Chapter 31
Regretting the past has become my daily routine. I like to think about how I could’ve acted, what I could’ve said. I like to imagine what people would say to me, how they’d react. I like the power I have over them.
I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I was ready to come up with anything just to avoid talking about the shitty situation my family and I found ourselves in.
I didn’t want him to have control over my despair. I didn’t want to give up the tiny piece of hope and freedom I lost after talking to dad. I stubbornly wanted to keep it to myself, hide it and never let anyone know it.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was holding on to an illusion. It was just wishful thinking. It gave me a place to hide.
Because I was too afraid of coming to light.
I was scared to admit I was stuck here for good.
Scared of my life never being the same again.
Of being broken day after day as I silently pick myself up and keep going.
But for how long would I have the strength to get up?
How long could I go on? And was there a point in this? Maybe it’s easier to end it all?
I felt a lump of tension and didn’t try to swallow it.
“I know I won’t get away from you or return to my old life and my family.”
“Glad you’re acknowledging it.”
I squeezed my finger until it hurt.
“So the money I want aren’t for an escape. ”
“Glad to hear that.”
I raised my head and met his eyes.
“I need money to graduate. My father’s probably got my upcoming expulsion letter already. This means he’s not gonna pay for the next semester, and I’d like to keep attending classes. If you allow me, of course.”
That was a lie.
To a degree.
Dad had paid for the university long ago, but he was going to get the letter soon, anyway.
Why hadn’t anyone called him yet?
“I’ll think about it.”
“Really?”
Hope rekindled within me.
“No.”
And it’s gone.
“Why?”
“Don’t feel like it.”
“But you can trust me. I promise I won’t hang out with anyone. I’d study remotely, attend classes online and do homework.”
He stayed silent.
I could argue that I was bored of living in the manor, but I had a hunch he’d make sure I could only dream of quiet times around here then.
“You have tons of money. It won’t make you any poorer.”
He frowned and took a sip of his coffee.
“It’s not about the money, Zoe.”
“What is it then?”
“The problem is that I still haven’t heard your real motive to get my money.”
I lowered my gaze to the ring and pursed my lips .
I began spinning it quickly, trying to think about what I was going to say. Doubts were eating me alive. My thoughts were pushing me from one extreme to another.
Everything inside me rejected the idea, but I knew I had to do it.
I promised myself I’d save her. I’d do anything I can and then some. But at that moment I was ready to swallow my own tongue.
I kept quiet and gathered my courage, because the next thing I’d say was going to taint my soul forever. There’d be no going back.
This was the starting point, the moment that’d send me into the hellfire to burn for eternity. This was something I could call a deal with the devil.
“I need sixty thousand dollars. And I only have one thing to offer to you. I want to exchange it for the money.”
“What do you need the money for, Zoe?”
He was getting angry.
“My mom’s treatment.”
“And what can you entice me with?”
“Myself.”
His eyebrows shot up and he burst into laughter.
I kept rolling the ring nervously, ignoring the pain.
I felt like I was being publicly shamed for doing something dumb.
Once he was done, he rested his elbow on the armrest and propped his chin on his knuckle.
“I’m not attracted to you, Zoe. You aren’t my type.”
I opened my mouth and frowned slightly.
Really?
Perhaps I misunderstood his touches and compliments. That means, they were nothing to him. Now I knew why he took my hand away that night.
It’s good that he didn’t feel anything for me, because it’s mutual. This meant we could easily make a commodity-money exchange and go our separate ways without consequences .
He kept watching me intently.
I saw daylight fill the room bit by bit, taking with it the ominous atmosphere.
“But I’ll give your offer a thought.”
I looked up at him.
“Someday.”
That means never.
Disappointment was slowly creeping in.
The phone rang and he picked up.
I thought it was the perfect time to get out of his humiliation room.
The conversation took too much of my energy, leaving me feeling empty.
Before I knew it, a week had passed.
The weather was abnormally warm for Fall that day. The sun decided to bless us with its rays after months of murky weather.
I spent the whole day lying in bed, letting my thoughts gnaw at my psyche. I was thinking about how stupid and pathetic I sounded a week ago. Why couldn’t I get to his safe first, and then ask for money? Now he wouldn’t leave the safe unattended.
Not the safe, not the money or jewelry, nothing at all.
I’d shown him my weakness, and now all I could do was wait for him to take advantage of it.
The sun blurred my vision. I sighed heavily and set out to get dressed.
I went downstairs and was about to open the door when Marta ran out from her room.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“For a walk.”
She gave me a suspicious look.
“Don’t wander off too far. The dinner’s about to be ready.”
