my friends like I love my family. We’ve been over this! Please don’t make it weird. I’m straight.”
She covers her eyes with her hand for a second and makes a little squeaking sound before looking at me again. “Are you, though? And before you say ‘yes’ I want you to really, really think about it. Did it feel uncomfortable pretending to be this guy’s boyfriend for two whole days?”
“No, it was easy,” I say with a shrug. “Even when his mom made us up his old bed to share for the night. Dario’s just so cool to be around. It didn’t bother me.”
She blinks slowly at me. “You’re only telling me now that you slept together?”
“Yeah, as in sleeping,” I fire back at her. “There weren’t enough beds and, besides, it would have made his family suspicious if we’d freaked out. They think we’re dating, remember?”
“Did you even think about offering to sleep on the floor?” she asks.
“No,” I tell her, then my insides run cold. “Oh, shit. Do you think Dario was uncomfortable?”
She holds her hands up. “I don’t know. Did he say anything about sleeping on the floor?”
I shake my head. “No. He was only worried that I’d be uncomfortable, but honestly, I was already so upset about Shane, the bed thing didn’t seem important. And he was totally cool when we snuggled, so?—”
Lili goes all floppy and slides to the floor, the back of her hand pressed to her forehead, as if she’s having a fainting fit. “There was snuggling, too?” she demands from by my knee.
“Dario was crying about Shane,” I explain. “I didn’t know what else to do to calm him down and make him see sense. It was, um, nice, though.”
My skin prickles and I feel a bit hot remembering just how nice and right it had felt to finally shield Dario with my body like I’d wanted to since the moment Gaby had spilled the beans. It was like I’d been all consumed with the idea that if I could just stand between Dario and all the bad things in the world, I could protect him in a way he hadn’t been protected before. As soon as I’d pulled him against me, it was like that momma bird finally chilled out and stopped trying to peck everyone else. We’d fallen asleep like that.
I’d spent every night since then falling asleep while hugging a pillow and thinking about it. Thinking about him. Which…okay, maybe was a little out of the ordinary.
I open and close my mouth a couple of times, trying to organize my thoughts. “I just wanted to protect him,” I say weakly, aware I’m becoming repetitive.
Lili puts her hands on my thigh then rests her chin on her knuckles. “You want to protect everyone,” she says softly. “You do it every day, and not just at work. I reckon you’d step in front of a moving train if you thought it would save someone’s life. But here’s my question: Do you think you’d snuggle with any of the guys here at the One-Thirteen?”
“Um…maybe?” I say. It’s hard to picture, but if any of my guys were crying, then I’m sure I’d hug them.
But would I hug them in bed? Wearing only my briefs? Again, I hadn’t even thought about that with Dario, but would I do that with Rico? Sawyer? Del?
Lili sighs again and heaves herself to her feet. “Come on,” she says, taking my hand and pulling me up as well. “Let’s go do some science.”
I don’t protest as she leads me into the common area where most of the guys are chilling or cleaning the rigs. It looks like Teddy has just come back from giving Rocky a quick run around the block like he said he was going to while Lili and I were in the gym. Now they’re playing tug with a rainbow-colored knotted rope.
“Uh, quick question!” Lili shouts by way of an announcement. I’m suddenly nervous what she’s going to do as everyone looks our way. “When you have a friend who is very upset about something, what do you do?”
“Invite myself over with beer and nachos to watch the game,” Sawyer says from the sofa without missing a beat. “Unless they’re more of a pink wine, ice cream, and rom com type of person. I’m flexible like that.”
He grins as Anton snorts. “Yeah, we’ve all heard about how flexible you are. Personally, I find art therapy works on all ages.”
Del looks up from his paperback. “Be a good listener,” he says sincerely.
“Bake them their favorite treat,” Yara says from the kitchen where she is indeed baking.
“Flowers,” Gene chips in with a haunted look in his eyes. “Doesn’t matter what happened or who’s fault it really was. Just go with flowers.”
Lili tilts her head to look at me like some kind of owl. “Interesting. Okay, gang, how do we feel about hugs?”
“Depends who we’re hugging,” Teddy say with a slight frown before scooping a wriggling Rocky up. “Puppies get ALL the hugs! Don’t they, Rocky? Yes, they do.”
Sawyer’s nodding, though. “Yeah. A good hug can go a long way.”
“Seems a little extreme to me,” Gene grumbles, crossing his arms.
Lili licks her lips and taps her chin. “So that probably means snuggling in bed for the night is a step too far, hmm?”
She’s met with a general air of confusion that makes me nervous again. No one’s asking why she’s got all these questions, but it probably won’t take them long to figure stuff out. I want to defend myself and clarify the circumstances, but Anton speaks before I can. “For a friend?” he asks.
Lili laughs. “Oh, no, sorry. That would be for a significant other.”
The whole room seems to let out a breath and laugh. “Oh, yeah,” Sawyer says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Then snuggling is basically the first thing you do.”
“A great number of studies show that being held is extremely therapeutic,” Del says sagely.
“That doesn’t seem like anybody else’s business,” Gene mutters, easing farther down in his armchair, the tips of his ears tinged pink.
“Who’s upset, anyway?” Rico asks, coming closer to us with his coffee mug in hand.
