14
‘Enough for you’
—Olivia Rodrigo
Lara
Right before I leave, I visit Isaac at his house. I knock on the door and wait there for him to answer. He answers almost immediately, as if he were expecting me.
“Hey, Larva,” he says, smiling down at me.
He smells strongly of cinnamon, but I can’t help but miss the grapefruit smell.
“I’m sorry about my fight with Scott. It was messed up. I don’t look for sexual things with you.”
He pulls me into a tight hug; his apology sounds sincere, but it also feels meaningless.
It feels more meaningless than Scott’s apology over text.
“It’s okay.” I lie, because that made me question our whole relationship, or whatever it is we have.
“I have a question.” He pulls me inside, he walks to the kitchen, and grabs a vase of red roses. I don’t like roses, but I’ve also never received flowers before, so I just smile. “Will you be my girlfriend?” The question catches me off guard, I nearly choke on my own breath.
I feel like he’s only asking me because he doesn’t want Scotty to have a chance with me.
I take the flowers in my hand, taking a deep inhale of the scent; these are going to be dead by the time I come back.
“I’ll think about it. I’ll be gone for a week, with bad cell service, so I don’t think it’s a good idea to start something right now.” I watch his smile fade. He nods.
I have a lot of other reasons I’m too sure about making Isaac my boyfriend.
The kiss.
Scotty.
And it just feels wrong.
“I just want to make my move before Scott makes his.” He puts his hands in his jean pockets, he sighs.
I knew it.
“Scotty and I are just friends.” Kind of.
“See, there it is. You call him Scotty. No one calls him that except you.”
“I’ve always called him Scotty, I’m just used to it,” I tell Isaac.
He rolls his eyes.
“What’s so special about him? What does he have that I don’t?”
Scotty has a lot of things Isaac doesn’t.
For one, Scotty is easy to talk to; he’s outgoing, kind, and a really good basketball player.
“If I learn guitar, will you like me?” I remember Scotty asking me that while he was drunk, like I don’t like him already.
“I don’t—” I pause. I think for a moment. I do like Scotty. Maybe in the way he thinks, but maybe in a way that we're just friends. My feelings about him are so conflicted I don’t know how to feel.
I begin walking towards the door, choosing not to answer his question.
“Where are you going?” he asks me.
“Leaving.” I hand him the vase. “I can’t take care of these.”
“Be safe,” he tells me, but I’m already out of the house.
5 years later
‘The Exit’
— Conan Grey
Scott
The game finally ended. I head over to the locker room, my legs and arms burning. My whole body feels like it’s on fire. Sweat is dripping from my hair as I grab a towel and throw it around my neck. This is probably the hardest I’ve played.
“Great job out there, Scott.” My coach gives me a high five. “Keep this up, before you were playing like you were scared of the ball.”
“Thanks,” I murmur, grabbing my sweats out of my bag and changing into them.
“Hey man, we're getting drinks to celebrate. Care to join?” My teammate Victor asks. He’s dark-skinned with pale vitiligo all over his skin. It suits his uniqueness.
“No, sorry, maybe next time. I’m hanging out with a friend.” The friend I’m hanging out with is Lara. She’s outside waiting for me at this very moment.
**
I finish getting changed and head out over to the front of the building, where I see Lara, shivering in her white sweater and black leggings.
“Why on earth did you wear leggings?” I take off my jacket to give it to her.
“No thanks, I’d rather freeze than wear your sweaty jacket.” I roll my eyes and pull it back on.
“Where to?” I ask, stuffing my hands in my pockets.
“Well, I was going to invite Danny to get drinks with us, but he’s busy, and conveniently so is Aurora.” I raise an eyebrow at her story.
“So what if they want to date? I don’t see a problem. Danny would treat her nicely.”
“I’m not worried about Aurora, I’m worried about Danny. Aurora will break his heart into a million pieces.”
“You think that lowly of your friend?”
“Yeah, cus she’s with a new guy every week. She’s never settled down.”
“Maybe it will be different with Danny.” I shake my head.
“No.”
“Let’s go to my place? Have some food?” I offer, trying to change the subject. She nods, so we get in a cab and head over to my penthouse.
“This place is huge,” she exclaims as she spins around the foyer. She slips her shoes off by the door and runs over to my couch.
I walk over to the fridge, looking for something easy to cook. I throw a frozen pizza into the oven. I’m too tired to make anything over the top, but Lara seems fine with what I end up making, as she is already on the couch watching a movie.
