19. Dane
Chapter 19
Dane
From the moment we climbed into my truck, a feeling of déjà vu came over me. Memories from when we first got our driver’s licenses resurfaced. We made up excuses just to get to drive with the windows down and music blaring. He and I had been typical teenagers, just out to spread our wings.
“It still looks exactly the same, doesn’t it?” he mused.
I glanced over at Lennox as he took in the area. With the windows down, his hair was a mess. And when he leaned toward me, it made my heart skip a beat. I craved the closeness with him.
I cleared my throat and looked around. “Some things never change.”
He turned his head to look at me with a soft smile. “That’s a good thing, don’t you think?“
I shrugged. “I guess it depends on what you’re referring to.”
He put his hand on my thigh. “I’m talking about me and you. It was always easy with us.”
“Not always,” I quipped. “There were some tense years in there.”
He laughed. “True. But you’ve always been intense. Especially about me.”
I couldn’t argue with that.
Lennox looked around again as we passed the places we used to hang out.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I glanced over at him. “Of course. What do you wanna know?”
When I stopped at a light, Lennox put up the window and reached for the air conditioning. I followed his lead and put my window up too.
Shifting on the seat, he withdrew his hand from my leg and angled his body toward me. And then he smiled.
“What?” I chuckled, a little uncomfortable.
“When was the first time you thought of me as more than a friend?”
I laughed. “Just jump right in the deep end.”
“That’s me. Now answer my question. I promise I won’t tease you.”
I pursed my lips and smiled. “I don’t think you know how to be serious.”
“Yes, I do. I’m serious right now. So stop evading the question.”
I kept my eyes on the traffic as I allowed my mind to go back to high school.
“I don’t think I want to tell you.”
I knew exactly when it was.
Lennox reached over and put his left hand on my thigh again. The heat from his touch was comforting but also made my pulse erratic. I took a breath when he turned his hand over, palm up, waiting for mine.
Caught by another light, I looked down at his open palm before glancing at him.
He smiled. “What are you afraid of?”
I stared at him a moment before answering. “You. I’m afraid this isn’t real, and you’ll break my heart again. You’re the only one who ever has.”
Lennox’s stare was fixed on me as if I’d knocked the air out of him. He looked away as if trying to piece together memories that would explain what I’d said.
“Can you pull over?” His voice was low, but full of an emotion I wasn’t used to hearing from him.
My brows drew together. “Why?”
I cleared my throat.
“Do you…”
I tried not to choke on the words. “Do you want me to take you back to the hotel?”
His expression softened as he shook his head. “No. But I don’t think it’s safe to have this conversation while you’re driving. We need to park so we can get this out of the way.”
I nodded as relief washed over me, yet still nervous. He kept me off-kilter and would until we talked this out.
So I pulled into the upper end of a shopping center. When I found a spot under the trees, I pulled in and parked.
Lennox put his window down, then pressed the button to turn off the truck. Shifting his body to face me, he reached for my hand.
I stared at it again before giving in. Lennox squeezed his hand around mine.
“I need you to tell me what happened after our kiss?”
Anxiety bloomed in my stomach as I looked out the window. Looking at him was too much.
“I don’t know why this is so difficult. We used to tell each other everything.”
“Almost everything,” Lennox added.
I closed my eyes. The memory felt like it had happened yesterday.
“I let my feelings for you take over. We made out and our hands were all over each other. When that wasn’t good enough, I pulled you off the wall and to the double chaise lounge chairs.”
“Where we woke up,” he said.
I lowered my head to look at where our fingers were intertwined. “Yes.”
Lennox squeezed my hand. “Sounds really hot. Wish I remembered it.”
Me too.
“Then what happened?”
I exhaled and looked him in the eyes. “I shoved you down on the chair and crawled on next to you. You turned to your side and looked at me. Then you reached for me again.”
I paused as the memory I’d tried to push away reemerged from where I’d stored it all these years.
“I crawled on top of you and straddled your hips. You sat up, grabbed my face, and we kissed again. I sat on your lap and…we couldn’t get enough of each other. So our shirts were next to go, and when we were skin to skin….”
I stared into space as the memory replayed like a movie in my head. Then I looked away.
