41. MAGDALEN
41
MAGDALEN
I dip my head in the warm water, listening to the steady acoustics of the ocean. I try not to think about Theo’s disgustingly beautiful body, how easy I was to forgive and indulge in him. I try not to think about how I’m going to have sex with him, but it’s a futile attempt. I always assumed my first time, at this stage in my life, would be out of necessity. Because I’ve reached unacceptable virgin territory. I had a plan to finish Emily’s secret gin that she hides in her underwear drawer and have her set me up with someone who was only interested in a one-night thing. I would close my eyes and think of England, resigning myself to the inevitable pain and discomfort of that night, the ultimate regret the next morning.
But now things have changed. The pain I’ve been preparing for is rearranging itself into giddy anticipation. Into curiosity. A dark part of myself thinks that if Theo is the one hurting me, I’ll enjoy it more than I won’t. When I come up for air, I realize I’ve swum further out than I thought. Anika and Dante are far away, just two dots bobbing in and out of the waves. Turning around to find Theo, I squint through the salt water to see him close behind. His biceps look intimidatingly contoured in the water as he paddles towards me and I gulp, nerves anchoring me in place.
‘Trying to swim away?’ he says through strokes, and it’s all too effortless for him, swimming and talking. God really does have favourites.
‘Don’t think I could ever out-swim you, to be fair.’
‘I’d let you, if you wanted me to,’ he says, only a few feet away from me now. If he reached out his hand he could touch me. But he stays in place, treading calmly in that spot.
‘I don’t,’ I say shakily. He swallows hard and just stares at me with a smirk.
‘Good. Because I’m happy swimming to you.’ He slowly swims closer and I feel his fingers curl around my elbow, pulling me gently towards him. His other hand finds my waist and then dips to grab the back of my thigh. ‘Open,’ he says gruffly, and I realize he means my legs. I will my heart to stop beating as fast, and comply, latching my thighs around his waist. Without hesitation, his hands travel to my ass, pushing me fully against him.
‘The fish will talk,’ I mumble, raking my fingers through his hair, pulling slightly at the nape of his neck.
His eyes flutter shut for a second, his voice catches. ‘They’re probably just jealous.’
I settle my hands on his shoulders and then, hesitantly, I explore further down, keeping one hand near his collarbone while the other runs down the length of his torso. Theo inhales sharply and shifts under me, grinding his hardness against my leg.
‘Is this okay?’ I whisper. The waves lap gently over our bodies, rocking us slowly.
‘Yes, yes.’ Dipping his head towards me, he brushes his lips against mine. ‘Is this okay?’ He repeats my question now, and I tilt my chin up to give him access to my lips, memories of our last kiss warming me.
‘Yes,’ I breathe, too happy in his proximity to be embarrassed. ‘Yes.’
Theo lets out a small groan and captures my lips between his, dominantly. I feel his hand come up to hold my head, his thumb grazing against my cheek as his tongue dips into my mouth. It’s as if we both sink into one another, his breath becoming mine, my hands becoming his. I lick his top lip curiously – his breath hitches, and he dives deeper to bite down on my bottom lip.
‘Ah,’ I exhale, and he rests his forehead against mine, our breaths rapid. His pupils are so dilated, the irises are practically black, and I’m unable to look away.
And then I try something.
I move the hand resting on his lower back to his taut stomach, hesitantly outlining the edge of his boxers.
Theo stills but doesn’t say anything, so I continue touching him, dipping my hand underneath his waistband.
‘Is this oka—’ I start, but he tilts his head back and rasps, ‘Yes, fuck. Yes, it’s okay.’
I smile to myself, his loss of control making me bolder. Less afraid of doing this wrong. Carefully, I wrap my hands around him and begin with a gentle stroke, feeling his full length. Wow. He tilts his head back to me, looking in my eyes as I stroke him again, this time a little firmer.
‘I want you to feel good,’ Theo hisses between his teeth. ‘You shouldn’t have to do this for me.’
‘I want to,’ I supply. ‘I want to see if I can seduce you even more.’
