5. Tian
CHAPTER 5
Tian
I didn’t even expect Daddy Evan to reply to the text message I spent ages fussing over yesterday. In the end, Jude got a little impatient and told me to just send the bloody thing. Daddy Sai gave him a warning glare, but also gently agreed that I’d taken enough time over it and if I wanted to send it, I’d probably rewritten it as many times as I could.
But the response came less than half an hour later and I almost fell off the sofa in shock. He’d apologised again for the misunderstanding, which wasn’t so surprising really. But then he’d said he’d been thinking about going for a walk in Regent’s Park on Sunday and asked if I wanted to join him. He’d said he wasn’t sure it would make up for any kind of date I’d been hoping for, but it would give us a chance to meet if nothing else.
I’ve always been monogamous and only dated one guy at a time before meeting Sai and Jude. So in many ways I’m still getting used to how we operate and I worry that by showing interest in someone else they might feel hurt, rejected or jealous no matter how many times they’ve told me that this is who they are. Still, when I confessed that I wanted to take Evan up on his offer, I was taken aback by their delight and enthusiasm.
This is the first man I’ve been actually keen on since we became an official throuple. It’s not like Sai and Jude aren’t enough… sometimes they’re too much if anything. I’ve never been lavished with attention like they do with me. So my life isn’t lacking in romance or sex by a long shot.
But Evan Zegler just…I don’t know. He’s caught my sympathy like a fish on a line. I’ve noticed him several times at Bootleg, and the way he keeps his distance from everyone is so heartbreaking. He obviously doesn’t want to be alone otherwise he’d stay at home. But I can’t help but feel like he’s afraid to connect with anyone in any meaningful way.
That’s why when I saw he was doing the Secret Santa dates I jumped at the chance to sign up, specifically wording my application in the hopes that we’d get matched. When we did, I felt like I’d won a prize! But I guess part of me worried it was too good to be true because I never mentioned it to Daddy Sai or Jude. Jude found out accidentally at the club, and only then did I come clean.
I was wrong to do that. Keeping it from them made it feel like cheating, and that’s not what it was or how we work as a polycule at all. Daddy Sai and I had a long conversation about that as we walked Bow on Saturday morning. I realise I’m still working through some hang-ups about my own feelings on us being open and all that.
But my Daddy is right, and the rules are quite simple. We always come home, and we always communicate. That’s the only way our relationship will survive and thrive.
So it was actually quite fun to compose the perfect text with them to send to Daddy Evan, and even better to see how happy they were when he invited me out after all.
So here I am on Sunday afternoon in Regent’s Park by the bandstand, waiting for Evan Zegler to arrive.
I decided to bring Bow with me, both because she’s always up for a walk, but also as a bit of a shield. I won’t feel quite so nervous if I’ve got my furry little four-legged protector with me. She’s tugging a bit on her lead as she’s eager to paddle at the edge of the lake, even though it’s bloody freezing. But when I tell her it’s alright and we have to wait here, she does settle down a bit.
“Daddy Tian is waiting for his new friend,” I assure her. It is kind of hilarious that Sai is my Daddy, yet we’re all daddies with a lowercase ‘d’ to Bow.
I wonder idly if Evan could be my Daddy as well.
Nope! That’s against the rules I’ve made for myself. I don’t want to put any pressure on this meeting. It’s just a little wander around the park, that’s it. A one-time thing. Evan might be a Daddy, but he’s not my Daddy.
I appreciate that this is probably a big deal for him to come and meet me seeing as on Friday he freaked out and bolted at the idea of a real date. This is just…two people who share some common interests saying hello after the awkwardness of a misunderstanding.
Simple.
Yeah, right.
I notice him approaching when he’s about twenty feet away. He’s so handsome in a thick woollen black coat, his hands in his pockets as he looks out over the grass. There are a lot of people out and about despite the cold, but somehow, he manages to stand out. I study his profile and see in the light of day that his dark hair is just getting a hint of salt-and-pepper at the sides. He has a short, neatly trimmed beard that I want to rub against like a dog marking their territory.
Speaking of which, it’s like Bow can tell I’m staring at him as she starts to bark and tug in his direction rather than towards the lake. I’d told him I was going to be in a blue parka with a faux fur lined hood. Also, that I’d have an excitable corgi attached to me. But I still wave eagerly as he looks my way. It’s probably lame, but whatever. I’ve never been cool, and I barely qualify as an adult. It’s why I enjoy being a little so much.
When our gazes meet, he pauses for a second. I remind myself that I might have seen him around at Bootleg before, but this is the first time he’s actually laid eyes on me.
He’s close enough that I can tell that his eyebrows rise. I swallow and try not to let my nerves get the better of me. I’m imagining that he’s horrified by how pathetic I look and that he’s just going to turn and walk away without a backwards glance.
