Chapter 24. #2
I can do this kind of thing for Reuben easily.
“Think. About this.” Tobias snaps sharply, pressing the gun to my head.
I don't enjoy my third stalemate either and the silence that follows is wrought with tension and possibility.
If I kill Xavier now, will they really kill me?
If they do that, I can't help but think Reuben will end them.
It'll be a cycle of death and murder, and it delights me to my very core.
But then Reuben will be left alone.
Just like the Christian I've created.
Trying to extend a legacy alone.
“From the start,” I don’t know how I’m able to find my voice again. “From the start, you were going to kill Evelyn... I don't care much for your dead sister,” I lower my gun from Xavier's head, “but I’m glad she’s not alive to see you now, Xavier.”
I’m delighted to see the rage in his eyes as he bites back.
“At least I don't forget my mission.” His voice drips with venom. “Four months and you've already forgotten yours—fucking around with Reuben at every corner—”
My grip on the gun tightens.
“You didn't take Evelyn's safety seriously!” He spits with loathing. “It was easy. Because you were distracted.”
The anger that was hot and scathing moments before is transforming into something cold and unbearable. A realization that shouldn’t at all be hitting me only now.
“I've been focused for five years!” His madness is painted all over his face. “Five years, I never forgot what my mission was. But suddenly you're on Reuben’s cock and you forget the reason you're here. We’re. Not. The same.”
There’s a beat of silence that forces my bloodlust to a calm—that rolls in a new wave of reason.
I’m not here for Evie.
I’m here for the Adler Squad.
I thought I was remaining focused… but that couldn’t be furthest from the truth. All that time spent with Reuben, I never once played the part of Christian. I was always…
Myself.
Christian would never have been distracted. Christian would’ve never let Reuben get so deep—he would never have placed anyone's life over the lives of his teammates—
I blurred the lines completely—between Christian and myself.
My purpose is solely to keep Christian’s memory—his legacy alive…
But even so…
“Even so, I wouldn’t want to have anything in common with a snake like you.”
The words pour out like frost. I step closer. “If you end up finding your Harvester, I want you to remember you found him while riding on the backs of everyone else. Reuben. Me. And a trained man like you had to sacrifice a little girl to make it happen.”
“Enough.” Tobias tries to stop me, quietly, but I can’t. There’s this ball of fire inside me, begging me to go further. To make it hurt. I crouch to Xavier’s level and his eyes widen only barely.
Despite the heat in my veins my expression is cold, “You didn’t accomplish anything on your own, Xavier. People gave it to you. You got it cheap... And everyone else but you, paid the price.”
Tobias pulls me up by my collar to shove me back. “I said enough,” he snaps. “Reuben will be here soon to deal with you both.”
Reuben, Reuben, Reuben. It’s all I’ve been hearing anyone say.
I turn my back on them to walk away, but I’ve barely made a few steps when my body gives out. Gabriel is there to steady me when my knees buckle, but I shove him off with a snarl, “Don’t touch me!”
“Where are you going?” Gabriel glares.
“It's already noon.” Every nerve feels hot. Like my thoughts are spiralling out of control. “If Xavier’s so sure of himself, then we should be tracking the Harvester. Not waiting for Reuben.”
“Why can’t you just fucking listen—?”
“Because we’re wasting time waiting here—!”
“Christian, you can’t just do whatever you want!” He grabs my wrist. “This isn’t the Adler Squad—”
“You don’t have to fucking remind me!” I rip my hand out of his grip. And suddenly it’s spilling out. It’s spilling out of me in ways I can’t stop. It’s spinning and spinning and spinning—
And Gabriel's staring at me like he's seeing me for the first time—like he could have any idea what’s going on with me.
“You’re. Nothing. Like them,” I spit the words because if I keep them in, I might suffocate to death.
“But there isn’t any other place for me, Gabriel.
I’m stuck here! With you!” I spit the words like I hate them, throwing my hand in Tobias’s direction, “And you! And him!” The glare I throw at Xavier is scathing.
I grab Gabriel by the collar to shove him backwards, “Stuck in teams that stab me in the fucking back no matter where I fucking run to!"
I see the moment when Gabriel’s temper flares, rising to match mine, “If you hate being here, then you should’ve just died when you were supposed to!”
The words echo in a suddenly silent space and regret flashes across Gabriel’s face like a shadow.
But we both know it’s too late.
The fire inside me is snuffed out without a sound. As though it was never there.
My thoughts become quiet. My hands can only fall at my sides. It’s like a void has opened up inside me, swallowing up all the fractures.