I get the feeling that if anyone’s worked it all out, it’s him. Because I’ve been yapping about Dario’s shitty ex all this shift and the previous one as well, and he’s the kind of guy that pays attention. Del has most likely put it together as well, but he’s too polite to call me out on my shit like Rico would.
Lili shakes her head at him, though. “Oh, it’s just a hypothetical, Lieutenant. Proving a point to this egghead here. I think Gene’s right. The answer is probably flowers. Thanks, guys!”
Gene gives us a salute and appears relieved that we’re not going to make him talk about his feelings anymore. Lili ushers me back toward the bunk room. My head is spinning so much that I don’t resist.
“Okay, so, I’m weird,” I say dejectedly as she pushes me to sit on the bed I consider mine. Obviously, I share it with people on the other shifts. But when I’m here, it gives me a little familiar comfort. “Message received.”
“What? No! Urgh.” Lili plops beside me and cups either side of my face. “Please listen to me as your bisexual elder.”
“You’re like…six years younger than me,” I point out.
She scowls at me. “Yeah, but I’m really, really bisexual, so shut up and listen. I know it might be kind of scary to discover something new about yourself, but just because it’s a surprise doesn’t make it not true.”
“What’s not true? Or…true?”
She rubs her thumbs against my cheeks. “That you are crazy about Dario and it’s not platonic. And before you hit me with all that ‘I’m straight!’ stuff, just sit with that thought for a second. What would it mean if you had feelings for this guy? Would it be so terrible?”
“I never said it would be terrible,” I argue hotly. But then the fight blows out of me almost immediately. “It’s just not who I am.”
She lets go of my face and takes my hands in hers instead. “But what if it is? Can you just let your imagination run free for a second and see how it makes you feel? Like, you said sharing a bed was nice. Is there anything else you can think of that was nice in a more close and personal way?”
It feels like there’s a horse in my chest that wants to buck at everything she’s saying. But I trust her, so I do what she says and just sit for a second with the idea.
Sharing a bed was nice. Cuddling was nice. And… “I liked holding hands,” I say, unable to stop myself smiling at the memory. “I figured that was just because it had been a while since I did that with anyone, but…maybe it was because it was Dario.”
Whoa. It’s almost like I can feel something blossoming inside me. It’s light and bright and kinda sparkly.
Do I have a crush on my friend? On a guy?
Lili seems to be watching me have all these thoughts. Her eyebrows raise when I meet her gaze again. “Dario is special, right?”
“But…” I say, still very much wrestling with all of this. “But if I was…if I am… bi …surely I’d have figured that out by now, right? I’m thirty-three, for god’s sake.”
She shrugs. “I mean, what took me ages to work out that not everyone is bi. It always seemed natural to me. But sexuality, like a lot of things, is on a scale. Maybe you’re just a little bit bi. Maybe you’re Dario-sexual. It doesn’t really matter. You can label it however you want or not at all. All that matters is how you feel about him.”
I chew on my lip. “How do I know if it’s a crush or if it’s just friendship, though?”
Lili tilts her head like an owl again. “How do you normally tell with a lady?”
Honestly, I don’t seem to crush on all the many girls, not like other guys I know or in movies. I have to really get to know them first, so it’s not just that I think they’re pretty. I need to like their personality as well.
But…wasn’t one of my first thoughts about Dario that he was pretty? It was, I remember, because I was worried that was creepy or strange. But maybe it was just…bisexual?
“Um,” I say to fill the silence all my whirling thoughts have created. “I normally ask a girl out because I can’t get her off my mind and I just want to spend more time with her. I like girls who are smart and cool and funny and got a bit of spunk, you know? They’re…”
“Brave?” Lili suggests, her expression warm and her tone hopeful.
I slump back and drag my hand down my face, blinking a couple of times as I stare at nothing in particular.
Brave. Dario is brave. And everything else I just said. I do think about him all the time and we’ve been hanging out as much as possible already.
I still love all my friends here and outside of work and my family as well. But haven’t I been saying for weeks that Dario’s quickly become my favorite person of them all?
Shit.
It hits me all of a sudden that this has quite possibly been in front of my face the entire time. I was just too afraid of such a huge change in my life to admit it.
“Do I have romantic feelings for Dario?” I whisper. “Am I bisexual?”
I look back to see her smiling. “I think those are questions worth asking, my friend.” She pats my shoulder and stands up. “Here’s another one. I think you need to spend some serious time thinking about whether or not you’d like to do more than hold hands and snuggle with Dario.”
“Like what?” I say, my brain too mushy to get what she’s saying.
Her expression is kind, though. “Like kissing, perhaps?”
That makes me gulp. Kissing is such a leap from hugging. However, it doesn’t make me freak out like I thought it might. In fact…didn’t I kiss him on the head at Thanksgiving? I’m pretty sure I did. Would it be so different to try it on the lips?
“What if he doesn’t want to kiss me back?” I ask.
Her smile turns into a beaming grin. “That sounds like a question you need to ask Dario, don’t you think?”
I puff out my cheeks. She’s probably right. But of course that’s the moment the alarm goes and we have to sprint into action. As always, my focus from then on is laser sharp on the call and the ones that come after it.
However, I spend the in-between times pondering all of Lili’s questions and more. By the time morning comes, I feel more confused than ever. There’s one thing I know for certain, though, and that is that I need to speak to Dario in person. As soon as possible.
Even if it’s going to be ten times scarier than all the burning buildings I just ran into.