Chapter Thirty
My hands sift through the clothes hanging in my wardrobe; my palm brushes the material of each garment as I decide what to wear.
Considering I don’t know what kind of training Ryder has in mind, it’s best to be prepared for whatever he throws at me.
I step into my grey tracksuit bottoms and a plain white t-shirt.
The soft cotton of my trousers hugs my legs as I pull on my sports bra, feeding my arms into it so it rests comfortably under my boobs.
The t-shirt I have chosen is well-fitted, it hangs nicely over my curves and isn’t too tight, so I can breathe easily.
I stare into my mirror and tie my hair up in a messy bun on the top of my head.
That’ll do. In my reflection, I adjust my boobs and then check my breath on my hands.
The last-minute dash into the bathroom to brush my teeth doesn’t mean that I have been fantasising about kissing Ryder again or anything.
I smirk at the thought, and my stomach turns. Behave, Asha.
Once finished, I close the bathroom door behind me and look up at my clock.
It’s almost time to meet Ryder. I may be a little early, but that’s better than boring myself to death in my dorm room.
My lip gloss tastes like peach as I glide its shiny liquid over the soft ridges of my lips.
I purse them and rub them together to smooth out the sheen.
My hand reaches out to my favourite perfume on the side of the bathroom counter.
I spritz a mist into the air, then saunter backwards and forwards through it so I smell nice but not too nice.
Don’t want to make it seem like I’m trying too hard.
This meeting tonight is purely professional.
He is teaching me the way of the Moon, an order from Oriah herself.
A mission from a God, so I shouldn’t be stupid to let my feelings get in the way of the progress I need to make.
Besides, it’s not like I put this lip gloss on because I think he will like the taste or anything.
I smile and fight the urge to bite my lip. Right, it’s now or never.
I shut the door behind me and walk briskly down the corridor, taking the shortcut Charlie showed me.
My eyes are glued to the red carpet as I walk with my head low, not wanting to make eye contact with any of the other students.
The last thing I need is anyone striking up a conversation with me and asking me where I’m going or what I’ve been up to.
I just need to mind my own business and get to the archives.
The education wing is daunting at this time.
Its silence is an eerie comparison to the hustle and bustle it is used to in the daytime.
My hand leans against the cool glass of the big windowpane overlooking the second courtyard.
Perfect. There is no one there. It almost seems too good to be true.
I push that thought away and carry on down the hallway.
No room for negativity here. The soles of my trainers sound on the stone floor as I reach the end of the hallway, my arms folded to keep my nonchalant appearance.
“Asha.” A familiar voice calls from behind me.
Oh Gods. The urge to look back is too strong, and my eyes catch the familiar motion of River speeding down the hallway, his hand waving in the air as if to make him more noticeable.
Shit. I spin on my heels and continue walking.
My legs tense as panic drives my limbs down the spiral staircase.
The sound of his footsteps behind me makes my heart flutter.
He must be right on my tail. My hands grip the metal handle of the courtyard door and pull with determination, but it doesn’t budge.
I force it again. For fuck’s sake. It’s locked.
“Asha, it won’t work… I know you’ve been avoiding me,” River says behind me, a tad out of breath. His left hand is balled into a fist aimed at the door.
Of course, he has Influenced the door shut to stop me from running. An exhale escapes my mouth as I surrender to the fact that I cannot avoid this conversation any longer.
“I-I’m not avoiding you. What are you talking about?” I scratch at the back of my neck and attempt to gaslight him into thinking his accusation is ludicrous. I try the door again, and my elbows grunt with its weight. It’s still not budging.
“Asha. You practically just ran away from me,” he says a little awkwardly.
I feel for him, I really do. All of a sudden, I am blanking him, and he doesn’t even remember why.
“Was the date honestly that bad?” His eyes look glassy, and I know he is hurt.
A lump forms in the back of my throat. I want to tell him that the date wasn’t bad, that it was, in fact, amazing.
Every little detail was perfect up until I lost control and messed it up…
but I can’t have him remember that. The disgust in his eyes still keeps me up at night.
I have to keep up the ruse and play dumb.
“You don’t remember?” I feign confusion and continue acting.
“Not really…” He bows his head and scratches his neck again. “I can usually handle my liquor, but that was strong stuff.” He forces a smile. “It doesn’t take a genius to know that it didn’t go too well, though.”
He lets out a large sigh, and I fight back the guilt plucking at my tear ducts.
This is why I was avoiding him. I have already caused him enough pain, and now, instead of letting him heal, I feel like I am rubbing salt into his wound.
I must separate myself from this guilt. I have to let him know that it was nothing he did… It wasn’t his fault.
“Please don’t blame yourself. We just weren’t as good for each other as we thought.
” I place my hand on his cheek and stare into his hazel eyes.
I remember getting lost in those eyes before disaster struck.
My heart thumps a little louder; the attraction is still there.
I take my hand away to stifle the feeling. I am protecting him.
“Doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends,” he says with a hopeful glint to his eyes, and I nod my head and smile, even though my heart is aching right now.
We can’t be friends. If I get too close to him again, I risk the serum wearing off.
“I just need some time, you know, to come to terms with everything.” I’m not lying. I do need time, but not for the reason he thinks.
He nods his head and gives me a slight smile.
“See you around, Calloway.” He winks at me and walks back up the stairs.
The Influenced door finally creaks ajar, and I let out a heavy exhale I didn’t know I was holding.
That was a close one. His footsteps soften as he continues up the staircase.
I stand by the door for a moment, making sure that I don’t get any more unexpected surprises from anyone else I know. Next time, I am taking the portal.
It’s now become second nature to head over to the far bookcase and open the door to the office; I do this without even thinking.
The office is quiet. The rug on the floor suffocates the light pattering of my footsteps, and the sound of my breathing is now more apparent.
I think you could hear a pin drop in here.
The room is silent, but my thoughts are deafening.
I sink myself into the burgundy sofa and sit down for a few minutes.
I keep thinking about what my father would say if he saw me now, if he would approve of my selfish actions, taking away River’s memories to protect myself.
I don’t think I am ever going to be able to keep my head above the sea of guilt that encompasses me.
I just need to keep treading water and try not to sink.
I fidget into a comfier position and pull out the end of a charred joint from in between the deep crack in the sofa.
I thought I could sense the faint smell of char root lingering in the air.
River’s friends must’ve been down here recently.
The black soot rubs off onto my fingers as I push it back down into the sofa’s deep pocket. I hear a creak behind me and jump to my feet. The door swings open with a bang.