The sound of gunshots snaps our attention away and when I turn, I’m looking into Reuben’s eyes.
Fifteen yards away, and still, every one of us can sense the rage emanating from him.
Someone is beside him—a man with blonde and black hair and tattoos patterning his arms; I recognize him from the colour of his hair alone.
Baal Taiga. Reuben’s older brother.
Reuben’s head tilts, and I can see it in his eyes. How close he is to violence.
“Knees.” It drips from his voice as he walks toward us, even at this distance. Unfiltered. Unmistakeable.
Tobias steps forward, “Reuben—”
“On. Your. Knees.” The command chills the air. He doesn’t even look up as he unloads his gun, checking the number of bullets with a terrifying calm.
There isn’t anything we can do but obey. We’re lined up beside each other as we wait for judgment and I can hear everyone else hold their breath.
But I think I stopped breathing moments ago.
It’s as though I’m made of nothing. As though not even my fractures are left of me.
Gabriel’s words are echoing in my mind. Widening the void inside of me.
I suppose… I should have died. A long time ago.
Reuben’s feet stop right before Tobias, further away from me, before crouching down to his eye level.
“Speak now,” he orders. “Clearly.”
I barely hear it. The re-telling.
“So Philip fucked with us,” Reuben summarizes in a scarily calm tone. “Xavier cut corners. Christian lost his shit. And everyone just said whatever they fucking wanted.”
The rest of us are quiet.
“Does everyone else have the same account?”
“Yes sir.” Gabriel and Xavier mumble from their spots beside me, but still, I remain quiet.
There are a few moments of silence before Reuben stands, “Understood. We will continue to follow the Harvester… However, I will be re-taking control of the operation.”
Xavier’s head snaps up.
“I told you to be more cunning when hunting your food, Xavier.” Reuben’s voice is cold and I can imagine the look on his face, even without meeting his eyes. It’s the promise of a storm, low and inescapable in the air.
“I didn’t say you could play games with me.”
I hear Xavier’s heartbeat quicken.
“Dismissed.” Reuben’s presence has cooled everything down; all the tempers from moments ago, it feels like ash between us now, when it was just molten lava.
“After we take the Harvester’s head… I will find appropriate punishments for each of you.”
The team brushes past Reuben to leave the port and continue tracking Philip, but the moment I try to follow, Reuben steps into my path. He doesn’t speak but I can feel his gaze burning into my skin. One I ignore until I’m certain we’re the only ones left.
When I raise my eyes to meet his, I can see it there. The worry, the apology, the anger, sifting inside him. Just a moment ago, he was the third son of the Don. He was the leader of a team of mercenaries.
But now he’s just… Reuben. The person who’s been burrowing inside me all these weeks.
The person who’s been making me weak.
The moment he steps forward, I step back, keeping the distance between us, and a shadow passes across his face for the barest of moments.
“… I didn’t know anything about this,” he confesses.
“… It doesn’t matter,” I say softly.
“Christian—” Another step forward.
Another step back.
His jaw ticks.
“It doesn’t matter, Reuben,” I say the words slowly, before looking away. “You made the right call.”
“Gabriel’s wrong—”
“No.” It’s like the words are grey. Lacking all the colour I’d learned these past 1,345 days. “He’s not. If I’m not adding value to this team… if I’m just getting in the way—”
“Christian—”
“Then ‘Christian’ might as well be dead, Reuben.”
His hands reach for me, and this time I can’t step back quickly enough. His fingers are already buried in my hair, when he pulls me into the crook of his neck.
His scent envelops me, and the grey—the void inside me—suddenly trembles.
And it’s the moment I finally realize it.
That I might… love you.
That I wish you were truly mine.
But this isn’t real, Reuben. The person you’re holding in your hands, never existed—I know that…
But your warmth, your hands in my hair, the scent of you tickling my nose—it’s erasing the numbness that existed moments ago, dragging the fractures back out into the open. Closing them up like they never were.
I don’t want to let go of you…
“I can’t do this with you anymore.” There’s no emotion in my voice and Reuben’s chest goes still. It’s like he’s forgotten to breathe. “Xavier’s right…” I continue coldly. “I was distracted.”
“You could never have guessed this was the Harvester’s next move,” he speaks into my hair, holding me tighter. “That Xavier would do this.”
“Maybe you’re right.” The words stall in my throat as I breathe him in again, for the last time—gathering my courage to draw the line in the sand.
“But Reuben, I didn’t survive that night to be with you.”
He tenses beneath me and this time, he doesn’t stop me when I step back.