35. MAGDALEN
35
MAGDALEN
Theo is standing outside, smoking, when I walk up their driveway. He’s wearing another white T-shirt that’s slightly see-through, so I can see his stomach, the faint tracing of the tattoos across his ribs making it extra painful to look at him. I try to roll my suitcase quietly to buy some time, but I barely make it a few steps before he turns his head in my direction.
He stares at me and takes an inhale of his cigarette. One arm crossed over his chest, he breathes out deeply, clouding himself in his own smoke, and shakes his head before dropping it on the floor.
‘Magdalen.’
That is all he says as he walks down the driveway, which makes me realize I’ve stopped walking completely. My cheeks flush, embarrassed that he still can cause me to forget everything, even when he’s being an ass. I think of the girls at Oxford that would cry and get back with boys who broke their hearts, and how I’d roll my eyes at their silliness. I always assumed that when a man came into my life, I’d never let him affect me. But I’m no better. I would crawl on my hands and knees across this driveway to have Theo kiss me just one more time.
‘Good morning.’ He pushes his hair behind his ear, and I squeeze the handle of my luggage to stop myself from doing it for him. ‘I was just thinking about you, and then you appeared at the end of the driveway. I thought I might still be dreaming. My phantasma .’
‘Are you serious right now?’ I look behind me to see if this is a joke he’s playing on me with Dante hiding behind a rose bush.
‘I said I was just—’
‘No, I heard you.’ I turn back around to face him. ‘What happened to the “ Magdalen , no offence, but I’d rather kill myself in a bath of gasoline than hang out with you for more than ten seconds .”’ I try to imitate his voice, but it comes out more like a chain-smoking bullfrog.
Theo tilts his head back and laughs freely, one hand pressing his stomach. It’s such a wonderful sound that I unconsciously take a deep breath, wanting to capture it for myself. Giddy that it was me that caused his happiness. Remember Roberto , my brain screams. Someone who had shown me interest – took me out, bought me a drink, and told me I was pretty. But Theo places his large hand on my own, resting on the luggage, and Roberto becomes dust. My skin prickles at the contact, and I fight the urge to close my eyes and revel in it.
‘You’re funny.’ Theo looks down at our hands and wraps his fingers around my wrist, squeezing gently. ‘Let me, baby girl.’
My stomach flutters. Baby . Is he drunk? I check his eyes and can’t find anything to indicate a chemical imbalance, then try to mentally recall if we have already kissed and made up.
‘I got it,’ I say, trying to tug the suitcase back.
‘You should know by now that I usually get what I want.’
‘You lost the right to want anything from me after—’
‘After what I did in the archway,’ he finishes solemnly. ‘I know.’
‘And your impatience with my dress-up was quite rude as well,’ I add.
‘I know.’
‘Look, why don’t you save the grovelling for another girl. It’s clear that we don’t really know each other and I’m not in the mood to convince you I’m worth getting to know.’
He steps closer and the scent of clean cotton washes over me. Hair as dark as ink, glimmering in the afternoon light.
‘I’m getting really tired of people telling me I don’t fucking know you.’ His voice deepens. ‘Let me get to know you.’ The sun reflects off his necklace, which I now realize holds a simple gold ring. His eyes flutter to my mouth, and he sighs. ‘You don’t know how badly I want to.’
‘What is wrong with you? You only come to me when you’re bored with everyone else.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘It feels like it.’
He frowns, his grip faltering. If I were bolder, I would say something else. I would say: When you left me that night by the river, it felt like you carved something out of me. I let the words settle at the base of my throat until I can say anything at all.
He looks down at the ground for a split second, but it’s enough for his mask to slip. Suddenly, I can see all the dread and pain he’s been trying to hide behind his delicate touch of my wrist. It’s only for a second. He smirks again, ready to continue his fa?ade. How silly. I want to die. I’m not the object of his affection but the distraction from his pain.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’
I tug my hand from his grip, and he takes the opportunity to reach for the luggage handle.
‘Good, now leave me alone.’
He arches an eyebrow, and it’s so much like his father, so condescending and entitled, that I have to blink a few times to get the image out. ‘I miss you, Maggie.’
