Chapter 39 #2
“This isn’t a game to me,” he said, voice stern.
“I know that I’m a fucked-up mess. And I’m aware that I hurt you.
Trust me. But I’m also aware that I can only fight myself for so long.
You’ve consumed me, Trace. Completely. And I know I have no right to ask for another shot, but I’m going to.
I’m going to keep asking. Again and again and again.
” He sighed and shook his head, jaw locked and tense.
“And if you tell me to go the hell away and that you never want me in your life again…I guess I’ll be forced to accept that.
But if there’s even a part of you that still loves me, that wants to see this through, then I’m going to be right here, fighting for you.
The only way to prove to you that I won’t leave is to stay.
So that’s what I’ll do. Prepare to be fucking sick of me. ”
A tear slipped down my cheek. I only realized it because Danny leaned over the center console to reach out and brush it away. The light touch sent shivers down my back.
“That’s an okay answer,” I admitted.
As much as I wished there was some magic eight-ball that could tell me nothing bad would happen between us, this was real life. All I had was him and his word.
He was right, all he could do was stay. And all I could do was let him.
He smiled, keeping his hand against my cheek for a second before dropping it.
We broke the intense gaze, taking in our surroundings. He’d driven us to some half-empty parking lot that connected a few small seaside motels.
“Want to go for a walk?” he asked.
We left the car, him leading me without a word. We passed worn, multicolored buildings until we found a narrow path of wooden slats that led us straight to the beach. Tall grass lined it, giving way to soft sand. The moon hung bright tonight, softening the darkness.
I took off the strappy flat sandals I’d been wearing and let my toes sink into the sand.
Danny reached for my hand, and I let him. “I called you. Two days after I let you leave without me.”
“I blocked your number after that first night. I stayed awake all night hoping you would call. Even after that whole scene at the airport, I still didn’t want to accept it.
I thought about calling you, but I knew how pathetic that would be.
I couldn’t live with the waiting after that, so I blocked you. ”
“I knew I was messing up—like, actively knew it as it was happening.” He rubbed his face with his other hand. “But it freaked me out when you were so panicked after I got hurt. I saw the worry in your eyes, the same worry I used to see in my mom’s before her eyes went dead forever.”
“I’m going to worry about you, Danny.” I sighed, shaking my head. “There’s nothing I can do about that. But I’ll never ask you to change or to slow down. This is who you are, and I think I’ve more than accepted that.”
“I’m careful, Trace. I really am.”
I nodded. “I know. But I felt like I had to stifle my feelings. If I showed any signs of being worried, or caring too much, then you’d be upset.”
He winced, stopped, and cupped my chin in his hand. “And I hate that I made you feel that way. You can always talk to me.”
“I was scared you’d bolt.” I laughed bitterly. “A fear that apparently wasn’t completely unwarranted.”
He squeezed his eyes shut before pressing his forehead to mine. “Can you ever forgive me? For real, I mean. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m going to spend my entire life making this up to you. I want to give us a chance.”
“That’s all I ever wanted. But my whole life I’ve never felt good enough. I’ve never had a relationship last long enough to hurt. I grew up with my mother constantly pointing out my flaws, with years of rejection, and people in the industry telling me I don’t have what it takes.
“All I want is to be chosen. Which is so sad, I know. But I want to know, without a doubt, that someone is in my corner through everything. I need someone I can truly be myself around. And I thought that was you—I wanted that to be you.”
He looked pained, but he let me continue.
“When we first met, you were so different. Not at all like the kind of guy I thought I’d end up with.
But you were protective. You watched out for me when others hadn’t in the past. You looked at me like I was this bright spot, and I got addicted to that feeling.
Then at the cabin, I fell for you harder.
You listened to me, made me feel like I could stand up for myself.
That every decision was mine and you’d be on my side no matter what I did.
I loved that.” My voice cracked. “But then you tore it away, and it broke me a little. I thought you were different.”
He pressed his thumbs gently but firmly into my cheeks, as though, if he held on tight enough, he could keep me.
“I am different. I’m always in your corner. I let you leave because I was scared to hurt you—scared of how big this could get. It had nothing to do with you.” He licked his lips. “I love you, Trace. I want to be with you, and I’ll do anything to make this work.”
The ocean lapped at the shore. I dug my toes into the sand.
“I never thought I’d be the jaded one,” I said quietly.
“And I’m tired of fighting how I feel. I’m tired of running from you when my body really, really doesn’t want to.
” I bit my lip and pulled away to look out at the horizon where the night sky crashed into the water, the stars tumbling into the ocean.
“But I’m not sure I expect this time to have a different outcome.
I want to believe you, but I think part of me is just bracing myself to get hurt again. ”
He came around so that he was in front of me, blocking my view. He ran a hand through his hair. “The only way I can prove you wrong is to never leave. Consider it my new life goal to un-jade-ify you.”
The corner of my lip tugged up. “Can I worry about you this time?”
“Yes.” He said the word quick, sharp.
“No running?” I asked.
“Never.”
“Then, okay.”
His eyes scanned mine, scared to be hopeful.
Sometimes trust didn’t come easily. Sometimes it was a choice. Sometimes it was showing up every day until you believed it. Because even though I didn’t fully trust him not to hurt me again, I trusted that he still loved me. And that would have to be enough for now.
“Okay?”
“Okay,” I confirmed. “I’ll give you another shot. Because damn it, I still love you, and—”
My words were cut off as Danny’s mouth descended onto mine, sealing our lips together with a sweet kiss. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me against his hard chest.
Warm.
Scary yet safe at the same time.
I was exactly where I wanted to be.