Chapter 46
My problem is that I find it hard to give up on my planned course. I can change my mind halfway through, but I can’t give up. I strive to finish my tasks, wearing myself out in the process. I don’t give a damn about anyone, myself included. After all, I can’t let anything stand in my way.
I woke up and saw his hand on my waist.
Why hadn’t he left yet?
I tried to scoot aside, but he just pulled me closer.
“Don’t go,” he whispered huskily.
My heart skipped a beat and started beating faster, waking me up and making me feel alive.
I lay there, trying to remember the last time I felt so alive. I was a kid back then. I remember how I felt when I got a doll.
I would dream about it from the moment I saw it at the store.
I kept telling my parents how much I wanted it. What dresses I’d dress her in, what shoes I’d choose, what handbags and hairstyles I’d pick for her.
Sometimes before bed I’d imagine how I would play it, where it would go and what it would do.
Then my birthday came.
When I woke up that morning, I saw mom and dad standing there with their hands behind their backs and smiles on their faces.
I remember squealing loud enough for the whole house to hear when they gave me the doll I’d been waiting for so long for.
She was perfect .
Tall, beautiful, with tons of clothes and accessories. I remember the thrill of waiting for a new day to come so I could play with her again.
Time passed and I thought she could use a few friends, a house and a car. I pestered mom and dad about it. And after a short while, when I finally got other dolls and a house for them, I no longer felt the same pure joy I felt the day I got the first doll.
Thinking about it now, it felt like the problem was that I couldn’t get what I wanted so badly for a long time. After all, I got the other toys so fast I didn’t have time to dream about them.
I never got the pink car, but time flew by too quickly and I promised myself I’d buy a real one when I grew up.
“Don’t you have to go to work?”
“No.”
“It’s Wednesday. You always leave on Wednesdays.”
“Not this Wednesday.”
But why?
“You haven’t been sleeping this whole time.”
“No.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“A pink car.”
He chuckled.
“A pink car?”
I turned to face him.
“What’s so funny?”
There was a knock on the door and I quickly moved away from Eric, pulling the covers over my head.
I heard the clatter of plates and the creaking of wheels.
I knew it was Marta.
I did nothing wrong. Why did I feel so embarrassed then?
Did she think I was sleeping with him?
I could feel my face burn. This was so awkward.
When I heard the door close, I threw the blanket aside .
Eric walked around the bed and sat on my side. He moved a small table to the bed.
I lifted myself up to lean against the headboard.
He took a sip of coffee and bit into his sandwich.
Smile never left his face.
“What’s with the smile?”
He handed me his sandwich and I took a bite.
“Do you care what Marta thinks of you that much?”
I could feel myself blush again.
“Don’t you judge me.”
He kept smiling, sipping his coffee.
“Did she wonder about us?”
The last word got stuck on the tip of my tongue. It felt weird to say it out loud. It sounded like a foreign word I’d only just learned.
“No. She’s just worried about you.”
He handed me a spoonful of porridge and I opened my mouth.
“Did you ask her about it?”
He furrowed his brows a bit.
“No.”
He scooped up a spoonful of porridge and ate it, licking the spoon.
“Since it’s your day off, what are you going to do today?”
“Nothing.”
He brought the spoon to my mouth and I opened it absentmindedly.
“You’re gonna be here all day?”
“Yes. Do you mind?”
He gathered the rest of the porridge and ate it.
I looked down at the ring on my middle finger that was no longer there.
“No. It’s just that I’m not used to being around someone all day.”
“It’s only a matter of time. You’ll get used to it soon. ”
He finished his coffee and handed me a cup of tea.
And he was right. I did get used to having him around all the time.
We’d been falling asleep and waking up together for nearly a month. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner together. He washed me and brought me back to bed. I’d fall asleep wearing his clothes, snug in his arms.
He seamlessly blended into my life before I knew it.
Whenever he was gone for a long time, I’d begin to miss him.
