Chapter 10 #2
“It’s fine,” I said, before he could offer me sympathy. “I’m honestly not upset about the tour. They booked me in way bigger venues than I had any business being in. I tried telling them that, but they wouldn’t hear it.”
“They’re going to drop you because of their decisions? That’s fucked up. They can’t do that.”
I sighed. “Funny, I don’t feel all that outraged.”
His brow furrowed. “What do you mean? I thought this was your dream to get signed.”
“I thought it was.” I groaned and let my head fall back.
“Which is why I feel like the most ungrateful person on the face of the planet. Nothing is what I expected. I thought I’d get to release my music, but they only want me to release what they want.
Even this week—this writing session. It was just them trying to push me into writing the kinds of songs they envisioned for me.
It’s not how I thought it’d be,” I said again.
“It’s like I have no say in anything. I’m simultaneously scared about what’ll happen if they drop me after this tour, and secretly hoping they won’t re-sign, and I’ll have to figure something else out. ”
Danny’s eyes bore into mine, studying me.
“What?” I demanded. I could tell he was holding back.
“I listened to your album. All of it. A few times.” He watched me as he said that last part. “It was great, and you sounded perfect but…”
“Say it, Danny.”
“It didn’t sound like you. It wasn’t what I expected.”
A bitter laugh escaped me. “No, you’re right.
It wasn’t me. They took every song I’d written and sped it up, took my melodies and changed them all.
When they brushed off my vision for my first album, I thought, oh well.
They know what they’re doing. And there was this rush to get it out as soon as possible, so I trusted them.
“Now, if I do end up getting another deal with them, they want me to turn into a complete pop princess. No yearning, no folk, no connection with my lyrics or just me and a guitar on stage. I haven’t said this to anyone out loud because I’m worried karma will strike me down dead, but I miss playing small bars in Nashville. ”
Damn. That felt good to get off my chest. Now that I’d started talking, I couldn’t stop.
“I hate to sound like some spoiled brat. I’ve had all my dreams come true, after all. But I hadn’t realized the price I’d have to pay. I never get to make any decisions. I’m never alone. My mother is always around, telling me what I should do. Watching what I wear and eat.”
He winced at that.
“I’m spiraling, and I can’t figure out how to get back on track.
So, after a terrible writing session the other day where—once again—all of my ideas were scrapped in favor of ‘radio friendliness’,” I used a mocking tone and air quotes around those words.
“I got in my rental car to head to the airport, and I just came here instead.”
That was the most honest thing I’d said in months. Even inside my own head I avoided thinking certain thoughts.
Danny stroked his jaw, taking his eyes off me and looking back to the view. “I hate that,” he finally said.
A breathy laugh escaped me. “I kind of hate it, too. And I feel unappreciative for saying all that out loud, but I’m struggling.”
His eyes met mine again. “You’re not ungrateful. You, Trace, could never be ungrateful. You don’t have it in you. You’re better than most people. You’ll get through this. But you need your voice, and not just in the literal way. You told me once that you grew up never being heard.”
I inhaled sharply, hearing him say my own words back to me.
I’d felt that way thousands of times. Every time a guy said we were better off as friends and I’d agreed, even though it wasn’t how I felt.
Every time my mom forced me into an uncomfortable dress or signed me up for a new pageant.
Every time my dad asked if I’d be upset if he canceled a visit, and I’d always lied and said it was fine.
“You need to break free from that. Stand up for yourself. I know you’ve got it in you,” he finished, nudging my shoulder with his.
“I’m working on it.” A new resolve started blooming within me.
He was right. I couldn’t let my fear of being unsigned overtake everything else.
If I wasn’t happy with this label, I couldn’t continue with them just because I was scared of falling into irrelevant oblivion.
I had to be true to myself. Write the songs I believed in. I couldn’t run my life based on fear.
“Can I show you something else?” he asked, a mischievous glint now in his eye.
He stood up and held out his hand. I slipped mine in his without a second thought. I’d follow him anywhere.
“Okay, you’re right. This is the best doughnut I’ve ever tasted.”
“Told you,” Danny said, smiling. It warmed his whole face. He was more relaxed now than he’d been since I’d arrived.
I took another bite of the cinnamon-sugar, melt-in-your-mouth goodness, and moaned. “This tastes like fall.”
He grinned at that. I freaking loved his smile. He looked completely unburdened when he wore it.
“I still can’t believe you’re here,” he said, elbow resting on a tiny circular table.
It was one of only three in the tiny café in town.
Then his smile dropped as quick as it had arrived.
“I wanted to take you here. I thought about showing you all my favorite places a dozen times. But I fucked it all up.”
I smiled sadly. “Yeah, you really did.”