‘As if you don’t already know what you do to me,’ he groans as I continue stroking him, staring at me with hooded eyes. I know nothing about you , I want to say. I want to know everything. He doesn’t look away the entire time, but instead he seems desperate to meet my gaze. His eyes dart from my lips to my breasts and back up to my eyes, head tilted as if memorizing me. I’m mesmerized by him undone, unable to keep from staring into his grey eyes. The piece of wet hair that dangles in front of his face, the drops of sea water falling down his temple. He begins to rock his hips at the pace of my hands and I find it difficult to breathe. He’s fucking fluent in sex. Unashamed, relentless, even in the middle of the sea. He’s all breath and wonder, whispering heady praise. Just like that, yes. I didn’t know it could... he doesn’t finish that one. Please, Magdalen, you’re going to embarrass me. I realize I haven’t breathed in a long enough time that a burning pain flutters in my lungs. To feel so wanted by another, by Theo, is terrifying. I gently brush my thumb over the tip and he jerks forward, gripping my thighs to support himself, his wet hair buried in the crook of my neck as he exhales harshly.
‘Magdalen. You can’t do that.’
I freeze. Embarrassed. Of course I would find a way to fuck up a hand job.
‘Oh, okay. Sorry.’ My hand loosens, instantly cringing.
He chuckles slightly and grabs my hand under the water to put it back on him. Feeling him under my palm and his calloused hand guiding me to how he likes to be touched is too much; I feel like I’m drowning above the water. ‘Oh, baby, that’s not what I meant.’ Baby. He says it like I’ve been his for years. I never thought I’d be anyone’s and here I am, owned by Theo in a matter of minutes. He squeezes my hand hard and when I do it again, brush my thumb over that same spot, he groans deeply. ‘Like that. Fuck,’ he pants.
‘So, when you say “don’t do that”, you really mean...?’
‘You weren’t supposed to see me this undone so quickly.’
‘I like you undone.’ And I really do. ‘It’s sexy.’ Did I say that out loud? I feel his body tensing beneath me, his movements becoming more ragged, less careful with me; one of his hands wraps around the back of my neck, holding me while he thrusts into my hand.
‘I’m going to,’ he says in a harsh exhale. ‘Ah, yes, I’m going to—’ My stomach flutters, heat spreading across my body as if his pleasure were my own. Moaning every crude saying under the setting sun, with a few final thrusts, Theo bites down on my shoulder while his whole body shudders for what feels like ages. He melts into me, stomach pressed against mine, biting turning into licking, into kissing. He sighs, so I sigh back. ‘Well, fuck.’ He laughs. ‘I’m feeling shy.’ The apples of his cheeks are tinged pink, and he splashes his face with water.
‘That’s my job,’ I grin, releasing my legs from him and floating on my back, arms spread out like a sedated starfish. I feel him stare at me as I bob in and out of the water, and I have to hold back my smile.
‘You’re not shy; you’re selective.’
‘You think?’ I’m honestly curious about how he sees me.
‘Sometimes, it feels like I know everything you’re thinking with one look. And other times I can’t understand you at all.’
I tilt my head to look at him, water filling my ear so I can hear both the sounds of the ocean and Theo’s breathing.
‘You and me both.’ I look back at the now darkened sky. ‘I’m terrified about how much I don’t know myself. It’s a constant point of tension between me and my mother.’
‘Who does she think you are?’
I huff out an annoyed breath. ‘Is this normal post-hand-job talk?’
Theo laughs loudly and splashes me with water. I wish for seashells to capture that sound, that beautiful laugh, so when I hold it up to my ear, I can hear him instead of the sea.
‘No one’s ever given me a hand job in the middle of the ocean. I don’t know the rules.’
‘Really?’ I muse. ‘This is my fifth. You’d be surprised how popular they are at Oxford.’ Theo doesn’t say anything back so I peer over at him cautiously.
‘Oh, you shouldn’t have said that.’ He dips his body so that the water covers his shoulders and only his head is visible. He stalks forward and I squeal.
‘Theo!’ I try to swim backwards but within seconds he grabs me by my foot and pulls me towards him. Kicking my ankle is useless but I try anyway, flailing dramatically.
‘Mhm, want to redact that, Magdalen?’ His hand rests on my stomach, running the pads of his fingers all over me, and I squirm unconsciously, pushing my hips outside the water further into his touch.
‘Fine, only four,’ I breathe, enjoying a jealous Theo. His mouth pulls in a predatory smile.
‘Funny girl,’ he says, voice low. His hand mirrors mine minutes before as he brushes against the waistband of my bikini bottoms, mouth slightly open as he watches my stomach contract at the touch.
‘Funny, beautiful girl.’ And then, without warning, Theo grabs me from underneath the water and tosses me in the air. I yelp loudly and land back in the water with a crash. His laugh is loud enough for me to hear underwater, and I secretly gush. Who knew I was so funny? Just as I’m about to swim back up, I feel Theo’s hands tracing the scars scattered across my back and I tense, staying underwater a moment longer before lifting my head. Rubbing my eyes slowly, I open them to find Theo looking at me, frowning a bit.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask, though I feel his question from here.
