18. Dario
CHAPTER 18
Dario
I feel like I’ve been walking around in a dream for days, and I don’t seem to be waking up.
Good. After the nightmare I lived through, I think I’m owed some happy dreams.
Lochlan and I have met up a few times since things changed between us, and so far, the other shoe hasn’t dropped. There’s been no hint that he’s feeling anything other than what he’s told me. It’s pretty scary to go against my gut instinct and trust him, but I have to try.
Because I’m so happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my whole life, actually. Ever since I left Shane, the best I’ve promised myself I could be was not unhappy. Floating around like I’m on cloud nine has come as quite a shock.
But a very welcome one.
My colleagues have probably noticed a change in me, especially the morning after Lochlan and I first hooked up when I brought in a massive box of donuts ‘for no reason.’ But nobody’s called me out on anything yet. It’s not really a ‘water cooler moment’ type of office where people stand around and gossip, though, luckily for me.
Still, I can’t help but feel I’m walking on sunshine, like that eighties song. In fact, I have to catch myself sometimes to make sure I don’t start skipping. After so many weeks of imagining what it might be like to kiss my new friend, then feeling ashamed for betraying his trust in that way, it’s still incredibly hard to believe that this is reality. If I’ve somehow slipped into a parallel universe, I don’t ever want to go back.
There’s been so much kissing. And snuggling. And…naked snuggling. With orgasms.
Seeing as we jumped in with blow jobs right from the start, I’m totally okay that things haven’t gone further than that. Because honestly, where we’re at is still so new and exciting. It’s thrilling, exploring each other’s bodies and being so intimate.
Everything’s different between us now, however, not just that we’re having sex. Simply having dinner together or walking the dogs feels like it’s got a completely different vibe to it. And I know we held hands before, but that was to practice being pretend boyfriends. When Lochlan has reached for me over the past several days, it’s like there’s electricity running between us.
I still can’t believe he wants to be seen holding my hand in public, nor that he wants to do it all the freaking time. It takes my breath away.
Coming out was such a terrifyingly big deal to me, but he’s so blasé, I’m almost envious of him. Except I’m not, because I want it to be that easy for him. For everyone, actually, but especially him. He’s so damn pure. Why should realizing something new about his sexuality be frightening or cause him stress? He’s right. Anyone who thinks being queer is a problem is the dumb one, not Lochlan.
But it’s not just him coming out. It’s him claiming me. Of being proud to be seen by strangers and people he might know with me. That’s wild.
I’m still wrestling internally to feel worthy of that, but I’m forcing myself to relax and enjoy it whenever it happens. I want it so badly, and I’m slowly accepting that it’s okay to get the things I want. That’s allowed. In fact, it’s wonderful.
“You heading out, Dario?” one of my colleagues asks as he passes by my cubicle. I blink and check the time on my screen. Wow, yeah. It’s already five o’clock.
“Oh, sure,” I say, frowning and wondering if I should finish what I’m doing or leave it until the morning. “Don’t wait for me, though. I need to wrap this up.”
He smiles and nods, wishing me a nice evening. Looking around, I can tell I’m the last one here, at least until the cleaning staff arrive. That’s what happens when you lose yourself in daydreams, I suppose.
Except being with Lochlan isn’t a daydream. It’s as real as it gets, and I remind myself yet again that I deserve it.
Smiling to myself, I close the program I was working on. I go to shut down the whole machine, but then I notice I’ve got a personal email. Not many people or companies have my new address yet as I’ve been very careful when I use it and the things that I sign up for. So I’m apprehensive when I click on my inbox, but after a second I relax.
It’s from Big Bark Bootcamp, specifically from our instructor, Zoe. The message isn’t long and it’s followed by a link.
Hi, Dario!
I couldn’t find you on Instagram to tag you, but I thought you might like to see this. It’s also been posted on our Facebook page, but you can’t see that without an account, so if you don’t have socials, I figured Insta would be best for you to see. Anyway, have a nice evening and see you on Saturday!
Zoe
I click on the blue link, which opens up to show me the most gorgeous photo of me, Lochlan, Rocky and Queenie from our last training class. Rocky is leaping in the air for a treat as the rest of us watch on, laughing. It strikes me that this is my first glimpse of seeing Lochlan and I from the outside. Even though we don’t look like a couple, just seeing us side by side does something to me, bringing a lump to my throat.
We look so good together.
The caption is promoting our class’s particular time slot, inviting people to sign up for the next course. But I’m simply captivated by staring at Lochlan and I for a good few minutes.
