Chapter 20.
‘Christian’
I open my eyes to an unfamiliar room with tall glass windows and the city blinks dazzlingly back at me. It’s alive with lights that shimmer in the settling darkness, like stars across the landscape. Yet even though it’s dark now, the sun is supposedly lighting up another part of the world.
It never ceases to amaze me, that darkness and light interchange so naturally… whereas the suns back home are always bright. There’s no such thing as darkness.
My eyes are level with the flat roofs of already tall buildings, yet they are dwarfed in comparison to other giant complexes beside them. Even the usual sounds of nightlife and traffic are muted some storeys beneath us.
Where in the stars has this bastard taken me?
I try to sit up, but the moment I do, pain stings throughout my body and makes my ass seize up. Just trying to pull myself up is a battle of attrition. The barest of movement makes me wince and it feels like I've been hit by a thousand and some pounds of aluminium metal again.
I’ll definitely kill Reuben when I see him… but for some reason, the thought of him now only spills liquid warmth into my chest.
Is this why you’ve always been so soft on me, Reuben Taiga?
I remember Reuben’s expression, the way he always watched me. I thought it was because I was new… because I needed the extra attention… but it was never that.
‘Your emotions to me are the prettiest,’ I remember Reuben’s words that night, the words that started this fire in me for him.
‘Then am I the only one of us who wants to be closer?’ His words in my ear were real. Even the heat in his eyes when he consumed me today, they were the same as when I was in that hospital bed, when I’d run my hands through his hair for the first time.
Why did I do that then, anyway?
For how long have you been burrowing under my skin?
A hush falls, thick and unnatural, pressing against my ears and leaving only the pounding of my heartbeat.
‘My skin?’ Christian’s voice is like a dark echo in my mind that freezes the blood in my veins.
I can feel his breath on my ear and feel him at my back again, like I have every night since I’d taken over his body. I could swear his ghost grips my throat to pull my gaze up to the mirror.
‘Whose body is it, Beau?’
Christian's eyes are staring back at me, visible even in the dark, and my breath stutters on the shame, the guilt, the despair. My lungs squeeze together and I turn away. My blood has frozen over in my veins and a cold sweat has gathered at the base of my neck.
I hate mirrors.
Stars, why does every bedroom have one? The one in this room is the shape of a tombstone, just as wide as the mattress and directly facing the bed.
‘Whose body is it?’ Christian’s voice asks again, unrelenting. ‘Aren’t you getting a bit carried away?’
Nausea seems to be reaching up from my guts to squeeze my stomach together and the pain in my body feels far away as I drag my knees to my chest and run my hands through my hair.
He’s right. I crossed the line, didn’t I?
‘I'm so glad I met you, Christian.’ Reuben's voice in my head makes me dig my fingers into my scalp until it hurts. Until the pain is fiercely tugging on the reins of my racing heart.
But you never met Christian Adler, Reuben.
The person you keep watching… he’s not real.
Reuben—Reuben isn’t attracted to me. He’s attracted to Christian.
Am I taking over Christian’s life?
Aren’t I taking what belongs to him?
That wasn’t how this was supposed to go. My goal is to offer up my achievements to him, not replace him.
Why? Why did I allow myself to get tangled up with Reuben?
‘Do you like me?’ Reuben's voice is there again and I'm digging my fingers deeper.
There's a roar in my ears. Is it my thoughts? My heartbeat?
I like him. I like Reuben… without a shadow of a doubt. I don’t even know when it started.
But the Christian I've created, it’s not me… and it’s not the Christian from my memories. It’s some—disgusting amalgamation I've created. An avatar that doesn't exist.
I take deep breaths as I try to fight the nausea. Try to lessen my grip on my hair. Try to breathe oxygen into my lungs.
A crazed chuckle bubbles up from my lips. It spills into soft laughter that bounces around the room… before I’m clenching my teeth together—so tightly it feels like they’ll crack. I slap my cheek sharply, and the sound finally silences my thoughts. It starts up a ringing in my ears.
Get it together. I glare at the reflection in the mirror.
Don't lose focus. This doesn't change anything.
This existence of mine... its purpose hasn't changed.
I am Christian Adler.
And I am myself.
Whatever feelings we have for Reuben are secondary… and whatever feelings he has for us...
Is simply his misfortune.
I'm having trouble trying to determine if this is some kind of penthouse or hotel suite.
Not that I've ever been in either, but why does it have to be so cold?
The temperature is raising the hairs on my skin.