‘You never told me what those scars are.’ He lifts his chin towards my back casually, but I see the tension in his eyes.
‘Oh.’ My gaze stays trained on my hands dipping in and out of the ocean, watching the water flow through my fingers. ‘It happened a while ago. It was just an accident.’
Theo stares at me for a beat, and I watch him try to accept the answer, but his tongue rolls across his gums and he frowns again. ‘How’d it happen?’
The giddiness of giving my first hand-job is slowly fizzling. It’s the way he’s looking at me, as if he already knows and wants to check if I’ll be brave enough to say it. A wave of something close to annoyance threatens to seep into my answer. You know nothing about me.
‘It was so long ago, I hardly even remember.’
‘Sure, but you must remember something about it. Where were you when it happened?’
I bite the inside of my cheek, looking towards the slight outline of the moon. Clouds move lazily across the sky. I search for a star; maybe if I find one soon enough I can wish this moment away.
‘Theo, what are you doing? It was a stupid accident; I just don’t remember.’
‘You said that already.’ His voice has changed and our eyes meet, challenging one another. No longer playful and fun. No longer flirty. He tries to reach out to touch my back but I flinch away.
‘So accept that as my answer,’ I retort.
Theo immediately drops his hand and looks at me painfully. ‘Who the fuck has a back full of scars and doesn’t remember how they got them, Magdalen?’
‘I guess I do,’ I sigh, swimming closer to the shore. Feeling disappointed by how quickly this turned bad. It must be me, I think, resigned. I must bleed out this blueness. Me and my fucking blue bedroom. Hugging myself underwater, I draw my chin tight towards my neck, trying to cover up a shiver, but Theo sees and immediately swims closer to me. I pretend to cover up another flinch and start swimming faster, just a few feet away from the sandy beach, but his jaw tightens, looking at me sadly, nodding to himself. My throat constricts and the words stick to my throat. Give me a second , I want to say. How can you want me to show you my ugliest parts when I just got you?
He looks up. ‘It’s getting dark. And you’re cold.’
‘I’m fine,’ I shrug, still putting distance between us. Just give me a fucking second .
‘You’re not.’ He swims past me, careful not to touch me as he walks out of the water.
He passes my sarong to me when I near him and we both dry ourselves in silence. What felt romantic moments ago now feels dirty, sand and sea water coating my skin. While he makes no move to say anything first, Theo stares at me the entire time I dry myself.
‘I can feel you staring,’ I say while tying the sarong.
‘I can see your goosebumps from here,’ he says gruffly. ‘Take this.’ He holds up his T-shirt between us and, when I don’t take it, he steps closer. I stay still, staring at him, so serious and brooding. So concerned about the temperature of my body. Suddenly, this is all very funny to me. I try to hold the laughter in, press my hand against my head to centre myself, but it’s useless.
‘What?’ he asks, annoyed when I continue laughing, still holding the shirt between us.
‘You’re offering me your shirt after giving me the “you’re not fine” speech?’ I say, bewildered.
‘I wasn’t trying to make a speech. But it’s clear that you’re not fine.’
‘Oh, thank you so much for that astute observation. How profound! No one’s fucking fine, Theo. That’s the human condition. News flash: you’re not fine! You need to back off. Don’t expect more from me than you’re willing to give.’
Theo steps towards me and this time I don’t step back. Instead, I lift my chin and look at him as he walks forward, not stopping until he’s standing right in front of me with the fabric of the shirt gathered by the collar.
‘What are you—’ I start, but Theo places the shirt over my head, momentarily blinding me before it falls around my neck. He doesn’t let go of the shirt but holds it by the collar.
‘You’re cold.’ He’s so close that I can smell the salt water on his skin, see the patterns of his curls already drying. ‘And you’re not fine. And I’m not fucking fine, sure.’ Even in the darkness, his eyes pierce through mine. He’s all tension and concern, and my throat goes dry as I’m about to say something, anything to keep him right here, to confess. Theo, how can I possibly be cold when you’ve swallowed the sun? Then a voice calls from down the beach and I blink the thought away.
