Chapter 5
REN
ONE WEEK LATER
I follow her from her work toward the coffee house, where she stops by every lunchtime.
It's nothing irregular from what I usually do, but since last week, everything seems different.
Eloise has seen my face now, and she even claims to have recognized it.
I need to be so much more careful, I need to keep a better distance, but that's so hard to do when I know how soft her skin feels.
I felt her breath on my own skin while she slept and now it’s all I fucking crave. Every night since, I’ve considered letting myself into her apartment so I can lie next to her and feel it again.
I’ve noticed how she’s been acting more cautious since that night; she spends more time looking over her shoulder, and I can’t help wondering if she can sense me.
Maybe she wants to turn around and see me.
The girl was nowhere near as scared of me as I thought she would be, and she was in no hurry for me to leave.
It was me who got spooked and ended up choking.
I continue to follow as she gets closer to the coffee shop, and I manage to stay back, despite the adrenaline pumping through my veins and the urge to reach out and touch her again.
She stops abruptly before she steps through the door, and when she spins on her heels and starts marching straight back toward me, I feel my feet become rooted to the ground.
Her eyes are fixed on mine as she passes through the crowded street, getting closer and looking more determined with each step.
I can’t run. I can’t do anything but stare right back at her and wonder what she’s gonna say.
“I knew I recognised you! How long have you been following me?” She looks up at me with sharp, angry eyes.
“I… I don’t know what you're talking about.” I shake my head, not knowing where the fuck this feisty girl has come from, but liking it.
“Come on, I’m not stupid. You knew my address, you knew how much I’d drunk the other night.
I was so sure your face was familiar. So I’ve been looking out.
I’ve seen you…everywhere.” She takes me by surprise when she digs her finger hard into my chest. “You’ve been following me, and I want to know why.
” She takes a long, deep breath once she’s finished ranting, and I almost expect her to follow it up with a slap.
Instead, she shocks me again and reaches out to take my hand.
“Please don’t run. I need answers.” She looks up at me helplessly, and when I drop my eyes to where her hand is touching mine.
This is not good, not for me, or for her.
“I’m sorry.” She pulls her hand away when she realizes how hard she’s been squeezing.
“Can you at least let me buy you a coffee, to say thank you for the other night?” She bites her lip, suddenly looking like her usual self again, and I’m not sure what the fuck I should do.
This is dangerous territory. All this girl wants is a normal life and I am anything but fucking normal.
I warned her. I told her I was her worst fucking nightmare. I know this girl, she doesn’t take risks… What is she doing?
“Come on, if it makes you feel more comfortable, I’ll let you follow me inside.” She winks, and her attempt at being funny is so fucking cute it scratches another scar into my heart.
“Sure.” I gesture for her to lead the way before heading into the coffee shop with her.
“I figured you were a straight black kinda guy, but I picked you up some cream, just in case.” She places a coffee in front of me and takes the lid off her own. I watch the way she blows over the froth and it makes my dick stiffen under the table.
“Thanks.” I take the lid off my own and wait for her to get started. I’ve thought a million times over about what I’d say to this girl if I ever got the chance, but now that she’s here in front of me, I figure it's best that she never hears it.
“Why are you following me?” She gets straight into it, and I clench my fists in frustration. I’ve spent most of this girl’s life fucking following her, she’s never noticed up to now. How could I have dropped the ball?
“I’m not following you. I live near your apartment, and my gym just happens to be near your office building.” Both of those facts are technically true.
“So, you just happened to be there last week when I was drunk, and today, you were just passing by here, at the same time as me?” She folds her arms to show me that she ain’t buying it. “I’ve seen you. I’ve been looking out for you, and suprise suprise, most of the time you're there.”
“Yeah, well, last week it was a good thing I was, wouldn’t you say?” I hit back at her, and the way her mouth moves but no words come out is a-fuckin-dorable.
“I think you're lying to me,” she accuses, scorching me with her pretty, green eyes. It makes me want to grab her throat, drag her across the table, and kiss her.
“Eloise…I–”
“I never told you my name,” she cuts me off.
“You didn’t have to, I saw it on a bill inside your apartment,” I answer back fast, cursing myself for constantly fucking up around her. I’m smarter than this. “I’m just a guy who lives near you, our paths are bound to cross at some point.”
“Hmmm.” Her frown suggests she still isn’t convinced, and I wait for her to slap the restraining order she’s got on the table in front of me.
