Chapter Eighteen – Alex
A quiet knock sounded at my door, and I put down my book and glanced up.
Come in, I called, expecting Solomon to duck through the door with his usual casual attitude, wanting to catch up about what we were doing for the next week of shifts. But, to my surprise, instead of Solomon, Olya was standing there at the door, smiling at me a little nervously.
Hey, she greeted me. Do you mind if I come in?”
Sure, I replied. To be honest, I was a little surprised to see her. After our conversation the other day, when I had stopped her going out again, and laid down the law about her leaving, she seemed to have been giving me a little more space. Not that I could blame her. After all, I had pretty much made it clear that I wasn’t going to bend to the rules she was laying down, no matter how much she seemed intent on making me do so. I had figured she was done with me, but here she was, dressed in a bathrobe and a small smile, sliding onto the edge of my bed and fiddling with a loose sheet on the covers. I crossed my ankles and stared at her, waiting for her to say something.
Something on your mind? I asked her. She nodded.
I...I figured we should talk, she explained. After what happened the other day. I don’t want any bad blood between us...
There isn’t, I replied, and she cocked her eyebrow at me.
So that’s why you’ve been avoiding me?
I haven’t been avoiding you, I protested. I’ve just been busy with work.
Mhm, right, she replied, brushing her hair back from her face as she looked at me. I get it, don’t worry. I know...I know you just want to keep me safe. And it must have felt like I was going against that before. Am I close?
I eyed her, with some nervousness. It wasn’t that I wasn’t glad that she was coming to me with this, but she was getting psycho-analytical on me, and that was shit I didn’t like to deal with. It hadn’t worked when I’d gotten back from service, and it wasn’t going to work now, I was sure of it.
Yeah, I guess so, I replied warily. I didn’t want to shut her down right out the gate, not when I could see she was genuinely trying to help, but this approach...it didn’t sit right with me. No matter how innocent her intentions were here, I felt as though I was being put under a microscope, a sensation I didn’t really like.
Okay, that’s what I thought, she replied, pulling at the thread until it came apart in her hands. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I can’t imagine, after what you went through in the army...
She trailed off, as though she sensed she had gone too far. I tensed.
What do you know about that? I demanded. She hesitated before she replied.
Not much, she admitted. Just...just a couple of things that Solomon mentioned to me...
Shit, I muttered. What did he tell you?
She bit her lip.
You’re not going to be angry at him, are you? she asked. He had probably told her to keep her mouth shut about anything he shared about me – he knew damn well the only reason I had shared any of that shit with him was because I had been drunk, not because I wanted it spread around to anyone else.
What did he tell you? I repeated again, a little more sharply this time. She inhaled deeply and then forced herself to reply.
That you...that you were involved in an attack, she explained. That your unit was targeted. And that you were the only one to make it out alive...
Her words trailed off as she spoke, and my senses were filled with the nightmarish memories of that fateful day – the thick, metallic smell of blood in the air, the sound of gunfire, the terror in the eyes of the men I had come to know as brothers. Never again, I had promised myself that – I would never put myself in a position to let something like that go down again. To get hurt the way I had been there.
It’s fine, I snapped back at her. My voice was taut, and I felt like a rubber band, pulled so tight I might snap at any moment.
I’m sorry for bringing it up, she blurted out. I just...I thought it might do you good, you know, to talk about it a little...
It won’t, I shot back, and I sat up, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and facing away from her. I could feel her staring at me, likely sensing that she had screwed up in some way, but she had no idea how badly this hurt me.
I tried to forget it. I had tried to let go of what had happened that day. No, beyond that – I had tried to let go of all of it. The way I had been treated when I arrived home again, the way that I had been dismissed and written off as nothing more than a pain in the ass of the government. The people who had trained me, supported me, admired me, told me that they cared about me, they were gone. My parents had died years before, and I had nobody – nothing to believe in, nothing to trust.
The Bratva world had seemed like a fair exchange. At least I knew what kind of life I would be living, working for these kinds of men. This darkness, it had become familiar to me now, and there was nothing I could do to hide from it. Better to just embrace it and accept that it was my fate.
But now, here she was, talking about it. The woman I wanted to protect. The woman I wanted to protect, not just from the outside world, but from the storms that raged inside me, too. She didn’t know what she was dealing with here, she didn’t understand the extent of the damage within me.
She reached out to touch my shoulder and I pulled away at once. She inhaled sharply, able to tell she had screwed up.
I’m sorry, she blurted out. I shouldn’t have brought it up, I just thought we could talk about it...maybe you would feel better...
Slowly, I turned to face her. I felt like something had shifted inside of me, a heavy weight resting on my chest. I met her gaze steadily, not breaking it for a moment.
I think we should take things back to the way they were before.
Before? she whispered, her eyes widening. I nodded.
Before we had sex, I replied bluntly. It was a mistake.
She stared at me, and I could see the hurt written all over her face. For a second, I wanted to take those words back – admit that I had only said them because I felt as though we were getting too close, and I was afraid of what she might see in me if I didn’t pull away before she got any nearer.
But, instead, I just stared back at her, as though daring her to argue with me. I had no idea what she was going to say, but I knew I couldn’t deal with this. I couldn’t deal with her talking to me like she knew me, like she accepted this part of me she didn’t even know about. If she knew the darkness I carried in me, she would never have wanted anything to do with me. I was just saving her the trouble.
A mistake? she whispered. How – how can you say that?
How can you not see it? I replied. I was being harsh with her, but it seemed to me the only way I could get this through to her – get her to understand that I wasn’t the man she thought I was, the man she wanted me to be. It made my chest ache, seeing that sadness in her eyes, but what other choice did I have? I had to end this before she tried to inch any closer to me, before she ended up stung in a way she could never recover from.
I turned away from her again. I knew I couldn’t be looking her in the eye when I said this next part.
You should go, I told her. This is professional now. We need to keep it that way.
You really expect me to just be able to go back to the way things were before?” she demanded. Look at me, Alex!”
I forced myself to turn around and face her. Fuck, it hurt looking her in the eyes like this, but I knew it was for the best.
Tell me, she ordered me, tears shining in her eyes. Tell me again. To my face.
We need to end this, I told her. I don’t care what you do with Solomon, but this, between us, it’s over. You understand?
She rose to her feet, wrapping her arms around herself defensively.
Oh, I understand, she replied, voice quivering. And, with that, she stalked to the door and slammed it loudly behind her – and left me sitting, alone once more, in the silence.
And wondering if I had just managed to fuck things up beyond all repair.