I got used to our routine.
I liked it.
But most of all I liked how my body came alive when I was with him.
I felt my heart thumping steadily. I felt like kissing him.
It was addictive. I knew I wanted to live for him, after all. Everyday musings about him began to replace my own thoughts.
I was ashamed to admit it, but I craved his attention.
I’d pretend to be unwell just so he’d give me all his attention, care and a bit of affection. I got addicted to his touch.
This addiction began to consume me, driving me crazy.
Now I would lay in his arms, listening to the beating of his heart, feeling like the happiest girl in the world.
I felt inspired and elated. I greedily took his scent in.
I started to smell just like him. I wanted to crawl under his skin. I really wanted to merge and become one with him.
Before bed, instead of falling asleep right away, I’d imagine what kind of couple we could be. How great we’d look together. How he’d hold my hand in front of everyone. How he’d tell everyone I was his.
I realized I actually wanted it. I wanted him to tell everyone we were together, that I was his girlfriend. I wanted him to be all mine .
It sounded utterly selfish, but it’s true. I wanted to possess him. Wanted him to belong to no one else but me. But I also wanted him to crave it as ravenously as I did.
“Your heart’s beating too fast. What are you thinking of?”
“Just some silly things.”
He let out a small chuckle into my hair.
His grip tightened as he pulled me even closer.
I was too hot, but I didn’t move.
I liked to move away and wait for the cherished moments when he’d pull me back to him.
I loved his arms holding me. His breath in my hair.
I rested my hand on his arm and drifted off to sleep.
I woke up in an empty bed and turned around to make sure he really wasn’t there.
It sent a faint wave of blues through my heart.
Sometimes I slept through the day just to wake up when I could see him again. My head was beginning to hurt from sleeping so much. So I stopped.
Today I decided to head to his closet. I took out every single thing he had hanging in there. I put it all on a small closet island and looked it over, trying to memorize everything.
I took out his black shirt and tried it on. He wore it and his scent clung to the fabric now. It was way too long and almost reached my knees.
I smiled as I looked at myself in the mirror.
“What are you doing?”
I jumped.
“Nothing.”
“Doesn’t look like nothing to me. Why is my stuff on the floor?”
“I... I was looking for some clothes to change into.”
I’d never come here for clothes before. He was the only one coming here to bring something out to me .
I began to put everything back in the glass wardrobe.
I felt his warm body press against mine from behind.
He buried his face in my hair and his arms wrapped around my waist.
I felt like my heart was ready to burst.
“Your heart beats so fast when I touch you.”
To say that I was afraid of him would have been stupid. He knew I wasn’t.
I decided to say nothing.
I turned to face him and met his obsidian eyes, dark as the vasts of the deep space, ready to suck me in and lock me there forever.
I stood on my toes and kissed him on the lips. He parted them and began to kiss me gently.
I realized I had to take the first step. So I let my tongue slip between his lips. His grip on my waist tightened.
I rested my hands on his neck.
I kissed him the way I’d long dreamed of. I ran my hand through his hair and pulled at it softly.
He let out a soft hiss and lifted me up into his arms, letting me wrap my legs around his waist.
He carried and put me on the island in the middle of the closet.
I began to take his clothes off, unbuttoning his shirt.
I broke the kiss to get lower, kissing his chin and moving towards his neck.
It felt like I was drowning in emotions, excitement and wild pleasure I could no longer keep hidden.
I ran my tongue over the scar on his shoulder and he growled.
He grabbed me by the neck, his thumb lifting my chin.
“Are you trying to drive me insane?”
I reached out to kiss him, but he pulled back, keeping one hand on my neck.
“What are you doing? Is this your new plan?”
I frowned a little .
“What does it look like to you?”
“Answer the question.”
His coldness confused me.
“I want...”
I hid my face in my hands.
“I can’t say it. It’s just too...”
His hand left my neck and I heard him step away from me.
