Chapter 20 #2
Over the years, one thing Chrissie had been thankful for was that Meg had never told anyone else why they were estranged.
Or at least nobody who Chrissie knew. She’d wondered whether it was because Meg was too ashamed, but she also knew deep down that while Meg had done bad things, she hadn’t helped matters either.
She’d refused to hear her sister out for so long.
All the hurt she held inside had had nowhere to go when she lost Anthony.
She’d almost reached out to her sister on the day of the wake, but seeing Meg disrespect the occasion by making out with Anthony’s former best man, she’d snapped, drawn a line under the relationship for good.
Years later, after ignoring any attempt from Meg to reach out, Chrissie had heard from their parents that her sister had a great job at a really successful chocolaterie in London.
Chrissie had been genuinely pleased for Meg, but it felt like too much had happened by then and so Chrissie drew a protective shell around herself.
She threw herself into single parenting, making sure Sarah had everything she needed, and didn’t have to face unnecessary hurts, and her protection of Sarah included not bringing Meg into her life.
Her sister might have found her way with her career, but who knew what the rest of her life was like and what she had or hadn’t shared with their parents.
‘I know I hurt you, Chrissie.’ Meg waited for Chrissie to meet her gaze.
‘I never stopped being sorry for the things I did and said, you know. I never once thought I was in the right, I never once thought any of it had been okay. There are reasons why I did the things I did, but none of them excuse my actions. All I could do was say sorry. But you ignored all my letters, phone calls and greeting cards. Mum and Dad didn’t want to get in the middle of our argument, and so, after a while, I decided the nicest thing I could do for you was to leave you alone. ’
‘I was always scared you’d do something worse than you’d done already.’ Chrissie was tired but adrenaline pushed her on. She’d contemplated leaving this until the morning, but she’d decided if Meg woke up and was all right, then she didn’t want to waste any more time.
‘You know what I’m most sorry about?’ Meg asked. ‘I’m sorry I never got to know Anthony.’
Chrissie felt a burst of emotion. Hearing the words was unexpected and her heart both expanded with joy and contracted with the pain of what had never been.
Meg continued, ‘From what Mum and Dad have told me, and from what I’ve learned in the short time I’ve been able to get to know Sarah, he was a wonderful husband and father. And I never gave him a chance. You have no idea how much I regret that.’
‘He was a wonderful man.’
‘You fell in love so quickly.’ She leant back against the pillows. ‘I was worried about you when you first met him. I think I assumed you were all over the place in the same way I was, but I should’ve known you weren’t, I should’ve seen that. I was in a bad place back then. That didn’t help.’
‘I know you were. Your life in London was nothing like I expected.’
‘Not for me either. And the weekend you came to visit I was so ashamed. I saw the disappointment in your eyes.’
‘It wasn’t disappointment, Meg. It was concern.’
‘We always did look out for each other when we were younger.’
‘Was that what you were doing when you stood up at our wedding and said those things?’
Meg covered her face. ‘I am beyond embarrassed, ashamed and devastated that I did that. I tried to tell you not to do it so many times before, but you wouldn’t listen.
I felt like I had to make you see it from my point of view.
At the church, I just kept remembering the way I held you when you were crying because Dad was away yet again.
I remembered you being upset seeing Mum worry so much, I thought about all the times you said you wanted your own family.
I remembered you crying once, asking why our dad had to do a job that was so dangerous. ’
‘I said that?’
‘You did. You were proud of him and his career, but when he was away you missed him so much.’ A look passed between them, one that reminded Chrissie of those years when they’d stuck together.
‘Anyway, thanks to a few drinks and a joint at your wedding, I decided that the best place to show my concern, once and for all, was at the church right before you said your vows.’
‘Worst timing ever.’ But after all this time, maybe finally Chrissie could see what had led her sister to behave that way.
‘Booze and pot were coping mechanisms for a long while, Chrissie, including on your wedding day. It was a recipe for disaster. And as for the cake at your reception…’
Silence fell over them as they both remembered the music in the reception hall coming to a stop, the gasps as the splattered cake on the floor drew all the attention in the room.
‘Not my finest moment at all,’ said Meg. ‘And as for my behaviour at the wake…’
Chrissie puffed out her cheeks. She knew she needed to let some of this go but it was hard, even after all these years. And yet, if she didn’t, when her sister was clearly remorseful, it would eat her up inside for the rest of her days.
‘I was too in love to listen to what you were saying, Meg. If I had, I might have been able to explain the way I felt about Anthony and his job. I worried, just like Mum, from the day I met him, but I knew that being without him because I was too afraid of what might happen would be the most painful thing of all.’
‘I didn’t understand love enough to see those things for myself,’ said Meg. ‘If I had, if I’d ever been in love, then maybe I would have.’
Chrissie still wanted to piece together the missing years. ‘I often thought about you, even after we fell out. Those people you lived with were bad news, and I was terrified of something happening.’
Meg nodded. ‘Eventually I woke up and saw what you probably saw, and I got out.’
‘I wish I’d stuck by you more, helped you to see it.’
‘I didn’t deserve my sister sticking by me when I was so dismissive about Anthony, when I was sure I knew what was best for you.’
‘How did you finally get out of the rut?’
‘I suppose I grew up a bit. One of the girls I lived with was a complete mess and I started to fear I’d go down the same path.
I knew I was the only one who could make the change, so I packed my bags and left.
I started to pull myself together. I kept working crappy jobs to cover my living expenses, I made a study plan so I could have a career.
It was a long plan and took time to get there. ’
‘But you did it.’ She smiled. ‘I’m proud of you, Meg.’
Meg’s eyes filled with tears.
‘I should’ve said that a long time ago.’