He reached out and took my hand. “I’m so sorry for how things went on Tough Love. I was scared. I thought—” He stopped abruptly, as if unable to form the proper sentence. “I thought I’d just wind up hurting you.”
I wanted more from him than that. Everyone was scared of getting hurt.
That wasn’t enough of an explanation as to why he completely gave up on us.
I’d told myself all this time that he just hadn’t cared for me that much.
That I’d been caught under the spell of a handsome face, and in the end, he just hadn’t wanted me.
But now, looking across at his tortured expression, all of those very real feelings came crashing back.
“Please tell me what happened. We were fine, and then as soon as we started talking about the real world…everything imploded. I know you said it was our lifestyles. That you didn’t want to hurt me. But I need you to spell it out for me, Danny. What happened?”
He sighed, letting both elbows fall to the table as he stared out the window onto the main street. “Do you know why I wanted to film a ski documentary here?”
“Because you love it here. You said it was your favorite place.” I grew more and more unsure of my answer as sadness overtook his expression.
“I told you my dad died in an accident. But what I didn’t share was that it was a skiing accident. Here. On that hill we’re filming on.”
My heart thudded against my chest. “Danny…” But my words trailed off. I hadn’t expected that.
“He was backcountry skiing. I was at home at the cabin with my mom. It was our first time coming after the ski resort officially closed down. I begged to go with him, but he explained that I couldn’t. That it was too dangerous for a kid. Maybe when I was older.”
My hand lifted instinctively to my mouth as I shook my head. “Danny. I had no idea.”
He tore the beanie off his head and raked a hand through his hair.
“It absolutely destroyed my mom. She couldn’t get out of bed for days.
His friends had to help plan the funeral.
I barely remember getting back to California.
My mom must have been sedated for the flight, because she slept the whole way.
I mostly understood death at that point, but I still felt like we were wrong leaving my dad behind. It didn’t make sense.
“The next few years after that were really fucking hard. My mom never recovered. The light never returned to her eyes. I try to be there for her as much as I can, but I know she resents me for doing all the things he loved doing.”
His foot tapped against the ground. I reached across the table to take his hands in mine. I held them tight in the hopes he wouldn’t realize the shakiness in my grip.
“Thank you for telling me about your dad. I hate that you and your mom had to go through that,” I whispered. “But he left his mark on you. There’s no question about that.”
“He left a mark on everything.” The corner of his lip tugged up before it fell again. “Seeing what losing him did to my mom…I always promised myself I’d never break someone that way. They’re dangerous, all the activities I do.”
“And that’s why you ended things,” I confirmed, suddenly having so much clarity about our situation.
He nodded. “I liked you so much, Trace. As soon as I met you. You were so optimistic. So full of life. So unathletic but always willing to try.” He laughed and looked down at our intertwined hands. “You reminded me a lot of my mom when I was a kid.”
My heart squeezed
“And when you started talking about being worried about me, skiing or rock climbing or whatever. How you were nervous…I know it was just a casual comment. You would’ve had no way of knowing how that would affect me.
But it clarified something for me, made me see how vulnerable you were.
I realized how bringing you into my world could hurt you. I couldn’t handle hurting you.”
I tilted my head, letting his revelation wash over me. It made a lot of sense. I always knew it had been some internal demons keeping Danny away.
“The funny thing about getting hurt is that it’s kind of inevitable. And sometimes when you try to avoid it, you just make it worse.”
His frown deepened. “I know I made it worse. I see that now. I’ve regretted letting you leave that show alone every day. I-I think about you. All the time.”
“Me too.”
He sighed, shaking his head. “Thanks for not listening to my dumbass and coming anyway.”
He looked so vulnerable then, unlike any version of himself I’d seen before.
“Well, I thought the constant text messages might be a sign that you wanted to see me,” I teased.
His lip turned up. “No way. What gave you that idea?”
I shrugged. “Just a hunch.”
His smile wavered as he gazed at me. “I did miss you, Trace. A lot. I lied about getting your number from Calla. I got your number from production as soon as the show wrapped. I thought about using it a million times before I finally caved.”
My stomach flipped. “You could have called me any time.”
He huffed out a laugh. “Any time? You hated my guts at the finale. Told me you wish you never met me.”
I winced. “I don’t think I said it exactly like that. But can you blame me? It sucked having a guy tell me they thought they loved me and then doing a complete one-eighty in the same breath.”
“That guy sounds like a real dick.” Danny shook his head.
“Seriously. The nerve.” I bit back my smile. “But as much as I would love to tell you I’m strong and would have told you to get lost if you called me right after…I would have answered. I wasn’t over it.”
“Are you over it now?”
“No.” I stared at him, afraid of his next answer. “Are you over it?”
“Not even a little.”