I pulled my hands away and watched as he changed his clothes.
“Don’t start something you’re not ready to finish.”
He slammed the wardrobe door and I flinched.
He left the room, leaving me behind.
Shame paralyzed me. I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear so badly.
My emotions were overwhelming, but I still couldn’t bring myself to give in to them and tell him how I truly felt.
Did that make him mad? Did he want me to make up my mind on this? Make a choice?
I jumped off the island, turned off the lights and headed back to bed.
I lay on my side of the bed and felt him pull me close a few minutes later. His touch evoked emotions in me.
He made me feel so good every day that I began to take it for granted.
A new day arrived and I was thankful for it. I felt like I could breathe again. I had breakfast, took a shower and liked it.
I appreciated everything I did and the things around me.
Pulling back the curtains, I saw the sun breaking through the clouds, struggling to spill its warm light on the grass outside.
I made the bed, worked out and was lying on the bed again, staring at the door.
When was he coming back? Maybe he’d come early today?
Before I knew it, I was fast asleep once again, and when I woke up, I saw he wasn’t back yet .
I decided that I had to tell him what he wanted to hear.
I had to break this vicious cycle and bury the dagger of vengeance.
We should be together. It was obvious from the day we met. We were made for each other. A perfect match.
The rays of the sun no longer lit up the room. They got smothered by thick, dark clouds. They cast a grim shadow over the sky, but not over my mood.
After months spent cooped up in this room like a princess in a tower, I decided to get up and finally leave it.
I didn’t think it’d be possible before. I thought I’d never get out again. It sucked my body in and glued it in place, taking away all the strength I had to leave.
Turns out, getting out was easier than I thought.
Despite the gloomy weather, I decided to go outside for a walk. More specifically, I was going to look for Eric.
I headed for the stairs, but heard something fall in his office.
My body quickly turned towards the sound.
I walked up to the door to his office and pulled the handle.
I opened it and felt all my feelings crumble at my feet like they’d been crushed and scattered.
I saw the brunette sitting on his desk, with him standing between her long legs. She was caressing his neck, the flesh I’d had under my fingers just a day earlier.
She saw me over his shoulder and her smile faded. It was replaced by the curiosity in her gaze. It’s like she’d never seen me before. Like she had no idea who I was.
Her reaction drove sharp daggers into my heart, twisting them twice.
He demanded my commitment, while keeping me out of sight like an embarrassing secret. Like I wasn’t even worth mentioning. Like I was nothing but a shadow. Hidden away, invisible, I’d only appear once certain conditions were met. Once he created these conditions.
His head turned.
He looked at me with a cold and detached gaze, like I was less than nothing.
“Close the door from the other side.”
His voice gripped and tore my heart to pieces, letting it crush on the floor.
I closed the door and headed back to the bedroom, my body numb and frigid.
I lay down on the bed like a lifeless puppet, pulling the blanket over myself.
Did he do it because I didn’t confess to him yesterday? Did he get mad and decide to get back at me? How could he do that? How could he sleep with her? How could he let her touch him after spending the night cuddling up to me?
Questions gnawed at me like starving coyotes.
I thought he stopped seeing her, but she’d been coming to see him all this time.
I thought he chose me, but he never did.
It was just wishful thinking. I was the one seeing something that wasn’t there.
He never told me he liked me. He knew how I felt about him, and he wanted me to say it out loud yesterday. He got angry, because I didn’t give him a chance to crush me.
Did he hate me that much? Was he that repulsed by me?
He never promised me anything. He never told me he liked me.
He just told me I wasn’t his type once, and that’s how it was.
But I thought I’d make it. That I would be special. That he’d change his mind and we’d be together.
I convinced myself he was going to stay with me forever. But forever didn’t exist. He’s sharing his forever with her .
Tears were rolling down my face, tickling my skin and soaking up the pillow.
He could never be mine, because I never really had him.