‘ Niente cazzo modo. Theo, sei tu? ’
It takes me a moment to register that the voice isn’t Anika’s or anyone I know. There’s only a single streetlamp on the boardwalk and I squint, trying to make out the shape of the mystery girl. Short. Chin-length hair. Theo curses quietly when he realizes who it is and drops the shirt that hangs from my neck. For a split second, his eyes are wide, afraid. His mouth twitches a little, a nervous tic, and then I watch the fear completely drain from him, replaced by the usual cool calmness. Yet now it comes off as artificial, like a coating around himself to hide the cracks. My gaze remains on him, forgetting about the girl for a moment. How did he do that? Finding his emotions like a puzzle he needs to settle into the right groove.
One moment the world was ending for him. I saw it. The fire and brimstone might as well have burned through his eyes. But now, it’s as if he’s never known pain. He scratches the tattoo on his chest as we wait for her to come closer, and he looks almost bored.
‘Theo! What are the chances!’ She throws the towel hanging from her forearm on the sand and jumps into Theo’s arms, holding him tightly around the neck. He stays still at first, his whole body stiff and unresponsive before he eventually wraps his arms around her small frame, rubbing gently on her upper back. Should I leave? I glance around to see the string of cafe and restaurant lights behind us a few hundred feet away and consider stepping quietly away to let them reconnect.
‘What are you doing here?’ Theo asks as he sets her down. I try to not linger on his hands still wrapped around her waist but it’s the only thing I see.
‘I’m here for the weekend with some friends! We’re staying at Hotel Regina down the road,’ she replies happily, her black bob bouncing as she speaks.
‘Ah, not following me, are you?’ Theo jokes, and my eyebrows shoot up before I remember to control my face.
‘Don’t worry yourself. I’ve got plenty of pretty boys to distract me.’
‘Yeah, like who?’
‘The usual crew. Carmine, Jacobo. Samuel’s coming in later tonight.’
I stare down at my feet, digging them further into the cold sand, cementing myself in place to endure this. Am I being too sensitive? I think back to our conversation in Torino, how happy I was to have him alone for a few minutes. Proud that I spoke at all. Not stalking me, are you? I resent him stealing my line but am also ashamed by how much better it sounds coming from him. He’s playful, completely confident in his effect on her. I feel myself becoming too aware of my body, of how I breathe, that I’m wearing his shirt around my neck as I stand awkwardly next to them.
‘We’re all going out for drinks tonight – you two should join us.’
This makes me look up at her. Allowing myself to take her in, my stomach fills with dread and something like teenage angst. She’s absolutely beautiful. Delicate, obnoxiously feminine. Her hair seems immune to the unrelenting wind of the beach as it sits like a halo around her face.
I was never jealous of other people’s beauty before. But now I stare at her and feel only the absence of my own. The parts of me under-saturated and overly pronounced claw their way to the forefront of my mind. So much so that I almost miss Theo’s response.
‘Maggie’s pretty tired. I think she’s going to turn in for the night.’ He doesn’t look at me when he responds. I try to meet his eyes but he doesn’t budge. My face must reveal my surprise because mystery girl supplies a quick laugh. What the fuck just happened? He must like her. And then the world seems to tilt on its axis.
This is Chiara, the one he fucked. It makes too much sense. It never occurred to me that he was being fun and flirty with others and then coming back to me for a new challenge. Willing myself to stop overreacting, I play with the knot in my sarong, but the idea persists loudly in my head. He likes her. We never agreed to an exclusive you take my virginity and only make sexy eyes at me pact. This is fair game.
‘Yeah, swimming for twenty minutes is just so exhausting.’ My voice is dull. Theo still won’t look at me. Instead, he stares only at Chiara and her perfect hair, effectively excluding me from their conversation.
‘What time?’ he says. I chew on the inside of my mouth, thinking of anything to suppress the hot sting of tears threatening to surface.
She checks her watch. ‘Nine-ish? Maybe Mag can relax beforehand and meet us if you’re up to it? No pressure.’
She’s nice and pretty. This is all too much. I unbury my feet from the sand, blinking faster as the tears viciously try to spill.
‘Theo’s right,’ I hear myself say, and it surprises me how perfectly normal my voice sounds. Happy even. ‘I actually really am tired.’
This seems to get Theo’s attention. He casually turns his head to look at me and the moment our eyes lock, he looks away. ‘I’ll drop you home.’
‘No, no. Go hang out with...’ I begin, but realize I can’t exactly disclose that I know who she is. It seems remarkably funny to me how much one girl’s name could ruin my life.
‘Ah, Chiara!’ she beams and sticks out her hand to shake mine. ‘So nice to meet you, Mag .’
My heart sinks so low that I’m afraid I’ll step on it if I move.
‘You too. Your name is beautiful,’ I say, and her mouth splits in another soul-shattering grin.