Until reality drags me from cloud nine, sending me crashing back down to earth.
This photo is on the internet. Zoe even said in her email that she sent me to Instagram not Facebook as I could see it here without the need for an account.
Anyone can see it.
Or search for it, if they have other photographs of me.
Nausea sweeps through me, and I push my wheely chair away from my desk, my hands flying over my mouth.
There was an extremely good reason why I deleted all of my social media accounts last year, and that reason hasn’t gone away. Shane is just as tech savvy as I am. I have no doubt that he would have scoured the web for me when I left, trying to find out where I’d gone. He isn’t allowed to show up at my parents’ or tia’s house without getting in trouble. My new place isn’t part of the restraining order because he’d have to be informed of the address in order for him to be able to stay away from it. But I’d rather sacrifice that so-called protection to make sure he doesn’t know the address.
In theory, there’s no way he could know it.
But here’s my face in this photo as clear as day, telling people which park we meet in every Saturday and at what time.
I think I’m going to be sick.
I run to the bathroom and steady myself over one of the sinks, taking long, deep breaths to try and calm myself. When I no longer think I might heave, I splash water on my face, then look at my reflection in the mirror.
Shane doesn’t know who I am anymore. Actually, I don’t think he ever knew the real me. Just the small, weak version of me that he carefully crafted by mentally beating me down into submission. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life cowering from him.
But I do need to be sensible.
Drying my hands and face, I walk back to my cubicle, glad that the janitor hasn’t arrived yet. I need some time to think. My knee-jerk reaction is to email Zoe back and ask her to remove the post. I don’t have to explain why, I can just say ‘for personal reasons.’ She’s lovely, I’m sure she’d understand.
On the other hand, I know that the damage has already been done. Nothing can ever truly be scrubbed from the internet once it’s been put out there. More than that, though, I don’t want the photo to be taken down. Yes, I need to stay safe. But I don’t want to disappear from existence. That doesn’t seem fair that Shane should get away with doing that to me.
And…this photo is just so beautiful. Even in my fear, I can’t stop looking at it. This is proof that Lochlan and I exist as a couple. That we’ve occupied the same space and time. Will I look back and regret not preserving this moment?
Well, I can certainly ask Zoe for a copy of it for myself. As to whether I should ask her to take it down, it strikes me that’s not a decision I have to make alone. In fact, I probably shouldn’t make it alone.
I should talk to the other person in the picture. My partner. The person I’m seeing exclusively. My best friend.
My maybe-possibly-hopefully-not-fake boyfriend.
Realizing that I have someone I can rely on these days makes me feel slightly dizzy. I genuinely never thought I’d have something like this again. Or ever, I suppose. Shane might have been my boyfriend, but ultimately, he only controlled me. It wasn’t a partnership. He didn’t trust or respect me like Lochlan does.
Okay, so my mind is made up not to do anything until I talk with him. However, I do still think I should take action as soon as possible if I’m going to get it taken down to at least try and minimize its damage. The problem is, I know Lochlan is at work.
I also know that he’s drilled into me many times that I should feel free to swing by whenever I want to. He’s told me that family members and friends do it all the time. So long as they know that the alarm could sound at any moment and not to get in the way of that, it’s fine.
I never thought I’d actually take him up on that offer, but as I stare at the photo a little longer, I know that I won’t be able to get a moment’s rest until I talk this through with him and get his opinion.
Making up my mind, I quickly log on to my camera app and check that Queenie is okay at home. I popped in to walk her at lunchtime, so she’ll be fine for a few more hours. Not that this should take that long, I’m sure. But seeing her sound asleep in the living room calms my frayed nerves.
After that, I move quickly to shut everything down and get out of the office, not giving myself a chance to change my mind. Still, as I drive across town, my nerves grow and grow into something monstrous.
No matter how logical I try and keep my thoughts, by the time I park, I’m convinced that Lochlan is going to yell at me for bothering him. The only thing that gets me out of the car is the knowledge that I have to make a decision about the photo as soon as possible, and Lochlan is in that photo. He should get a say.
A small voice at the back of my head reminds me that I want his opinion and that I trust him. If he’s going to be my maybe-possibly-hopefully-not-fake boyfriend, then I want to talk to him about important things. My therapist will definitely be proud I’m doing this.
I’m still a nervous wreck.
