Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
For two weeks, things were good. Levi always woke up first to make coffee and breakfast. I would soon follow to take my medicine, and we would sit at the new dining room table to talk about our plans for the day. He would tell me about everything that was going on in the office, and I would either tell him what book to read or talk about what outside project I was working on that day.
And when we went to bed, he would always kiss me good night before holding me as I fell asleep.
Things were good. Nearly too good.
But there were cracks in our happy little marriage.
Despite us sharing a bed, Levi never seemed interested in anything more than holding me. Before the migraine, there was no space between us. Now, it was like he was trying not to awaken the horny side of me every time I woke up next to him.
I wasn’t sure if he was giving me space to make a move or if he was afraid that somehow fucking me against the wall was the cause of my migraine, but either way, I didn’t know how to ask him about it.
If he told me he was simply giving me space, that was one thing. If he turned me down, I might not be able to recover from that.
I knew chronic conditions weren’t sexy. But I had never let a guy see me like that. I was terrified of the repercussions.
It wasn’t the only off-limits topic we had. Since the party, Levi hadn’t mentioned Calvin once and changed the topic when I tried to. It wasn’t like I loved talking about my brother, but I knew something was coming. Calvin wouldn’t take what I’d done lying down, and he would retaliate eventually.
And I wasn’t sure if either of us were prepared.
Despite the holes in our communication, I still didn’t want to lose any of what I had. I kept telling myself that we would be fine, but I was slowly remembering the other things I didn’t know about.
One of which came up whenever he looked at his phone.
Most of the time, he would tell me who it was he was talking to, but there was that one time on the honeymoon that stood out to me.
And I didn’t know if he’d ever tell me who it was.
It was a normal morning when I saw Levi checking his phone and the familiar feeling of uncertainty overwhelmed me again. I’d been busy sipping on his perfect coffee when I saw it, and whatever peace I felt fell to the ground when I saw his focus was purely on his device.
At first, I let him have his time. But then he kept talking to whoever this was and I had to know.
“What’s going on over there?” I asked. “I’ve never seen you that into your phone at breakfast.”
“I’m currently trying to contain the storm that is my stepmother. And as usual, she’s not giving up.”
“Isra? What, is she trying to fix something that you don’t want fixed?”
His sigh was a clear answer and he slid his phone over to me.
Isra
You can’t ignore me about this. I have a right to have her number!
Levi
And so you can send twenty messages to her like you do me?
I won’t send twenty if she responds.
I’ll ask her some other time. She said she wants to relax today and I’m not taking that from her by letting you blow up her phone.
Ooh, so protective. This horny honeymoon phase is getting old!
Horny honeymoon phase? Is this why you didn’t text me in the group chat?
I will remain undiluted.
And I will bother you until you listen to me.
Isra. Migraines. If she says she needs to relax, she needs to relax.
Let her tell me that herself!
“Uh, wow. Is all of this really because she wants my number?”
“Yes. And you can see how she is.”
“But I don’t mind it.”
Levi sighed. “Not you too.”
“When I said I needed to relax, I just meant I need to not kneel in the garden or else I’d lose my ability to walk. I don’t mind talking to her, and you don’t have to be so protective.”
“I’m trying to take what you say seriously.”
“And I’m trying to clarify it. Isn’t the whole thing about marriage communication? I’m fine to talk to her. If it’s too much, I can block her number.”
“That will not stop her.”
“Good thing I have a protective husband here to help if I need it.”
“Fine,” he said with a sigh. “Take her number from my phone. I’m gonna go get ready for work.”
He left the unlocked phone with me.
Did he really trust me this much? I could easily swipe to other apps and see if he was talking to anyone else.
And I wanted to. It would answer so many questions.
But it was also a betrayal of trust.
I refused to do that, but I knew I had to ask him about it eventually. And I needed to do it soon .
After grabbing Isra’s number, I opened a text chain.
Hi, Isra, it’s Amy. Got your number from Levi’s phone.
Isra
FINALLY. How are you feeling?
I’m good. Sore from working in the garden but that’s my own fault.