I gave her a nod and stepped outside .
Soft, warm breeze, the kind you can only get in spring, greeted me. Toasty rays embraced my face and clothes, sharing their warmth with me.
I walked towards the woods, feeling their call. It’s like they wanted me to go deeper, to escape and find freedom.
As I was walking, I imagined how I’d run away from here, where I’d run, what I would do.
These thoughts made my pulse race, but the invisible shackles were too heavy for me to give in to my feelings.
I walked for so long I didn’t notice how I got to the rotten fence.
The place where my life changed forever.
I was about to climb over the fence and had already thrown one leg over when a large raindrop fell on my forehead.
I looked up at the sky and noticed the clouds had thickened, the sunlight merely a memory now.
I pulled my leg away and headed back to the manor.
I could hear the rumble of distant thunder. Day looked more like night.
Leaving the grove, I saw Eric’s car.
My heart began beating faster before returning to its usual rhythm.
A sudden heavy rain began to fall, like a wall of water crushing down on the ground.
The cold drops soaked my clothes up, chilling me and sending pleasant goosebumps all over my body. I wanted to stay and enjoy it.
Everyone’s afraid of the rain. That meant I was here alone. I was free.
I looked up to the sky, closed my eyes and enjoyed the drops falling on my face.
I wanted it to wash away all the memories. I wanted to forget everything, be reborn and turn into a nobody .
I stood there, savoring the moment of freedom this Fall rain gave me.
I forgot how amazing it was to be free.
For just a few seconds, only a few moments, I allowed myself to imagine what my life would have been like, had I not met Eric. Had my mom been okay. Had no one raided my university. Had Justin still been alive.
I took the damp, earthy air deep into my lungs, as if my impossible dreams could come true.
I smiled at them and this magical rain.
I began shivering as I opened my eyes. All my clothes clung to my body like a second skin.
It got cold, and I ran back to the manor.
Marta hadn’t turned the lights on yet, which means she wouldn’t scold me for the wet marks on the floor.
I entered my room and headed to the bathroom, only turning the light on in there.
My hair stuck to my face and neck. Water was dripping off it.
The long sleeve was wet and the fabric over my chest became transparent. My pants felt so gross I wanted to take them off right away.
I unbuttoned and dragged them off of me.
A chill ran down my spine. I felt like someone was watching me. I could sense it.
I looked up at the mirror, peering into the darkness of the bedroom behind me, and saw him.
Eric sat in the chair, staring back like the darkness was quietly creeping up on me.
My heart picked up the pace.
Had he thought my offer over? Was it going to happen?
Right now?
His eyes slowly looked me over. It’s like he was seeing me for the first time .
I pulled off my long sleeve and dropped it on the floor, not looking away even for a moment.
Water was dripping from my hair, leaving wet trails on my skin.
I slowly turned and walked towards him.
I stopped by his knees, leaving a small distance between us.
I saw his jaw clench. His whole body tensed up.
His eyes followed the drop as it ran down my neck and collarbone, stopping on my nipple.
He jumped to his feet and I took a step back.
My heart was pounding, waiting for him to take the first step.
The tension in my abdomen twisted like a ball of snakes, making my breathing get shallow.
He placed his warm index finger on my neck. Goosebumps swept me over like a sea wave, running from my neck to my feet. I could feel my quick pulse thumping against his fingertip. He slid it down my neck. His touch made my nipples hard and sore.
I closed my eyes, breathing heavily.
He kept running his finger along my collarbone, moving to my chest. He pulled away before it reached the nipple.
A shadow of regret lurked inside of me, but I cut the loathsome feeling off immediately.
I opened my eyes and saw a smug grin on his face.
Confusion and shame became intertwined within me.
“You aren’t gonna sleep with me?” I whispered.
He shook his head slowly.
“Am I that disgusting to you?”
His face twisted in pain, as if my words had brought it upon him.
“Do you want me to beg you?”
His expression was unreadable.
With a nervous sigh, I got on my knees. Fear coursed through my veins.
I reached for his belt, trying to hide my shaking hands .
“Get up.”
I hesitated, but got up.
I looked at the floor, too afraid to meet his gaze.
He went to the bathroom, came back with a towel and wrapped it around me.
“Don’t pity me.”
“I don’t pity you.”
“Why did you bring the towel then?”
“You’re shivering.”
Silence hung in the air and I dared to break it.
“If you didn’t come here to sleep with me, why are you here?”
My gaze met his.
He frowned, looking at my shoulder.
When his eyes met mine, he gave me a distant, cold look, as if I was the most annoying person he’d ever met.
“This was a mistake.”
With that, he left the room, closing the door behind him.