The firehouse is situated on a spacious street just off the highway intersection, which makes sense as it gives them easy access to the main road into town as well as the interstate. It’s a large but quite unremarkable building, with sandy walls, terracotta tiles, and an American flag hanging from a pole out front. I see the truck, engine and ambulance all parked outside, so I’m guessing they’re not out on a call.
My heart is thumping so fast and hard I’m worried it’s going to explode out of my chest like a baby Xenomorph. But I force my feet to keep walking.
However, when a familiar barking reaches my ears, it’s like all my fears melt away.
A gangly bundle of flailing Dalmatian limbs comes streaking around the corner of the big red engine. “Rocky, no!” a panicked voice I don’t recognize calls after him.
“It’s okay!” I yell back, crouching down to greet my other favorite four-legged friend. “I’ve got him. Hello, Rocky. Are you being a bad boy?”
Rocky throws himself on his back, demanding belly rubs from me as his tail whirls like helicopter blades. I laugh and oblige him, looking up as someone runs into view, presumably the guy who was worried about Lochlan’s very naughty puppy racing into traffic. Not that there is any on this road right now, but I immediately appreciate his concern.
He looks younger than me, but some people have baby faces that follow them into their thirties, or so I’ve heard. He’s an adorable blond either way, and he narrows his eyes at me as he rests his hands on his hips.
“Hi there?” he says, but clearly what he’s asking is ‘Who are you and why did this dog escape me to come find you?’
“Hi,” I say, trying to swallow the nerves that are threatening to come back. “It’s okay, I know him. I mean, I know Lochlan. Um, let’s get out of the street, huh?”
As anxious as I am, I do want to get this excitable puppy away from the road, busy or not. So I stand and make eye contact with him like we’ve learned in class.
“Rocky, sit,” I say firmly.
His focus is completely on me as he does as he’s told, his tail only twitching a little as he waits for my next command. I reach into my record bag and slip my hand into the pocket where I keep Queenie’s treats, grateful that I find them on my first try.
“Good boy,” I tell Rocky, then point down by my feet. “Rocky, heel.” He jumps to stand by me. “Good boy. Rocky, come.” I don’t look at the blond cutie. I just march away from the sidewalk and into the open front of the firehouse, stopping just over the threshold. When I think we’re safe, I stop again. “Rocky, sit. Good boy!”
His butt barely touches the ground, but I’m already leaning down to give him his meaty treat, so I’ll allow it. His tail goes bananas again and he swallows the morsel I give him with hardly a chew, barking once more in excitement.
“You must be Dario,” the blond guy says, coming inside with us and folding his arms over his chest. He might be younger than me, but he’s already more built than I imagine I could ever be. “Yo! Beast Man! Come here!” he bellows, before stepping closer to me and extending his hand. “I’m Teddy, nice to meet you.”
“Yes, I’m Dario,” I say faintly as we shake. “How did you…?”
“Beast won’t shut up about you,” a feminine voice says as an Asian woman comes into view. She’s got high cheekbones that are accented more by how much she’s grinning. Her ponytail swings as she dashes over to me. She might be average height and build, but she grabs my hand so hard I’m worried something might crack. “Holy shit, you’re really here. And you’re cute AF! No wonder he’s gone gaga over you. I’m Lili, by the way. He might have mentioned me as the genius with the patience of a saint who made him realize he’s a bisexual motherfucker.”
I blink and try not to flinch as she releases my hand, but I do wriggle my fingers a little to encourage circulation again. “Lili, yes, I’ve heard a lot about you,” I say.
“All amazing, no doubt,” she says with a wink.
“Lochlan loves you,” I tell her genuinely before if I can consider if that’s something I should divulge. But it’s true. He beams whenever he talks about his best friend, even if he’s describing how she kicked his ass verbally or physically at something.
I’m about to wince at whether or not that was an overshare, when Lili squeaks and places her hand over her heart. “Holy fuck, you’re adorable. No wonder he’s obsessed.”
“Who’s obsessed with what?”
Two more guys round the corner of the engine, eyeing me curiously. They both look to be in their late twenties or early thirties and are ridiculously hot, just like everybody else I’ve seen from here so far. Is that some sort of requirement for being a firefighter that I was unaware of?
The one who spoke has light brown skin and a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. His friend is white with soft auburn hair. The way the speaker nudges his elbow against the other guy, I suspect they’re pretty good friends.
“Oh, hey! You’re not Beast’s new boyfriend, are you?” the mischievous one asks.
“B-Beast?” I stammer. I think that’s what Lili said, too. But also… boyfriend? I try not to blush. We haven’t agreed to that term yet.