Too sore to go plant shopping? There’s a place up north of Nashville that’s a whole GREENHOUSE. I’ve been looking for something for us girls to do and Nancy and I are off today.
I’m NEVER too sore to look at plants.
Ooh, we can take my new car!
Ah, a gift from Levi. Finally, he has some place to spend his money. I’ll gather Nancy and be over in an hour.
“Please tell me she’s being nice to you,” Levi said.
“She’s being more than nice. She just asked how I was and invited me plant shopping.”
“That’s what she wanted? She wouldn’t tell me what it was.”
“She did say it was girl time. And you’re not a girl.”
“She usually drags Mom into all of this. I’m happy she has someone else to hang out with too. You should go if you feel up to it.”
“I was going either way. And I get to show off my new car.”
He walked over and pressed a kiss to my lips before grabbing his phone. “Have fun and let me know what you find.”
“It might not be enough to fit in a single frame.”
“I expect nothing different.”
By the time Isra and Nancy pulled in, Levi had left for work and I had found a pair of overalls in the back of my closet to put on. Nancy was in a similar state of casual dress while Isra was in her usual blouse and jeans.
“You both look like construction workers!” Isra said as she looked at us.
“I plan to be covered in dirt by the end of this,” I said. “And these are so cute!”
“Isra just likes to look nice wherever she goes.”
“It’s only Americans who wear pajamas out in the streets!”
“I assure you,” I said, “I’d never sleep in this.”
“I bet you sleep with nothing on.”
“Isra!” Nancy scolded.
“Not true, but also these things are so difficult to pee in. I’d need a diaper.”
Isra laughed while Nancy shook her head. I locked up the house and showed off the new car.
“Isn’t it nice?” I asked. “It’s even got floor liners for dirt.”
“And Levi bought you this?” Nancy asked. “Usually, he buys things that are ... fancier.”
“Way too fancy, if you ask me.” Isra crossed her arms.
“Yes. He said I could get what I wanted. And this was it. He said it was cheap, but it was literally more than I’ve ever spent on any of my cars.”
“He likes the fancy brands,” Nancy explained. “But I like these kinds myself. They’re more practical.”
“You let him buy you that Volvo,” Isra said, shaking her head.
“Like I was gonna say no.”
I laughed at their antics and made sure both of them had space in the car before we set out. Isra and Nancy squabbled for the front seat, reminding me of how Emma and I used to be.
The drive took nearly an hour. When I saw the size of the grounds, however, I knew it had been worth it.
I usually went to local greenhouses for my plants, but when I was low on money, I had to choose from the big box store sales to make sure I could afford my second favorite hobby.
Now, I didn’t have to worry about it, and it was nice to be somewhere that I could feasibly run into the owner and strike up a conversation.
Nancy was a keeper of houseplants, so much so that Isra said that she was in danger of clogging up the walkways with all of her greenery. Isra told her not to get any more, but by the time we were done with the indoor section, she had five.
“I can’t believe you have more plants than Amy does,” Isra griped. “This whole day was for her!”
“Wait until I see the fruits and vegetables,” I replied. “Then I’ll catch up.”
And I did. As soon as I saw tomatoes and peppers, I loaded up on them. I already had a few planted, but I hadn’t gone to get a huge load like this.
After just a few minutes, I had an entire cart full, and Nancy was teasing Isra about saying I hadn’t gotten enough.
“Glad you got a bigger car,” Isra said as we loaded up. “But we still have to put some next to Nancy to get home.”
“I can’t believe you’re making me sit in the back,” Nancy complained. “With my car sickness!”
“Mine is worse! And I won rock paper scissors.”
I laughed as I loaded everything up. My legs were still tired, but I knew I could push through to get it all done.
“Hang on a second!” Isra said. “Hand me that pot. You’re sore.”
“I’ll be fine.”
She hit me with a look so much like Levi’s that I had to remind myself they weren’t actually related.
“Never mind,” I said, handing it to her. “You win.”
“As I usually do.”
It was easier with her help, and when we set off, I was in a good mood. I hadn’t had a day like this in a long time. I could see Isra and Nancy being a part of my circle, especially since they were so easy to be around.
And for someone whose circle had gotten way too small, it was nice to talk to more people.
