Chapter 24. #3
“I survived that night to take my dead higher,” I hold his gaze. “To keep their memories alive… I should never have gotten into this with you.”
I’m keeping my emotions in the grey. Keeping them out of reach so he won’t see and I know it’s what he’s searching for when he looks at me.
“But you did.” A strange light is entering his eyes, one I’ve seen before. It’s as though he’s wavering over the edge of something… wild. He smiles softly, but there’s something there that just isn’t right.
“You did and you loved every moment.” He pulls my chin up as he watches me. “So I think you’re wrong.” His eyes glint with fire as he tilts his head, “You definitely survived that night, and every other night after that, to be with me.”
My eyes narrow, “Reuben—”
“No, no,” He turns my chin left and right gently. “None of that, baby. I told you.” He tugs my lip with his teeth and I hate that it threatens to take me out of the grey. Hate that I’m already close to crumbling again. “There’s no way you can run from me… and there’s no way I’m letting you go.”
I tug my head out of his grip, “You’re not listening—”
“I am listening.” His hand closes around my throat, trapping me and forcing me to meet his eyes.
“Who’s going to stop you from ruining yourself if not me?
” The familiar words make my resolve tremble and his thumb brushes against my lips as he holds me in place with a burning gaze, “Every time I turn around, you're breaking apart. I can’t trust you to keep yourself together without me. So no. I’m not leaving you alone.
The moment I turn my back you’re going to kill yourself on this stupid quest to ‘add value’. ”
“That has nothing to do with you.”
“Wrong fucking thing to say.” His smile is only growing bigger, becoming wilder. His grip on my throat tightens only a fraction. “It has everything to do with me, baby,” he sings. “I don’t care how much you want to die with your dead.”
I can see the gears turning in his mind before a serious light enters his eyes.
“… You need a doctor.”
I’m momentarily stunned, “... What?”
“A doctor.”
“I was hit by a fucking truck, of course I need a doctor.”
“Not for your body, baby.” He taps my forehead with two fingers. “For your head. Like I said, if I leave you alone, you’re going to eventually kill yourself.” His head tilts, “So immediately after this mission, you’re going to see a doctor. Three times a week.”
My patience escapes me for a moment as I snap, “You mean a fucking therapist—”
“I love therapy.” There’s an amused light to his eyes as he repeats words from a long time ago.
“Crazy bastard,” I’m pushing his face away with my palm as my temper lashes out. When I could’ve sworn a moment ago, I wasn’t feeling anything. “I just told you what I need.”
“No. You told me what you want… and I refuse.”
How could you be like this? I’m watching him speechlessly.
“Reuben, I—I need this.”
“And I need you.”
How? When did it get like this?
“I hate watching you get hurt,” he growls. “I hate watching people hurt you. I hate the way you’re so careless with your life. I loathe your dead for dragging you around like this.”
“Reuben!” My hands snatch out to hold his face and for a moment I swear something inside him trembles. His resolve wavers as he watches me.
“Please.” I rub my thumbs against his cheeks. “Just for a little while.”
“All this time I was thinking… you’d run away at any moment.” His eyes darken. “But it’s worse than that. The moment I turn my back… you’re going to die, Christian.” His forehead rests against mine, “And I can’t chase you if you die.”
I’m sorry, Reuben. I take out all the ‘colours’. Delve only into the emotions that want to be with him before spinning my lie.
“I won’t die, baby. I just want to be focused. I’ll even… go to the doctor if you want… But I need space. Just for a little while… To get better.”
He watches me for a long moment, and there’s that tremor again, in the air around him. A vulnerability I've never seen before as he brushes my cheeks with his thumbs.
“Who’s going to keep me together if I put space between us, estrellito?”
My heart hurts.
It hurts but... it’s better that we do this now, before you become more attached to me.
Better now so that you can survive when we have to say goodbye.
He releases a breath and somehow I know he’s caved to me.
His expression hardens, “The moment you do anything reckless, the moment I hear you’re throwing yourself in front of others again, the cards are off the table.
Then there won’t be a single place you can go without me by your side. Understood?”
A small smile touches my lips, and even then I’m sure to remove the sadness—I keep only the parts of me that… love him. I pull him down to me to place a kiss in his hair—letting my lips linger there for a moment longer—soaking in his scent for the last time.
“Yes, sir.”
This time, when I pull away, he lets me go. When I walk past him, he doesn’t come after me… but when I look back, I swear the size of his back looks smaller than before.
I swear he’s barely holding himself up.