The oven dings, and I take out the pizza, bringing her two slices on a paper plate. I also don’t feel like doing the dishes. I’m rich enough to hire someone. It feels weird being this well off.
“Why do so many people make edits about you?” she asks, watching a video of me playing basketball to a popular audio.
“I’m handsome, rich, and a good basketball player.”
She rolls her eyes. “Okay, cocky.”
I shrug. “That’s me.”
I watch her take a bite of her pizza, and then I copy the movement, letting the cheap, cheesy taste linger on my tongue before I swallow, waiting for her to continue the conversation.
“They want to make a movie adaptation of my book,” she gleams.
“That’s amazing, Lara.” I don’t know whether I should hug her or give her a fistbump. I go with an awkward high five.
“Do you ever miss our relationship?” she blurts out.
The truth is yes. Yes, I do. All the time, but I’m scared.
I’m scared I’ll hurt her again. I don’t want to break her heart.
I have a new career, you can search my name on Google, for fucksake.
Same with her, she’s a New York Times bestselling author, if we dated, the news would go crazy.
I always knew she would make it big, with the amount of time she spent on her debut novel.
It probably didn’t take long to find a publisher.
I can’t date her, though, if I hurt her again, not only will I lose her forever, but it will ruin my career.
“I like what we have right now.” I declare, which is semi-true, but it’s not the whole truth. I still love her. “Me too,” she says, taking another bite of her pizza. “I’m thinking about dating again.”
I choke on air, taking a deep breath, trying to compose myself. What else did I think, she’d wait for me forever? I’m certainly never going to date again. I remember how I felt when she was with Isaac. Rage was always consuming me, especially because I knew he beat his mom.
“Maybe I should, too,” I say, just to try and see her reaction, but there is none; she just smiles and nods. So she really is over me.
Lara
“Maybe I should, too.” The words ring in my head over and over.
I just said that to make him jealous, but now I’m making myself an account on a dating site.
I want to find a date pronto. I want to move on, but at the same time, I want to move on with him.
Not with another guy, but what Aurora always says, you have to get under another guy to get over one.
“What are you doing?” Scott asks me. We’re sitting next to each other on the couch, we just finished our pizza, and now we are hanging out, watching a movie.
“Making a Tinder account.” I watch his gaze shift to my phone, seeing my author portfolio as my front image. It's the best photo of me that required only a makeup artist and about 50 retakes.
“That’s nice,” he says quietly.
“What are you going to do when the season's over?” I ask.
“I don’t know, vacation probably.”
“That’s nice.” New Year's is when I’m planning on releasing my next book, the one about Scotty and me, just with different names.
I’m hoping we will be something by then.
We probably won’t, though, maybe not even friends.
“Do you think we will still be talking by then? I mean, a lot can happen in the 6th month.” It’s only November.
“Of course we will. You’re the closest friend I have.”
“How many friends do you have?”
“My friend Maggie than Danny, Ashton, and Axel, who don’t live here.”
“Our math teacher's last name was Maggie.” He’s friends with another girl, I don’t know why I get jealous, but I try to play it off.
He laughs softly. “Oh, I totally forgot about that. We always got in trouble in that class for arguing.”
“How did you and Maggie meet?” I ask, trying to dig deeper into who she is. What she looks like. If she has feelings for him, if he has feelings for her.
“Bookstore. She works there.”
“Oh, so she likes to read?” I wonder if he asks her about her books like he used to do with me, he never read them, he wanted me to read it to him, or tell him what happens. He liked them, in my words.
“Yeah, she’s a big reader.” He smiles at me, and I just feel a pit in my stomach. “I think you’d like her.”
“Do you like her?” I blurt out.
“Yeah? She’s my friend.”
“Just as a friend?” I fidget with my fingers awkwardly, like I wasn’t just the one making a Tinder account.
“Lara,” he says my name, in a soft tone. “She’s lesbian.” I immediately flush with embarrassment. The pit in my stomach immediately disappeared.
“Oh,” I say quietly.
“Have you dated anyone after me?” The question catches me off guard. “Be honest.”
“No,” I answer truthfully.
“Okay.” We sit in silence for a while before turning back to the movie.
I stare at his face while he watches the screen, watching his face change color as the scenes shift on the TV.
I love him still, and I think I always will.
I don’t think I’ll find anything better; no one's better than him.
Even though he broke me, 5 years ago. He still breaks me a little more every time he calls me his friend because I don’t want to be his fucking friend.