“So, we’ve been meaning to ask,” Nancy began, “how are things after the migraine?”
“Did he actually talk to you, or is he still pretending everything is fine?” Isra asked.
“First of all, I overheard you calling him out on that.”
“I thought so.”
“And yes, I made him talk it out. And told him if he wants me to open up, he needs to do the same. We’re partners.”
“I’m so glad he met you,” Nancy said, grabbing my shoulder. “We were worried he’d never settle down!”
“Never settle down?” I asked with a laugh. “I’m sure he’d find someone eventually.”
“We were worried. For a while, he only cared about that little rival he had in high school and college. I can’t remember his name, but they were at each other’s throats.”
“Was it Calvin?” I asked.
“Yep, that’s it!” Nancy said with a laugh. “He was working himself way too hard then. I’m glad he grew out of it.”
“Um, yeah. He did. He still hates the guy, though.”
“Have you heard about him?”
“He’s my brother.”
The car lapsed into silence before Isra laughed. “That’s the way to win a rivalry, then!”
Nancy chuckled too, but I could only manage a smile. Thoughts of revenge floated in my mind, and though Levi had told me that wasn’t what this was for, hearing his family make ties to it made me wonder.
“It makes sense, though,” Isra added. “I kept asking when he would settle down, but he said he was waiting for one woman. That must have been you.”
“It’s so cute!” Nancy added.
“Y-yeah. Cute.”
My grip on the steering wheel tightened. I’d momentarily forgotten that he had been texting someone else.
All of my happiness came crashing down. If he’d told his family years ago that he was waiting on one woman, then it had to be the one he had sent all of those messages to on the honeymoon.
I knew he wasn’t cheating. He spent too much time with me to, but what it did tell me was that I was his second choice.
And that seemed to be the story of my life.
What if she changed her mind and chose him? Would he leave me for the one he waited for? What if he regretted choosing me in the end, especially if my migraines got bad again?
“I’m happy to see him happy,” Nancy was saying, unaware of my internal freak-out. “It’s what we were waiting for after all. I kept telling him to give up on her and go after someone else, but he was right to wait.”
“Yeah,” I said, trying to seem okay. “I bet it was.”
I distracted myself in the garden for the rest of the day, but what Nancy and Isra had told me in the car weighed heavily on me. I needed to ask him who the other woman was. I needed to know for sure what he’d wanted the last nine years while we’d been apart.
Levi got home at five, and I was still in the garden when his car door shut. I leaned back on my heels, taking a shaky breath before he found me.
“I thought you were taking a break from gardening,” he said only moments later.
My legs didn’t feel the soreness anymore. I was too busy thinking about what I’d learned in the car.
“I’ve got too many plants for me to take a break.”
“I can see that now, but I was waiting for a text all day. Did something happen while you were gone?”
“Nothing bad,” I said. “Let me go wash my hands.”
I took my time getting the dirt out from under my nails while trying to figure out what to say.
“So, what did my mom and Isra say?” he asked while I dried my hands. “I can have a talk with them if they upset you.”
“No need. They were great.”
“But something’s bothering you. What is it?”
I could have spent forever delaying, but I needed to know, and I’d put it off long enough.
“Something was mentioned in the car . . . about you never settling down because you were waiting on one woman.” I lifted a shoulder. “It made me do a lot of thinking.”
His eyes widened. “Oh.”
He looked down, but I could see guilt in every inch of him. My heart ached in response.
“On our honeymoon, I did see something. A lot of messages, actually. Was it her? Is that why you didn’t want me to see it?”
“Amy, it’s not what you think.”
“It’s a yes or no question, Levi. I can handle either answer.”
“Yes.”
I gave one jerky nod. Inside, my heart was crushed.
“Can I explain now?” His voice was gentle, and I knew that this meant bad news.
Could I handle the explanation?
I knew that this had to be how Gram felt when her heart was broken, only this was nowhere near what she went through. How did she pick up and carry on? How did she continue to be kind with all of this pain weighing her down?
“Amy,” Levi’s voice cut through my thoughts. “I know you’re thinking the worst right now, and it’s not that.”