Instead, a small smile tugs at his lips, and he continues moving forwards. “Evan?” I call out.
He nods. “You must be Tian, I take it?” He walks up as far as Bow’s straining lead, then crouches down to offer her his hand to sniff. “And who’s this sweetheart?”
His voice does something ridiculous to me, and I hope if he notices me shiver, he just thinks I got caught by a cold breeze. But it’s so rich and soothing, I actually feel the opposite. Like I’m being warmed from the inside.
“Uhh, this is Bow,” I croak eventually with a nervous laugh.
He looks sharply up at me, and for a second, I’m afraid I’ve already fucked up. “Bow?” he repeats.
“Yeah,” I say with a nod. “After the Bow Bells. That’s the area where she was rescued from, but it’s also a fun Christmassy name—like what you decorate a present with.”
Thankfully, Evan’s shoulders drop, and he visibly relaxes. “Oh, B-o-w,” he spells out. “I used to know someone…never mind. She’s gorgeous. How long have you had her?”
“Well, she’s not technically mine, although I guess she is.”
I wrinkle my nose and remind myself that other people’s hang-ups are not my concern. If Evan is going to have an issue with my relationship status, it’ll be better to realise it now and move on.
“Did you see in my profile that I’m dating a married couple? We’ve officially been together three years.”
Evan stands and slips his hands into his pockets and begins to walk. Without thinking, I fall into step with him, and Bow happily trots along. “Yes, I did see that. My friend gave me the password he used so I could access the site myself. You wanted to meet with me still?”
All right. He’s not called me a cheater and stormed off. That’s a good sign. “Yeah,” I say softly. “We’re committed to each other, but we also have an open relationship. I’ve not really acted on that myself. But when I saw you were doing the Secret Santa…except now I know you weren’t…” I trail off, unsure what I’m getting at.
We’re taking the main path that curves around with trees to the left and the lake to our right. Evan is looking out over the water, thoughtfully.
“If you already have two boyfriends you love, why did you want to meet up with me so badly?” There isn’t anything accusatory in his tone. He just seems curious. And maybe a little cautious.
I bite my lip before speaking. “My Daddy, Sai, always says I’ve got a lot of love to give. It doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with them. Completely the opposite, actually. I just thought you seemed interesting.”
He barks out a laugh that gets Bow yapping as well, and for a second we both grin down at her. Then he shakes his head. “I’m an accountant in his mid-forties. That’s about as boring as it gets.”
I frown. “But you’re a Daddy, too, right? And you spend your free time looking after animals who have been forgotten by other people. Those are two big ticks in my book, if you ask me.”
I didn’t want to come at it head on and blurt out that I was worried he seemed terribly lonely. But the pregnant pause that follows my words confirms some of my suspicions.
Just when I’m tempted to prattle on about anything at all just to fill the silence, he speaks again.
“I haven’t been anyone’s Daddy in a very long time.”
“Oh,” I say, unsure how best to respond. “Um, I’m sorry.”
A ghost of a smile tweaks his lips. “It’s okay. It’s my choice.”
“Oh,” I say again, glancing into the trees, like they might give me some inspiration. “I can see why you’d be so upset that your friend put your name in for the Secret Santa. Do you…I mean, you don’t want to be a Daddy again, then?”
He frowns and looks my way before focusing ahead. “‘Want’ isn’t quite the right word,” he murmurs. “It’s more like…I felt I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. But someone reminded me last night that by denying myself that, I could be missing out on something amazing.”
I nod sagely, feeling like I was starting to understand him better. “Your friend.”
“No,” he says with a chuckle that goes straight to my heart. Our eyes meet, and his smile seems fractionally brighter this time. “You. Yes, my friend thought he was knocking some sense into me by signing me up to that event. And we had a shocking but good heart-to-heart about it. But it was your text that made me realise I’ve been punishing myself for something that isn’t my fault. That I’ve not been living my life, just floating through a pale imitation of it. Yet you looked at me and thought I was ‘kind’. No one’s really seen me in so long…”
He shakes himself and looks away, a blush on his cheeks that’s probably because of the wind.
“It’s terrifying to contemplate change,” he continues. “But I can’t keep hiding away. I thought starting with a nice walk in the company of a handsome young man might not be too petrifying, and now here we are.”
I won’t even pretend that my blush is from the wind. He thinks I’m handsome? Oh.
“I have seen you around,” I admit. “And I think anyone who makes time for rescued animals like Bow has a good heart.”
He scoffs. “I wouldn’t go so far as to call me good.” There’s a playful hint to his voice that makes me smile.
“I’m glad I’m not scary,” I say bashfully, and we share a quick but warm glance. I decide to push my luck, not knowing how long he might want to walk. “For what it’s worth, I think you’d be a great Daddy. To anyone!” I hastily add. “That wasn’t…I didn’t mean me, or now, or…”
Just stop talking, Tian.