I’m kind of hoping we’ll get there. But I’m just so scared to commit to anyone again, even if he is as awesome as Lochlan. The idea of being tied down with someone…of being trapped…it’s holding me back, even if it’s completely illogical.
The auburn guy rolls his eyes. “Ignore Sawyer. He’s a dick to everyone. Please don’t take it personally.”
“I wasn’t being a dick!” Sawyer protests. “I was asking a question. Nicely , I might add.”
“Guys, chill,” Lili says firmly. Unsurprisingly, they listen to her. “This is Beast’s friend, Dario. Dario, these assholes are Sawyer and Anton. Feel free to ignore them. We all do.”
Teddy snorts, making Rocky bark and wag his tail.
“Hey,” Anton says to Lili with a frown. “Not cool.”
“I-it’s okay,” I assure him quickly. “I don’t mind. It’s nice to meet Lochlan’s friends.”
Urgh, I hope that’s all right for me to say. Where is Lochlan? He might be mad that I’m saying stupid stuff in front of his colleagues. I’d be mortified if I embarrassed him in any way.
Speaking of which…
“Did someone say my name?”
My heart jumps in my chest as the man himself comes striding around the corner, grinning at his buddies. I have about half a second where my stomach drops in panic that I’ve made a terrible mistake.
Then Lochlan sees me, and I swear he melts like a human Popsicle.
“Dario,” he says softly, as if there’s no one else in the whole world watching us, let alone his colleagues in the firehouse. He drifts through the group, reaching his hands out to cradle either side of my face. “You’re here! Why are you here? Is everything okay?”
I make a croaking noise, momentarily forgetting how to talk as I look into his beautiful green eyes. Around us there’s a chorus of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs,’ but Lochlan ignores it, so I do, too.
“I…uh…”
Lochlan’s expression falls. “What’s wrong?” he asks more urgently.
“Nothing,” I say, shaking my head within the gentle grip of his hands. “I mean…no, yeah, there is something I need to talk to you about. But?—”
Of course that’s the moment the alarm goes off. Every single one of them freezes and looks upwards as the voice comes over the intercom. “Station One-Thirteen. Search and rescue. Critter Canyon Park. Structure failure.”
“The amusement park?” Sawyer says in confusion as they scatter like roaches.
“Less talking, more running!” a new voice bellows. As I scoop Rocky up and step back from all the people scrambling to get into their gear by the sides of the truck and the engine, a truly beautiful Black man strides into view. I’d guess he’s in his forties or fifties, maybe, and it’s clear from his body language that he’s in charge. “Hello?” he says.
Oh…fuck. He’s looking at me. “I-I’ll get out of your way,” I splutter immediately.
But Lochlan waves at the man and shakes his head. “Cap, that’s Dario. He came to talk to me about something important. Can he ride along with us?”
I blink. That wasn’t what I was expecting him to say. People do go with them on ride-a-longs, I guess. Lochlan’s mentioned it before, but usually it’s people’s niblings on minor calls.
However, I can’t help but latch onto the fact that Lochlan realized what I need to say is important and doesn’t want to leave me hanging without hearing it. That touches my heart so deeply, a lump rises in my throat.
The captain pauses as he’s about to mount the rig and narrows his eyes at me. “You wanna come along?”
My heart leaps. They would trust me like that? Lochlan wants me to come? I glance at him, and he nods furiously, grinning like this is the best day ever.
“Uh, yes, sir,” I tell him. “I’d be honored.”
The captain nods once, hauling himself inside the engine. “Shake a leg, then, son! You can bring the dog so long as he stays on his leash with you.”
“T-thank you,” I stammer.
Before I know it, Lochlan is helping bundle me and Rocky into the vehicle, wedging me between him and Lili with Rocky on my lap. The rig is already moving, but the driver—an older white gentleman I didn’t spot earlier—catches my eye in the rearview mirror and winks at me.
“Welcome to the One-Thirteen!” he cries cheerfully as he flicks a switch and the sirens start wailing.
I look around. Everyone is grinning at me, but Lochlan doesn’t seem to notice or care. He just slips his bulky arm around my back and hugs me to his side.
“Are you okay?” he asks sincerely.
For the first time since I saw that Instagram post, I finally relax and lean against his side. “I am now,” I tell him truthfully.
The picture can wait. Right now, my man has claimed me in front of all of his friends—his work colleagues, no less. I feel like I’m walking on sunshine again.
Nothing bad can touch me right now.