“How can it not be bad? You have someone else?—”
“There is no one else.” His voice was firm. “Let’s be clear about that.”
“But you just said there was.”
“There. Is. No. One. Else. This is a misunderstanding.”
“What am I misunderstanding?”
“It was you, Amy. It was always you.”
“It can’t be me.”
“And that’s where you’re wrong.”
“Well, you couldn’t be waiting for me. What about when you were out late drinking?”
“Mr. Buford introduced himself to me. I was with him.”
I blinked. That’s who he had been with?
“Still, it has to be someone else.”
“And why couldn’t it be you?”
“Because we talked once . You may have liked me, but that’s not enough to fall for someone. And you obviously were messaging her, because I saw you. And I don’t get why you’d lie and make it seem about me when I saw it with my own two eyes.”
“I’m not lying. I’m just terrified of what you’ll say when you figure it out.”
“Figure what out?”
“Do you remember what you saw? Do you remember what app it was on?”
At first, I shook my head, but I knew it wasn’t a text. It could have been anything, but it looked familiar, like something I used.
“Wait a second, it looked like Discord.”
“Yes, it was.”
“And you’re saying it was always me so ...” I trailed off. Messages through Discord.
And he was scrolling through a lot of them.
Suddenly, I was back in college, reading a note from someone who knew who I was.
But I didn’t know him.
“V,” I said slowly. “The only person I ever talked to through Discord was a guy named V.”
He didn’t look shocked. “I know.”
“You know ? How could you know? I only ever told Emma about him, but didn’t even use his name.”
“No one told me.”
There was a painful, sinking feeling in my gut.
“You know because you are V, aren’t you?”
He let out a long sigh as if he were preparing himself for war. “Yes. I am.”
“I— what ? But V was the guy I nearly bowled over when I was running to my dorm.”
“That was me too.” His brow creased. “I assumed you recognized me because you wouldn’t look me in the eye.”
“I had a migraine. The whole day was blurry.” I couldn’t look at him and I sank onto the couch. “But the letter was so vague. It was just about a book.”
“If you knew it was me, you wouldn’t want to talk to me. I figured I could explain eventually if I could just get you to talk. But then you called me, Levi, an asshole, so I figured any apology I had wouldn’t work.”
“Then why keep going?”
“I just wanted to talk to you, even if you didn’t know who I was.”
Everything rearranged itself in my mind to fit this new information. “So you lied? You were V the whole time and you didn’t tell me?”
“When was I supposed to tell you?”
“When you married me, Levi. God, I trusted V. What was this? A joke?”
His eyes grew wide. “Why would you think that?”
“ You were behind it. What, was it some guilt trip for what you did to me? Or was it to keep some sort of connection to Calvin?”
“And that’s why I didn’t tell you, because you would turn it into something I did because of him when I just honestly wanted to talk to you.”
“That’s how life is for me! Especially back then! Once people meet Calvin, I’m second best.”
“You do know that’s the power you give him, right? He’s not special. He’s not a god on earth. He’s a jealous man who can’t handle the word no.”
“I don’t give him power, he takes it.”
“Then why bring him up?”
“You hate him! You always have, and you kissed me to get back at him.”
“I talked to you to get back at him. The kiss only happened because I liked you.”
“Then you should have worded it very differently.”
“Yes, I should have. I should have done many things differently. But I was just a man meeting the first woman I liked, and I didn’t know what to do. I never know what to do around you because I’m too busy staring at you and wondering why the hell you’re talking to me to have any logic, Amy. I’m tongue-tied around you, and you think it’s all for a man I couldn’t care less about.”
“But you get mad whenever I mention him.”
“I’m mad because he laid a hand on you. And I don’t care if you were kids. He’s a bully and he hurt my wife. That’s more important than any of the petty things he did to me .”
“But you said you were marrying me to piss off Calvin.”
“I said it before and I’ll say it again. That was the only reason you would believe. I could get down on my knees and tell you that every single second I’m with you feels like the best kind of torture, and you wouldn’t hear it because you truly don’t think it’s true. And that kills me that he and your family twisted your reality so bad that you don’t see what’s right in front of you.”