He hums, apparently not horrified by how badly I put my foot in my mouth. “I think I’ve forgotten how to be a Daddy, to be honest. I’m so detached from everyone in my life. I can’t imagine I’d be capable of taking care of a boy again, let alone a little. That’s a big responsibility.”
Apparently, my mouth didn’t get the ‘no talking’ memo. “You probably just need some practice,” I say without thinking, but it seems logical to me. If you’re rusty at a skill, repetition is the best way to get good at it again.
“Practice?” he repeats.
I nod. “At being a Daddy,” I explain.
“You mean date?” he says, the words already heavy with trepidation.
But I shake my head. “No, no. Practice Daddying with someone who understands the situation. You wouldn’t want to use some unsuspecting boy to get back on the horse. You just need a bit of time to remember how easy it is to take care of someone. I bet you’re good at it. You’ve just forgotten. Do you have any little friends? Or Daddy friends that could bring their little and the three of you could have a nice, safe playdate?”
I’m getting so excited by this idea now. If it’s his reservations that are holding Evan back, I’m certain this could be the perfect solution.
But he rubs his chin and shakes his head sadly at me. “I’m so out of touch with the lifestyle now, I wouldn’t have a clue who to ask that would trust me not to fuck it up. I wouldn’t trust me not to fuck it up.”
I laugh, the words coming out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Well then, I’ll help you!”
He comes to a halt and blinks at me. I stop and face him. Bow wraps her lead around my legs and wags her tail happily.
“You’d help me?” Evan asks slowly.
I nod, almost a tad annoyed he hasn’t realised I’m a genius yet. “Yeah! We could meet at the club and go to the daycare? Or if you’d feel more at home at…well…home, I could come over to your place or something? I can bring some toys and we can…I don’t know, make Christmas cookies or something? Snuggle and watch a film or…something.”
I clamp my mouth shut before I can repeat myself for a fourth time. But he’s staring at me with a sort of bewilderment. “Why would you do that? You don’t know me. For all you’re aware, I could absolutely deserve being all alone and miserable.”
My heart contracts painfully at hearing him admit that he’s both all alone and miserable about it. But I’m sure he’s wrong about deserving that.
I narrow my eyes at him as Bow unwinds herself from around my legs. “You said you’ve been punishing yourself for something that’s not your fault,” I remind him.
As if agreeing with me, a now free Bow chooses that moment to boop his leg with her snout. When he glances down at her, she wags her tail and smiles the way only corgis can do.
Evan looks back at me in confusion. “I know, but…”
When it becomes clear he doesn’t know how to finish that sentence, I decide to help him out. “Genuinely, what’s the worst that could happen? You realise you aren’t actually any good at being a Daddy anymore, or just don’t want to be one again? That’s fine. I’ll go back to my two boyfriends, one of which is actually my Daddy. Come on—this is as low stakes as it can get!”
He rubs his chin again, apparently thinking my words over. “I suppose.”
Feeling brave, I tap his arm in a friendly way and wriggle on the spot for a moment. “That’s the worst-case scenario. Best- case scenario is that you get your sea legs back, and you’re out fishing for a brand-new boy to adore before the year is out!”
I feel like he really, truly looks at me then. “And you wouldn’t feel put out by that or used?”
I shrug. “Part of why my boyfriends and I work—or so they say as they’re more experienced than me—is that they don’t go looking for anything in particular. They’re just open to the possibilities of what might come their way. That’s like this. All I wanted was to meet you and to get to know you better, because you intrigued me. We’ve done that, and now I’m going to help you! It’s as easy as that.”
“I’m not sure it is,” Evan says with a chuckle. “But…the idea of a simple playdate doesn’t sound too frightening, I guess. Perhaps you could come over for a few hours after work? Not that I even asked what hours you do. Oh, I’m already getting this wrong.”
I wave him off before he can fret over nothing. “Regular nine-to-five, like I assume an accountant would also work?”
“Yes,” he confirms.
His smile is so sweet and shy, I want to throw myself into his arms and tell him everything’s going to be okay. I want to call him ‘Daddy’ and see how he reacts. But I manage to catch myself. No sense in rushing ahead and scaring the poor man for real.
“Then it’s a date,” I say, not wanting to give him a chance to talk himself out of something I’m absolutely certain he’s going to love. Something he deserves to have again. I don’t know why he’s been afraid to rejoin the lifestyle, but it’s Christmas, and this feels like a gift only I can give him.
He rubs his chest and looks out over the water. But then he turns back and smiles at me. It’s still faint, but it’s there, like a promise of better days to come.
“It’s a date,” Daddy Evan agrees.