Chapter 47
My life is short-lived. It races in top gear, burning through the tires.
I know nothing’s waiting for me at the end.
I remember every sin of mine, and I know they cannot be atoned for.
I floor the accelerator, ignoring the red lights because nothing really matters.
There’s no fear anymore, relief has taken its place.
Another month flew by and I couldn’t understand why I was still sleeping in his bed. Perhaps it was hope, or maybe it’s pure masochism.
Every night he tried to hug me and fall asleep cuddling, but I’d move away to the edge of the bed. If he didn’t stop, I’d get up and lie down on the floor.
My genuine feelings were replaced by rage. His presence was infuriating, his scent was smothering me and his touch felt like poison.
I realized I needed to find new meanings if I didn’t want to fall into the abyss again. I needed to push him out of my head and bury him forever.
My insomnia came back along with my old habits.
I’d watch the moonlight fall on the painting.
I lost count of how many times I imagined cutting through it with a knife, how the blade would slice through it softly, how I’d bring a lighter to it and let the fire engulf the canvas, turning it to ash.
We barely shared a word since that day .
Eric began dragging me to these stupid, pointless events again. He didn’t boss me around or force me to do things I didn’t want to do.
The parties bored me, tugging at my barely healed wounds.
At every event, I waited for him to leave me and go see her, but I didn’t see her once since that day. I knew they were still together and it drove me insane.
Day after day, night after night, event after event, I realized that each time I was falling further and further back.
I was afraid of going back. Backslides brought out a primal fear in me.
So I found a new passion in alcohol.
I’d chug anything the waiters offered. The first thing I’d do was to head over to bars and ask them to pour me every drink they had on the menu.
I’d run away from Eric and get so drunk I couldn’t even remember what happened the next day.
At one of the events, I got so drunk I screamed at the top of my lungs that Eric was sleeping with me and that I was his girlfriend, but he was ashamed of me.
After this incident, he began to monitor me, or what I drank, to be precise.
He took my drinks away and brought me juice, telling everybody I was pregnant. He made it clear to the staff that he’d chop off the hands of anyone who tried to bring me anything stronger than juice.
At every reception I’d try to bribe, blackmail and beg them to bring me booze, but people were too afraid of him.
He did it on purpose, as always.
He’d take away anything I really wanted. After all, I could have nothing, he said so himself.
I hoped he felt mortified every time I got plastered and began hitting on guys.
“Would you like some?” the waiter asked, holding out something hidden in his fist.
I smiled at him.
Let him die of shame.
I hid the tiny bag in my bra.
Finishing another glass of orange juice I could barely stand at that point, I headed to the bathroom when a warm hand grabbed me.
“What?” I hissed.
He narrowed his eyes.
I sighed dramatically and blew air in his face.
“Anything else?”
He came closer and my back hit the wall.
My damn heart picked up the pace.
His black eyes, cold as the frozen void, looked at me closely.
“Don’t you dare even take a shot, Zoe. I’ll throw you into the cage in the basement. You won’t just stop going to parties, I wouldn’t even let you see the light of day. Do you understand?”
“Have you forgotten? I’m pregnant. You can’t put me in a cage,” I smirked.
He leaned in and whispered,
“Do you want to be pregnant? I can help you with that. Then you’d stop guzzling down stupid crap for sure.”
Terror gripped me with its cold hands.
Every time I’d think it just couldn’t get any worse. And every single time I’d be proven wrong.
His gaze slid down to my lips.
I was ready to give in, but clenched my fists at the last moment, digging my nails into my palms.
“Can I go now?”
“Where to?”
“I need to pee. I’ve been drinking the damn orange juice all night.”
“Kiss me.”
I furrowed my brows, trying to ignore all my senses coming alive at his request.
I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. It sent a wave of pleasure through me, waking up the addiction I’d been trying so hard to forget.
He pressed me against the wall and kissed me deeper, more aggressively.
I could feel the heat rising in my body.
My heart was pounding against his chest. His tongue dominated me, creeping in between my lips and circling mine.
His hard-on was pressing against my abdomen. I felt my arousal make my heart race.
I pulled away.
“I need to pee,” I whispered, looking away.
I felt his black eyes on me, paralyzing me like thick tar poured over my body, impossible to get rid of. He was breathing heavily, staring me down.
He nodded slowly and I left.
I ran into the bathroom stall and locked it behind me. I put the toilet seat down and sat on it, trying to come to my senses. I rested elbows on my knees, holding my head in my hands.
Once my heartbeat went back to normal, I got up and pulled the white bag from my bra. I wiped the surface with my sleeve and poured all the powder out. I didn’t know what it was or how much I needed to snort.
I hesitated a little, but brought my nose closer and snorted a line.
I was wiping my nose when I felt a jolt of energy hit me.
Euphoria spread throughout my body. Happiness swept me over. I was drowning in it.
I laughed.
“Holy shit, why haven’t I tried this before?”
I left the stall and headed back to the ballroom. As I made my way through the crowd, I bumped into a man.
“What’s the rush, gorgeous? ”
I smiled.
“Couldn’t wait to see you, obviously.”
His smile grew wider.