“Then what is my reality? You’re telling me I can’t see, but you’ve never told me what’s really going on! You have my attention. Now use it.”
“Fine. I pretended to be someone else named V because I would take anything I could get. I told myself I was fine with only messaging you, and then I wasn’t. You walked into my business and I needed more. You need a husband? I’ll be that. You need income? Take all of mine. I’ve lived off of messages and stolen moments, but then I had you . And I can’t go back now. I want to be with you as me , and I would do anything to get you to see that.”
I blinked. I didn’t want to be obtuse. If he said I was missing something, then I would listen. But I didn’t understand .
“When did you decide that I was worth all of this?”
“When I saw you smile for the first time. The first night I actually talked to you.”
“The first night ? Nine years ago?”
“Yes. Even then. From the first time I talked to you, you put a spell on me that I’ve never been able to shake. You think your brother steals everyone from you, but one look and you had me. You stole me from revenge. From anger. From him . And ever since, I waited for the nights I could read the book you were reading. Or talk to you through messages. And now I live for the things I get when we’ve finished dinner. Or sitting on the couch.”
“ That’s what you were busy with? Reading the same books I was?”
“Yes. And when I read them, I could imagine it was you.”
“So then you got more, and you liked it?”
“Am I really the only person who sees that?”
I wanted to open my mouth and scream yes . But it wasn’t true.
Riley said she would choose me. Lily too.
“O-okay, maybe you have me there. But I still don’t get it.”
“What don’t you get?”
“Why did you break it off?” I asked slowly. “Between V and me.”
“Because pieces of us were always going to be in those messages. And I knew if I kept on, it would only get worse. But I still didn’t know how to tell you.”
“I thought I’d lost my best friend.”
“And I hoped I, Levi , meant more to you.”
“I thought it was fake ,” I snapped. “I thought you were using me for Calvin.”
“Damn it, I know . I know it was illogical. You only looked at me and saw your brother’s enemy. I wanted you to see me . And V felt like a distraction for both of us.”
“H-he—” I wanted to say he wasn’t, but then I remembered the regret I felt for not getting to know him early in our marriage.
What must he have felt like, having me in front of him and not seeing him? How many times did I look through him in favor of a man in my phone?
I was so angry that I didn’t know, but I also didn’t know if I would have believed him if he told me before.
I would have made it about Calvin.
Damn it. He was right. How much power was I giving my brother without realizing it? How many times had I interrupted my own happiness by wondering what his next move was?
“Fuck, we made a mess of this.”
“We did,” he admitted.
This must have been how Lily felt when she figured out she had it wrong for four years. Nothing made sense. Yet everything did.
The pang in my temple was a dangerous reminder that I couldn’t think too hard on this. I tried to rub it away.
“What’s going on? Is it a migraine?”
“It could be the start of one,” I said. “I’ll go take the emergency stuff.”
“Please,” he urged. “I don’t wanna stress you out.”
“Is that another reason you didn’t tell me?”
“After the migraine, yes.”
I let out a sigh. “You can’t treat me like I’m fragile. And keeping secrets makes it worse.”
“I know. But you just had one, and I didn’t ... So much time had passed that I didn’t know what to do.”
“It’s almost like when I kept my migraines from you for so long that I ended up in the hospital.”
“Yeah. It was.”
“I wondered why you forgave me so easily. You were hiding something of your own.”
“That, and I can’t stay mad at you.”
I looked away, knowing I felt the same. Underneath my anger for him was a feeling of longing. I still cared about him more than anything. This one thing didn’t undo all of the things he’d done for me, all of the times he’d saved me.
“Stay mad at me as long as you want,” he said. “But go take your medicine and rest . I’ll be in the guest room.”
He walked away before I could stop him and I fell back on the couch, looking at the sky.
What would Gram have done if she were here? Would she have held on to her anger?
But she had been left before. Totally and completely left. What Levi did wasn’t that bad. And deep down, I wondered if she regretted spending her life alone.
Would she tell me to be happy? Or would she tell me love isn’t worth it?
Either way, I’d never get an answer. She was gone. And all of my questions were my own.