‘Thank you!’ Her hand is warm and pleasant as she takes mine, guiding the handshake. I think about how cold and limp my hand is in hers and wonder if she notices it, too.
When our hands drop, I offer a small smile and go to take Theo’s shirt off my neck.
‘What are you doing?’ he asks, now completely turned to face me. Now you notice me, Theo? All it took was giving you the shirt off my back.
‘Giving you your shirt back.’ My voice is too cheery for the exchange of a shirt, but it’s the only way I can speak right now without crying. Better off being overly cheery than having a tantrum in front of the lovebirds.
‘I gave it to you.’
‘You can’t go out drinking shirtless. Think of the scandal.’ I hand him his shirt back and he looks at me harshly.
Don’t test me , he says silently.
Please let me go , I say back.
He doesn’t take it but lets my hand hang useless in the air between us.
‘It’s Alassio, Magdalen. I’ll be fine.’
Before I can answer, Chiara shrieks and the sound of her hand slapping against her forehead startles me. ‘Ah, Magdalen! I should have known. You’re Dante’s little sister, right? I didn’t realize! You’ve grown up so much!’
Theo stiffens noticeably and I can’t hide my confusion.
‘You know me?’
‘ Certo . Dante told me all about you back in the day. My god, you turned out to be stunning.’
Despite the sadness, a faraway part of me is happily surprised that Dante has ever talked about me.
‘This makes so much sense now.’ She points at the two of us by way of explanation and I shrug.
‘Yes, Theo’s just doing his big brother due diligence.’ Patting him on the shoulder, I then place the shirt against his chest. His hand comes over mine as he reaches for it and I get a flash of us in the ocean, our hands intertwined underwater, heavy breaths and fluttering eyelashes. Yes, it’s okay. His heart beats in equal, measured pulses. So unaffected by all of this, by me, that I have to jerk my hand away for self-preservation. A muscle in Theo’s jaw tightens as he looks at where our hands met, but he’s silent otherwise and finally takes the shirt. Good. If Chiara notices that there’s any tension in the air, she ignores it and swiftly moves the conversation along.
‘Oh, I think you’ll really get on with the boys. You should come out with us and tell Dante, obviously. Please! It’ll be fun, I promise. If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to party.’
‘You sound like Anika,’ I say lamely as Theo snarls at the same time, ‘She won’t be able to make it tonight.’
‘Magdalen can make up her own mind,’ Chiara fires back as my mouth opens stupidly, shocked by how quickly she is able to defend me. She knows nothing about me and yet her instinct is to protect against Theo. I wonder how well she knows him, to take my side over his.
I know I should speak up, but I’m afraid that if I open my mouth, the only thing that will come out is a sob. Instead, I stay silent and feel Chiara staring at me. I know before our eyes lock that she’s aware something is off between Theo and me. Call it woman’s intuition. She smiles again, but this time it’s forced.
‘Magdalen, do you want him to take you home?’
‘No, I can find my way back. It was nice to see you. Really. Have fun tonight.’
‘Yeah, you too,’ Chiara says. ‘Get home safe.’ Theo opens his mouth but Chiara smacks him on the shoulder and then shoves him in the direction of town.
As I make my way towards the houses along the beach, I can still hear Chiara and Theo’s hushed whispers. ‘What did you do now?’ she screeches, half-jokingly. I’m too far away by the time Theo answers and I’m grateful for the distance. The sobs claw their way up my throat and the sound of my own crying scares me. My hands fly to my mouth to muffle the sounds, but it does nothing, so I push against my lips so tightly I feel the strain of my front teeth, how they scrape against my palm in protest.
He’s nice to me for ten minutes and I forget everything he’s done.
By the time I reach the front of the villa, I’ve left a trail of tears behind me. My hand shakily finds the front doorknob, but it doesn’t move when I twist it. You’ve got to be kidding me . I try again, but the door must be two hundred years old and made of elven-blessed oak, because it doesn’t budge an inch. I stumble to the garden to see if Lucia left the back door open, but it’s sealed tight and I groan. Of course , I mumble to myself. Of course she decides to be an adult today . After thirty minutes of searching, I am back at the front of the house, my trail of tears all dried up. Shivering slightly, I curse myself for giving Theo his shirt back and walk to the small chair tucked by the front door. Anika and Dante are sure to be home soon. Settling into the cushioned seat, I wrap my sarong around my shoulders and make myself as small as possible. The tiredness floods through me forcefully . I close my eyes, salt water and dismissive grey eyes pull me into unconsciousness and I drift off to sleep.