I took his hand and pulled him into a room where the music wasn’t as loud.
My entire body got too sensitive. I felt like it was on fire. My body burned with a desire for revenge.
We walked into the room and I let go of him the second I saw a decanter of whiskey.
What a lovely night this was turning out to be!
I poured myself whiskey with trembling hands, spilling some onto the table. He came up to me from behind and began kissing my neck. I giggled, downing the delicious alcohol.
I turned to face him. He lifted me up and sat me on the table. He kept kissing my neck, pulling my thong down and moving to my breasts.
I felt so amazing I thought I was going to die from it.
I leaned back on my hands and laughed, staring at the ceiling.
The door burst open, making me jump.
Eric raised a gun and shot the man in the leg. The man dropped to the floor, groaning in pain.
Damn. That didn’t last.
He walked up to me, staring me down. He wasn’t just angry. He was enraged. His chest heaved with anger. His eyes were darker than a moonless night. His knuckles turned white from gripping the gun so tight.
“I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t...”
Never taking his eyes off me, Eric fired twice. I swallowed
audibly.
My thoughts were a mess and I couldn’t get them together and realize I now had another death on my hands.
His silence was unnerving. I was on the verge of losing it .
Why wasn’t he yelling? Why wasn’t he threatening to throw me in a cage? Why wouldn’t he say anything? Why?
He pulled out his phone and called Norman.
“Get the car to the back.”
He put the phone back in his pocket and I slowly got to my feet.
My thong was hanging off my left leg. I shook my foot to kick it off.
Eric bent down and picked it up, putting it in his pocket.
I turned to look at the body on the floor.
My heart was pounding wildly, my head spinning.
We left the room and I headed towards the exit, but Eric grabbed my arm.
“We aren’t leaving.”
“Where are we going then?”
Adrenaline made my head pound while endorphins were flowing through my body like sunbeams on sand. All my senses got so sharp it made me sick.
Eric dragged me from one room to another. My heels wouldn’t let me walk quickly, so I stumbled, grabbing onto him for support.
We stormed into the kitchen and saw the waiters. They were sitting around, chatting excitedly, but once they saw us, the room fell silent immediately.
Eric turned to look at me and asked through gritted teeth,
“Who was it?”
“What?”
He shot the guy I’d never seen before. Screams filled the kitchen. The waiters scattered, but he managed to shoot some of them in the back.
I blinked rapidly, opening and closing my mouth in an attempt to pull myself together and say something.
He turned towards me, but my mouth still hung open as I tried to get the words out. It’s like I forgot how to speak .
Another shot followed. Another dead body hit the floor with a thud. Women screamed, trying to cover themselves with their hands.
“Then I’ll kill everyone.”
One by one, they fell to the ground until there was no one left to scream.
“He’s not here,”
I finally managed to whisper, but only after there was no one left alive.
Eric grabbed my hand and pulled me further into the kitchen. In there, other waiters were hiding behind the metal tables.
Every one of them got a bullet to the head.
I turned away and threw up orange juice.
I crouched down, spitting bile, and my eyes met the gaze of that same waiter.
I could see terror written on his face. He put a finger to his lips. His hands were shaking.
I sat there, staring at him, trying to collect my thoughts.
I looked up at Eric and then down at the floor.
He walked up to the table and I stood up, grabbing his hand.
“Please, don’t. You’ve killed so many people. They’re innocent. They just carry snacks around.”
He grabbed my face, squeezing painfully.
“Innocent? Have you fucking seen yourself? You look like a motherfucking junkie. Your pupils are so dilated I can’t even see your irises. How much did you snort? How much?”
He was yelling and I shuddered.
He hissed under his breath and let me go.
Flipping the table over, he grabbed the guy as he began begging for mercy.
He stepped on his hand and I heard a crunch that made me throw up a second time .
He shot both his legs. The poor waiter screamed like a madman, hurting my ears. I covered them with my hands.
Eric put the gun to his forehead and I turned away, not ready to see what was about to happen.
A shot followed, and the screaming stopped.
I stood there, staring at the wall, too scared to turn around and face what I’d done.
My whole body was shaking and my brain was about to explode.
Eric grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the exit.
People shot wary glances our way, but he didn’t care.
Eric opened the door and almost threw me into the car, slamming it behind me.
It stunned me, sending a sharp pain through my head. I felt like it was going to split in two.
During our ride back home, I kept rubbing each finger on my left hand. It hurt, but I didn’t stop.
An hour passed, and he didn’t say a single word.
“Do you want me to apologize?”
I looked at Eric, but he stayed silent, ignoring me.
And I knew I got what I wanted. I wanted to pay him back. Hurt him as much as he’d hurt me.
I pouted, tilting my head to the side, and said mockingly,
“I hope you hate me as much as I hate you now.”
He turned to look at me.
His face was expressionless.
“Not as much as you hate yourself.”
My mouth opened and I quickly turned away from him, looking out the window.
Winter’s frigid claws had already gripped the world around us. The frost pinched my cheeks. Snowflakes fell from the sky, melting on the glass. The beautiful, unique white flakes turned into droplets of water, swept away by a powerful gust of wind.