“I know how good that felt after last week. To be skin to skin, so close that nothing could pry us apart.”
I tilted my head to look at him. There was no hint of teasing, just understanding.
“I fucking hate that I don’t remember it. But please keep going,” he said, squeezing my hand.
“You looked at me, then down at where we were grinding together. You lifted your hips, and I sat up. You pulled down your shorts until you had your dick in your hand. And l did the same. We jerked off together. On each other. When it was over, you pulled me down on top of you, and we passed out.”
I ran a hand over my mouth as the gravity of the moment enveloped us.
“I thought we’d be together forever until the next morning when you acted like nothing had happened. You looked down at the dried cum on your stomach and laughed. Then you said please tell me whatever happened last night will not ruin my football career, because that’s all I have left.”
Lennox’s eyes closed as he processed the words. His expression was pained. I understood that feeling well.
“I couldn’t be the mistake that ruined your life, Lennox. And there was no way I could look at you every day, feeling the way I did about you. So I did what I had to do and ended our friendship.”
I pulled away as years of repressed emotions and unshed tears threatened to release in a tidal wave, and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. But this was not the time. Not when we had some place to be.
“Dane,” he pleaded. “Look at me.”
I turned my gaze back to him as embarrassment washed over me.
“It’s okay, Lennox. We were kids, and I should have known better.”
He let go of my hand and reached for my face. The sweet gesture broke through my hardened exterior.
“Baby,” he said, bringing our foreheads together. “I swear I don’t remember it. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
I put my hand over his and pulled back. His hands slipped from my face. “We’re in public.”
His eyes darkened. “I don’t give a single fuck where we are. I’ve waited a long damn time to find out what happened. Your opinion of me is the only one that matters right now.”
We got lost in each other’s eyes before he brought our mouths together in a tender kiss. He might not care where we were, but I did. So I pulled away.
“You’ve got to stop running from me,” he teased.
I huffed out a laugh before the seriousness of our conversation returned. He took my hand and laced our fingers together.
“I’m sorry, Lennox. Looking at it now, I could have handled it better. But I was a na?ve eighteen-year-old in love with his best friend. I didn’t know what to do but run. I couldn’t watch you hook up, wishing it was me.”
His expression softened. “I’m sorry too. But it’s not your fault. You did what you needed to do. It was probably for the best. I was a fucking mess and needed to grow up. We were in a no-win situation.”
“I suppose,” I said. I had a million questions that needed answers. So I pulled back again.
Releasing a breath, I settled back against the door. “Where does this leave us? Friends? More than friends?”
Lennox looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “We’ll never be friends again…”
My heart may have stopped beating at that moment.
“I understand,” I said, straightening in my seat.
Lennox laughed and that pissed me off.
“Wait, you hothead, and let me finish.”
I raised a brow and looked at him.
That made him laugh. “I’ve been thinking about everything.”
My automatic response was to say that was dangerous, but I didn’t. Instead, I braced for whatever he had to say.
Lennox bit his bottom lip as a smile spread across his face. That had to be a good sign.
“I think I’ve loved you like a brother since we started middle school. Only now do I realize our friendship evolved into something more before we left high school.”
My pulse was erratic again as he played absently with my fingers.
“You’ve been by my side since we were eight. The only family I’ve ever experienced was yours. Both of mine were pieces of shit, but you were always right there, no matter what. You always saw the best part of me.”
I swallowed hard to push down all the sweet words threatening to erupt.
“The only true love I’ve ever known came from you. And I don’t want to spend another second without you in my life.”
“So what are you saying?” I managed to get out.
“I’m saying I don’t want to lose you ever again.”
My anxiety was ramping up because he was not telling me what I needed to hear. I rubbed the back of my neck and looked out the front window.
Was I going to have to spell this out for him?
Maybe he’d taken one too many knocks on the head. He couldn’t be this thick, could he?
I was going to have to give it to him straight.
“Lennox, I have never wanted a sexual relationship with a man other than you. If I had my way about things, we’d share a bed every night and a life every day. I fucking love you, and if you can’t see yourself with a life like that, you need to let me go. Because I can’t be just your friend.”
He stared at me but didn’t say a word. Instead, he reached for my face and pulled my mouth to his.