Not to mention, I woke up in clothes that smell like Reuben—a big, white shirt and sweats with no boxers to be found.
I step out of the hallway that leads away from the bedroom and into a wide area. There’s a lavish kitchen and a bar counter on one side, and a living room with large couches and a massive television on the other side.
Reuben is standing in the kitchen, with his back turned to me. He's in new clothes too, a long-sleeved black tee and sweats, with a damp towel around his neck and I find myself swallowing with new... ‘butterflies’.
His black hair is released from his usual updo, and the wet strands are falling across his neck for the first time. I have to steel myself first and beat the butterflies into submission before stepping into the space, “Did you bathe me?”
Reuben's gaze turns to me in the doorway and the heat of his gaze makes me feel queasy. Worse yet, when a wicked smirk touches his lips and makes my heart stutter.
Why the fuck do you suddenly look like that?
Maybe it's an after-sex people spell.
“I would've loved to watch my cum drip out of your ass and all over my bed," he purrs, "but I figured you'd be uncomfortable."
Our conversation’s barely started and his mouth is already filthy.
My stare sharpens. All I can do is ignore him.
“What about Xavier? Weren’t we supposed to meet him?”
“We were,” he turns his back to me to pour a second cup of coffee for me, “but that was before someone fell asleep on my cock.”
My cheeks grow warm from the memory, but I shake it away quickly. Just ignore him, ignore him.
He slides the cup towards me and my nose wrinkles. He blinks, “You don’t drink coffee?”
“Have you ever seen me drink coffee?” I step forward to sit at the bar. “Do you have milk?”
His brows crease. He stares at me as if he can’t tell if I’m joking. “Milk,” he repeats.
I fight the smile, “Is what I said.”
He raises a brow and there's amusement in his eyes as he slides the cup he's poured away from us and walks towards the fridge.
“What about Xavier?” I press.
“I don’t want to talk about Xavier.”
“Did you send him what we found? What are our next steps going to be—?”
He places a carton of milk on the counter so firmly, my mouth snaps shut.
He looks upset.
“As happy as I am to hear Xavier’s name out of your mouth the moment you wake up,” he hooks his hand beneath my chin to pull me forward and there’s a fire in his dark eyes that makes me swallow, “that’s not what I want to hear right now.”
His gaze flickers to my lips before returning to my eyes and I’m almost certain he’s about to reach out and devour me again. “This could be so much cuter. Now say hello,” his lips curl into a dashing smile and his voice drops low into his throat, “and say ‘thanks for cleaning me up’.”
The blush on my cheeks has nothing to do with his scent. Or his voice. Or how close he is.
Suddenly I remember all too clearly... the sound of his voice when he was inside me. I don't think I can control my expression any more than I could back then. I avert my eyes with new shyness.
“Hi,” I mumble. He’s not actually going to make me say thank you, is he? But he squeezes my cheeks with his fingers, puffing them out and making me feel ridiculous.
“And?” He sings sweetly and I can feel the blush spreading across my face fiercely.
I didn’t ask you to clean me!
I grind out my next words, “Thanks.”
Bastard asshole—
His lips take mine so quickly, my insides melt.
Why does he always taste so sweet?
And why does his tongue always make my cock twitch?
Every lick, every suck—
Like he’s starving for me.
Like he’s drinking me up.
How is it that I’ve already caved to him? My fingers are threaded deeply in his damp hair.
When he pulls away, we’re both panting, but the frenzy has already taken over my mind because he’s gone too soon.
A sound escapes me. A hum? A moan? Whatever it is, it’s a protest because I grab him by his shirt collar, and his smirk both irritates and stirs me up, as though he already knows what he’s done.
I pull his lips back to mine and he moans against me, “Baby,” even his voice in between his kisses is undoing me, “you have to let me go—so I can come over there—and fuck you.”
The protest from my mouth is incomprehensible.
He pulls away to place his forehead on mine with a fire in his eyes, “You can’t pull me over the counter.”
Fuck, why is this counter here?
Wait, do I even want him to fuck me right now?
That’s not what I came out here for?
Ugh. Focus.
I release him but damn it there are stars in my eyes as I attempt to rip the lust away.
“You got your hello.” My nose flares. “Now tell me what’s going on with Xavier.”
“That wasn’t a hello.” His voice is a rumble in his throat, and he looks just as undone as I feel, “That was a plea for a full conversation.”
“No, Reuben.” My tone is final and I steel my expression, “I can barely walk. And even sitting in this chair makes me feel like I’ll keel over and die.”