I blanch, jerking my head back to look at him. My mouth feels dry and wooden. ‘Romantic,’ I scoff.
Looking past him, I see Dante trying to hop the fence between our houses, and I attempt to make my way to the car again.
‘Does it have to be?’ He glances at who I’m looking at and grabs my wrist again. ‘Does it have to be romantic, I mean?’ His voice aims for casual, but I can see a flash of urgency in his eyes. Desperation. It startles me how completely desperate he is. Maybe I don’t want to die, after all.
‘We could just have fun,’ he suggests, and I bite my lip in order not to laugh at what a complete idiot he’s being.
‘This is arguably the least fun conversation I’ve ever had.’
‘I could be more fun, for you, sweet Magdalen.’
‘You’ll be whatever anyone wants you to be, right?’ I stop walking. I can feel my anger, ravenous and violent. ‘So long as you get what you want,’ I finish.
Theo stops walking. I can see muscles in his jaw tense and relax as if he’s swallowing the rebuttals he wants to throw back. ‘You know fuck-all about me.’
‘And he’s back!’ I give a slow clap and start walking faster towards the car.
‘Fuck, Magdalen. I’m complete shit at this.’
‘At what? Having a conversation for longer than five minutes without telling me what a repressed idiot I am?’ I roll my eyes, annoyed that I’ve humoured this conversation for as long as I have. Nothing has changed since the tennis club. Since my bloody tits and his silly haircut. Since my first real kiss.
He glances at Dante, who frowns at us before chucking the bread and preserves my mother bought into the trunk. Theo looks back at me. In this morning sun, his eyes almost glow yellow. But just as quickly, the shade shifts, and the tiredness in them reminds me of what a boy he really is.
‘I didn’t mean any of that,’ he blurts out awkwardly. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’ve said sorry before, baby .’
He stumbles quickly and I know he’s remembering the archway, too. Whispering ‘baby’ in my ear while I grind myself on him.
Turning to him again, I ask, ‘How can I trust you? I know fuck-all about you , yeah?’
‘Well, maybe I want someone to know me.’ He almost lifts his hand to touch me, but instead squeezes the handle of my luggage. ‘Maybe I want it to be you.’
‘Why the sudden change of heart? I thought I was annoying and inexperienced. I thought you hated getting me off. Isn’t that what you said? What part of that was enjoyable to you ?’
‘Christ, as if I haven’t been enjoying that memory every fucking day since.’ He kicks a pebble off the driveway as we walk.
My mind whirls. What the fuck is going on?
‘Listen, I’m saying sorry for the stupid shit I say. I... I can’t offer you more than this. I can’t give you the romance you deserve.’ He continues, finding his words. His voice becomes intent. Desperate. ‘I have no right to need you, I fucking know that, but, if you let me, I can show you what it should be like. What it can feel like. I’m sorry for everything I said. As much as I want you to know me, Magdalen...’ He tugs at the roots of his hair, as if trying to pull the words out of him. ‘... I hate who I am most of the time, but I don’t usually do anything to fix it.’
Me too , I silently agree . But I opt for anger instead.
‘Theo, I’m really not sure what you want me to say to any of this. You left me. You kissed me back and then you left me. And I’m not sure if you’re drunk.’ I squint, trying to see if his eyes are glazed over.
He snorts. ‘I’m not drunk. I’m too easily seduced by you when I drink.’
‘So I never stood a chance sober?’
‘Not what I meant.’
‘Then what did you mean?’
Theo breathes in deeply. ‘I would have been more careful with you. Would have taken my time. Would have seduced you first.’
‘You never had to be careful with me. Respectful would have been lovely.’
‘The next time I kiss you, I’ll consider that.’
‘What makes you think I’d ever let you kiss me again? If I recall, I had to practically beg for the first one.’
‘I don’t mind begging. I’ll do it next time. This time on my knees.’
I roll my eyes again, but with a smile this time. I am no stronger than any other girl. ‘I’ll see you in Alassio.’
He sighs and runs his hand through those thick curls. ‘Tell Anika to drive safe, please. You owe me a kiss.’
‘I don’t owe you anything!’
‘Fine, I owe you one.’ His smile dazzles. ‘Seriously, tell her to be fucking careful. I need you in one piece.’