“I’m cooking dinner tonight. I want you to come.” Her words have me doing a double-take.
“Dinner…? But you…”
She raises her eyebrows, daring me to argue.
“Fine, I’ll be there. What time do you want me?” I do what I can to hide my shock. I know what a big deal it is for her to invite a guy into her space. Lance failed to make it up the stairs after five dates, and he was a reputable guy.
My confusion is overriding what a bad idea this is. I’m not supposed to be in Eloise's life. I'm just meant to protect it.
“Seven-thirty.” She smiles victoriously, and when I give up on trying to understand the way her head works, I shake my head and laugh at her. “What's so funny?” she asks, creasing up her forehead curiously.
“You don’t even know my name and you're asking me to dinner,” I point out, in case that knock to the head she took has made this girl forget who she is. Eloise Meadows is scared of her own shadow.
“I’ll look forward to you telling it to me later.” She places the lid back on her coffee and gets up from her chair. “See you at seven-thirty.” She walks away, with a confident smile and a swing in her hips I’ve never seen before.
I sit on my mattress with my back against the wall, sketching another picture of her. I’m reliving that moment her lips pursed together, as she blew her coffee cool and I know pretty soon I’m gonna have to put down the pencil and relieve my cock.
I’ve thought about things tirelessly since she left the coffee shop; doubted if I should accept her invitation, but as more of her face appears on the pad in front of me, I know there's no hope in my letting her down. I heard how devastated she sounded talking to her friend after she failed to invite that cop guy into her apartment. Tonight, she’s really testing herself; she’s trying her best to heal, and I want to be a part of that.
I watch the minutes tick by, and when it gets to five thirty, I abandon my drawing and move closer to the window.
She could be home anytime from now, and I focus on the street, waiting to catch a glimpse of her.
It’s ten minutes before I see her walking down the street carrying two heavy-looking grocery bags in her hands.
She smiles at the people who pass her, looking so pleased with herself that it breaks my heart.
Watching her for this long has shown me that despite what the world has done to Eloise, she’s still able to appreciate the good in it.
She finds the good in everything around her.
I’m starting to believe that she could see the good in me, too, and that’s foolish.
How could I ever expect a girl like her to understand a person like me?
She spends every day of her life fighting her way out of the darkness, while I fester in it.
I wait for her to make it up the stairs, then watch the live feed cameras from my computer as she busies herself in her kitchen.
It looks as if she’s following a recipe on her phone, and it doesn’t take long for her to get all flustered.
She’s switching between chopping up vegetables and stirring whatever's on the stove.
And when things start to really get hectic, she ties her hair up on top of her head.
I rest my shoulder against the window wall and smile at the thought of her going through all that effort for me.
I like that she’s aware of me now far too much, and suddenly, I start to feel a whole lot of pressure.
I don’t know if what she has planned tonight counts as a date.
I’ve never been on one before. For as long as I can remember, my entire existence has revolved around one person, a girl who I’ve convinced myself I will never have.
Maybe tonight could change that, but it’s never gonna change me.
It’s not gonna change the things I’ve done either.
I take a quick shower and put on some jeans with a clean black T-shirt and when the time comes to make my way over, I take a long, deep breath and hope my fucking restraint holds.
I would stop myself from breathing before I did to Eloise what others have done, but that doesn’t mean being close to her is easy, especially now I know how it feels to have her touch me.
I start making my way across the street, checking my surroundings in case anyone is watching, even though it wouldn’t matter if they were.
I’ve been invited into her apartment tonight.
If the neighbours see me, I have an explanation for being there.
Stepping up to her door, I automatically go to take out my key, then drop it back in my pocket and press the intercom instead.
“Hey, come on up.” Her voice chimes out of the speaker, and I stroke my fingers over it and smile.
She sounds so happy and excited, it’s beautiful to hear.
It also makes me start doubting everything I've spent the afternoon convincing myself of. This girl may be a little bit broken, but she’s happy.
She’s always looking for the best in life, and I’m sure to cast a shadow over that.
My mind is poisoned with dark thoughts, and my conscience is beyond redemption.
She’s Heaven. I’m Hell.
I shouldn’t be here.
I close my eyes and picture that face that I’ve drawn so many times.
The face that pulls me out of those dark thoughts, the one that gives me a reason to breathe.
I traced it with my fingers the other night and felt that it was real.
Being with her didn’t feel wrong. It felt like salvation.
So I leave my doubts out here and push open the door.